I'm in love with my husband's best friend

[road]

They cheat with you they will cheat on you.

 

 

You will never be able to be able to sort our the mess you made with your BH unless you go NC.

 

 

As to when you said you did not want the OM moving in. Why did you leave out the part that it was a bad idea because you wanted to bang his friend /OM non stop?

[Sub]

Maybe people here are all role models of integrity who has not done a single wrong thing in their life. So its all black and white for them. Good.

 

I hate this line of reasoning. OP's actions aren't beyond critique because the rest of us aren't saints. Plus, this isn't a garden variety "mistake". I think she could use some support. I think she at least sees some of the error in her ways. But she's sleeping with her H's best friend. She doesn't need to be coddled.

 

Eighemy, you had said that you've found yourself in these situations because you look out for everyone but yourself. Is it possible that you're repeating the cycle here with the OM? I understand there's the friendship, but think about it: You've now been through two (I'm assuming you were married previously) failed M's. And while you're saying the right words about leaving for yourself, you're simultaneously ready to start a life with a man whose many personal traumas you've been privy to. I'm sure you've spent a lot of time looking out for him and his recovery from all of these things, as a friend.

[HurtOfGlass]

Your statement that you would be all over the woman whether she was married or not does you a disservice. Are you not in control of yourself? Could you not control your base instincts enough to avoid betraying your best friend with his wife? People may need more boundaries in life but they also need more self-control.

 

For starters I would not take up residence in my best friends marital home. Thats because of my self respect. I don't want to be viewed as an object of pity. There. Thats the root. Boundary put in place at the very beginning.

 

And I don't think my best friend would offer me residence unless I was rendered homeless due to circumstances. And even if I was given residence, I doubt I would given so much leeway where I was free to engage with his wife so freely.

[Confused48]

I don't know about others but I can only speak for myself. If I was reeling from so less affection that I felt my marriage was slipping away and wife didn't care, I would act out the same way. In this situation I will be all over the woman regardless of whether I am married or she is married.

 

Hurt, I think this is very telling with respect to why you don't understand the tragedy of the OP. You are in the mind set of "There, but for the grace of god, go I." A Western saying. It means you can put yourself in the shoes of the offender. You can imagine her temptation. You see yourself vulnerable in the same way with the same failings. All good but then you begin sympathizing with her blame shifting and justifications. Not so good.

 

I don't fault you for this. It shows empathy. I'm as guilty, of taking empathy too far myself, as anyone is. Even with my own WS at first. It would be more helpful to the OP though if you could look at this more objectively. It does no one any good to deny the truth.

 

Just curious Hurt, did you ever have any empathy for your ex? Did you ever think with respect to what she did, you might have done the same, in the same circumstances?

[Ralph79]

If people only want to give her TOUGH LOVE, well continue. I guess she will not bother to read your feedback.

 

I knew when I posted there was a chance I'd get bashed. I'm ok with it. You are all entitled to your opinions..and believe it or not, I actually appreciate the input. Both the good and the bad.

 

I think she has bothered to read all posts, including the "tough love" ones, and appreciated all feedback. Yours, mine and every other posters. I agree that we shouldn't bash her. There are respectful ways to convey a disagreement. While some posters did cross the line (thus one of the reasons this thread was moderated), there are a lot that have been respectful in stating their opinion.

 

Husband then leaves to go on a hunting trip for a week, and leaves us alone together in our home.

 

I don't know about others but I can only speak for myself. If I was reeling from so less affection that I felt my marriage was slipping away and wife didn't care, I would act out the same way.

 

Two words. Circumstance and Context.

 

We don't know either. Let me explain.

 

This could have been a scenario that played out like this:

 

A) He has gone on yearly hunting trips every year as a tradition (people with hunting gear usually do) and only this year SHE refused to go with him to stay at home with the friend.

B) He loves hunting, she hates it, thus they don't go together and it's something in the past that has never been an issue or a reason to commit infidelity.

C) He went out with drinking gaming buddies to go hunting out of the blue. Told her she can't go, and has to stay at home to take care of their best friend while he's out partying all weekend.

 

My point is, we don't know how it happened. We have very long story detailing the circumstances behind her affair, but we have no details about the Husbands actions, other than he did them. As I stated, my advice is for the OP, not the Husband or the "Friend". Having said that, going on a hunting trip for the weekend is not enough of a motive to trigger the affair.

 

I respect your opinions. I think that is the whole point of these boards. The OP has a wide range of viewpoints to formulate ideas from and appreciates all of them. But ask yourself if you're not automatically assuming too much against the Husband based on the lack of more information regarding why he did the things he did.

 

Let's not forget they are going to counseling now. We are beyond pointing fingers now. We should focus on helping OP deal with her current choices in an honorable way.

[BetrayedH]

For starters I would not take up residence in my best friends marital home. Thats because of my self respect. I don't want to be viewed as an object of pity. There. Thats the root. Boundary put in place at the very beginning.

 

And I don't think my best friend would offer me residence unless I was rendered homeless due to circumstances. And even if I was given residence, I doubt I would given so much leeway where I was free to engage with his wife so freely.

 

I agree and I credit you for having boundaries in place to help prevent putting yourself in front of temptation. That said, it is not the husband's "fault" if the wife chose to go outside of the marriage.

 

Is it your fault that your fiance had an affair? Should you have kept her away from other men? Or did she ultimately own the choice to betray you?

[HurtOfGlass]

Just curious Hurt, did you ever have any empathy for your ex? Did you ever think with respect to what she did, you might have done the same, in the same circumstances?

 

Read my last response in my thread.

[HurtOfGlass]

This could have been a scenario that played out like this:

 

A) He has gone on yearly hunting trips every year as a tradition (people with hunting gear usually do) and only this year SHE refused to go with him to stay at home with the friend.

B) He loves hunting, she hates it, thus they don't go together and it's something in the past that has never been an issue or a reason to commit infidelity.

C) He went out with drinking gaming buddies to go hunting out of the blue. Told her she can't go, and has to stay at home to take care of their best friend while he's out partying all weekend.

 

If he really wanted to cheer up his friend and help him in his misery, he should have taken him with him. A bit of company always helps. This is how you kill two birds with one stone - you help you friend in feeling better and you stop your wife from having sex with your friend.

[Eighemy]

Why are you making effort with a man you don't love?

 

It looks like you're trying to deceive him further by staying and working on the marriage...

 

If you work on the marriage - do you intend to never, ever communicate with your OM again?

 

Yes. I have initiated NC with OM. As of this morning. I've blocked his numbers on my cell, blocked him from emails & FB.

 

I can't even describe how much this forum has helped me. I'm not saying everything is peachy and my husband and I are now going to live happily ever after. Not even close. However, we are going to see a therapist, I am firm in my decision to not talk to OM. Whatever happens now, is between my husband and myself. I will deal with the consequences of my actions as they come. I have realized with the help of many of you, that I can not move forward in any way...with OM still in the picture.

 

Last night, I asked OM if he felt bad for what we did to my husband. He said no. That was all I needed to hear to cut him loose. I'm not going to waiver, I'm not going backwards. It's forward from here. Either with my husband or without.

[Sub]

If he really wanted to cheer up his friend and help him in his misery, he should have taken him with him. A bit of company always helps. This is how you kill two birds with one stone - you help you friend in feeling better and you stop your wife from having sex with your friend.

 

I could be off-base, but I don't think it's the best idea to invite a man suffering from PTSD because of military service on a hunting trip.

 

And it's not the H's responsibility to "stop" his W from having sex with someone else. They're adults. Not children who haven't learned how to control themselves.

[beach]

Why did you need to talk to the OM last night? Did you include your husband on that conversation? Does he know you chatted with the OM?

 

 

How can you stay with you H when you've said you love the OM?

[Ralph79]

I could be off-base, but I don't think it's the best idea to invite a man suffering from PTSD because of military service on a hunting trip.

 

And it's not the H's responsibility to "stop" his W from having sex with someone else. They're adults. Not children who haven't learned how to control themselves.

 

OMG. Don't mean to undermine the seriousness of the whole thread but this is so hilarious because it's so damn true, LOL.

[Sub]

Yes. I have initiated NC with OM. As of this morning. I've blocked his numbers on my cell, blocked him from emails & FB.

 

I can't even describe how much this forum has helped me. I'm not saying everything is peachy and my husband and I are now going to live happily ever after. Not even close. However, we are going to see a therapist, I am firm in my decision to not talk to OM. Whatever happens now, is between my husband and myself. I will deal with the consequences of my actions as they come. I have realized with the help of many of you, that I can not move forward in any way...with OM still in the picture.

 

Last night, I asked OM if he felt bad for what we did to my husband. He said no. That was all I needed to hear to cut him loose. I'm not going to waiver, I'm not going backwards. It's forward from here. Either with my husband or without.

 

I have to say, I respect all of what you're saying here. Good luck to you.

[Eighemy]

Eighemy

And lastly, do you have any spiritual beliefs?

 

 

I was raised by crazy hippies which may explain some of my boundary issues.

 

I am spiritual, yes. Organized religion? No.

 

I tend to lean more toward an Eastern Religious philosophy.. I am a yogi. I meditate. I take spirituality seriously and it is a huge part of my life, Just not in the traditional christian sense.

[Ralph79]

I was raised by crazy hippies which may explain some of my boundary issues.

 

I am spiritual, yes. Organized religion? No.

 

I tend to lean more toward an Eastern Religious philosophy.. I am a yogi. I meditate. I take spirituality seriously and it is a huge part of my life, Just not in the traditional christian sense.

 

Do you share a spiritual connection with your husband?

 

As corny as a strong religious marital foundation may sound to non-believers it's actually quite important. Well at least in my opinion anyways.

 

Or do you practice different religions?

[BetrayedH]

Yes. I have initiated NC with OM. As of this morning. I've blocked his numbers on my cell, blocked him from emails & FB.

 

I can't even describe how much this forum has helped me. I'm not saying everything is peachy and my husband and I are now going to live happily ever after. Not even close. However, we are going to see a therapist, I am firm in my decision to not talk to OM. Whatever happens now, is between my husband and myself. I will deal with the consequences of my actions as they come. I have realized with the help of many of you, that I can not move forward in any way...with OM still in the picture.

 

Last night, I asked OM if he felt bad for what we did to my husband. He said no. That was all I needed to hear to cut him loose. I'm not going to waiver, I'm not going backwards. It's forward from here. Either with my husband or without.

 

I think you can be proud of what you've decided to do here. And if I had to bet, your self-pride has taken a bit of a hit lately.

 

Sometimes when we make choices that make us feel guilty, we soothe ourselves with distractions (like alchohol, drugs, or sex/affairs). It's a pretty temporary solution. The longer term solution is that you make decisions of which you can be proud and then you keep consistently making them. Given time, your self-pride has no choice but to return. I'd encourage you to keep making decisions with your head instead of your emotions. You're more likely to be proud of those decisions.

 

I'm not saying you should simply stay with your husband out of guilt and obligation. But I do think that your marriage deserves a shot without an OM waiting in the wings.

 

Some marriages can be restored. There's a ton of material out there about how to rebuild a connection. And you can get a lot of advice here about how to rebuild after an affair (which is almost an entirely different and separate undertaking but many couples manage to multi-task). At the end of the day, it'll take a huge commitment from both of you. Fortunately, you're completely in control of your half of that. It's yet to be seen if your husband also has that commitment (please be prepared for him to undergo a rollercoaster of emotions beyond the desperate side you see now) but I think you'll be proud of having made the effort. If divorce becomes the only option, you'll know.

[Eighemy]

We share very similar beliefs yes. He's not the most spiritual guy though.

[Eighemy]

I think you can be proud of what you've decided to do here. And if I had to bet, your self-pride has taken a bit of a hit lately.

 

Sometimes when we make choices that make us feel guilty, we soothe ourselves with distractions (like alchohol, drugs, or sex/affairs). It's a pretty temporary solution. The longer term solution is that you make decisions of which you can be proud and then you keep consistently making them. Given time, your self-pride has no choice but to return. I'd encourage you to keep making decisions with your head instead of your emotions. You're more likely to be proud of those decisions.

 

I'm not saying you should simply stay with your husband out of guilt and obligation. But I do think that your marriage deserves a shot without an OM waiting in the wings.

 

Some marriages can be restored. There's a ton of material out there about how to rebuild a connection. And you can get a lot of advice here about how to rebuild after an affair (which is almost an entirely different and separate undertaking but many couples manage to multi-task). At the end of the day, it'll take a huge commitment from both of you. Fortunately, you're completely in control of your half of that. It's yet to be seen if your husband also has that commitment (please be prepared for him to undergo a rollercoaster of emotions beyond the desperate side you see now) but I think you'll be proud of having made the effort. If divorce becomes the only option, you'll know.

My self pride has taken a HUGE hit. It's at an all time low. But slowly, with the right decisions, I know it will return.

 

I fully expect my husband to run through the gamut of emotions. I will do my best to meet that with understanding and compassion. We were just discussing finding some reading material to help us navigate, while he was on a break at work.

 

In the meantime , the other guy is now texting my oldest daughter's phone, asking if' I'm OK. I told her not to respond.

[BetrayedH]

I'd suggest reading the thread pinned at the top of this forum, Things That Every WS Needs to Know.

 

There's also a couple of good books: How Can I Help My Spouse Heal from My Affair by Linda McDonald and Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass.

 

I know your marital problems aren't all about the affair but taking some proactive steps can go a long way towards your husband meeting you in the middle.

[Sub]

In the meantime , the other guy is now texting my oldest daughter's phone, asking if' I'm OK. I told her not to respond.

 

That's pretty beyond the pale, IMO. Kind of low to involve the kids, no matter what kind of relationship he had with her. You haven't mentioned, but how has your H dealt with the OM? Any confrontation?

[BetrayedH]

My self pride has taken a HUGE hit. It's at an all time low. But slowly, with the right decisions, I know it will return.

 

I fully expect my husband to run through the gamut of emotions. I will do my best to meet that with understanding and compassion. We were just discussing finding some reading material to help us navigate, while he was on a break at work.

 

In the meantime , the other guy is now texting my oldest daughter's phone, asking if' I'm OK. I told her not to respond.

 

Good choices. From what I've seen, maintaining NC ('no contact') with the affair partner is the biggest struggle for wayward wives. There always seems to be one more thing that needs to be asked or said. The problem is that each time it sets your recovery back to a flat zero, especially whatever trust you may have rebuilt with your husband. Steel your resolve to keep NC. It's even advisable to try to enforce a sort of mental NC as well. Anytime you find your thoughts drifting to your affair or the AP, envision a stop sign. Force yourself to redirect your thoughts. I'd suggest redirecting them to your husband. When it happens, commit the next few minutes to him. Perhaps it's writing a nice card, planning a weekend getaway, or sending him a flirty text. Remember, the grass is greener where you water it. Some of the affair books recommend committing huge amounts of one-on-one time together. That bond can be rebuilt. But it's hard and that's the "hard work" they mean when it comes to marriage.

 

Anyway, off my soapbox. You can be proud of the decisions you made today. I hope you find a path that works for the both of you.

[Selfish]

Some things aren't worth saving. And some marriages are this way. Don't reconcile out of guilt or obligatkon. Its not worth it. Reconcile because you want your husband and you want a good marriage with him.

[truncated]

If he really wanted to cheer up his friend and help him in his misery, he should have taken him with him. A bit of company always helps. This is how you kill two birds with one stone - you help you friend in feeling better and you stop your wife from having sex with your friend.

 

 

I don't think you know what PTSD is.

 

I's a severe mental illness, often seen in soldiers due to experinces during combat. It's not a case of "the blues" that you can just cheer up from.

 

People with PTSD are at a high risk of suicide, drug/alcohol abuse, acts of agression, agorophobia, social withdrawl and isolation. The husband may have been really worried for his friend and wanted to help but didn't really know how.

 

Some men and women with it can't even look at a gun, let alone go on a hunting trip.

[Eighemy]

That's pretty beyond the pale, IMO. Kind of low to involve the kids, no matter what kind of relationship he had with her. You haven't mentioned, but how has your H dealt with the OM? Any confrontation?

No. He said he's thought about finding him and hurting though. Basically he says he is "dead to him".

We were up very late last night and talked a lot about what got us here. We talked about OM's motivations in all of this. I almost feel like we were preyed upon in a way. *and before any of you go there...I'm not putting all of the blame on the OM. Just saying that there was some form of manipulation going on there.

I think he saw we were in a weak moment. We were suffering, and instead of helping us to re build our foundation, he removed some bricks.

[HurtOfGlass]

I don't think you know what PTSD is.

 

I's a severe mental illness, often seen in soldiers due to experinces during combat. It's not a case of "the blues" that you can just cheer up from.

 

People with PTSD are at a high risk of suicide, drug/alcohol abuse, acts of agression, agorophobia, social withdrawl and isolation. The husband may have been really worried for his friend and wanted to help but didn't really know how.

 

Some men and women with it can't even look at a gun, let alone go on a hunting trip.

 

I admit I don't know anything about combat PTSD. But I still can't figure out why he will leave the guy alone with his wife for a whole week.

 

Anyways, we are past that point. Eighnemy is finally seeing the light and the fact that OM feels no compunction about sleeping with his friends' wife makes her decision to get rid of him that much easy. The more she engages with her husband, the bond between them will return.