I'm in love with my husband's best friend

[anika99]

As I sit here reading the responses to my post. I realize that there needs to be some clarification here. Allow me to remind you that not all situations are the same. Your statistics and percentages mean absolutely nothing to me. While many of you can relate, to one side of this story or another I feel the need to remind you that this situation is unique to me and my family. I knew when I posted there was a chance I'd get bashed. I'm ok with it. You are all entitled to your opinions..and believe it or not, I actually appreciate the input. Both the good and the bad. It allows me to see the situation through many different points of views. And that is extremely helpful. However. If we could keep the name calling and absolute assumptions to ourselves I think it would best serve everyone participating in this discussion.

 

Now, please allow me to clear some things up;

 

My husband and I do not have any biological children together. He has kids that live in another state, my children live with us. (their father is very present in their lives as well) While I have not told them all of the details, they are aware of the situation. They are in their late teens, and they are very smart extremely perceptive teenagers. I have raised my kids with their eyes wide open. They know that above all else, I do have their best interests in mind. My parenting is not at question here. I am a great mother, and not the monster that some of you have painted me to be. I am the lady you see at school functions, your neighbor..your friend. I am college educated. Employed. In therapy working on why I do the things I do. Working on becoming a better version of my authentic self. I don't BS. I never have. I am not disrespectful .. but I do speak my mind. Not one single person in my life is in the dark about where I am, or where I have been.

 

I am not leaving to be with the OM. I am leaving because my marriage is over, and has been over. Prior to OM moving in, I begged my husband to come back to me. He checked out...not just of our marriage, but out of his life as well. I asked him to go to therapy with me. He refused.

 

As far as my financial situation goes.. I am staying because I don't have the means to afford the home that we live in together, and neither can he. I'm not leading him on. I am not telling him I am staying with him so he can support me. He doesn't support my children financially, their father and I do. He has never helped me parent my children. I am not staying to take advantage of my husband. I am staying and HE is staying because in this moment, neither of us have a choice. Neither of have turned cold or ugly toward each other. The lines of communication are open... but as usual, he is refusing to utilize that openness. I have not lied to him about anything here. I have been open, and honest. Even as I was leaving to meet OM at the hotel, I didn't try to cover it up. How do you think he found me? I have met his questions with brutal honesty about what led us to where we are today. We are both to blame for the breakdown of our marriage. My guilt has always been an issue for me. I have stayed in unhealthy situations in my past due to guilt. Due to looking out for everyone BUT me. How does this situation make me a monster? When I reached out to him so many times.

 

We have been living separate lives under the same roof for well over a year. I do everything here. I solely take care of the house, the yard, the kids, the animals, you name it. I go to social events on my own. I go out with friends on my own. I play co-ed sports on my own. Not because I didn't want my husband there. God, That is ALL I wanted. I did it alone because I haven't had a partner...and I refuse to stop living my life because he stopped living his.

 

I have made mistakes and I am taking responsibility and handling this the best that I can.

 

How is that I am in "an affair fog" when I have loved OM for so long? Not a love where I pined for him..or even had romantic thoughts. I cared for him as my best friend. There is and has been a mutual respect for one and other and for my husband until 3 months ago. When my husband moved him in despite my objections. Our relationship, however illicit has come to be, is based on a solid friendship. I don't know what our future holds. I know that above all else we will remain friends.

 

I plan to live on my own, with my children. I have a huge support system with whom I have also been open and honest with. I told everyone this was happening. Including my husband.

 

As far as OM's PTSD. He has a handle on things. He is very active in the veteran community. He continues to go to therapy and started a group for vets in the town he lives in. Someone suggested that I wouldn't be able to handle him should he have an "episode" .. my love for him is unconditional, and I would never EVER turn my back on him for something he endured while fighting for our country. For one to suggest that I turn my back because of that reason is ridiculous. I don't walk away from friends in need. He didn't want any of this to happen either. We didn't plan this. We didn't sit around and laugh about this...or even relish in our new found relationship. We didn't celebrate it. We tried to stop it. He walked away and gave me space when I asked for it, and does to this day.

 

Your posts are very convoluted and full of contradictions. First you said you can't leave and then you say you are leaving and then you say you can't leave, then you go back to say you are going to live on your own. First you said you told your husband "let's take this one day at a time" then you say you haven't misled him, but saying "let take this one day at a time" is not being clear with your husband that the marriage is over, it is giving him false hope.

 

 

You keep trying to place the blame for your affair onto your husband. Your husband does own a share of the blame for the state of your marriage but he isn't to blame for your choice to cheat with is best friend. That is all on you. Your husband may have been a poor partner to you but it's not his fault that you and his best friend decided to betray him in such a terrible and devastating way. He likely never thought that his best friend would do such a thing to him and he probably trusted you as well.

 

 

You may be a great mother but you have just set a horrible example for your kids and it may come back to haunt you in the years to come. I know the mistakes my parents made in their relationships didn't leave me unscathed and untainted. Dragging this situation on and on only serves to prolong everyones pain and uncertainty. If you are so sure that your husbands disloyal backstabbing best friend is the man for you then just leave already. Stop this madness and let everyone get on with their lives.

[jbrent890]

As I sit here reading the responses to my post. I realize that there needs to be some clarification here. Allow me to remind you that not all situations are the same. Your statistics and percentages mean absolutely nothing to me. While many of you can relate, to one side of this story or another I feel the need to remind you that this situation is unique to me and my family. I knew when I posted there was a chance I'd get bashed. I'm ok with it. You are all entitled to your opinions..and believe it or not, I actually appreciate the input. Both the good and the bad. It allows me to see the situation through many different points of views. And that is extremely helpful. However. If we could keep the name calling and absolute assumptions to ourselves I think it would best serve everyone participating in this discussion.

 

Now, please allow me to clear some things up;

 

My husband and I do not have any biological children together. He has kids that live in another state, my children live with us. (their father is very present in their lives as well) While I have not told them all of the details, they are aware of the situation. They are in their late teens, and they are very smart extremely perceptive teenagers. I have raised my kids with their eyes wide open. They know that above all else, I do have their best interests in mind. My parenting is not at question here. I am a great mother, and not the monster that some of you have painted me to be. I am the lady you see at school functions, your neighbor..your friend. I am college educated. Employed. In therapy working on why I do the things I do. Working on becoming a better version of my authentic self. I don't BS. I never have. I am not disrespectful .. but I do speak my mind. Not one single person in my life is in the dark about where I am, or where I have been.

 

I am not leaving to be with the OM. I am leaving because my marriage is over, and has been over. Prior to OM moving in, I begged my husband to come back to me. He checked out...not just of our marriage, but out of his life as well. I asked him to go to therapy with me. He refused.

 

As far as my financial situation goes.. I am staying because I don't have the means to afford the home that we live in together, and neither can he. I'm not leading him on. I am not telling him I am staying with him so he can support me. He doesn't support my children financially, their father and I do. He has never helped me parent my children. I am not staying to take advantage of my husband. I am staying and HE is staying because in this moment, neither of us have a choice. Neither of have turned cold or ugly toward each other. The lines of communication are open... but as usual, he is refusing to utilize that openness. I have not lied to him about anything here. I have been open, and honest. Even as I was leaving to meet OM at the hotel, I didn't try to cover it up. How do you think he found me? I have met his questions with brutal honesty about what led us to where we are today. We are both to blame for the breakdown of our marriage. My guilt has always been an issue for me. I have stayed in unhealthy situations in my past due to guilt. Due to looking out for everyone BUT me. How does this situation make me a monster? When I reached out to him so many times.

 

We have been living separate lives under the same roof for well over a year. I do everything here. I solely take care of the house, the yard, the kids, the animals, you name it. I go to social events on my own. I go out with friends on my own. I play co-ed sports on my own. Not because I didn't want my husband there. God, That is ALL I wanted. I did it alone because I haven't had a partner...and I refuse to stop living my life because he stopped living his.

 

I have made mistakes and I am taking responsibility and handling this the best that I can.

 

How is that I am in "an affair fog" when I have loved OM for so long? Not a love where I pined for him..or even had romantic thoughts. I cared for him as my best friend. There is and has been a mutual respect for one and other and for my husband until 3 months ago. When my husband moved him in despite my objections. Our relationship, however illicit has come to be, is based on a solid friendship. I don't know what our future holds. I know that above all else we will remain friends.

 

I plan to live on my own, with my children. I have a huge support system with whom I have also been open and honest with. I told everyone this was happening. Including my husband.

 

As far as OM's PTSD. He has a handle on things. He is very active in the veteran community. He continues to go to therapy and started a group for vets in the town he lives in. Someone suggested that I wouldn't be able to handle him should he have an "episode" .. my love for him is unconditional, and I would never EVER turn my back on him for something he endured while fighting for our country. For one to suggest that I turn my back because of that reason is ridiculous. I don't walk away from friends in need. He didn't want any of this to happen either. We didn't plan this. We didn't sit around and laugh about this...or even relish in our new found relationship. We didn't celebrate it. We tried to stop it. He walked away and gave me space when I asked for it, and does to this day.

 

If you don't mind, I'm going to hit on a few issues in this post. First, your situation is not unique, in fact, it's more than you thin. The scenario that DKT listed is pretty head on. Women in your situation have the tendency to blow up issues in the marriage when they are in an affair. It helps assuage the guilt that you're feeling. You will be surprised how many women do this in affairs. Second, you can ignore statistics and numbers if you want. The thing is, numbers don't lie. 85 to 90% of relationships born from affairs fail. Also, a large majority of women in your situation actually regret leaving their husbands. Most even ask for a second chance. Sooner or later they come to realize that their marriages weren't that bad. Women have a hard time spreading their emotions across multiple men. Most can't do it. I guarantee once you get your AP is out of your life, you are going to start missing your husband, especially since he was starting to work on his issues. I know you don't want to hear it and trust me I'm not trying to upset you, but your situation is the text book affair for a woman. And yes, you are in the fog. Like another poster said "your mind is like Boston harbor." I guarantee you never seriously considered leaving your husband until this affair started. I will even go so far to say that you would still be trying to work on the issues with him if this guy wasn't in the picture. Also, it seems like you have some dependency issues. I don't know how your first marriage ended, but it seems like you bail when issues arise in the marriage, which is another reason why I think a relationship with OM will fail. Finally, I find it interesting that you are willing to put up with OMs PTSD as opposed to your husband's issues. You need to be honest with yourself, both you and your husband failed. You checked out just like he did. As soon as this guy came into the picture, your husband never stood a chance.

[bubbaganoosh]

What I noticed was that when you met your husband it was the land of milk and honey and reading your thread, your saying the same exact thing about your new man except for one thing.

 

Maybe your husband wasn't giving you what you needed and the OM was but there's a big difference between your husband and your "Bestie". Your bestie took what isn't his although I'll bet the house that he never held a gun to your head and forced you and you freely admit that it was your choice. Your husband has his faults and yeah they might be glaring but he didn't turn to another woman and have an affair. That is a big difference between husband and bestie. Bestie needs to have his bell rung vet or no vet. He doesn't have what a man should have and thats enough respect to not take his best friends wife.

 

I don't care if you stripped naked and threw yourself at him. he should have been man enough to step away from his best friends wife. That's as low as whale $h!t and that's real low, so before you decide to make bestie out like the greatest thing since sliced bread and a bag of chips, just remember that he has no problem taking what's not his. You may have picked the wrong door on this one.

Edited February 11, 2015 by bubbaganoosh

[beach]

You've rewritten the Relationship with your husband BECAUSE of the affair. BEFORE the friend entered the scene you were all about your husband and how great it was. Then your focus was on the OM because of all the new attention he paid to you.

 

That is when you started thinking and feeling differently about your H. Your H did not change - you did.

 

And because you are so stuck in the fog of how great the OM is - that is why you should D your husband = because he doesn't stand a chance of you feeling differently now.

 

And stop telling him "one day at a time" that isn't fair or right. If you are honest you will say your heart isn't in the M and it should end.

 

Be kind enough to your H to divorce him.

 

THEN you can do whatever you choose.

[Eighemy]

I see what some of you are saying now. And, You're right, there is a different tone. That's because minute to minute my life take on a different tone. This all came to a head 2 days ago.

 

Because of my actions.

I get it.

 

When I asked my husband to take it day by day. I did it because I didn't want to make yet another promise that I couldn't keep. Tonight, we talked and I rephrased that and asked if we could at least wait until the dust settled to make any major decisions. We talked a lot tonight.

 

We honestly do not know where to go from here, and have decided to seek professional help..in our separation, or our decision to try to make it work...we need guidance.

 

Pretty eye opening stuff here folks. Most of you make very valid points. I still don't think it's as black and white as some of you make it out to be. But we are all entitled to our own opinions.

 

I

[DKT3]

I see what some of you are saying now. And, You're right, there is a different tone. That's because minute to minute my life take on a different tone. This all came to a head 2 days ago.

 

Because of my actions.

I get it.

 

When I asked my husband to take it day by day. I did it because I didn't want to make yet another promise that I couldn't keep. Tonight, we talked and I rephrased that and asked if we could at least wait until the dust settled to make any major decisions. We talked a lot tonight.

 

We honestly do not know where to go from here, and have decided to seek professional help..in our separation, or our decision to try to make it work...we need guidance.

 

Pretty eye opening stuff here folks. Most of you make very valid points. I still don't think it's as black and white as some of you make it out to be. But we are all entitled to our own opinions.

 

I

 

If you don't mind me being blunt, WHY? Why put your husband through the indecision when in reality you simply can afford to be with your true love? Why prolong his pain? Why not just pull your boots up and get out of this sham of a marriage already?

 

What about your husband makes it hard to leave other then money? You don't love him, you don't have kids together. Clearly hurting him isn't an issue.

 

Its simply more selfish thinking, the same kind of thinking that lead to your affair. Just pack your bags and go already. It is that black and white. According to you your in love and its not your husband. Stop stealing his life, everyone tells you that you deserve to be happy, well so does your husband. He deserves to find a woman who will love him and be faithful.

 

Just get it over already, in the long run he will be better off without you. In time he will understand that.

[whichwayisup]

I see what some of you are saying now. And, You're right, there is a different tone. That's because minute to minute my life take on a different tone. This all came to a head 2 days ago.

 

Because of my actions.

I get it.

 

When I asked my husband to take it day by day. I did it because I didn't want to make yet another promise that I couldn't keep. Tonight, we talked and I rephrased that and asked if we could at least wait until the dust settled to make any major decisions. We talked a lot tonight.

 

We honestly do not know where to go from here, and have decided to seek professional help..in our separation, or our decision to try to make it work...we need guidance.

 

Pretty eye opening stuff here folks. Most of you make very valid points. I still don't think it's as black and white as some of you make it out to be. But we are all entitled to our own opinions.

 

I

 

If you do decide to make it work you know that means cutting OM completely out of your life. No talking, no seeing him, no emails, texts, facebook - nothing. Either you re invest in your marriage and both you and your husband work together to make things good again or you divorce. If you keep any contact on the side with OM, trying to save your marriage is pointless.

 

Maybe right from the beginning if you had told your husband WHY you didn't want OM to move in, none of this would have happened. you had feelings for him before he moved in, you knew in your gut something was there. Anyway, what is done is done and now you all have a huge mess to cope and deal with.

 

If this turns out to be a separation first, take that time alone. NC with OM so you can figure out what it is you want.

[Hope Shimmers]

Wow!

 

I haven't read the entire thread, but I can hardly believe the responses. The BSs chimed in for 3 pages of beat-her-up-for-having-an-affair. Did any of you actually read the original post and try to put it into NEUTRAL perspective? Like maybe not everyone who has an A is a horrible person? How do you do that - do you just blank out the details you don't want to hear that might actually be relevant in some way? Not that it "makes it right", but maybe it pertains to the particular situation in some way other than "AFFAIRS ARE WRONG AND SHE IS A CHEATER!" OMG.

 

My eyes were rolled back in my head for the first 2 pages that I read of this thread. OMG!

 

OP, taking your post at face value (which is all ANYONE HERE SHOULD DO!), your husband contributed a great deal to the decline/demise of your marriage. It doesn't excuse an affair, but if what you say is true, it almost sounds like he was pushing you in that direction. It doesn't mean you made the right decision - an A is not the right choice even if it seems to be at the time.

 

That said, now you have to decide what to do. Importantly, now you need to decide what is to become of your marriage. I would advise you that your relationship with OM is at a new stage and as such, all you see is that high. Leave him and that relationship out of the picture and decide on your marriage.

[DKT3]

Wow!

 

I haven't read the entire thread, but I can hardly believe the responses. The BSs chimed in for 3 pages of beat-her-up-for-having-an-affair. Did any of you actually read the original post and try to put it into NEUTRAL perspective? Like maybe not everyone who has an A is a horrible person? How do you do that - do you just blank out the details you don't want to hear that might actually be relevant in some way? Not that it "makes it right", but maybe it pertains to the particular situation in some way other than "AFFAIRS ARE WRONG AND SHE IS A CHEATER!" OMG.

 

My eyes were rolled back in my head for the first 2 pages that I read of this thread. OMG!

 

OP, taking your post at face value (which is all ANYONE HERE SHOULD DO!), your husband contributed a great deal to the decline/demise of your marriage. It doesn't excuse an affair, but if what you say is true, it almost sounds like he was pushing you in that direction. It doesn't mean you made the right decision - an A is not the right choice even if it seems to be at the time.

 

That said, now you have to decide what to do. Importantly, now you need to decide what is to become of your marriage. I would advise you that your relationship with OM is at a new stage and as such, all you see is that high. Leave him and that relationship out of the picture and decide on your marriage.

 

Step down from that soap box Hope. I believe the vast majority here has advised her to go to her lover and leave her husband alone. She has made it clear throughout she isn't in love with husband, and if she could afford it she would leave. She has decided what she wants and said "I do not want to fix it".

 

Its time for her to make that move and stop using her husband because she doesn't think her and AP can make it money wise.

[beach]

Why are you making effort with a man you don't love?

 

It looks like you're trying to deceive him further by staying and working on the marriage...

 

If you work on the marriage - do you intend to never, ever communicate with your OM again?

[HurtOfGlass]

If my best friend (or anyone in my case) leaves their wallet in my car with money inside, I will not steal from it. It's my choice.

 

Since you are comparing wives with wallets and money, let me give you my take on friendship:

 

When I was in school, one time my friends started stealing my lunch and kept the empty lunchbox in my bag. I watched it for 3-4 days. I figured it out that they were playing a practical joke on me. But I couldn't let this continue. SO one day I mixed heavy dose of laxatives in my lunch. I didn't tell anyone about it. I waited for them to steal my lunch again. And yes, they did. Within 15 mins, 4-5 of them were running to the loo. They went in and out 6-7 times, each of them.

 

They got the message. Friends or no friends, I will teach them a lesson if they f***** with me. Otherwise they would get boulder and would have the audacity to pull such 5hIt on me again in the future.

 

My point is you don't bend over backwards to accommodate friends in your life and bring potential disaster to your marriage.

 

As you said to me that there is nothing like too honest relationship, I say to you there is nothing like too trusting friendship.

[Ralph79]

I see what some of you are saying now. And, You're right, there is a different tone. That's because minute to minute my life take on a different tone. This all came to a head 2 days ago.

 

Because of my actions.

I get it.

 

When I asked my husband to take it day by day. I did it because I didn't want to make yet another promise that I couldn't keep. Tonight, we talked and I rephrased that and asked if we could at least wait until the dust settled to make any major decisions. We talked a lot tonight.

 

We honestly do not know where to go from here, and have decided to seek professional help..in our separation, or our decision to try to make it work...we need guidance.

 

Pretty eye opening stuff here folks. Most of you make very valid points. I still don't think it's as black and white as some of you make it out to be. But we are all entitled to our own opinions.

 

I

 

Eighemy

 

You've made your choice. So my advice & observations (like every other thread I've participated on that reaches this point) will only be on subjects pertinent to your current goal since you are the OP, not your husband or your friend. They didn't come here seeking guidance, you did. And I will gladly cheer you on as long as your goal comes at the expense of no one else.

 

Having said that, I commend you on your choice to seek professional help with your husband. And I'm even more impressed that you're not bent on an outcome. You know this will go either way and I'm glad your husband will get help too. You know he loves you and doesn't want to lose you.

 

Don't think this outcome from the affair will "fix" your marriage or the neglect he showed you in the past though. Two wrongs usually never make a right and whatever you work out in the short term could possible fizzle out if you don't get to the root of the problem with the counselor.

 

In regards to your feelings for the OM, I recommend you make an evaluation of his character. While it's honorable and commendable that he fought for his country, you have got to acknowledge that he betrayed his best friend. The very people he was fighting for. And did so knowing the consequences of his actions. He was there for you because your husband trusted him. Your friend was on borrowed time with you and he used it to develop a relationship when he should have been grateful for the aid you & your husband provided and set boundaries. In the end he contributed to you losing your integrity. As great and charming as he was as a companion, it means nothing without integrity. You cannot trust this man. Even in every cell in your body tells you otherwise, his single act of betrayal given HIS circumstances outweighs everything. Hopes that sinks in one day.

 

And lastly, do you have any spiritual beliefs?

[Ralph79]

Since you are comparing wives with wallets and money, let me give you my take on friendship:

 

When I was in school, one time my friends started stealing my lunch and kept the empty lunchbox in my bag. I watched it for 3-4 days. I figured it out that they were playing a practical joke on me. But I couldn't let this continue. SO one day I mixed heavy dose of laxatives in my lunch. I didn't tell anyone about it. I waited for them to steal my lunch again. And yes, they did. Within 15 mins, 4-5 of them were running to the loo. They went in and out 6-7 times, each of them.

 

They got the message. Friends or no friends, I will teach them a lesson if they f***** with me. Otherwise they would get boulder and would have the audacity to pull such 5hIt on me again in the future.

 

My point is you don't bend over backwards to accommodate friends in your life and bring potential disaster to your marriage.

 

As you said to me that there is nothing like too honest relationship, I say to you there is nothing like too trusting friendship.

 

They weren't your best friend. They were bullies who were trying to hurt you on purpose. While I find your retaliation somewhat telling, that was your choice. And simply stood up to them. It has nothing to do with not being accommodating.

 

While I wouldn't task my best friend to do my husbandly chores with my wife EVER, it wouldn't be out of distrust. I would look forward to the time spent with my wife enough to not delegate that responsibility to anyone.

 

I've gone to school meetings in place of my brother for my nephews several times because he doesn't have time. That doesn't mean I'm going to steal his kids and be their father.

 

And the honest comment was something pertaining to the context of your thread which I'm not going to get into here.

 

And in hopes of making this post relevant to the OP's I will add:

 

My point is you don't bend over backwards to accommodate friends in your life and bring potential disaster to your marriage..

 

Your husband took this risk because he trusted your friend and wanted to help him. He didn't mean or expect his friend to use this kind gesture to betray his trust. Thus I stand by my opinion about his non existent integrity.

[Sassy Girl]

Eighemy

 

You've made your choice. So my advice & observations (like every other thread I've participated on that reaches this point) will only be on subjects pertinent to your current goal since you are the OP, not your husband or your friend. They didn't come here seeking guidance, you did. And I will gladly cheer you on as long as your goal comes at the expense of no one else.

 

Having said that, I commend you on your choice to seek professional help with your husband. And I'm even more impressed that you're not bent on an outcome. You know this will go either way and I'm glad your husband will get help too. You know he loves you and doesn't want to lose you.

 

Don't think this outcome from the affair will "fix" your marriage or the neglect he showed you in the past though. Two wrongs usually never make a right and whatever you work out in the short term could possible fizzle out if you don't get to the root of the problem with the counselor.

 

In regards to your feelings for the OM, I recommend you make an evaluation of his character. While it's honorable and commendable that he fought for his country, you have got to acknowledge that he betrayed his best friend. The very people he was fighting for. And did so knowing the consequences of his actions. He was there for you because your husband trusted him. Your friend was on borrowed time with you and he used it to develop a relationship when he should have been grateful for the aid you & your husband provided and set boundaries. In the end he contributed to you losing your integrity. As great and charming as he was as a companion, it means nothing without integrity. You cannot trust this man. Even in every cell in your body tells you otherwise, his single act of betrayal given HIS circumstances outweighs everything. Hopes that sinks in one day.

 

And lastly, do you have any spiritual beliefs?

 

Absolutely agree with this last paragraph. What kind of a man accepts the hospitality of his best friend and then conducts an affair in that mans home. I am a WW not a BS and I can tell you objectively, this man is broken and not a safe bet. You will. Not be able to trust him because he simply isn't a trustworthy or honourable man. What he has done here goes against the honor code of the organisation he was a member of and coukd be in trouble if he was still serving. So please, please don't hold up his military service as some shining beacon of his character as he obviously doesn't live by that moral code anymore. It's insulting to those who have lived (and died) defending that same code.

 

Nah, he's just another broken dude who couldn't get his own so thieved and betrayed from the one man who loved him enough to give him a hand up with his life when he most needed it.

 

And this is how how he repays him? Wow. Some friend

[fellini]

And taken at face value this is where your interpretation would be totally wrong. Maybe you haven't lived the "blind trust" marriage. But I have. I know how it feels:

 

A man who has total and unconditional trust of his spouse lives each day with that trust. It never, ever, ever not for a second diminishes.

 

There is no hiccup.

 

Even if a man finds himself in a low spot in his marriage, loses connections he once had, and continues living like this for a time, he never loses the trust.

 

So even if he brings a JOINT BEST FRIEND into the matrimonial home he can think and feel a lot of things. He can see his wife smiling, happy, full of energy and think everything he wants to think but what he will never think is that his spouse is having or would want to have an affair.

 

If you do not believe this is possible, and I don't say it's a good thing to have this unconditional trust with the woman you chose to marry, but if you think it's not possible, you haven't been taking hundreds of stories in LS at face value.

 

I never once knew my wife was spending months to a year emotionally and physically dedicating herself to a co-worker. Even when I saw that she had left her ipad google search on infidelity, the first thing that came to my head was one of her friends was in trouble. But when I asked about it, out of curiosity - a week or two later even, that's how SURE I WAS she would never cheat - and she told me she was "seeing someone else" - I was completely DEVASTATED and yet, I immediately knew who it was. My story is not unique by any means.

 

Saying that a man was pushing his wife into an affair is a most disrespectful comment anyone can make unless they know the full circumstances, and even then, I'd lean toward the idea that this was "wishful thinking" on the part of the self interested.

 

 

 

OP, taking your post at face value (which is all ANYONE HERE SHOULD DO!), your husband contributed a great deal to the decline/demise of your marriage. It doesn't excuse an affair, but if what you say is true, it almost sounds like he was pushing you in that direction.

Edited February 11, 2015 by fellini

[Fearful]

I can't stop wondering why cheaters love rewriting their relationship history just to shift the blame of their cheating on the BS. Op, base on your presentation, your husband was a worrible person, in your 7years of marriage, he neglected you and your children and that justify your cheating on him. Yet, you are not ready to divorse him because your Combination with the OM cannot provide you and your children the life you enjoy with the OM. You also claim to be an honest person yet, you travel to be with the OM for three days while making your husband believed you were with your female best friend and at the same time you are wanting the world to belief that nothing physical happened untill @ the hotel room. Your husband send the OM packing from your house yet you still pursue him and that is also your husband's fault. You have and unconditional love for the OM, kindly divorce your husband and go live with the OM but before you do that, do your self a favour by getting in touch with the OM ex wife since you said she also became your friend at a point in time. There, you can have a true picture of who the OM is and what truely lead to the demise of their marriage. Your love for the OM grew from pity but it seems you don't even have a true picture of whom the OM is. Good luck!

[truncated]

We'd talk on the phone..we'd talk on facebook...and soon, I was talking to the bestie more than my husband was.

 

The husband could have immediately put a stop to this by saying "I don't like you are spending so much time with X. Its inappropriate and yes, I am jealous"

 

bestie was in my phone as "El Hubbo Numero Dos - husband no.2"

 

I don't know if her husband knew this but if he then he should have reacted strongly.

 

At this time,my husband had withdrawn from our marriage. He was "here" but not "here" he was caught up in video games, (at 40 years old mind you) we barely spoke, touched, and sex was virtually non-existent.

 

Big problems in the marriage. I can't imagine not doing my wife when she is wanting it so much.

 

I KNEW my feelings for bestie were borderline inappropriate. I told my hub didn't think it would end well for any of us.

 

still no action from her husband.

 

my husband asked me what I thought about having him to move in with us. Every single time he brought it up, I shot it down. I waved every red flag I could wave..until finally, I surrendered and agreed.

 

What more could she have done to make her husband understand?

 

Husband and I were on a bowling league, . husband sent bestie in his place twice. Bestie would grocery shop with me...cook with me, help with chores.

 

I can't ever imagine saying to my best friend. "Will you take my wife to shopping because I can't?"

 

and it was as if my husband was fine with it.

 

Is he even a man?

 

Husband then leaves to go on a hunting trip for a week, and leaves us alone together in our home.

 

I can only imagine what two naughty kids would do in this situation. Hell, if I was the friend I wouldn't even miss this chance to bang the wife.

 

 

 

Sorry, can't feel any sympathy for the husband. He brought it all on himself.

 

Oh for the love of @#$%...

 

His wife could have said one short little owrd. It only has two letters and takes little effort to say. It's "NO".

 

If she couldn't keep her self from cheating, that's on her. Lots of women have friends of the opposite sex and it never crosses the line. She is not a child, she is an adult, fuly capable of making her own decisions, and if she made some poor ones, that's all on her.

[truncated]

d.

 

As far as OM's PTSD. He has a handle on things. He is very active in the veteran community. He continues to go to therapy and started a group for vets in the town he lives in. Someone suggested that I wouldn't be able to handle him should he have an "episode" .. my love for him is unconditional, and I would never EVER turn my back on him for something he endured while fighting for our country. For one to suggest that I turn my back because of that reason is ridiculous. I don't walk away from friends in need. He didn't want any of this to happen either. We didn't plan this. We didn't sit around and laugh about this...or even relish in our new found relationship. We didn't celebrate it. We tried to stop it. He walked away and gave me space when I asked for it, and does to this day.

 

 

If he is having issues with PTSD, then the last thing he needs is a complicated relationship with you, the guilt over hurting his best friend who tried to help him, etc.

 

PTSD takes a long time to work through, and can cause people to do some crazy things and bond quickly with someone. The trouble is, that bond isn't real.

 

Think of it this way. He was wounded , may have had issues with PTSD from his first tour, his wife cheats on him, he gets involved with his best friends wife and now they are splitting up because of somethng he did ( even if you say it would have happened anyway). That doesn't speak to someone being in a good place mentally.

 

The best thing you can do for him right now is to leave him alone while he works through all of this. If, after that, he still wnats to be with you, fine, but it takes more than a few months or even a year to get through something like this, and you are part of the cause.

[thummper]

I've read a lot of disgusting posts on this site; this is by far the worst ever. I can't even begin to understand the anguish this husband must be suffering over this. To have your wife open the door of a hotel room, see her standing there, knowing what she and YOUR BEST FRIEND have been doing, knowing that she and he have betrayed you in the worst way possible, desperately trying to stay in your marriage while your wife, showing no remorse at all, makes it absolutely clear that she wants HIM and not you is totally numbing. I felt sick to my stomach after reading it. My only thought is that, in the end, the best thing that could happen to this man is to be rid of these two terrible people.

[Spectre]

Cut the woman some slack. Maybe if you guys stop hounding, she will come back. I know how people can hound here from their moral high grounds.

 

The person blaming the husband for this is telling people to cut the woman some slack?

 

 

Look, lets nip this in the butt: I don't care what the hell the husband did, she had no right to cheat. Unless the husband got up to her face and said "please betray me with my friend!" then you implying this is on him is honestly...utterly disgusting.

 

I've read a lot of disgusting posts on this site; this is by far the worst ever. I can't even begin to understand the anguish this husband must be suffering over this. To have your wife open the door of a hotel room, see her standing there, knowing what she and YOUR BEST FRIEND have been doing, knowing that she and he have betrayed you in the worst way possible, desperately trying to stay in your marriage while your wife, showing no remorse at all, makes it absolutely clear that she wants HIM and not you is totally numbing. I felt sick to my stomach after reading it. My only thought is that, in the end, the best thing that could happen to this man is to be rid of these two terrible people.

 

It gets even worse when you see people actually trying to place the blame on the husband instead of his skank of a wife.

[Akheron]

"I am leaving because my marriage is over, and has been over."

 

Are you divorced? No? Then your marriage isn't over. You took vows. Just because your husband hasn't been living up to his doesn't mean you have carte blanche to violate yours. Did your husband have an affair?

 

"I am staying because I don't have the means to afford the home that we live in together, and neither can he."

 

Then sell the house, and you can be with your true love. If the OM is your true love, then this wouldn't be an obstacle. Otherwise its called cake eating. This isn't calculus.

 

"My guilt has always been an issue for me."

 

Did you feel guilty before, during, or after you slept with your husband's best friend?

 

"I have made mistakes and I am taking responsibility and handling this the best that I can."

 

Nope. You made a choice. A bad one. Until you accept that, nothing else matters.

 

"I don't know what our future holds. I know that above all else we will remain friends."

 

Your future holds either divorce or reconciliation and no contact. Again, pretty simple. You just have to make up your mind, and the sooner you come to terms with what you really want, the sooner the healing can begin. Your indecision is just causing and prolonging more pain for your husband.

 

"I don't walk away from friends in need."

 

So I guess your husband wasn't your friend.

[HurtOfGlass]

If people only want to give her TOUGH LOVE, well continue. I guess she will not bother to read your feedback. People in such distressful state only become more defensive if attacked.

 

Husband then leaves to go on a hunting trip for a week, and leaves us alone together in our home.

 

I don't know about others but I can only speak for myself. If I was reeling from so less affection that I felt my marriage was slipping away and wife didn't care, I would act out the same way. In this situation I will be all over the woman regardless of whether I am married or she is married.

 

Maybe people here are all role models of integrity who has not done a single wrong thing in their life. So its all black and white for them. Good.

 

 

I've read a lot of disgusting posts on this site; this is by far the worst ever.

 

I have also read many stories here. Especially in Other Woman/Man section where I feel true sympathy for the betrayed and absolute disgust for the heinousness of the waywards. But myself being a victim of infidelity, I can honestly say this is not one of them.

[BetrayedH]

I think you're wise to seek marriage counseling to decide how to move forward with your marriage. I agree wholeheartedly with previous posters that say you would still be working with your husband on your marriage if there weren't a third party involved. I think you need to remove the OM from the equation entirely and really step back from that biochemical rush. Your conversations should be with your husband only. If you want to be believable when you say that you're not leaving your husband for the other man, then the OM should be removed from the equation entirely. Give your marriage the respect that it deserves by not having another man in the middle of it.

 

Did you husband make some mistakes by not mate-protecting you? Sure. But you also made similar mistakes by not coming clean about your developing feelings. You both failed to install boundaries to protect your marriage.

 

Did your husband make some mistakes by withdrawing from the marriage? Sure. But you also made mistakes by then investing emotionally in another man. This didn't happen in an instant; you made a long series of small decisions that you knew were wrong.

 

My point is that you both made mistakes. Meant gently, yours was pretty damn devastating. But here your husband is still wanting to repair the marriage. What's your excuse? Deserving to be happy with this OM? I'd encourage you to look objectively at this OM. Your husband brought him into his home to help him and instead, the guys steals his wife. The only reason you're not judging him harshly for that is because you participated in the same thing. The OM is not a great guy. And frankly, what your H deserves is a fair shot at his marriage without this dude in the picture. You say you "can't" be without him. That's the fog talking.

[road]

As far as OM's PTSD. He has a handle on things. He is very active in the veteran community. He continues to go to therapy and started a group for vets in the town he lives in. Someone suggested that I wouldn't be able to handle him should he have an "episode" .. my love for him is unconditional, and I would never EVER turn my back on him for something he endured while fighting for our country. For one to suggest that I turn my back because of that reason is ridiculous. I don't walk away from friends in need. He didn't want any of this to happen either. We didn't plan this. We didn't sit around and laugh about this...or even relish in our new found relationship. We didn't celebrate it. We tried to stop it. He walked away and gave me space when I asked for it, and does to this day.

 

Yes you will handle him the way you handled your BH. Sadly.

[BetrayedH]

If people only want to give her TOUGH LOVE, well continue. I guess she will not bother to read your feedback. People in such distressful state only become more defensive if attacked.

 

Husband then leaves to go on a hunting trip for a week, and leaves us alone together in our home.

 

I don't know about others but I can only speak for myself. If I was reeling from so less affection that I felt my marriage was slipping away and wife didn't care, I would act out the same way. In this situation I will be all over the woman regardless of whether I am married or she is married.

 

Maybe people here are all role models of integrity who has not done a single wrong thing in their life. So its all black and white for them. Good.

 

I have also read many stories here. Especially in Other Woman/Man section where I feel true sympathy for the betrayed and absolute disgust for the heinousness of the waywards. But myself being a victim of infidelity, I can honestly say this is not one of them.

 

I think you were right in one of your earlier posts to say that there is a cultural difference. I do think there is some wisdom in other cultures where they have much stronger boundaries in place to protect the marriage. They realize the threats that are out there and intentionally choose to remove temptations. Probably very smart thinking. But the culture here IS very different. Women are not our possessions and we do not make rules about what they can and cannot do. They have real freedom. And along with that, we expect them to take ownership of their decisions.

 

You may say that it was unwise to trust his best friend and wife together. And you're obviously proven right in this circumstance. Where you are wrong is to blame him for the choice that was made by his best friend and wife. They are adults and not possessions; they should have chosen not to betray him. That decision is entirely on THEM and them alone. It's not his job to police them; it's their job to police themselves. They own their decisions.

 

Your statement that you would be all over the woman whether she was married or not does you a disservice. Are you not in control of yourself? Could you not control your base instincts enough to avoid betraying your best friend with his wife? People may need more boundaries in life but they also need more self-control.