I'm in love with my husband's best friend

[Sticky Fingers]

Your husband blames himself for helping to create the environment that helped create the affair - thus the begging, the need to cuddle, etc -, but what he fails to realize is that even after he returned to the marriage and kicked his former BF out, you continued contacting him and that you chose to turn the emotional affair into a full blown affair.

 

Your happiness with the OM will be short lived once the two of you start living together and having to deal with the daily stresses of life which will include children with emotional problems stemming from your betrayal.

 

Like it or not, you butchered and murdered your ailing marriage after it was coming back to life. You are going to have to live with that for the rest of your life. Your children will know what kind of woman their mother truly is and how you have set in motion a dysfunctional future for them.

[Sub]

In my experience, people don't know what the hell to say. So they say "good luck" and then gossip to their friends. But with family, I've learned that blood is typically thicker than water. I lost all of my inlaws instantly (after 18 years of being with my wife).

I get that, and I wouldn't expect her to be crucified by them. But the friends and family members I know in similar situations didn't get what amounts to a pat on the head from their loved ones. I'm sure OP hasn't grasped all of the dynamics at risk here with everything that's going on. But given who the OM is in this situation, you would think there'd be someone in her personal life who would say something close to what she would get on an internet forum.

 

OP, did anyone in your life know what was happening with the OM while it was going on? Did you confide in anyone?

[HurtOfGlass]

Yep. The guy certainly made some errors in not "mate-protecting" his wife but he did it in the spirit of trust. It's not a capital crime. And as you've aptly pointed out, she always had a choice. She made a poor one and is still doing it.

 

We'd talk on the phone..we'd talk on facebook...and soon, I was talking to the bestie more than my husband was.

 

The husband could have immediately put a stop to this by saying "I don't like you are spending so much time with X. Its inappropriate and yes, I am jealous"

 

bestie was in my phone as "El Hubbo Numero Dos - husband no.2"

 

I don't know if her husband knew this but if he then he should have reacted strongly.

 

At this time,my husband had withdrawn from our marriage. He was "here" but not "here" he was caught up in video games, (at 40 years old mind you) we barely spoke, touched, and sex was virtually non-existent.

 

Big problems in the marriage. I can't imagine not doing my wife when she is wanting it so much.

 

I KNEW my feelings for bestie were borderline inappropriate. I told my hub didn't think it would end well for any of us.

 

still no action from her husband.

 

my husband asked me what I thought about having him to move in with us. Every single time he brought it up, I shot it down. I waved every red flag I could wave..until finally, I surrendered and agreed.

 

What more could she have done to make her husband understand?

 

Husband and I were on a bowling league, . husband sent bestie in his place twice. Bestie would grocery shop with me...cook with me, help with chores.

 

I can't ever imagine saying to my best friend. "Will you take my wife to shopping because I can't?"

 

and it was as if my husband was fine with it.

 

Is he even a man?

 

Husband then leaves to go on a hunting trip for a week, and leaves us alone together in our home.

 

I can only imagine what two naughty kids would do in this situation. Hell, if I was the friend I wouldn't even miss this chance to bang the wife.

 

 

 

Sorry, can't feel any sympathy for the husband. He brought it all on himself.

[HurtOfGlass]

Cut the woman some slack. Maybe if you guys stop hounding, she will come back. I know how people can hound here from their moral high grounds.

[sandylee1]

OP

 

I have to say when I read your story it sounded like your husband was trying to push the two of you together. I even wondered if it was a plan between that they were both in on. In spite of your protests, he kept pushing it. I wonder why.

 

I certainly would not be inviting a gf into my home and leaving her with my H alone so often. Then having her take my place on a bowling team or anything similar. I do trust him, but that is just asking for trouble and I like to be real about these things.

 

You are not a monster, but you really need to be honest now. Is this man worth the shame, the hurting your children, your parents, in laws and everyone else? Because whilst a marriage is between two people, a whole number of people get hurt when a marriage ends.

Are you prepared to live with the stigma of not just cheating, but with your H's best friend?

 

Is there any chance of saving your marriage? If there is none at all, then you will have to be truthful to your H. If there is MC is recommended.

 

Do remember that a lot of people here speak from personal experience as a betrayed spouse and they view cheaters with some contempt. Try not to take it personally.

 

I wish you well.

[Ralph79]

Sorry, can't feel any sympathy for the husband. He brought it all on himself.

 

If your parents are killed by their neighbors, then rob them of all of their belongings, would you be ok if someone said:

 

"Sorry, can't feel any sympathy for the them. They brought it all on themselves for inviting them in, showing them the inside of the house, and not being armed and ready to shoot them".

 

I doubt it.

 

The guy trusted his BEST FRIEND. Not some random stranger. The H works so he knew he couldn't be there for his best friend when he needed support, so he trusted HIS WIFE to help his BEST FRIEND to support him. Why would that mean he should expect them to F.... behind his back?

[BlueIris]

They're bound to be hurt anyway. The guy that was sharing their breakfast table is 50% the reason why their family is broken. What could be more humiliating?

 

I don't advocate exacerbating a problem on the theory that they're going to hurt anyway. Most parents want to minimize their children's pain.

[Mr. Lucky]

Shortly after meeting my husband, I was introduced to his best friend, who was home from Iraq on R&R. We too hit it off, and became instant buddies. It was great. We became very close, but never crossed any lines, emotional, or physical. Once back on American soil, he was stationed in Texas. Hubby and I flew out there on several occasions to visit..the three of us partying it up..having the time of our lives. The best friend (by now both my husband's AND mine) would visit us in Chicago..we'd all hang out several times a year.

 

OP, you don't have friends of your own ???

 

You met this guy a couple of times, visited him with your H and now he's your BFF?

 

On some level, seems you made a calculated decision to keep this guy close just in case. Giving you the benefit of the doubt, it may not even have been done consciously. But it's unconscionable that you'd continue playing both ends against the middle after you agreed you'd go NC - twice!

 

You sound like a good person. But you story is proof that even good people do some terribly selfish things. Every action you've taken seems determined to purchase your happiness at the cost of everyone else's heartbreak and misery.

 

Look around you. Husband, friend, kids - anyone undamaged by this? How about you - happy?

 

Glad you're seeing a therapist, lots of work to do. Not many happy endings here...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Biere123]

See that's the problem. Husband neglects wife, wife is unhappy, instead of divorcing, she escapes the reality with the affair. Certainly happened in my marriage. I don't blame her.

[Eighemy]

As I sit here reading the responses to my post. I realize that there needs to be some clarification here. Allow me to remind you that not all situations are the same. Your statistics and percentages mean absolutely nothing to me. While many of you can relate, to one side of this story or another I feel the need to remind you that this situation is unique to me and my family. I knew when I posted there was a chance I'd get bashed. I'm ok with it. You are all entitled to your opinions..and believe it or not, I actually appreciate the input. Both the good and the bad. It allows me to see the situation through many different points of views. And that is extremely helpful. However. If we could keep the name calling and absolute assumptions to ourselves I think it would best serve everyone participating in this discussion.

 

Now, please allow me to clear some things up;

 

My husband and I do not have any biological children together. He has kids that live in another state, my children live with us. (their father is very present in their lives as well) While I have not told them all of the details, they are aware of the situation. They are in their late teens, and they are very smart extremely perceptive teenagers. I have raised my kids with their eyes wide open. They know that above all else, I do have their best interests in mind. My parenting is not at question here. I am a great mother, and not the monster that some of you have painted me to be. I am the lady you see at school functions, your neighbor..your friend. I am college educated. Employed. In therapy working on why I do the things I do. Working on becoming a better version of my authentic self. I don't BS. I never have. I am not disrespectful .. but I do speak my mind. Not one single person in my life is in the dark about where I am, or where I have been.

 

I am not leaving to be with the OM. I am leaving because my marriage is over, and has been over. Prior to OM moving in, I begged my husband to come back to me. He checked out...not just of our marriage, but out of his life as well. I asked him to go to therapy with me. He refused.

 

As far as my financial situation goes.. I am staying because I don't have the means to afford the home that we live in together, and neither can he. I'm not leading him on. I am not telling him I am staying with him so he can support me. He doesn't support my children financially, their father and I do. He has never helped me parent my children. I am not staying to take advantage of my husband. I am staying and HE is staying because in this moment, neither of us have a choice. Neither of have turned cold or ugly toward each other. The lines of communication are open... but as usual, he is refusing to utilize that openness. I have not lied to him about anything here. I have been open, and honest. Even as I was leaving to meet OM at the hotel, I didn't try to cover it up. How do you think he found me? I have met his questions with brutal honesty about what led us to where we are today. We are both to blame for the breakdown of our marriage. My guilt has always been an issue for me. I have stayed in unhealthy situations in my past due to guilt. Due to looking out for everyone BUT me. How does this situation make me a monster? When I reached out to him so many times.

 

We have been living separate lives under the same roof for well over a year. I do everything here. I solely take care of the house, the yard, the kids, the animals, you name it. I go to social events on my own. I go out with friends on my own. I play co-ed sports on my own. Not because I didn't want my husband there. God, That is ALL I wanted. I did it alone because I haven't had a partner...and I refuse to stop living my life because he stopped living his.

 

I have made mistakes and I am taking responsibility and handling this the best that I can.

 

How is that I am in "an affair fog" when I have loved OM for so long? Not a love where I pined for him..or even had romantic thoughts. I cared for him as my best friend. There is and has been a mutual respect for one and other and for my husband until 3 months ago. When my husband moved him in despite my objections. Our relationship, however illicit has come to be, is based on a solid friendship. I don't know what our future holds. I know that above all else we will remain friends.

 

I plan to live on my own, with my children. I have a huge support system with whom I have also been open and honest with. I told everyone this was happening. Including my husband.

 

As far as OM's PTSD. He has a handle on things. He is very active in the veteran community. He continues to go to therapy and started a group for vets in the town he lives in. Someone suggested that I wouldn't be able to handle him should he have an "episode" .. my love for him is unconditional, and I would never EVER turn my back on him for something he endured while fighting for our country. For one to suggest that I turn my back because of that reason is ridiculous. I don't walk away from friends in need. He didn't want any of this to happen either. We didn't plan this. We didn't sit around and laugh about this...or even relish in our new found relationship. We didn't celebrate it. We tried to stop it. He walked away and gave me space when I asked for it, and does to this day.

[Biere123]

I totally agree for what it's worth. The breakdown of the marriage over a period of time, because he doesn't care. Then all of a sudden, **** hits the fan, and he doesn't want to lose the life he has. It probably could have been handled differently...how do you explain the cheating? What do you plan on telling people?

[Janesays]

My prior advice still stands: divorce your husband. He can and will find better.

 

As for you...karma comes for us all. When it comes for you, remember this moment and prepare to do your penance.

Edited February 11, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Removed response

[HereNorThere]

Someone suggested that I wouldn't be able to handle him should he have an "episode" .. my love for him is unconditional, and I would never EVER turn my back on him for something he endured while fighting for our country.

 

That is, unless you decide to cheat again with one of his best friends. I don't think you're the poster child for loyalty in this situation.

[Eighemy]

OP, did anyone in your life know what was happening with the OM while it was going on? Did you confide in anyone?

 

Yes. I confided in several people. Talked for hours with family and friends. Still am. Nobody was thrilled to hear my marriage was ending. But they did understand...as each of them had "stood in" for my husband on different occasions.

Edited February 10, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Quote tags

[Eighemy]

I have already told people. I effed up. I'm not hiding.

[Clay]

I really don't get it. Why are you wasting your time even talking about this. If this new OM is so great why haven't you just left yet?

 

Its clear you don't know what marriage really is or vows even are. So why not just divorce and move on. Go live a wonderful life with him.

[Sub]

OP, bare with me, as I'm a little confused. Your first post made it seem like you've been less than upfront with your H to soften the blow. Now it seems as if you're saying he knows what your plans are. Even in this latest post, you go from leaving to staying in a matter of a paragraph. Am I missing something?

[Ralph79]

I'm not a man of the world and I never claimed to be one. I simply share my thoughts like any other poster, and I understand that my opinion is going to be different than others.

 

Thank you for thinking highly of my posts.

 

You have very valid points, but to conclude that it's all his fault because of them is as absurd as claiming 2+2=5.

 

I simply disagree with your final assessment but I agree with most of your observations.

 

What she did was dishonest. What the friend did was dishonest. What the husband did was wrong. There is a difference. It's all ultimately a matter of choice. If my best friend (or anyone in my case) leaves their wallet in my car with money inside, I will not steal from it. It's my choice. Just as it was their choice to do things the proper way if they were so "in love".

 

That's just all I'm trying to tell you.

Edited February 11, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Removed quoted portion that was deleted and a personal attack.

[Ralph79]

How is that I am in "an affair fog" when I have loved OM for so long?

 

You know it's True Love when someone brings out the best in you. Not the worst.

 

There was a way to do this properly if you really were "In-love" with your best friend. You and him ignored it, knowing your Husband would be devastated by your actions. I'm specially disappointed in your best friend because he knew what betrayal is like. You brought out the worst in each other.

[Robert]

Thread under moderation review................

 

Update.........thread will be opened back up; however, this OP isn't the person who did YOU wrong nor is the person who took YOUR spouse away. In the case that some people don't want to click on a link.........here's the guideline:

 

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In this context........we can move forward. Thank you.

Edited February 11, 2015 by Robert

[Eighemy]

I went back and reread my original post. I'm not sure how I have changed my story? I merely offered a little more detail in my post about clarification. Obviously there is much, much more to this story.

[whichwayisup]

All I can say is, get a divorce as quickly and painlessly as possible, for your (ex)husband's sake. His whole world has been turned upside, double betrayal runs deep and the two people he thought he could 100% trust, stabbed in him the heart. I'm not saying that to make you feel worse than you already do, but that is the reality you're dealing with, even if he seems OK right now. He isn't. His pride more than likely is preventing him to show you what he is feeling inside.

 

As for the best friend OM - Take your time- don't rush into moving in with him and having your kids accept him as a new step dad. He has his own issues, just like you have yours. Keep it casual and date in a proper way, don't rush to move in and get married.

[Ralph79]

I went back and reread my original post. I'm not sure how I have changed my story? I merely offered a little more detail in my post about clarification. Obviously there is much, much more to this story.

 

I think the basic core idea changed when you typed this in on your 2nd post:

 

"I have been open, and honest. Even as I was leaving to meet OM at the hotel, I didn't try to cover it up. How do you think he found me? I have met his questions with brutal honesty about what led us to where we are today."

 

As opposed to these details on the first:

 

"I came home, and began to lead a full on double life."

 

"Two days ago, my husband knocked on the door of the hotel room that I was sharing with his best friend.

I answered it..

and our lives changed forever."

I was left under the impression that he didn't expect you to find you there with his best friend. Maybe that wasn't the idea you were trying to convey in your opening statement. But if your intention was to break the news to him that you were having an affair by literally showing him, then that was poor judgement in my opinion.

[Sub]

Not really changing the story. I think the timing and layers seemed to get jumbled. As Ralph said, it felt like more of a secret the first reading. The tone seemed to switch, too. From being kind of a mess emotionally to being very secure.

 

Just my two cents: as another poster said, I think your feelings for the OM probably skewed your opinion of your H over time. Not to say he wasn't responsible for some of the issues in your M, but the OM being in the picture definitely hurt his chances. I think the OM has some serious boundary issues. Your H shouldn't have invited him into your home. But the OM really took advantage, and he should have declined the invitation, knowing what he knew about your relationship. There was probably an opportunity for you to have a talk with the OM at that point as well. Sending up "red flags" about it definitely wasn't enough. You obviously care about the guy. I'm just having a hard time finding the appeal in someone like that. Based on the story, I have to wonder: if his W didn't cheat on him and he wasn't a vet with PTSD, would you feel as strongly about him? Not pity, but there's definitely something endearing about a "survivor". And how does a 40-year old man who plays too many video games compete with that?

[Oberfeldwebel]

After reading your original post I get the impression that you are trying to justify your actions. Additional you seem to want to transfer the blame for the failure of your marriage on your husband. This seems unfair since we don’t get to hear his side of the story. If you had left your husband, divorced and then began a physical relationship with the OM, then there would really be no issue here. However, that is not what happened. Still the bottom line is you don’t love your husband.

 

Staying for guilt is nonproductive as all it will do is prolong his pain and not be good for the children to be in that type of environment. I believe that most relationships can be saved, if both parties work to fix the problems. Personally, I recommend that you go no contact with the other man and get into counseling and see if this relationship can’t be fixed. I understand you recommended this course at one time and he blew you off. Those actions were wrong and inconsiderate on his part, but then so was infidelity on yours.

 

If you don’t desire to fix the marriage then I recommend that you develop an exit strategy and execute it swiftly and decisively. He is not going to be happy unless you stay, which makes you unhappy. Just pull off the Band-Aid and move on with life. Regardless, I recommend a sabbatical from the OM. Spend time looking at the failed marriage and what you could have done differently, so as not to repeat the errors in the next relationship.