I'm in love with my husband's best friend

[Selfish]

There were better ways to "fill" that void. Proper steps that should have been taken before trying to relieve the Husband of his duty. If he truly was in love, he should have confronted the Husband with her consent and warned him about his intentions. Not sneak behind his back and collaborate with his wife on Cheating him.

 

Had I been in his shoes, and the love I felt was overwhelming to the point where it warranted betraying my long-life best friend, I would've first and foremost protected her honor and integrity before moving forward.

 

She's not free of culpability, but he's no victim.

 

I didn't say he was. But her and her husband discusing him like a predator? Really? I was merely pointing out that this could also be very true if your gonna start playing that game.

 

A friend owes no more loyalty than a spouse. He is no more to blame than her. And she was the one that broke the marriage vows. It doesn't matter if her and her husband's scenario is true. She is still the cheater.

[Ralph79]

A friend owes no more loyalty than a spouse. He is no more to blame than her. And she was the one that broke the marriage vows. It doesn't matter if her and her husband's scenario is true. She is still the cheater.

 

No argument there. I will add though, that both the OP and the Vet were in a sense the BH's best friends. Only that the OP had a vow to keep on top of everything else. On the flip side, the Vet knew how hard being Cheated on hurts. He knew better, from firsthand experience. So I think he's trash because of that.

 

I reserve my opinion about the OP because she's trying to fix things and at least there's some remorse. And the nature of their talks are going to fluctuate wildly. Right now it's predator him, next week could be "how could you".

 

I honestly think the BH is acting irrationally right now because he saw how determined the OP was about leaving him. Had she reacted scared and pleading for forgiveness, the BH might have a different attitude.

[coryreply]

You're in my thoughts and prayers today OP. You have a crazy, uphill climb in front of you but you can work through this and come out better for it. Hang in there!

[Spectre]

Maybe people here are all role models of integrity who has not done a single wrong thing in their life. So its all black and white for them. Good.

 

Why do you feel people are "models of integrity" because they denounce cheating? Seriously, nobody is saying be perfect, they are just saying BREAK UP before you decide to boink other people. If you can't do it? Something is wrong, seriously wrong. Adults should know better, yet they seem to not know better. Unless this man said "become a huge skank and get with my best friend" then it's not his fault this happened.

[beach]

So your title says you are in love with OM.

 

How does that in love just vanish in a matter of a day or so?

[road]

Yes. I have initiated NC with OM. As of this morning. I've blocked his numbers on my cell, blocked him from emails & FB.

 

I can't even describe how much this forum has helped me. I'm not saying everything is peachy and my husband and I are now going to live happily ever after. Not even close. However, we are going to see a therapist, I am firm in my decision to not talk to OM. Whatever happens now, is between my husband and myself. I will deal with the consequences of my actions as they come. I have realized with the help of many of you, that I can not move forward in any way...with OM still in the picture.

 

Last night, I asked OM if he felt bad for what we did to my husband. He said no. That was all I needed to hear to cut him loose. I'm not going to waiver, I'm not going backwards. It's forward from here. Either with my

husband or without.

 

 

The fog is clearing. Good.

[Confused48]

Your husband wants to blame him and make you the victim and you seem to be helping him.

 

A somewhat typical progression:

 

Dday - WS and BS cling to each other.

 

Next - BS demonizes the AP and attempts to get WS to do the same. Creates distance between WS and AP, if WS agrees. If WS defends AP, end of R.

 

Next - Upon further reflection, BS realizes WS is not less of an evil actor than AP. Allows progression of the R, if WS understands and admits this too. If WS blame shifts to BS or AP, end of R.

[Chasing_mya]

Go with your heart. Do what makes you happy. Being with your husband isn't going to change anything. You already stated that you want to be with the best friend and don't feel like that for your husband anymore, so why prolong the inevitable? Take some days ALONE and ask yourself if you want to salvage your marriage. If the answer is no than start setting things up to move forward with your new life. I wouldnt jump ASAP with the bestfriend and would take things slowly. This is all a sudden shock and a big turn of events for you and the kids. If you don't mind me asking how old are they?

Edited February 12, 2015 by Chasing_mya

[TrustedthenBusted]

it's a big planet. I'll never understand why people so often find they must choose between two best friends.

[Selfish]

it's a big planet. I'll never understand why people so often find they must choose between two best friends.

 

I think this is the case of poor boundaries and too much time with someone you are attracted to. I get along really well with my husband's best friend. And he is incredibly handsome. I also knew him longer than my husband. And despite my actual affair with someone else. I know what boundaries are. And I just never sought out a friendship with him. Even cheaters can have standards. But if I was in denial or didn't believe in the slippery slope. I could have "bonded" to him in a sitatuation like the OP described.

 

Moral of the story. No one is above cheating WHEN they engage in poor boundaries. The honest people who pull themselves back when they realize they are crossing a line are the people I respect. The people who justify what can basically become an EA by saying "l'd never cheat". Those are the people who are in danger.

[Chi townD]

Well, the OP's husband is guilty of blind trust. He trusted his best friend. Probably viewed him as a brother and would NEVER in a million years suspect his best friend would betray him like that. And the same goes for the woman he fell in love with and said vows to each other at the alter in front of friends and family witnessing these promises.

[BetrayedH]

Go with your heart. Do what makes you happy. Being with your husband isn't going to change anything. You already stated that you want to be with the best friend and don't feel like that for your husband anymore, so why prolong the inevitable?

 

These kinds or posts always mystify me. When did marriage become so disposable just because you "want" to be with someone else? Do people get married thinking that it's "til death do us part, or you know, my heart tells me to take up one of my other options?"

 

This kind of thinking is what got to OP into trouble in the first place.

[Hope Shimmers]

Step down from that soap box Hope. I believe the vast majority here has advised her to go to her lover and leave her husband alone. She has made it clear throughout she isn't in love with husband, and if she could afford it she would leave. She has decided what she wants and said "I do not want to fix it".

 

Its time for her to make that move and stop using her husband because she doesn't think her and AP can make it money wise.

 

What you say is my "soap box" is my opinion, which is what we all give here on this forum. The same opinion that you freely give to people (and are entitled to). So please stop telling me what to do.

[jbrent890]

What you say is my "soap box" is my opinion, which is what we all give here on this forum. The same opinion that you freely give to people (and are entitled to). So please stop telling me what to do.

 

But Hope don't you criticize people for giving their opinions too? In another thread you called posters "narrow minded." I'm not trying to start anything, but I am pointing out the fact that you do exact same thing.

[Hope Shimmers]

But Hope don't you criticize people for giving their opinions too? In another thread you called posters "narrow minded." I'm not trying to start anything, but I am pointing out the fact that you do exact same thing.

 

Some people here are narrow-minded in that they judge without knowing all the facts. That is a fact and is the basic definition of "narrow-minded" because they can't think beyond their own situation or realize that not every situation is like theirs.

 

No one here can know the facts of these cases. We have to go on face value - what is posted. So yes, I criticize for that reason, because it is perpetually annoying and not ultimately helpful for anyone to project their own situations on those of others.

 

If you are not trying to start anything, then please let it go. My post was directed at DKT3 who for some reason targets and disagrees with everything I say. Please let's move on.

[Spectre]

I have also read many stories here. Especially in Other Woman/Man section where I feel true sympathy for the betrayed and absolute disgust for the heinousness of the waywards. But myself being a victim of infidelity, I can honestly say this is not one of them.

 

Since when is cheating on your husband with his best friend not heinous?

 

Well, the OP's husband is guilty of blind trust. He trusted his best friend. Probably viewed him as a brother and would NEVER in a million years suspect his best friend would betray him like that. And the same goes for the woman he fell in love with and said vows to each other at the alter in front of friends and family witnessing these promises.

 

I guess my problem with this logic is how is trust blind if you are trusting someone who is like a brother to you? Or someone you are married to? If someone is marrying someone, I would have to assume they earned your trust for you to marry them. Likewise, if someone has been your best friend for years, I would assume they earned your trust over that time. Blind trust comes into play when you have no legit reason to be trusting. Blind trust would be someone you do not know or have no reason to trust. "Best friend" and "wife" usually do not fall under the "people you shouldn't trust" category unless they do something to earn it. Which..well, I guess they have done that now.

Edited February 13, 2015 by Spectre

[sandylee1]

OP

 

I hope you're doing okay. Try not to let thinks get you down too much. When I read that the OM didn't feel bad for what he did, it struck me of the kind of person he is. Devoid of any guilt and it should give an insight into what a future with him would be like. He (and you) crossed a boundary and yet he feels okay with that.

 

I find it even more worrying that as someone who was cheated on, he could do this to his 'best friend'. Really with friends like him, you don't need enemies.

 

If you and your H can work things out, with the right support.

 

Take care.

 

P.S. It takes two to tango, just in case someone chimes in on that point.

[Chi townD]

Some people here are narrow-minded in that they judge without knowing all the facts. That is a fact and is the basic definition of "narrow-minded" because they can't think beyond their own situation or realize that not every situation is like theirs.

 

No one here can know the facts of these cases. We have to go on face value - what is posted. So yes, I criticize for that reason, because it is perpetually annoying and not ultimately helpful for anyone to project their own situations on those of others.

 

If you are not trying to start anything, then please let it go. My post was directed at DKT3 who for some reason targets and disagrees with everything I say. Please let's move on.

 

 

So, it's okay for you to call people narrow-minded because they don't subscribe to your way of thinking when they give their option.

 

 

But, someone tells you to get off your "Soap box" and you all butt hurt because they called you out on being judgmental?

[autumnnight]

Since when is cheating on your husband with his best friend not heinous?

 

 

 

I guess my problem with this logic is how is trust blind if you are trusting someone who is like a brother to you? Or someone you are married to? If someone is marrying someone, I would have to assume they earned your trust for you to marry them. Likewise, if someone has been your best friend for years, I would assume they earned your trust over that time. Blind trust comes into play when you have no legit reason to be trusting. Blind trust would be someone you do not know or have no reason to trust. "Best friend" and "wife" usually do not fall under the "people you shouldn't trust" category unless they do something to earn it. Which..well, I guess they have done that now.

 

I have to say I agree with this. There are people in our lives that we OUGHT TO be able to trust. I wouldn't want any part of a marriage or a marriage recovery where part of the rule is that you can't trust. That is very backwards to me. Just like the idea that you shouldn't love unconditionally or shouldn't compromise. A marriage where both of you actively choose NOT to trust each other? No thanks!

[Selfish]

Since when is cheating on your husband with his best friend not heinous?

 

 

 

I guess my problem with this logic is how is trust blind if you are trusting someone who is like a brother to you? Or someone you are married to? If someone is marrying someone, I would have to assume they earned your trust for you to marry them. Likewise, if someone has been your best friend for years, I would assume they earned your trust over that time. Blind trust comes into play when you have no legit reason to be trusting. Blind trust would be someone you do not know or have no reason to trust. "Best friend" and "wife" usually do not fall under the "people you shouldn't trust" category unless they do something to earn it. Which..well, I guess they have done that now.

 

Actually, blind trust is exactly that... Being blind. It is trusting someone so much you ignore flags. You don't see that your spouse is a fallable human being. You believe them incapable of falling down the slippery slope. You trast them to think and behave like younno matter what. Blind trust isn't just trusting your spouse doesn't cheat in normal circumstances. Blind trust is trust is trusting your spouse wouldn't cheat in exactly the situations above.

 

Nobody should have blind trust. In themselves or others. If a situation is questionable (close friendship) something should be said. Which the OP's husband did when he finally took the blinders off.

 

In a perfect world without human beings nobody would do things that are so selfish. Everyone would be aware of crossing boundaries. But infidelity will never stop. All we can do is control our own behaviour.

[aliveagain]

Why wouldn't a husband or wife not trust their spouse blindly? If you trust them with your life, your children, your money, your mortgage your deepest secrets, your fears, your pets, why wouldn't you trust them to keep their promise to you? That's all a wedding ceremony is, the witnessing and public documentation of the word you promise each other on the day you wed. Why would you worry about a friend who comes to you for help, they are desperate and in need, who turns a friend away in their darkest hour?

 

The real question should be, what kind of friend in desperate need of help and what kind of wife will unite with this friend against her own husband and plan further deceptions against him? Infidelity takes a lot of lying and planning and the deception is against the very person she swore to protect. Can there be love without trust, I guess there can be once you prove that your not trustworthy, yes, just like you can be a great mother yet a sh*tty wife.

Edited February 13, 2015 by aliveagain

[beach]

Your M and reconciling will heal more effectively if you take all the blame for the way you participated.

 

No blame on the OM - that's just a distraction for the healing process - he could have been anyone who tempted you. You acting upon that is only your actions alone.

 

Have you talked honestly with your H about that? And also that you are "in love" with the OM?

[Selfish]

Why wouldn't a husband or wife not trust their spouse blindly? If you trust them with your life, your children, your money, your mortgage your deepest secrets, your fears, your pets, why wouldn't you trust them to keep their promise to you? That's all a wedding ceremony is, the witnessing and public documentation of the word you promise each other on the day you wed. Why would you worry about a friend who comes to you for help, they are desperate and in need, who turns a friend away in their darkest hour?

 

The real question should be, what kind of friend in desperate need of help and what kind of wife will unite with this friend against her own husband and plan further deceptions against him? Infidelity takes a lot of lying and planning and the deception is against the very person she swore to protect. Can there be love without trust, I guess there can be once you prove that your not trustworthy, yes, just like you can be a great mother yet a sh*tty wife.

 

There is trust and blind trust. Blind trust ignores/doesn't see the flags. Sometimes until it is too late. But there were flags and not hindisght flags in order for it to be "blind trust"

 

Let me ask you this.

 

If your spouse is in charge of the finances but you notice a lot of new things around the house do you think to yourself "my spouse is good with money and wants the best for us. They'd never spend beyond our means" do you blindly trust them to keep things on track?

 

If your child is showing signs and symptoms of abuse. Do you blindly trust that it couldn't be your spouse or do you investigate all avenues?

 

If your spouse is spending all their time hanging out with a friend of the opposite sex do you blindly trust they are not forming a bond that crosses the line?

 

Blind trust is NEVER good. Nor should it be mourned when lost. Like I said this is the real workd where imperfect people who screw up live. Or people who are down right evil.

[autumnnight]

Your M and reconciling will heal more effectively if you take all the blame for the way you participated.

 

No blame on the OM - that's just a distraction for the healing process - he could have been anyone who tempted you. You acting upon that is only your actions alone.

 

Have you talked honestly with your H about that? And also that you are "in love" with the OM?

 

This.

 

You can control one person, OP. That person is you. Being fully accountable for your OWN choices without adding a "but" that shifts the blame to someone else will be the best (and really only) way to regain your integrity.

[Selfish]

A somewhat typical progression:

 

Dday - WS and BS cling to each other.

 

Next - BS demonizes the AP and attempts to get WS to do the same. Creates distance between WS and AP, if WS agrees. If WS defends AP, end of R.

 

Next - Upon further reflection, BS realizes WS is not less of an evil actor than AP. Allows progression of the R, if WS understands and admits this too. If WS blame shifts to BS or AP, end of R.

 

There is a difference between defending an AP and making him out to be the villain and her a victim. I never once blamed my ap for more than what he actually did. Motives and such on his part were just pure speculation and had nothing to do with our r.