ww Posted April 3, 2005 Share Posted April 3, 2005 that`s my opinion. what do you people think about it' Link to post Share on other sites
Drewpy Posted April 3, 2005 Share Posted April 3, 2005 Don't know. Never gave someone a second chance. I would give my ex one, but I don't think that is possible so..... Got me. Link to post Share on other sites
Cupcake Posted April 3, 2005 Share Posted April 3, 2005 It all depends on the reason for the break up. For example, many people break up before actually giving the relationship a chance to mature. There may have been an extreme situation that caused the break up, like a relocation of one of the partners. In that case, the two agreed maturely to end the relationship. Later, their paths cross again. Maybe they wind up living in the same area. They are still single. And decide to get back together. It could work! This is just ONE brief example. But it really depends on the reason for the breakup. I believe that most second chances fail because the two haven't really ironed out the problems that caused the break up in the first place. Link to post Share on other sites
debs Posted April 3, 2005 Share Posted April 3, 2005 Ahhhh memories! I remember my first husband who was a wanderer! We had been married hmmm 2 years and he decided he wanted to go his merry way! I left, he came back hmmmmm 5+ months later!! *sigh* just when I was finally moving on and accepting the impending divorce! Those first 6 months were hard! But I believed in my vows and worked hard on us! he put me through hell! Physically and emotionally! 5 years later and many ladies later I finally had enough! I never truly trusted him after he came back. He never did work on us! And I am greatful for the experience at the age of 25! Since that time I do not go back or take back! Sorry unless BOTH show in earnest they are going to work on the relationship, NO! Second chances do not work! Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted April 3, 2005 Share Posted April 3, 2005 sometimes 2nd and 3rd chances do work out if the parties involved have changed in some positive way or some life altering situation has occurred. i know a married couple that dated for 4 or 5 yrs, broke up for a couple yrs then got back together and have beenn married for 10 yrs. Link to post Share on other sites
debs Posted April 3, 2005 Share Posted April 3, 2005 Alpha? Those cases are the exception to the rule! I applaud anyone who's second chances work out in the long haul! my second chance lasted 5 years because I allowed his behavior to continue and he did nothing to change it! He is the same way still to this day which I feel for his wife! Got to love our child she spills the beans to me very chance she gets! Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted April 3, 2005 Share Posted April 3, 2005 Originally posted by debs Alpha? Those cases are the exception to the rule! well DEBS, the original poster declared that 2nd chance never work. In a small # of cases they do work. That is my point. Link to post Share on other sites
debs Posted April 3, 2005 Share Posted April 3, 2005 Alpha I am not disputing you on this I am just IMO making a point! Link to post Share on other sites
gersanos Posted April 4, 2005 Share Posted April 4, 2005 because I allowed his behavior to continue and he did nothing to change it! Um, was he supposed to read your mind? I'm not attacking you, but this is a common problem. I am guilty of it, and I have been on the other end of the spectrum as well. Set boundaries, say what is acceptable and what is not acceptable. This is not about being controlling, this is about whether the SO likes/loves you enough to respect your needs/wants/wishes. If you have repeatedly addressed the problem(s) and nothing has changed, well, then that's different. Link to post Share on other sites
Ms_Sweetness Posted April 4, 2005 Share Posted April 4, 2005 I am currently giving my ex a second chance after he cheated on me and as a result had a baby by another woman. It's not working and as soon as we get into the same state, we are done. He doesn't communicate with me and he just goes and does things without consulting me. I agree that a 2nd chance can only work if both parties are truly trying to make it work. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted April 4, 2005 Share Posted April 4, 2005 Second chances depend on a lot of factors: 1. Are BOTH parties truly willing to do the work needed to make the chance work?? 2. Have the issues that lead to the 'first chance' been identified, and work done to fix them?? 3. Does this couple have a history that they can fall back on to show how things SHOULD work for them? (case in point...I've been married 17+ years...when my wife had an EA, and we've been in our 'second chance'...we've got many, many good years to know how awesome our relationship CAN be) My thoughts are that if these things have been followed...yes, second chances can and do work out. My wife and I are going to make it...I have no doubts. We're 10 months+ from our "d-day"...when her emotional affair ended. Things are going very well. WW- I've read your posts on the OM/OW board. Do you say this because you've had unsuccessful relationships, or because you're hoping that your MM's 'second chance' will fail, so that your relationship with him can resume? (NOT an attack...trying to understand the basis for your post) Link to post Share on other sites
NAS123 Posted April 4, 2005 Share Posted April 4, 2005 i think second chances do work IF both parties want to make things work. Look at Jennifer Lopez and Mark Anthony? they dated for a few months and they are together now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ww Posted April 4, 2005 Author Share Posted April 4, 2005 OWL : no I wish him all the best a person could wish to another person. ( don `t forget that is a man i loved and I still have feelings for). If he decided to give his marriage another chance well, I don`t find that so wrong ( except for sadness that brings to my heart )But no I don`t wish him to fail on this. ok? I am saying that bc that is how I actually feel it. Because if it didn`t work for the first time , than what makes us think it can work for second third....time? People never change. Situations change...times change...fashion changes...but people remain the same ( more or less ) . However I might be wrong on this. So any input is welcome. Link to post Share on other sites
Lonestar Posted April 4, 2005 Share Posted April 4, 2005 I had my second chance, and no it didn't work. Nothing had changed. I do think second chances can work, but only a small percentage do, and only after both parties have changed the things that caused the relationship to fail the first time. It's rare, but for some reason, a lot of people want a second chance. I did and it got me nowhere, except for several steps backwards. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted April 5, 2005 Share Posted April 5, 2005 Originally posted by ww People never change. Situations change...times change...fashion changes...but people remain the same ( more or less ) . However I might be wrong on this. So any input is welcome. Just my thoughts, but people DO and CAN change. But here's the real trick to that...we can't change anyone else. I can't make my wife become a different person, I can't make her change into someone else. Nor can she change me. But...I have the power to change who I am. I have the power to change how I react to things, how I do things. I alone can only change myself... And every one of us has that power! My case in point...my wife had an online emotional affair that very very nearly destroyed our marriage. She did this because she was unhappy in our home, she felt as though she wasn't loved, wasn't appreciated, and basically she wasn't getting what she needed out of our marriage. Does this justify what she did....no. But it does provide an explanation of WHY it happened, why she chose to do what she did. Could I change her? No. Could I change MY part in the marriage, to help her see and feel that love, that appreciation? Yes, as long as she was willing to see the changes. Guess what...she made some changes too...she's learned from all of this about the boundaries that need to exist between opposite sex friends, and the risks of not having those boundaries in place. She never understood that before. So...now she makes those boundaries, and keeps them very clear. She also now talks to me when she's not happy about something...and I have changed myself to become more willing to hear her, and to respond to that input. She didn't change me, nor did I change her. We both made those changes within ourselves, because we were both motivated to do so. People DO change, and CAN change, and do so all the time...but only when THEY want to make that change. You can't change those around you...you can only change how YOU REACT to those around you. Armed with that knowledge...yes, second chances CAN work. Link to post Share on other sites
smile Posted April 6, 2005 Share Posted April 6, 2005 I agree with Owl. You cant change a person.. and a person cant change because you want them to. Sometimes tho relationships end because one or both ppl in the relationship never fully let their guards down or started to pull back in the end. Like you dont know what you have until its gone type thing. I think thats how I feel with my ex. We have been seeing eachother for some time now and it feels so much more I dunno light on both sides. I am not overbearing or expecting too much and in turn he is more open and tends to want to do more. I think if you both want it to work then it can. Relationships are tough and they are about compromise, on both ends. But I think second chances have a better chance to work if there was a strong friendship that was the base of the relationship. Its easier to find an other lover than it is to find an other best friend. Every situation is different and thats what makes this so tough. In the midst of this relationship confusion we seem to all want an absoute to exist..... but they dont. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesnt. Sometimes they want you back sometimes they dont. Sometimes an ex's attention is sincere and sometimes its just about sex. Sometimes they want to rekindle the flame and sometimes they do just want to be friends... A breakup doesnt always end a relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Weird Posted April 6, 2005 Share Posted April 6, 2005 2nd chances can work if both parties want it to work and as long as there werent any serious problems (ie cheating, kicking the person's ass, etc) in the relationship. Basically, both people need to see the problems and correct them and become stronger form them. I think the reason 2nd chances usually dont work is because humans are by nature LAZY and wish not to logically think things through and put effort into stuff...and people like to hold grudges. I also think many relationships end for no valid reason aside from people thinking the grass is greener or people panicking that things will end in the future so why not just end the relationship before mroe time is wasted. Link to post Share on other sites
nomoreofthat Posted April 6, 2005 Share Posted April 6, 2005 second chances can work. my previous ex was a second chance. we dated for like a month in high school. then got back together a year later, and were together for 2 years. i mean, we did break up again. but it was a successful relationship that ended. i dont think you can say that they dont "work" just because the people dont stay together for the rest of their lives. they can work if they go somewhere and seem fulfilling, even if for awhile. i think multiple chances working are more likely if the relationship/s previously were not too serious, thus meaning the breakups werent so horrible and both parties were left unscarred. just my opinion. Link to post Share on other sites
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