I'm in love with my husband's best friend

[Ralph79]

My self pride has taken a HUGE hit. It's at an all time low. But slowly, with the right decisions, I know it will return.

 

I fully expect my husband to run through the gamut of emotions. I will do my best to meet that with understanding and compassion. We were just discussing finding some reading material to help us navigate, while he was on a break at work.

 

In the meantime , the other guy is now texting my oldest daughter's phone, asking if' I'm OK. I told her not to respond.

 

This has a potential to get very ugly if not handled properly. As open as you believed to be with your Husband throughout all the events leading up to the affair, you didn't provide him with the 1 tool he could have used to save your marriage: The truth. Had you been open about your growing feelings towards the best friend to your husband as soon as you professed your love to each other, many things might have been avoided.

 

I only bring this up again, because you may see him as this gaming, neglectful, uninspiring man right now (I dunno, I'm guessing), but it's important you don't make the same mistake you did before. Give him the tools he needs to try to save his marriage: once again The Truth.

 

Tell him you called the OM. Tell him what he said. Tell him he's texting your daughter. If the OM starts reaching out, your Husband needs to know. You are in this fight together and as unnecessary as you think this may be, you owe him the opportunity to face his enemy head on if the OM is still trying to engage. Regardless of the outcome of your marriage.

 

*and before any of you go there...I'm not putting all of the blame on the OM.

 

I actually thought you were doing quite the opposite to be honest (painting him as a victim).

[BetrayedH]

No. He said he's thought about finding him and hurting though. Basically he says he is "dead to him".

We were up very late last night and talked a lot about what got us here. We talked about OM's motivations in all of this. I almost feel like we were preyed upon in a way. *and before any of you go there...I'm not putting all of the blame on the OM. Just saying that there was some form of manipulation going on there.

I think he saw we were in a weak moment. We were suffering, and instead of helping us to re build our foundation, he removed some bricks.

 

The fact that he feels no guilt is honestly very telling.

 

If I had to guess, this guy is pissed off at the world. He lost his wife to an affair and then became disabled. He probably thinks he deserves better and if the world is such a terrible place, he's going to join them. After my wife's affair, I was in a similar spot. I was jealous and tired of losing as the nice guy. My point is that he's not in a good place mentally and you can throw in some PTS for gokd measure. He's making some really crappy decisions. If he has so little empathy for your H (somebody that was really trying to do him a solid), I can only wonder when you might be similarly disposed of. I think he's got some issues to work through before he's really a healthy partner for anyone.

[Selfish]

Whether you have been touched by infidelity or not the husband and wife had a lot of bad boundaries that everyone should avoid. My husband learned that the hard way too. Comparing a wife to a wallet is foolish. If you knew your friend struggled with kleptomania you wouldn't leave your wallet out. If you kne your best friend and wife were human beings with a desire for sex you wouldn't be okay with them being alone that much. Never a good idea no matter the "trust" or arrogence that your too awesome to be cheated on.

 

Do I think he deserved this? No. And I feel terrible for him. But setting up boundaries does not mean you view your spouse as a possession. (How offensive was that comment) it means that you acknowldege anyone can be cheated on and boundaries are needed!

 

Unfortunatly this guy learned it a little late. And I am sure he is regretting it.

 

And OP, you are still responsible for your part. Yes it was a slippery slope but you still made choices every step of the way. I disagree strongly with you offering reconciliation. This wasn't a short little blip. It was years of damage. And I am pretty sure you are only doing so out of guilt.

 

And no i don't think you should run to OM either.

[HurtOfGlass]

If I had to guess, this guy is pissed off at the world. He lost his wife to an affair and then became disabled. He probably thinks he deserves better and if the world is such a terrible place, he's going to join them.

 

Just like me. When I found out my GF cheated on me, I went out of control You all know my story.

[BetrayedH]

I disagree strongly with you offering reconciliation. This wasn't a short little blip. It was years of damage. And I am pretty sure you are only doing so out of guilt.

 

And no i don't think you should run to OM either.

 

I didn't read about years of damage. The OP was actually quite flattering of her H early in her original post. And she only mentions that her husband was withdrawn from the marriage when conversations began about moving the friend in (which she said was October). That's not even six months ago. I also noted that besides a dying sex life (for which I feel much empathy) and his use of video games, we're not talking about a lot of dealbreaker offenses here (like infidelity, abuse, etc). Hell, some hysterical bonding might do wonders here.

 

I think it's fair for her to see if something can be rebuilt but I agree with you that if it's only guilt and obligation at the end of their efforts, they should move on separately.

[Sub]

We talked about OM's motivations in all of this. I almost feel like we were preyed upon in a way. *and before any of you go there...I'm not putting all of the blame on the OM. Just saying that there was some form of manipulation going on there.

I think he saw we were in a weak moment. We were suffering, and instead of helping us to re build our foundation, he removed some bricks.

 

I can relate to this. My WW and I were responsible for the state of our M, where it was at the time her A started. But it was a perfect storm of sorts that occurred. The OM was a long-time friend that she made the mistake of confiding in. In the beginning, he operated under the guise of actually trying to help her with what was going on with us. Time goes by, they get close, they cross the line, and that was that. He revealed he had feelings for her from before we were married. After his own M had failed, he saw an opportunity and he took it. Like you said, not to blame him. But he's responsible for his actions as well. It's like leaving the door of my house unlocked before I go to bed. I was negligent in not securing it. It doesn't make a thief less guilty for coming in a stealing from me.

[Mr. Lucky]

I almost feel like we were preyed upon in a way. *and before any of you go there...I'm not putting all of the blame on the OM. Just saying that there was some form of manipulation going on there.

I think he saw we were in a weak moment. We were suffering, and instead of helping us to re build our foundation, he removed some bricks.

 

This is at least the 3rd different spin you've put on what happened in the two days since this thread started. And what each of those somewhat contradictory approaches have in common is painting you as the victim.

 

"I waved every red flag I could wave..until finally, I surrendered and agreed"

 

"I have the right to pursue my own happiness"

 

"We didn't plan this. We didn't sit around and laugh about this...or even relish in our new found relationship. We didn't celebrate it. We tried to stop it."

 

"I was raised by crazy hippies which may explain some of my boundary issues."

 

Your pursuit of happiness has come at a steep price - to others...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Ralph79]

Whether you have been touched by infidelity or not the husband and wife had a lot of bad boundaries that everyone should avoid. My husband learned that the hard way too. Comparing a wife to a wallet is foolish. If you knew your friend struggled with kleptomania you wouldn't leave your wallet out. If you kne your best friend and wife were human beings with a desire for sex you wouldn't be okay with them being alone that much. Never a good idea no matter the "trust" or arrogence that your too awesome to be cheated on.

 

Do I think he deserved this? No. And I feel terrible for him. But setting up boundaries does not mean you view your spouse as a possession. (How offensive was that comment) it means that you acknowldege anyone can be cheated on and boundaries are needed!

 

Unfortunatly this guy learned it a little late. And I am sure he is regretting it.

 

And OP, you are still responsible for your part. Yes it was a slippery slope but you still made choices every step of the way. I disagree strongly with you offering reconciliation. This wasn't a short little blip. It was years of damage. And I am pretty sure you are only doing so out of guilt.

 

And no i don't think you should run to OM either.

 

1. I wasn't comparing a wife to a wallet. I was making an analogy of the integrity in one's choices when faced with temptation. It wasn't meant to be taken as a literal comparison.

 

2. If I knew my best friend and my wife were sex addicts with a past history, then no, of course I wouldn't leave them alone together. But these people weren't. Twisting the analogy I typed by adding the klepto element to it, is really unfair when trying to prove a point.

 

And I get what you are saying. Don't get me wrong. It is sometimes human nature to develop emotion for someone you are constantly interacting with. That is why work-place affairs are so common. But even if as you say we're all

 

human beings with a desire for sex

 

we are also supposed to be human beings with integrity and capable of reasoning to not rip our clothes off in public and start having sex because we desire it. We are not merely animals.

 

I agree with setting boundaries but you've omitted the part where the Husband felt like the third wheel and kicked the Best Friend out. There obviously came a point where the BF invited himself to more things than the Husband offered. And the Husband responded correctly. His Wife and their BF didn't.

Edited February 11, 2015 by Ralph79

[Selfish]

1. I wasn't comparing a wife to a wallet. I was making an analogy of the integrity in one's choices when faced with temptation. It wasn't meant to be taken as a literal comparison.

 

2. If I knew my best friend and my wife were sex addicts with a past history, then no, of course I wouldn't leave them alone together. But these people weren't. Twisting the analogy I typed by adding the klepto element to it, is really unfair when trying to prove a point.

 

And I get what you are saying. Don't get me wrong. It is sometimes human nature to develop emotion for someone you are constantly interacting with. That is why work-place affairs are so common. But even if as you say we're all

 

 

 

we are also supposed to be human beings with integrity and capable of reasoning to not rip our clothes off in public and start having sex because we desire it. We are not merely animals.

 

I agree with setting boundaries but you've omitted the part where the Husband felt like the third wheel and kicked the Best Friend out. There obviously came a point where the BF invited himself to more things than the Husband offered. And the Husband responded correctly. His Wife and their BF didn't.

 

I didn't miss that part but it was a little too late. Honestly, i don't think her husband's mistake in bringing the friend into the home and allowing the close friendship should be downplayed. Not because of he rand relieving her guilt. She made her own choices. But for the people who find themselves in a similar situation. To let them know that this sort of arrangement is not okay. And that level of trust is not somethinf anyone should have.

 

A wallet is an inatimate object. It doesn't choose to be stolen. Nor does it speak or form emotions. How about laying a hundred dollars that you never touch on the counter for a very long period of time. Even that would be closer.

[DKT3]

Whether you have been touched by infidelity or not the husband and wife had a lot of bad boundaries that everyone should avoid. My husband learned that the hard way too. Comparing a wife to a wallet is foolish. If you knew your friend struggled with kleptomania you wouldn't leave your wallet out. If you kne your best friend and wife were human beings with a desire for sex you wouldn't be okay with them being alone that much. Never a good idea no matter the "trust" or arrogence that your too awesome to be cheated on.

 

Do I think he deserved this? No. And I feel terrible for him. But setting up boundaries does not mean you view your spouse as a possession. (How offensive was that comment) it means that you acknowldege anyone can be cheated on and boundaries are needed!

 

Unfortunatly this guy learned it a little late. And I am sure he is regretting it.

 

And OP, you are still responsible for your part. Yes it was a slippery slope but you still made choices every step of the way. I disagree strongly with you offering reconciliation. This wasn't a short little blip. It was years of damage. And I am pretty sure you are only doing so out of guilt.

 

And no i don't think you should run to OM either.

 

 

Comments like this it shocks me that BH is still around.

 

OP, your husband played a role in whatever shape your marriage was in. He played no role in your affair. It doesn't matter if he moved 10 of the 50 hottest guys on earth into your home, your affair was 100% on you. I'm telling you as a betrayed husband, don't allow another WW to direct your way of thinking toward blaming him for your affair in any way. Not many will accept it.

 

As far as staying out of guilt, well I'm guessing you really don't know what you feel. If your able to maintain NC with OM for a while it will become more clear one way or the other, as long as you don't fear facing what your actions have caused, and run from the fear and shame of facing the pain.

[aliveagain]

You need to take the time to find out what is going on within you before you hurt more people by starting a new relationship. How many marriages will it take to find happiness? Why in hell would you think bringing a predatory third person and best friend of your husband into a secret relationship with you a good thing for your marriage? "My kids want me to be happy", what did you expect them to say when they find out their biological mom is banging stepdad's best friend? What a brutal thing to do to a spouse, actually telling him what hotel you and his former best friend are going to be at. If he didn't care about you do you think he or any man would be knocking on the door his wife and his former best friend are having porn sex in. Do you have any idea how hard that image will be for him to get out of his head. You made him crawl to you and beg you to come home, a husband who is not in love with his wife would never humiliate himself that way.

 

You need to shake the fuzz from your head and breath in some reality. You just showed everyone in your world the kind of person you really are. If you want respect from them you better do a whole lot of work on yourself first. What you showed your children has nothing to do with love but more to do with being selfish, just my opinion. Your post says very little about the pain your husband has had to endure all those months or years watching you pursue his best friend.

[thummper]

My self pride has taken a HUGE hit. It's at an all time low. But slowly, with the right decisions, I know it will return.

 

I fully expect my husband to run through the gamut of emotions. I will do my best to meet that with understanding and compassion. We were just discussing finding some reading material to help us navigate, while he was on a break at work.

 

In the meantime , the other guy is now texting my oldest daughter's phone, asking if' I'm OK. I told her not to respond.

 

 

 

Of course he's texting. He's desperate that he might lose his steady piece. I say "might lose" because I don't for a minute think you're going to permanently give this guy up. I hope I'm wrong for your husband's sake, but based on your first post your blinding infatuation with the OM is not something you're going to give up totally.

[Ralph79]

I didn't miss that part but it was a little too late. Honestly, i don't think her husband's mistake in bringing the friend into the home and allowing the close friendship should be downplayed. Not because of he rand relieving her guilt. She made her own choices. But for the people who find themselves in a similar situation. To let them know that this sort of arrangement is not okay. And that level of trust is not somethinf anyone should have.

 

A wallet is an inatimate object. It doesn't choose to be stolen. Nor does it speak or form emotions. How about laying a hundred dollars that you never touch on the counter for a very long period of time. Even that would be closer.

 

You know. I'll concede that my analogy was incomplete. You are right. A wallet has no feelings or say in the matter of being stolen or not. I wasn't even the person leaving the wallet behind in my analogy, so we're looking at 2 different analogies. But you are right, bad example on my part.

 

My basic message is this, wallet or no wallet, inanimate or otherwise, I do not take what does not belong to me. I do not covet my neighbor's wife. And the people I choose as friends, my peers, specially my BEST FRIEND, my BROTHER for all practical purposes, are like minded. I trust him with my life if need be. And I will hold him to the same high standards I chose to live by. I expect him to honor the same principles I do, otherwise he will not be a part of my life. Now, this was his best friend even before meeting his wife.

 

And in regards to being too little or too late, I don't know that. It got to the point where he HAD to bring himself to kick his best friend out of his house near Christmas.

 

Now how do you suppose the Husband goes from aiding to kicking his best friend out in a manner of months? I'm pretty sure he more than started setting boundaries which his best friend chose to ignore, long before it was too late, as admitted by the OP:

 

Just saying that there was some form of manipulation going on there.

I think he saw we were in a weak moment. We were suffering, and instead of helping us to re build our foundation, he removed some bricks.

 

She simply caved into temptation.

 

Don't get me wrong. I see your point. One should never delegate marital chores, but not for the reasons you proclaim. He simply welcomed his best friend to his home, he didn't ask him to pleasure his wife.

[Chi townD]

Last night, I asked OM if he felt bad for what we did to my husband. He said no. That was all I needed to hear to cut him loose. I'm not going to waiver, I'm not going backwards. It's forward from here. Either with my husband or without.

 

 

 

Okay, I've had a day to calm down from this. But, this quote should tell you how the OM really felt about your husband, you, your family and your marriage. He didn't give a damn. He was in it for his own selfish wants and needs and you fell right in line with that.

 

 

A few things are going to happen with your husband and you need to be on the lookout or, at least, understand what he WILL go through. Right now, he's in shock. That shock will wear off and then he's going for a ride. It's called the rollercoaster of emotions. It's and actual thing. One minute, he'll be laughing, the next minute he'll be crying. One minute he'll be happy, the next minute, he'll be angry as hell. One minute He'll tell you that he loves you and can't see a life without you, the next minute he'll say that he can't stand you and the site of you makes him sick. LOTS of ups and downs. And no one knows how long he's going to be on this rollercoaster. But, my question is to you. Are you strong enough to ride this out with him?

 

 

He may or may not want to have sex with you and A LOT OF IT! If this happens, LET IT HAPPEN. This is called hysterical bonding. Just take it for what it is. This is nothing more than a subconscious, primal and animalistic response from him to "reclaim" what he believes is his. This is NOT an act of forgiveness on his part. So, don't take it as such. But, I strongly encourage you to allow him to have sex with you because rejection from you at this point would be brutal.

 

 

He may or may not ask a lot of questions on what happened behind closed doors. Some ask and some don't want to know. But, if he asks then you HAVE to be completely honest with him because he might be suffering with something called "mind movies". When someone is suffering from mind movies it's because they don't have a clear picture as to what happened. There's gaps of data missing in his brain. So, your mind starts to fill those gaps with these "movies" in order to complete the missing data. And sometimes these movies are worse than what actually happened. So, if he asks questions you need to answer them honestly. Even if you KNOW it will hurt him to hear it. He's going to need the truth. And if your not honest with him and he learns that you weren't truthful with him, then it's D-Day all over again and any healing that has occurred is out the window and your back at square one. And he may ask you the same question over and over and over again till it starts to drive you batty. Answer him anyway and don't get mad at him for asking AGAIN. You caused this, so you have to try and be understanding that he having a hard time coming to terms with this.

 

 

If you are being honest with us about trying to reconcile your marriage, then YOU need to do the heavy lifting. He has no reason to trust you, so anything you say he has no reason to believe. Therefore, your words mean nothing to him right now. Therefore, your actions need to do the talking for you. He need to SEE an effort from you to try to reconcile from this. Not HEAR it. He needs to SEE you reading books on the matter. Like, Surviving the Affair or Not Just a Friend. He needs to SEE you being active in Marriage Counseling and in Individual Counseling and applying what you learn 100% of the time. He needs to SEE little things you do for him to show him that you love him. Whether that cooking him his favorite meal or leaving him little notes for him to find and read. Or scheduling a get away weekend at Lake Geneva to try and reconnect with him.

 

 

Even with your quote, your last sentence stated that it was time to move on with your husband or not. That kinda tells me that you NEED to be in control of everything. That you're making the decisions around here. Well, here's the rub. You were in the driver seat when you had your affair. You had total control over that. Now, your husband is in the driver's seat as far as where this marriage is going. You have no control over that. So, you need to stop trying to control the situation, to be humble and put in the work and see where the cards fall.

 

 

You have to look at your marriage as if the two of you were building a house. On your first date with your husband is when you poured the foundation. And you went on more dates and added more bricks to this house, and boards and shingles. And over time, it turned into a pretty nice house! Then, you had your affair and you took a wrecking ball to this house. Now, you two are standing next to the wreckage. A lot of couples look at the wreckage and say, "Nope, there's too much damage" and they walk away. BUT! Some can see past the wreckage and see that the foundation is still good. And they start to rebuild together. Brick by brick and board by board. Now, this new house is not going to look like the old one that was standing there. That house is gone and is never coming back. One's that try to recreate the old house find that it can't be done. It falls apart and they give up. But, ones that build this new house can sometimes find that this new house is even better than the old one that was there before!

 

 

So, the question is, are you ready to rebuild?

[10thengineerharrison]

As I sit here reading the responses to my post. I realize that there needs to be some clarification here.

 

I don't think so. Your very long original post was pretty clear about the situation.

 

Allow me to remind you that not all situations are the same. Your statistics and percentages mean absolutely nothing to me. While many of you can relate, to one side of this story or another I feel the need to remind you that this situation is unique to me and my family.

 

Yes. When all else fails, just remember that you are unique - just like everybody else.

 

I knew when I posted there was a chance I'd get bashed. I'm ok with it. You are all entitled to your opinions..and believe it or not, I actually appreciate the input. Both the good and the bad. It allows me to see the situation through many different points of views. And that is extremely helpful. However. If we could keep the name calling and absolute assumptions to ourselves I think it would best serve everyone participating in this discussion.

 

If you really were seeing through multiple points of view, I'd be interested in hearing your husband's.

 

Now, please allow me to clear some things up;

 

My husband and I do not have any biological children together. He has kids that live in another state, my children live with us. (their father is very present in their lives as well) While I have not told them all of the details, they are aware of the situation. They are in their late teens, and they are very smart extremely perceptive teenagers. I have raised my kids with their eyes wide open. They know that above all else, I do have their best interests in mind. My parenting is not at question here. I am a great mother, and not the monster that some of you have painted me to be. I am the lady you see at school functions, your neighbor..your friend. I am college educated. Employed. In therapy working on why I do the things I do. Working on becoming a better version of my authentic self. I don't BS. I never have. I am not disrespectful .. but I do speak my mind. Not one single person in my life is in the dark about where I am, or where I have been.

 

That was the impression I got from your original post, that your kids are from previous marriages. This is good. You can divorce with minimal collateral damage now. Which is what you should do.

 

I am not leaving to be with the OM. I am leaving because my marriage is over, and has been over. Prior to OM moving in, I begged my husband to come back to me. He checked out...not just of our marriage, but out of his life as well. I asked him to go to therapy with me. He refused.

 

This is similar to my wife's memory of her decision to have an affair and not tell me about it. Like most men, I didn't have a lot of faith in therapists, and since I didn't know about the inappropriate relationship starting behind my back, I didn't understand why my wife thought it was so important. So, in her view, I also "refused." But if you really believed at the time that your marriage was over, you would have left then. That you didn't tells me that you're rewriting your own history now to justify your poor choices.

 

As far as my financial situation goes.. I am staying because I don't have the means to afford the home that we live in together, and neither can he. I'm not leading him on. I am not telling him I am staying with him so he can support me. He doesn't support my children financially, their father and I do. He has never helped me parent my children. I am not staying to take advantage of my husband. I am staying and HE is staying because in this moment, neither of us have a choice. Neither of have turned cold or ugly toward each other. The lines of communication are open... but as usual, he is refusing to utilize that openness. I have not lied to him about anything here. I have been open, and honest. Even as I was leaving to meet OM at the hotel, I didn't try to cover it up. How do you think he found me? I have met his questions with brutal honesty about what led us to where we are today. We are both to blame for the breakdown of our marriage. My guilt has always been an issue for me. I have stayed in unhealthy situations in my past due to guilt. Due to looking out for everyone BUT me. How does this situation make me a monster? When I reached out to him so many times.

 

Your poor choice-making skills don't necessarily make you a monster, just a poor choice for your husband. Why prolong that for the illusion of security? The longer you force one another to live in this intolerable situation, the harder it's going to be to extract yourselves from it. Let each other go.

 

We have been living separate lives under the same roof for well over a year. I do everything here. I solely take care of the house, the yard, the kids, the animals, you name it. I go to social events on my own. I go out with friends on my own. I play co-ed sports on my own. Not because I didn't want my husband there. God, That is ALL I wanted. I did it alone because I haven't had a partner...and I refuse to stop living my life because he stopped living his.

 

How about judging your own choices and behaviors and leave him to judge his and make his own decisions? I don't believe a word of your characterization of him. Sorry.

 

I have made mistakes and I am taking responsibility and handling this the best that I can.

 

How is that I am in "an affair fog" when I have loved OM for so long? Not a love where I pined for him..or even had romantic thoughts. I cared for him as my best friend. There is and has been a mutual respect for one and other and for my husband until 3 months ago. When my husband moved him in despite my objections. Our relationship, however illicit has come to be, is based on a solid friendship. I don't know what our future holds. I know that above all else we will remain friends.

 

What if he decides, as I think he needs to, that he doesn't want to be your friend?

 

I plan to live on my own, with my children. I have a huge support system with whom I have also been open and honest with. I told everyone this was happening. Including my husband.

 

So why not get on with it?

 

As far as OM's PTSD. He has a handle on things. He is very active in the veteran community. He continues to go to therapy and started a group for vets in the town he lives in. Someone suggested that I wouldn't be able to handle him should he have an "episode" .. my love for him is unconditional,

 

I believe I understand what unconditional love is, and this clearly isn't it.

 

and I would never EVER turn my back on him for something he endured while fighting for our country. For one to suggest that I turn my back because of that reason is ridiculous. I don't walk away from friends in need. He didn't want any of this to happen either. We didn't plan this. We didn't sit around and laugh about this...or even relish in our new found relationship. We didn't celebrate it. We tried to stop it. He walked away and gave me space when I asked for it, and does to this day.

 

But you can't be unscrewed. The "damage", such as it is or isn't, is done. You clearly care more for the OM than your own husband. So, why not execute your plan right now, and allow the healing to start?

 

-10th Engineer Harrison

[10thengineerharrison]

My prior advice still stands: divorce your husband. He can and will find better.

 

Yes, he'd be hard-pressed to find worse.

 

-10th Engineer Harrison

[10thengineerharrison]

Do you share a spiritual connection with your husband?

 

As corny as a strong religious marital foundation may sound to non-believers it's actually quite important. Well at least in my opinion anyways.

 

Or do you practice different religions?

 

Yeah, it sounds pretty corny. Religion has no monopoly on marriage, though it certainly would like to think that's the case.

 

-10th Engineer Harrison

[10thengineerharrison]

Some things aren't worth saving. And some marriages are this way. Don't reconcile out of guilt or obligatkon. Its not worth it. Reconcile because you want your husband and you want a good marriage with him.

 

Don't forget the BH's choice in the matter, though. Considering he was the one betrayed by the affair, I would let him decide whether the marriage should be saved or not. But it is certainly important for you to be willing to do whatever it takes on your end - the heavy end.

 

-10th Engineer Harrison

[Ralph79]

Yeah, it sounds pretty corny. Religion has no monopoly on marriage, though it certainly would like to think that's the case.

 

-10th Engineer Harrison

 

I know a lot of people that find fulfillment in living according to the guidelines that their faith dictates. The joy that fulfillment brings them, gives them the strength to resist temptation. Put 2 people together who love each other that live by this principle and I will find it difficult, though not impossible for them to give into infidelity in their marriage.

 

Again, corny as hell, I know, but I believe it.

[Chi townD]

My self pride has taken a HUGE hit. It's at an all time low. But slowly, with the right decisions, I know it will return.

 

I fully expect my husband to run through the gamut of emotions. I will do my best to meet that with understanding and compassion. We were just discussing finding some reading material to help us navigate, while he was on a break at work.

 

In the meantime , the other guy is now texting my oldest daughter's phone, asking if' I'm OK. I told her not to respond.

 

 

 

And I'm going to go back to the PTSD here. The OM has it and it's not something to take lightly. You're talking about someone that has a major mental condition that was trained to kill people by the government. You really don't know his frame of mind. If he ups his game to continue to contact you or your family, you may have to get a restraining order out on him.

 

 

Just something to consider.

[Biere123]

Eighemy, how much "space" do you expect the OM to give you? How much time do you need?

[Maryme]

After reading your story, I remembered a phrase from the "Desperate Housewives": "The feeling of guilt - is the price of happiness". You can not escape it. In this situation it is important to prioritize. Don't forget that there is a huge difference between passion and love. It's said about women : we're falling in love with one person, but married to another.

[HereNorThere]

No. He said he's thought about finding him and hurting though. Basically he says he is "dead to him".

We were up very late last night and talked a lot about what got us here. We talked about OM's motivations in all of this. I almost feel like we were preyed upon in a way. *and before any of you go there...I'm not putting all of the blame on the OM. Just saying that there was some form of manipulation going on there.

I think he saw we were in a weak moment. We were suffering, and instead of helping us to re build our foundation, he removed some bricks.

 

It actually seemed hopeful that you were making progress until I read this. Ughh, look, you aren't the prey, you're the predator. You did this! No one forced you to anything and OM didn't take any vows or sign any contracts with your husband.

 

This is just part of who you and your personality. Even the blameshifting is huge red flag of who you are. This likely will never change. It seems as though you think you can just weather the storm and eventually make yourself out to be the victim. Unless your husband has major co-dependency issues, the chances of this magically going away are slim. Chances are that your entire family will suffer for the rest of their lives over this.

 

I'm going to give you the best advice on this forum. If you love someone, stay away from them. That's honestly the best thing you could do for anyone. It takes years and years of intensive therapy to get someone in your position to a healthy state. In the meantime, do you really want to ruin anymore lives?

Edited February 11, 2015 by HereNorThere

[Selfish]

There is a bery good chance that he fell in love with you and did all the self justifcations. That he was vunerable to an affair because he was broken. That he saw your husband's neglect and felt like he could fill the void.

 

Your husband wants to blame him and make you the victim and you seem to be helping him.

[Ralph79]

There is a bery good chance that he fell in love with you and did all the self justifcations. That he was vunerable to an affair because he was broken. That he saw your husband's neglect and felt like he could fill the void.

 

Your husband wants to blame him and make you the victim and you seem to be helping him.

 

There were better ways to "fill" that void. Proper steps that should have been taken before trying to relieve the Husband of his duty. If he truly was in love, he should have confronted the Husband with her consent and warned him about his intentions. Not sneak behind his back and collaborate with his wife on Cheating him.

 

Had I been in his shoes, and the love I felt was overwhelming to the point where it warranted betraying my long-life best friend, I would've first and foremost protected her honor and integrity before moving forward.

 

She's not free of culpability, but he's no victim.