Thoughts on FWB

[sleeplessindallas]

I spent a lot of time reading that major-league FWB thread. I hope no one minds if I share some of my thoughts and experiences.

 

I’m sure I’m probably old enough to be your mom, for most of you. I was probably married longer than a lot of you have been alive. I’m no wiser, necessarily, because of that, but I want to tell you that I am coming from a different perspective. I just turned 48, but as some of you may recall, I don’t always know what is going on any more than you do in some relationships.

 

Here are my thoughts, though, regarding FWB, FWIW:

 

I think the very most important thing you can do before getting into a FWB is to take a serious personal inventory, as in that 12-step post. You HAVE to know what you want before you get into something like this, and you HAVE to be very honest with yourself. If you are thinking that you are attracted to this person, and that by getting into a FWB, you might have a chance with them, fuggedaboutit. Probably won’t happen. It’s not impossible, but it’s extremely unlikely. It seems to me that a lot of the people having trouble with their FWB is that they did go into the relationship hoping it would turn into more. No, no, no!!! Do not look at it like that! If you do go into one at all, you absolutely MUST be prepared for it to never be anything more. The best way to achieve that is to find something about that person that is a dealbreaker for you, and never lose sight of it. I’ve had a couple of FWBs since my divorce – one of them was married to a woman who could not give him sex. He was never going to leave her, he loved her as much as any man could love a woman, I respected that about him, but I needed sex and so did he, so it worked. We had occasional wild, crazy romps, and have maintained a really great friendship throughout the last several years. I never had any illusions about my place in his life, and I didn’t want to occupy any more of a place in his life than that. He’s a terrible flirt, would probably take on any woman that would agree to have sex with him, and that is just him. But that would be a dealbreaker for me in a serious relationship. We have a lot of fun as friends, mostly we just talk several times a week. We have never been able to get together and hang out because of his marriage, but it’s been a really great friendship and I love him to pieces AS A FRIEND.

 

I met a man a few years ago that was hitting on me in a big way, but who had also become a very good friend. He was single, had been married three times (HUGE red flag!!!), and had no intention of getting involved with anyone for a very long time, if ever again. Physically, there was no attraction for me, but I loved him to pieces, too. We would hang out in his office and read funny emails and die laughing together, and just talk about all kinds of deep stuff. We were intellectually on the same page completely. He had a wonderful sense of humor. I talked with my FWB about him, and he asked me why the hell I didn’t just go for it with him anyway. After thinking about it, it made sense to be FWB with this guy, because he and I both needed the same things – namely uninvolved sex. He didn’t appeal to me physically, but that doesn’t mean you can’t have sex with someone. I decided to go for it, and it turned out he was the most wonderful lover a woman could hope for. I am dead serious – the guy was absolutely awesome in bed!!! The (other) FWB always encouraged me and “coached” me to help me keep my situation in perspective. Ultimately, this guy did begin to have more serious feelings for me, but because he was so messed up from his previous relationships, he started to back away from me, or he would tell me he would call or we could get together, and then he wouldn’t call. He started making excuses for why, but he finally confessed that he was scared to death of the whole thing. I told him that was fine, but I was finished trying to make time for him and being stood up, and that I wouldn’t be calling him any more. And I didn’t. I walked. Eventually, we resumed a more cautious friendship, and we have been fine ever since, but the sex ended.

 

Not too long after this, I met the guy I would end up moving in with me. That’s a long story for another day, though. Both of my former FWB totally supported and respected my decision about this guy and remained friends with me. I was completely faithful to this guy the whole time we were together. Live-in boyfriend met the first FWB a time or two and never knew we had been intimate. There was no reason for him to know.

 

Live-in boyfriend was the invalid I cared for for three years. He started out as my bf, became sick, I nursed him back to health to the point he could live independently, and then he started getting nasty and mean with me. I asked him to move out a couple of weeks ago.

 

In the meantime, six months ago, the wife of the original FWB decided she didn’t want to live with him any more and moved out. I have been his friend through it all. I know full well that if I want sex at some point in the future, it will be less complicated with him and he will almost certainly be willing to ‘help me out’. He is, however, still hoping his wife will come back home, so he is basically at her beck and call and that precludes a real romantic relationship with him, even if I wanted one, which I don’t think I do. As much as I really like him, I still don’t think I could deal with his being such a flirt, and the very real worry of who he might be sleeping with every time my back was turned. This is what I mean about dealbreakers. I already know I wouldn’t get involved with him. And I knew I wouldn’t get involved with the second FWB.

 

As long as you both go into something like this with full knowledge about where you stand with each other, FWB can be a delightful addition to a great friendship. I think as people get older they are more able to separate sex from love, but that may also be a result of my own experiences. And... you can love a FWB dearly, but it doesn’t mean you are romantically compatible. I adore both of these guys.

 

Above all, just be honest. Obviously, if you are not physically attracted, you’ll have to find a different way to express that, but be honest with yourself, at least. If you want to date this person and have a real relationship, tell them that. If you are sexually attracted to someone, but know a romance would never work for whatever reason, be honest about it (i.e. you live too far away, I can’t deal with you when you are drunk, I’m actually interested in a romantic relationship with someone else, whatever it is, say so).

 

Most of you are young enough that you are probably looking for someone to spend a lifetime with, to make a home with and a family with. Don’t waste your time with people that aren’t interested in the same thing. You probably hope (maybe secretly) that this relationship will eventually work out that way. You’re only fooling yourself. If you’re not on the same page, you might be eventually, or you might waste a whole lot of precious time, take yourself out of circulation, virtually, and end up with nothing in the end.

 

FWB works best for people with busy, fulfilling lives who just don’t have time for serious relationships but need sex sometimes. Simple as that. If that isn’t you, don’t bother with them.

 

Just my humble, but experienced opinion.

[Israfil]

Originally posted by sleeplessindallas

And... you can love a FWB dearly, but it doesn’t mean you are romantically compatible.

 

Don’t waste your time with people that aren’t interested in the same thing. You probably hope (maybe secretly) that this relationship will eventually work out that way. You’re only fooling yourself. If you’re not on the same page, you might be eventually, or you might waste a whole lot of precious time, take yourself out of circulation, virtually, and end up with nothing in the end.

 

Wow. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts. They have really helped me look at things with much more perspective.