Mother/Brother disliking my Boyfriend

[Dybbuk]

Sorry this is so long...

 

Met my current BF close to 6 months ago. We have been together for almost 5 and I do love him. He has told me he loves me and I have reciprocated, but I realize it's a very fresh/new feeling, and I certainly recognize we still have a lot of growing to do as a couple but I enjoy being with him. He's good to me, sweet, helpful, attentive, and loyal.

 

When we first got together, after a few weeks he asked if he could add me on Facebook as his girlfriend. I'm not horribly active on FB, but I wouldn't post anything on there I wouldn't want a stranger to know so I accepted. I know FB drama is really looked down upon but at the time, I figured if I couldn't handle us being 'friends' on FB then maybe that was a sign. Sure enough, neither of us had any issue with it and we hardly use it as a form of communication. If anything when I visit his family they'll take pictures of us and tag us together, and that is the extent of our FB contributions as a couple.

 

I did see he had old pictures of his ex girlfriend from several years ago. It honestly doesn't bother me because he has already told me the reasons for their break up, a lot of it he took responsibility for, but that he felt in the end it was beneficial and amicable. I respected his transparency on the matter, and honestly I feel people should have better things to do than fixate on FB stuff so I have never brought it up to him.

 

My brother however did look up my BF on FB, and because my BF started hiding his profile after he took a job that does check FB profiles, the only thing a non-friend can see are old photos. One of them being an old picture of him and his ex at a wedding kissing (peck, nothing risque), that was posted by a friend of my BF who tagged them both publicly (2 yrs ago).

 

My brother immediately tells my mother who then corners me and basically tells me my BF is being 'disrespectful' and 'doesn't understand why he still has that on there when he's with me now.' Admittedly I was pretty pissed, but I did tell her that people can take pictures on FB and post them on other's profiles, and it was a REALLY LONG TIME AGO. It would take him hours to sit there and delete every photo/post/reference of him with his ex (They were together 3 years). He doesn't talk to his ex anymore, nor ever made any mention of her like he was missing her so I don't have a problem why should they?

 

Well after that fight, the very next day my mom apologizes. Says she's looking out for me and I accept. I apologize for acting so rashly and say that I will be careful with who I give my affections to, but my BF has been very good to me and I haven't had any reason to worry. I feel we have resolved it, and I move on.

 

Fast foward. Yesterday I was brushing my teeth and I overhear my mom talking to my brother on the phone and I hear some things such as...

 

"Yes I already brought it up to her and she got mad at me. She ignored me for 3 days."

"No she doesn't know you're the one that showed me the picture."

"I don't know where she is... she's probably with that guy."

 

Needless to say I was pissed. The blatant LIE that I ignored her for three days even though she apologized to me. The fact that the two are 'hiding' the fact that they are discussing this issue behind my back, and the fact that she's now referring to my BF as "that guy". This is the same guy who actually held onto a TV during his store's Christmas sale and BOUGHT IT so I could give him the money and give it to my mom for Christmas. I would have never been able to afford a flat screen TV if it wasn't on special and he went out of his way to help me find one for her. This is also the same guy who got them a $50 gift card on Christmas when I told him he really didn't need to spend a lot since they didn't get him anything in return. He's always been respectful to them, and done all he can to show them he is a good guy... and I feel like him and I are having to defend ourselves over something as stupid as a FB post. Part of me wanted to tell him to take the picture down so they would shut up about it, but then I thought it's not fair to him to do something like that to make them happy. I know if I asked him to take it down he would, but I don't want to set the precedent that all they have to do is complain and he will have to correct his behavior to make THEM happy.

 

In the end I told my mom that I was ok with it and didn't see him having old pics as an issue. I did confront her about all the whispering behind my back and instead I got yelled at. I told my mom that instead of encouraging my brother to make assumptions/jump to conclusions she should have just told him to discuss the issue with me instead of telling all of my family about the photo. She told me I should get on the phone and tell my brother to shut his f**king mouth (her words) and not put her in the middle.

 

I fail to see how she got 'put' in the middle. SHE put herself in the middle by confronting me in the first place instead of checking her facts and going off something she saw off FB. SHE is the one still talking about my relationship behind my back with my brother instead of telling him to address it with me. Now I'm the one that has to go and fix all of this? Why isn't my brother picking up the phone and saying something to me if he's so 'protective'? I feel like they almost enjoy being spectators in this whole matter than actually addressing the issue with me.

 

I don't know what to do. I'm just pissed and annoyed...

[Tayla]

I see only one mature and respecting person in this tale. And that is YOU. You truly are a decent person. Some times it takes repeating to them your view point. Acknowledge their concern without jumping in the crazy pool.

 

there is a saying that the road to *ell is paved with good intent. Your Mom is paving that path and needs to put the concrete truck away so to speak.

 

I wish you well with this fellow, he sounds charming and civil. May it bring you joy.

[Dybbuk]

@Tayla: Thank you so much for your reassuring words on the matter. It's been very hard to maintain my cool but I really am trying with every fiber of my being to not exacerbate the problem. I hate yelling/fighting with them because I feel it's just adding more negative feelings on the whole matter.

 

I ended up talking to my mom yesterday and told her all I want from her is for her to tell my brother to talk to me first. If he's upset/concerned/worried/whatever to just ask me, I'll give him an answer and he can do what he wants with that information. I don't like 'secrets' or all this incessant chatter regarding my BF that is unjustified.

 

I did go ahead and talk to my boyfriend after the second fight with my mom. It was becoming a burden to heavy to bear alone, and I wanted him to know what he thought about the situation. He was astonishingly level headed about the matter and told me that it was understandable that they were 'protective' and this was new territory for them (this is my first relationship/boyfriend ever). He told me to not get angry and try to talk it out with my mom at least and that he understands it's going to take them a little longer to trust him.

 

It helped me really feel at ease that this is something my mom and brother have to come to terms with and all I can do is stand my ground and remember not to get worked up over it anymore. I already told them the reasons the photo doesn't bother me, and I acknowledged their worries and my BF isn't worried about it either... so that is helping me cope at the moment.

 

I swear I love my family but they drive me really batty!!! Thank god my BF is so calm lol or I might have gone in that crazy pool.

[Tayla]

bravo in speaking with your family. you are well within your rights to feel anger. please keep that in mind, as feelings guide you. its how you behave that shows ur management of that.

 

you really do speak well of your bf, tickles me pink that he is open to listening and being thoughtful of everyone involved. He's a keeper!

 

and yes families do bring out the best and sometimes not so pleasant sides. you are doing well in staying firm:) best to you!

[d0nnivain]

Your family doesn't dislike your BF. The love you. Because they are not in love with him, they only see him as having the potential to hurt you. They view him with a more critical eye then you do.

 

 

Perhaps have him spend more time getting to know them so they can see the good, respectful guy you know & love. Also, it wouldn't hurt to ask him to take the old pictures down. He can save them to a flash drive. He doesn't have to destroy them. When they are gone, show that to your family. Perhaps they will soften their opinions of him.

[Dybbuk]

@d0nnivain: I totally understand what you are saying, and certainly realize that their feelings are coming from a place of love. I did write this post in a fit of frustration and anger but I do know they love me. It's hard for them to let me go, and they want someone who will be good to me. My mother came from a physically abusive relationship before she met my dad. She knows the horrors of being trapped with someone who hurts you. My brother witnessed that, as well as his father being unfaithful. I get that, but at the same time I am 27 yrs. old. I do want to find love, and I do want to build a solid and healthy relationship with my BF. However I feel that the lying, gossiping and disregard of my feelings on the subject are only going to strain our relationship. I'm not saying they don't have the right to an opinion on my BF, I just do not like the method they went about it. It would be one thing if my brother for instance:

 

-Saw the pictures.

-Called me directly.

-Asked about them and actually gave me a chance to address it. Hey I could live with this! Let's work this out and clear the air.

 

Instead I feel, he saw it... showed my mom, dad, grandmother, uncle, younger brother and who knows who else in my family, and my brother told my mom that my BF was intentionally being disrespectful to me because of some old pics on facebook. My mother has been the only one who has approached me about the issue, and she did so by yelling at me. I get that they are protective, but a 2 yr. old facebook post is hardly the smoking gun to label my BF as a bad guy. My mom has old photos of her ex-husband in a box somewhere. She doesn't miss her ex-husband... they're just old photos. Pictures of her and him at my grandmother's house. Pictures she keeps of a time she was younger... I just fail to see how it's any different.

 

Again I understand they love me and are protective, but I am of the belief that they need to be respectful and talk to me directly about their concerns. Not gossip and whisper behind my back. I realize he and I haven't been together long, I am not expecting a rolled out red carpet for him; however I feel that he's already being painted as a Lothario which isn't a fair deduction of his character based on a FB post of all things. My BF has come to spend time with them. He came over for the holidays and some other family outings. We've made it a point to spend time with both his and my family. I never had to drag him to meet my family, he actually told me he'd like to meet them so they could talk to him. Despite the efforts we're making, my brother in particular is instigating the issue and the times my BF has come to see my family my brother has not attended or stays for a short time and leaves.

 

I did talk to my BF and he was more than willing to take the pictures down, but I really felt like that was the wrong thing to do. Simply because... what precedent does that set for our relationship? If my mom and brother don't like something he does, he needs to correct his behavior to make them happy? BTW, there are a loooooooooooot of pictures. It was a 3 year relationship. I feel that sends the message to my family: "Ok, my BF took down the pictures are you happy now?" (Which I know I can't really cover all aspects of this situation, but just know my brother is as stubborn as they come and has already told my mom he doesn't 'buy' anything I say about this guy because I'm just in denial.)

 

Also what message does that send my BF: "Listen, I know you don't talk to your ex, see your ex, or in anyway mentioned her... you know those 100's of pictures of you and her tagged all over your FB... I need you to take those down because they're making my mom and brother angry. I don't care if they're there, but I don't want them to be mad at you."

 

Perhaps this is some of my own stubbornness rising out of me, and maybe I should just tell my BF to take them all down... but somehow deep down it just feels wrong to me. I feel that my family won't actually learn anything from this situation and take it as an invitation to gripe about things he should/shouldn't do.

[CrystalShine2011]

Perhaps have your family spend more time with your boyfriend? From experience once they get to know him more, the more open they are to who you are dating.

 

Best of luck! I know that's a touch situation.

[wb1988]

Against your bf:

I delete all the pictures with an ex the moment we breakup, I've noticed that pretty much everyone else does as well. Maybe it takes a while but who cares, since when is "it would take hours" a justification to not do something important like that.

 

Why would your bf hide his profile from employers? Is he that bad or goofy that he thinks that it would affect him not getting a job or losing employment?

 

Supporting your bf:

Are your family upset that he actually had a life before you?

 

If there were nice high-fashion pictures, pictures of him in a nice office, driving a supercar, etc he would just look past all that and focus on the pic of him with other girls. When your brother looked up his fb he probably wasn't looking for good things but rather for only bad snoop. It sounds like he disliked him for no reason and was looking for something to moan about and obviously he got it.

[Dybbuk]

@CrystalShine2011: Thanks, perhaps that's just the best way to circumvent this issue and try to get them to be more comfortable around him. It will be a challenge with my brother since he tends to avoid our family get together's but maybe we can all go out to dinner somewhere.

 

@wb1988: Thanks for your input! I really do appreciate it, and my apologies for over-explaining so much. Your viewpoints are giving me a more holistic view of what's happening here.

 

I understand a lot of people are uncomfortable with the thought of a partner having old pictures of an ex. I think in this case there's really nothing for me to feel insecure about. It would be understandable if he mentioned his ex a lot to me... or even said something remotely comparative of me to her, but honestly he's only talked about her in relation to my questions of the breakup. Which was a conversation we had a long time ago. They had a LTR of 3 years, and so naturally they have a lot of pictures together at family functions/dinners (The pictures my family are so concerned with are at his best friend's wedding). For 3 years of his life, she was part of his family and I understand that. I have no animosity toward her or the fact that they had a deep intimate relationship. I think it's a good thing. He's learned a lot from his relationship with his ex and I feel he's fully moved on since then. He has made me feel a part of his family now. I get to go to the dinners and see his family on holidays... and so now I'm caught in the family pictures that get posted to FB. So I really don't care if old pictures are there or not, and I don't feel offended that as soon as they ended their 3 year relationship that he didn't automatically login to FB and delete her from his life.

 

"since when is "it would take hours" a justification to not do something important like that" I suppose this depends on the person. To me, old facebook photos are not important. To my family they seem to be the smoking gun here... BUT my issue with this situation is not the photos but how my family is handling the situation. If my brother had a problem with the photos then he should have talked to me. Instead he's gossiping to every single person in the family and blowing it out of proportion where I'm being yelled at for not addressing this with my BF. That's my problem.

 

A lot of people hide their profile's on FB so employers can't FB stalk them. I do it as well. It's not that we have anything to hide, but I just like to keep work and my personal life separate. If I voice my opinion on something or make an off-hand remark about how I'm happy my two best gay friends got married, I don't need people at work bringing that up to me or taking offense to anything I say on FB.

 

In all honestly, I think my brother in particular just needs something to dislike about him. If anyone actually knew my brother, they'd know when I was a kid he'd threaten to beat up any of my friends who came to play with me if they made me cry. I love my brother, he's protective and looks out for me. I love the fact he wants me to be safe and respected, but I also feel he needs to trust me a little too. I feel he's holding my BF to an impossible standard and he has never been in a relationship himself because anyone who I think might be a good fit for him... he has to find SOMETHING to nit pick about them. My mom is not like that, but she is easily influenced by my brother, and so I think she's got all the things he's told her about this situation in her head. I will try to have my BF come around more often so they can see the good, but I need my brother to loosen his grip a little bit too. Spending his time snooping on FB and tattling because of a 2 year old picture feels like it's too much.