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(1st post) Should I give my ex daughter a birthday present?

MyHawaiian

By MyHawaiian,
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MyHawaiian

MyHawaiian

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Hello everyone,

 

Thank you for looking at my first post much appreciation. I recently broke up with my girlfriend because she started acting very strange, started being distant, less affection, started lying to me for example, telling me she will be at a certain place and wasn't there at all. She did this 3 times in under a month and I started losing her day by day hoping she will change unfortunately I couldn't trust her anymore.

 

The break up was really bad I exchanged some very disrespectful words that I can't definitely take back or be forgiven. Very childish of me in acting in my emotions. The break up was pass Wednesday and her daughter birthday is coming up.

 

I grew a very close bond to the little girl treated her like one of my own. To the point the little girl said "I want you to be my second dad". When she told me that I cried of happiness. My ex said she has never said that to none of her other exs. I would put my life down for the little girl in a heart beat. The little girl has her dad and he is always been a great father to her.

 

I know when you break up with someone you break ties with their family & friends. Her birthday is this week and I want to deliver the little girl flowers and one of her favorite doll. All of it will be anonymous.

 

Should I do it or not?

 

Sorry for the grammatical errors, commas, and run in sentences. Thank you for your time.

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lgspot

lgspot

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With conditions.

 

1. It not be anonymous. Both mother and child have the right to know who gifts are from.

 

2. Suggest you do not do it for any reason having to do with mother.

 

3. Do not do it if is going to be too emotionally draining on you.

 

4. No ulterior motives other than affection for the daughter.

 

The child did nothing wrong and this soon you don’t need to send a message she did

 

 

I broke up with a girl and over 20 years later her daughter and I are still close today. Mother and I get along, but there is no longer a relationship. The daughter has her natural father, but she looks to me as her 2nd dad. We have lunch together pretty often, text almost daily, and her year and a half old daughter loves me.:)

 

You can continue the relationship, just be careful, respectful, and setup guidelines and boundaries.

 

In our jumbled world, kids need all the love they can get.

 

 

Good Luck…

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gaius

gaius

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It's better to either just cut ties completely or be involved with the kid on some sort of significant level. And since you can't do the second that only leaves one option. =/

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Frank2thepoint

Frank2thepoint

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All of it will be anonymous.

 

Nope, not a good idea. You'll probably be labelled as a pedophile by your ex. If you want to give the girl a present, do so, just make sure the her mother is present. Also for extra paranoid safety, make sure there are two more witnesses, and video recording, to prevent your ex from making wild accusations.

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firemanq

firemanq

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You need to ask that question of your x. The child is hers, and is her responsibility, not yours. If the X allows you have a relationship with the child, you both need to talk about boundries and how keeping up a relationship will affect the child. You also need to discuss what happens when a new man enters the life of the child. What effect might have on the child, and the relationship between the two/three of you.

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MyHawaiian

MyHawaiian

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The flowers will not be delivered by me but the floral shop. When we were arguing she said "Just forget about me and my daughter, now how am I going to tell my daughter you're not going to be around anymore"

 

She's the one the started acting shady behind my back lying constantly. And I told her "Hey you better stop doing this, you need to start telling me what's going on and start communicating better" and she continue doing God's know what. I warned her a bunch of times until I exploded. She brought this upon herself.

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lgspot

lgspot

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Just a FYI, the flower shop will deliver the doll along with the flowers if you're able to take it by to them. At least mine always does. You're paying a delivery fee anyway.

 

Good luck.

 

You do your part and mother need not trash you to daughter.

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elaine567

elaine567

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The flowers will not be delivered by me but the floral shop. When we were arguing she said "Just forget about me and my daughter, now how am I going to tell my daughter you're not going to be around anymore"

 

She's the one the started acting shady behind my back lying constantly. And I told her "Hey you better stop doing this, you need to start telling me what's going on and start communicating better" and she continue doing God's know what. I warned her a bunch of times until I exploded. She brought this upon herself.

 

If you want to be in the daughter's life then you have to put all this behind you and view it as water under the bridge.

She is the one between you and the daughter, she is the one you have to sweet talk, she is the one you are going to have to persuade that it is a good idea for you to be in her daughter's life.

So any thoughts of "telling", "warning" or "exploding" will have to be put on one side forever, if this is ever going to work.

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MyHawaiian

MyHawaiian

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The only thing holding me back is I don't know if my ex influence her daughter by saying that I hurt her. Reason why I say this is because she pulled one of these stunts with one of her ex.

 

She told me once that she was out with her daughter and the ex happened to be there too. The ex approach them to say "hi" especially to the little girl. The daughter said "Get away, my mom told me you hurt it" mind you this guy cheated on her and she found out because she went through his phone and saw a video of him getting a bj.

 

FYI I never cheated on her, or even talked to girls through text. The only thing I did is check out girl when I'm with my friends or by myself (like a simple glance)

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No Limit

No Limit

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I wouldn't lead the girl on this way to be honest. Your ex is her mother and either she's in the boat, or not. It's pretty cruel to send gifts only to never be heard from again.

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d0nnivain

d0nnivain

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Do not send it anonymously. What same parent is going to give their kid anything from an unknown source.

 

If you must send something include a note that this is good bye. Do not try to remain in contact with the child. It will confuse her.

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PinkInTheLimo

PinkInTheLimo

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You should ask your ex if it is OK to give something for her daughers's birthday. If you give something do it via your ex. And if your ex says she does not want this, respect this and back off.

Do under no circumstances get directly in contact with the girl, anonymous or not. It is creepy.

It's not your child. Your ex is her mother, another guy her father. Don't create a loyalty conflict for the little girl.

 

I understand that you felt a bond to that child but you have to act as an adult and back off if that is asked of you.

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Satu

Satu

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"Just forget about me and my daughter, now how am I going to tell my daughter you're not going to be around anymore"

 

 

Do as requested.

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Quiet Storm

Quiet Storm

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I say just let it go and don't send a gift. Your gift will create feelings of divided loyalty in the child. She will appreciate the gift, but it will create feelings of guilt and confusion because you & her mom are broken up. If she thinks her mom still wants to be with you, then she will feel guilty because your gift means you like her better than mom. If her mom is talking bad about you, then she might see the gift as some kind of manipulation. Kids internalize so much of their feelings and worry that everything is about them, so she might even think it's her fault you two split up. It's best to just detach and allow the child to detach, too. It's not realistic to think you will be a part of her life forever, so it's best to step back now instead of prolonging the inevitable.

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MyHawaiian

MyHawaiian

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This just really suck. I'm here battling what to do. You guys have very good points on each side. I just feel if I do give her the present is the final goodbye of everything. Some sort of closure with the whole relationship.

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PinkInTheLimo

PinkInTheLimo

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This just really suck. I'm here battling what to do. You guys have very good points on each side. I just feel if I do give her the present is the final goodbye of everything. Some sort of closure with the whole relationship.

 

You are being selfish. It's not about your emotions, it's about the emotions of the child. You have no right to give her something.

You can ask the mom if you can give something. If you are told "no", you have to respect it.

 

You come across as someone who does not respect boundaries. Maybe that's the reason why the relationship went wrong.

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MyHawaiian

MyHawaiian

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You are being selfish. It's not about your emotions, it's about the emotions of the child. You have no right to give her something.

You can ask the mom if you can give something. If you are told "no", you have to respect it.

 

You come across as someone who does not respect boundaries. Maybe that's the reason why the relationship went wrong.

 

If you only knew why the relationship went south. The things I did for the both of them you will never know. It's always been about the little girl. She always came first.

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Quiet Storm

Quiet Storm

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But she's not your kid. It doesn't matter how much you did for her. It was generous of you, but that generosity doesn't give you any status in her life besides mom's exboyfriend. It's a shame that she will have to feel that loss, but it's the unfortunate reality for some kids of single parents. They get close to people and then they're gone. I think the gift is inappropriate and you are making it more dramatic than it has to be.

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MyHawaiian

MyHawaiian

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But she's not your kid. It doesn't matter how much you did for her. It was generous of you, but that generosity doesn't give you any status in her life besides mom's exboyfriend. It's a shame that she will have to feel that loss, but it's the unfortunate reality for some kids of single parents. They get close to people and then they're gone. I think the gift is inappropriate and you are making it more dramatic than it has to be.

 

UPDATE: So I listen to my instincts and left the present in front of her door. My ex told me "I wasn't expecting you not to give her a present, but you prove me wrong and I want to thank you and she was very happy with the gift" Unfortunately I miss the call. Her daughter wanted to say thank you. But I got a text instead.

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lgspot

lgspot

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Good boy!!!

You handle things right and you can remain in her life.

I just met my ex's daughter and gave her "her" Valentine's Day gift.

If I count right, that's her 20th Valentine's gift from me.

Her mom certainly didn't get that many gifts (not from me anyway)..... lol

 

It can be done. You just have to work things the correct way.

Even most "exes" have their daughter's best interest at heart.

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PinkInTheLimo

PinkInTheLimo

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If you only knew why the relationship went south. The things I did for the both of them you will never know. It's always been about the little girl. She always came first.

 

You are basically deaf for whatever we say here. This stubbornness is probably why it went wrong.

 

The relationship is OVER. BACK OFF!!! No present for the girl. She is not your daughter. You have no rights over her. None.

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PinkInTheLimo

PinkInTheLimo

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Good boy!!!

You handle things right and you can remain in her life.

I just met my ex's daughter and gave her "her" Valentine's Day gift.

If I count right, that's her 20th Valentine's gift from me.

Her mom certainly didn't get that many gifts (not from me anyway)..... lol

 

It can be done. You just have to work things the correct way.

Even most "exes" have their daughter's best interest at heart.

 

This is sick. It's a child, he has no Valentine to give to her. Is he a pedophile?

 

And what's next now? What will be your next excuse to still work your way into the life of this little girl? Because there will be more Valentine's, and birthdays.

 

The mother is also at fault here. She should do everything to keep you out of the life of her daughter.

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angie2443

angie2443

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You are being selfish. It's not about your emotions, it's about the emotions of the child. You have no right to give her something.

You can ask the mom if you can give something. If you are told "no", you have to respect it.

 

You come across as someone who does not respect boundaries. Maybe that's the reason why the relationship went wrong.

 

The more I read this thread, the more I agree with this.

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