CRBs Posted February 10, 2015 Share Posted February 10, 2015 I am mid-30's, separated from my stbx since August. I have been seeing a MM, mid-40's, since October. We were not meant to be anything serious. He is a serial cheater. He is wealthy, and for the past 5 years or so he's had one mistress at a time, for about a year. He says (and his close friends have verified to me in our own conversations) that his previous mistresses were "basically just twits, fun to have sex with, nothing meaningful." And then eventually one or the other of them gets bored or otherwise chooses to move on. This arrangement sounded wonderful to me. I've been in long-term NSA/FWB relationships in the past that were mutually beneficial, enjoyable, and ended well. And then we started to get to know each other. We developed feelings for each other, very quickly. And we fell for each other. He has a young child at home. By all accounts, he and his wife get along great; according to him, they are wonderful companions but have no passion remaining, and haven't for nearly a decade. He made clear at the beginning, before all of our feelings, that he wouldn't be leaving his wife - primarily because he doesn't want to leave his child. But he is doing very stupid things, if he is not wanting to get caught. He is quite public with me. He is in and out of his home at late hours. His friends say that he has not made choices like this during his previous affairs. His friends also say that his wife would most likely not leave him even if she does find out. I just wanted to write all of that out. There are probably things in my head that I actually want to say, or ask about, or find advice for, but this will do for now. Link to post Share on other sites
Gloria_Smellons Posted February 10, 2015 Share Posted February 10, 2015 Since you haven't asked for advice (yet), I won't stick my oar in. I hope writing it out has helped you in some small way - it can be such a relief just to get it out of your head and acknowledge your feelings. Sorry to find you here, but welcome. Link to post Share on other sites
Radu Posted February 10, 2015 Share Posted February 10, 2015 So ? You obviously don't have any empathy problems so i don't see what the problem is ... live and let live. It could be that she knows about the other ones as well. Link to post Share on other sites
Artie Lang Posted February 10, 2015 Share Posted February 10, 2015 no matter what he says otherwise, believe this- "basically just twits, fun to have sex with, nothing meaningful." ...unless you like being fed table scraps. sorry to sound so harsh, but don't you think you deserve better? 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author CRBs Posted February 10, 2015 Author Share Posted February 10, 2015 Since you haven't asked for advice (yet), I won't stick my oar in. I hope writing it out has helped you in some small way - it can be such a relief just to get it out of your head and acknowledge your feelings. Sorry to find you here, but welcome. Maybe some oar-sticking in would be good. lol. I don't even know what advice I would be looking for. I can already hear all the different variations of advice from people who have been on various sides of affair situations. I just wrote out something else for a different site, it was very different than this but very eye-opening for me to express. In any case. Come at me. Bring it on. lol. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CRBs Posted February 10, 2015 Author Share Posted February 10, 2015 So ? You obviously don't have any empathy problems so i don't see what the problem is ... live and let live. It could be that she knows about the other ones as well. I'm not sure if I parsed this post correctly. Are you saying that I seem empathetic, as in..... not without empathy, as in.... not an *******? lol. I don't really understand how she doesn't know. He's been doing this for years. I kind of hope that she's getting a piece on the side too, quite honestly. lol. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CRBs Posted February 10, 2015 Author Share Posted February 10, 2015 no matter what he says otherwise, believe this- ...unless you like being fed table scraps. sorry to sound so harsh, but don't you think you deserve better? I do believe that, about the previous women. I really don't believe that's how he feels about me. Although if we had managed to avoid all this wishy washy feeling stuff, everything would be so much easier. He most certainly treats his women well. The thing that's currently chapping my ass is my ego. I don't like being invisible. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 10, 2015 Share Posted February 10, 2015 I think you have to be very careful here. This is a man who is used to having affairs, used to having sex on tap. Wealthy, so probably used to getting his own way; used to being in control over people He no doubt has used every trick in the book to hang on to and to ditch his OW conquests as required. I guess he tells them what they want to hear to keep them on board. Perhaps he sees you as someone who is not content with trinkets, or meals out or just accepting stuff he can pay for. Perhaps he sees that to keep you on board, he needs a different carrot, maybe he has sussed out that "falling in love" is the incentive YOU need to stay, or perhaps he has "fallen in love" with every OW he has ever had. He is hardly likely to tell you that, is he? You are going to be highly vulnerable due to just separating from your husband; whatever the circumstances, divorces are hard. Cheaters lie, it is what they do. Stay focused to protect yourself here. Do not get too carried away, don't be just another "twit". 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 10, 2015 Share Posted February 10, 2015 I don't really understand how she doesn't know. He's been doing this for years. I kind of hope that she's getting a piece on the side too, quite honestly. lol. IF she does know, she gets the status of being Mrs Wealthyman, she gets to spend the money and she gets to live in the nice house and drive the nice cars. Maybe she sees lack of sex/intimacy with him as no big loss, or maybe he is just as intimate with her as ever and she doesn't see his extra curricular activities as being any real threat to her and her lifestyle, so turns a blind eye. Perhaps she is just a doormat, he promises he will never do it again and she keeps forgiving him. Perhaps she has no idea whatsoever and would be totally shocked. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Radu Posted February 10, 2015 Share Posted February 10, 2015 I'm not sure if I parsed this post correctly. Are you saying that I seem empathetic, as in..... not without empathy, as in.... not an *******? lol. I don't really understand how she doesn't know. He's been doing this for years. I kind of hope that she's getting a piece on the side too, quite honestly. lol. I mean you seem to not be bothered by silly things like empathy. Your hoping she gets something on the side is a need to not see her as a victim; a rationalization. If she is a victim ... it puts you in a bad light; if she can't claim victim status ... it's better. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted February 10, 2015 Share Posted February 10, 2015 The friends are part of the game-they help make each OW feel like they are different-better than those before them-he probably helps his friends with their OWs as well- the good old boys- Sounds like you have a decent handle on the situation but thinking you are any different than the others may be your trip wire-the guy is a serial cheater-its a lifestyle, its a game- one he plays well and has lots of practice with- 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted February 10, 2015 Share Posted February 10, 2015 Yes he and wife will stay together if he gets caught. What is it that you want to know exactly? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted February 10, 2015 Share Posted February 10, 2015 It sounds to me like he laid it out very clearly to you in the beginning. He made clear at the beginning, before all of our feelings, that he wouldn't be leaving his wife - primarily because he doesn't want to leave his child. Whether you have developed feelings for each other or not...he never lied to you and you were perfectly willing to enter into the relationship knowing that he made no promises of any kind. I am not sure what you are asking or searching for. If you wanted to share your situation you have. But you are not really any any questions. I fear you have set yourself up for a heartbreak...but then any time someone enters into a relationship with a married person...they are taking a huge risk IMHO. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted February 10, 2015 Share Posted February 10, 2015 I do believe that, about the previous women. I really don't believe that's how he feels about me. Although if we had managed to avoid all this wishy washy feeling stuff, everything would be so much easier. He most certainly treats his women well. The thing that's currently chapping my ass is my ego. I don't like being invisible. If being hidden is the thing that bothers you most then I don't think an affair is a good relationship for you as of course you have to stay hidden in order to have the affair. I suspect that your MM has been infatuated with every OW he has ever had and he has mistaken those feelings for love. Once the infatuation feelings wear off he becomes tired of the current OW, tosses her aside and then tells the next one that she is special. He may not be lying when he says this as he likely really feels it in the moment but it's not really love and so it never lasts. One day he will throw you onto the heap of his discarded OW and you will wish with all of your heart that you never even met him. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Gigigirl Posted February 10, 2015 Share Posted February 10, 2015 I do believe that, about the previous women. I really don't believe that's how he feels about me. Although if we had managed to avoid all this wishy washy feeling stuff, everything would be so much easier. He most certainly treats his women well. The thing that's currently chapping my ass is my ego. I don't like being invisible. And there it is (bolded). Instead of trying to explain to everyone here how different your affair is and how he doesn't treat you like a "twit", why don't you go into further detail about this? You said FWB/affair was a great idea to you so what about being hidden is currently bothering you? You mention him being stupid by being in public with you and obviously his friends know what's up so how do you mean you are invisible? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Quiet Storm Posted February 10, 2015 Share Posted February 10, 2015 It sounds like maybe you are hopeful that you will be different since he seems to have more feelings for you than his other women. There are women here at LS who have been the only OW ever, whose MMs are genuinely in love with them, and whose MMs still won't leave the marriage. This is because for most MM, their emotions don't factor into their decisions regarding their marriage. In his mind, he is staying married, regardless of whether he loves you with all his heart or is just using you for sex. His life is already established, and he doesn't want to change it. You, and his prior OWs, are supplements. So while his feelings towards you are validating and likely genuine, it's my opinion that the outcome will no different than his other affairs. This is a mistake many OW make...thinking the feelings will count for something in the long run. OW can feel the sincerity of MMs feelings, they can see the love in his eyes. But this does not mean anything when MM won't allow their emotions & love for OW to influence their choices. So you have to decide how long you are willing to supplement his marriage. Also, consider if he's really the kind of person you want to be involved with. He clearly has no issues cheating, lying or using people. Most people wouldn't want this type of a guy as a casual friend, but a relationship with him is attractive and intriguing to you. Why? It's not like a normal FWB relationship where things are equal. This is a guy who you know has poor character. Even if you don't mind being part of an affair, aren't concerned about the fallout if discovered and are OK with the limited attention a married guy can offer... why does this attract you? You are already getting emotionally invested because you are already rationalizing & justifying in your mind (he treats me better than his prior OWs, his wife has to know and must not care). The more time you spend with him, the more emotionally invested you will become. It's not smart to get emotionally invested in a married guy that straight up tells you he will never leave. You logically think you can remain detached, but that's unlikely in reality. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted February 10, 2015 Share Posted February 10, 2015 You'll serve your purpose for a while, and then you'll be gone. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ComingInHot Posted February 10, 2015 Share Posted February 10, 2015 I do believe that, about the previous women. I really don't believe that's how he feels about me. Although if we had managed to avoid all this wishy washy feeling stuff, everything would be so much easier. He most certainly treats his women well. The thing that's currently chapping my ass is my ego. I don't like being invisible. In bold, with the ego thing you got going on, it makes sense that you would want to think 'it's different with you'. But ultimately, it will probably be your ego or his that blows this whole thing up and over yet he will just go back to those 'twits' from before you. You sound intelligent enough to know that His Wife has nothing to do with your choices, and their Marriage is None of your business. Your only business is to be his invisible mistress until he decides to divorce and be with you and make you Not invisible. I think you could do better personally. Don't you? CiH* 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Sub Posted February 10, 2015 Share Posted February 10, 2015 I'm assuming your NSA/FWB experiences were prior to this relationship you had with your STBX(I may have missed it, but were you married?). And now you're thinking you can go back to that with this guy. But the "wishy-washy" feelings are getting in the way. Maybe since being in an exclusive relationship, you're no longer suited for the NSA thing. At least not with a MM. And there are definitely strings attached here. You already know he's a serial cheater, and he's not leaving his W, so think about where these feelings are going to lead you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted February 10, 2015 Share Posted February 10, 2015 FWB's are hidden too. Why is this situation any less tolerable to your ego? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Poppy47 Posted February 10, 2015 Share Posted February 10, 2015 I wonder how you will feel when they are referring to you as a silly twit in the future? Perhaps it won't bother you as you don't seem to put any value on yourself. I wonder what kind of core values you do hold. What makes you think he doesn't tell all the OW the same as he tells You? Maybe you should do some reading on the infidelity forum . You will read about the pain experienced when a betrayed spouse discovers an affair. A lot of what you are believing is only hearsay. Poppy 3 Link to post Share on other sites
CherryBlossomSkirt Posted February 11, 2015 Share Posted February 11, 2015 It sounds like you and the MM are in love. If you are okay with the situation that you won't get married, it seems all right to me! Please feel free to continue sharing your thoughts and experiences. Link to post Share on other sites
jellybean89 Posted February 11, 2015 Share Posted February 11, 2015 I don't really understand how she doesn't know. He's been doing this for years. I kind of hope that she's getting a piece on the side too, quite honestly. lol. Not sure why you put the "lol" ^^. You really know nothing except what he and his loser friends have told you...these same friends who probably said the same thing to the other mistresses. He, nor his friends, respect you, that's obvious. No intimacy yet has a young child. How did that happen? Again, I would bet 99% of what he has told you is hogwash It sounds like you and the MM are in love. If you are okay with the situation that you won't get married, it seems all right to me! Please feel free to continue sharing your thoughts and experiences. Are you joking? What in the original post points to love? The sneaking around? Him being a serial cheater? What exactly points to love? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Radu Posted February 11, 2015 Share Posted February 11, 2015 Are you joking? What in the original post points to love? The sneaking around? Him being a serial cheater? What exactly points to love? They deserve each-other. Put down the hard facts about this guy and what she wrote about her own attitude towards his family. Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted February 11, 2015 Share Posted February 11, 2015 Trying to suppress the natural feelings that go along with being very intimate is very near impossible. Link to post Share on other sites
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