Does the torment of a divorce receiving alimony ever end???

[Apaige]

I seriously can't take the torment anymore. We have been divorced now for a solid 2 years, separated one year prior while going through the divorce...so it's been almost 3 years in real time....We finally started getting along about 5 months ago, and he just let it rip again...I am (excuse my french) a D-bag for taking his money, I am doing nothing to better myself, I am a selfish worthless POS and I just milk him for everything he's got...those were all the loving things he said to me yesterday....

 

To give you a little about me; I work 30 hours a week, take care of two children, have my children 5 days/nights a week, and I run them all over the place. Don't get me wrong, I am not complaining, my children are my life, and I don't mind going to all sporting events, taking them to and from friends houses and functions ( I am a mother first and foremost) I get the job done, and I don't complain that he only has them two days/nights a week. But he constantly bullies me, backs me into a corner, calls me names...so on and so forth. He cheated on me; wait, before you jump down my throat, I did not go for alimony b/c of his Infidelity, I did it so that we could live a life style that we all were used to....I don't have my housekeeper anymore, I don't have my "family home" anymore, I don't have a landscaper anymore...I lost a lot, but I am out of his control...or so I thought. We get a long on most levels, but not with the alimony. He shoves it in my face every chance he gets...I honestly live paycheck to paycheck, even with his alimony...so why am I such a bad terrible, "selfish POS"? And when will the bullying stop? When will the threats stop? When will he just accept the fact that I am living without so many things that I was accustomed to; like, a husband, my companion, my future? All of the non monetary things....ugh! 10 phone calls in less then 15 minutes yesterday, and then calling the kids to have them put me on the phone after I refused the calls to my own phone. How is this even acceptable....I can't keep doing this. It's not fair to me, but more importantly, it's not fair to the kids. I didn't ask for any of this.

[amaysngrace]

You need to grow a backbone and talk down to him back. Tell him if he didn't like the agreement he never should have signed it but now it's too late so too bad.

[tippydog90]

I empathize with you. I certainly believe that some consideration should be given when awarding child support, or in your case child support and alimony as to who shouldering most of the responsibility of child care. In my case (recently divorced) when we finalized our divorce it was determined based on income that I would pay 58% of the cost of raising our child, and he would pay 42%. It didn't matter a bit that he is gone six weeks at a time, sees her for a few days and then leaves again for another six weeks. And NOW he is making more money than me and refuses to increase his percentage and help a little more (we are talking no more than an extra $75/month). So not only do I pay more than my fair share of my daughters living expenses, he never has her either. I guess my only recourse is back to court, not sure it is worth it.

 

 

Some people truly only care about what comes out of their pocket, they do not look at the big picture or consider other factors that "should" be considered when determining what is equitable in regards to child support/alimony. Perhaps approach your discussion like this if he is one to be rationale and open minded in his thought process. My ex just shuts down and if I ask him to contribute a little more since he is making more than me now, he just gets angry and thinks I am "trying to bleed him". Ugh. It is ridiculous.

[Mr. Lucky]

But he constantly bullies me, backs me into a corner, calls me names...so on and so forth.

 

Why are you interacting with him ??? In the early acrimonious stages of my divorce, I'd open the door far enough for my son to squeeze through and, with him safely inside, slam the door in my ex's face, often cutting her off mid-sentence.

 

In this day and age of text, email and social media, there is no requirement for you to converse with him. Set some ground rules, this is all under your control...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Apaige]

Why are you interacting with him ??? In the early acrimonious stages of my divorce, I'd open the door far enough for my son to squeeze through and, with him safely inside, slam the door in my ex's face, often cutting her off mid-sentence.

 

In this day and age of text, email and social media, there is no requirement for you to converse with him. Set some ground rules, this is all under your control...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Me. Lucky, if I do not answer my phone he calls one of the kids phone. He called my phone a total of 10 times in less than 20 min. If I didn't answer he call my phone, then my sons...he'd tell my son to put me on the phone, I'd say I couldn't speak, but he wouldn't take no for an answer, and I hate when my son gets put in the middle. He is a police detective, and knows how to interrogate...it's a horrible cycle!!

[Apaige]

You need to grow a backbone and talk down to him back. Tell him if he didn't like the agreement he never should have signed it but now it's too late so too bad.

 

Oh no need to worry!! I put him in his place, but I worry about the kids... I spent 17 years with this guy bullying me, and I've finally learned how to speak up, but I when I don't respond, or take his calls he gets them involved!!

 

However, it still doesn't negate the feeling of being beat up!!

[tippydog90]

Just a thought, perhaps pre-arrange dates and times for him to talk to the children when they are with you and let him know if he has something to discuss with you, it can take place at that time. Ask him not to call outside those times and not to call the kids phones to reach you.

[No Limit]

End the call if he starts off like this again, and tell him you'll try again in 10 minutes after he's cooled down.

 

If he didn't want to invest money in anyone else but himself, he should have had a vasectomy. Is he really so weak that he has to go at his own sons?

He's lacking something money can't buy and his rage won't earn him that.

[jimmy1968]

I have my daughter half time, and pay both. I pay her more because that is what was holding up the divorce. Sometimes I feel resentful for what I'm paying. But there has been peace on that front.

 

The calling is down right abusive. My ex was abusive to my biological children and has no boundaries. She sometimes calls my kids to get a hold of me and it makes me very angry.

 

He sounds like a real jerk. Kids are alot of work. I drive my kids around alot and taking care of them 5 days a week can be very tiring and hard. He has nothing to complain about when he has a capable person helping him with his children. He doesn't have to worry about anything other than his job.

 

What a jerk.

[whichwayisup]

Stand up to him and tell him stop contacting you unless it has to do with the kids and that his abusive behaviour and rude words must stop immediately, that it's wrong and unfair.

 

He is angry and upset/resentful for whatever reason. He probably hates himself and hates how things have turned out. Probably has regrets and instead of facing the fact HE did created the mess and the outcome was divorce, he won't accept that all this has happened because he had an affair and cheated on you.

[whichwayisup]

Me. Lucky, if I do not answer my phone he calls one of the kids phone. He called my phone a total of 10 times in less than 20 min. If I didn't answer he call my phone, then my sons...he'd tell my son to put me on the phone, I'd say I couldn't speak, but he wouldn't take no for an answer, and I hate when my son gets put in the middle. He is a police detective, and knows how to interrogate...it's a horrible cycle!!

 

Police Detective or not, he cannot do this to you and involve your son (or other child) like this. It's been THREE years and he has to get grip! Tell him that if he continues these types of calls you'll take him back to court.

[PegNosePete]

He is a police detective

Then he would have a lot to lose if he were to be involved in a harassment case.

He is definitely harassing you.

 

Tell him that you don't want to discuss anything unless it directly relates to the kids. Inform him that you will be recording his calls from now on. And do it.

 

Start making a detailed diary of all the times he calls you or the kids phones, and what he says. How many calls, what times, etc. Keep your phone bills to back up your own logs. You may need to contact your provider to get bills that show all incoming as well as outgoing calls. Tell him that you will be doing this.

 

He is a cop so he knows harassment laws. If he has any sense, he will stop. If not you can take it further. If you have all this evidence then it will be a clear cut case.

Edited February 11, 2015 by PegNosePete

[2.50 a gallon]

Do as my GF did, record the conversations, then turn him in.

[JJLA]

Do as my GF did, record the conversations, then turn him in.

 

New Jersey is a "one party consent" state for recording. This means you can record the conversation if you are a party to the conversation.

 

Before others follow this advice, however, find out if you are in a state that requires two party consent for recordings. Otherwise you could find yourself running afoul of your state's wiretapping laws and the recordings you have made could be inadmissible in court.

 

That said, if you start a phone call by saying "you are being recorded", and he continues to talk to you, that is considered consent.

 

Here is a link for the relevant law.

 

Recording Phone Calls, Conversations, Meetings and Hearings

[coryreply]

I'm so sorry you and your kids are going through all of this. I know it's hard. Keep your head up and keep doing the right thing. God will bless you for that.

[oldshirt]

Then he would have a lot to lose if he were to be involved in a harassment case.

He is definitely harassing you.

 

Tell him that you don't want to discuss anything unless it directly relates to the kids. Inform him that you will be recording his calls from now on. And do it.

 

Start making a detailed diary of all the times he calls you or the kids phones, and what he says. How many calls, what times, etc. Keep your phone bills to back up your own logs. You may need to contact your provider to get bills that show all incoming as well as outgoing calls. Tell him that you will be doing this.

 

He is a cop so he knows harassment laws. If he has any sense, he will stop. If not you can take it further. If you have all this evidence then it will be a clear cut case.

 

 

This ^^^^

 

 

Are you just wanting an online shoulder to cry on so you can complain about how bad he is and have people hand you a box of Kleenex and tell you how good you are and how bad he is and tell you that you are right and give you nurturing and validation?

 

 

Or do you want actual advice on what actions you can take to make it stop??

 

 

If you just want a shoulder to cry on and get some validation and nurturing, keep doing what you are doing and people will tell you that he is an ass and you are good and that he should be nicer to you.

 

 

But if you want to take affirmative action to put a stop to this, have your lawyer to send him a cease and desist letter via certified mail and then STOP TAKING HIS CALLS, EVEN WHEN HE CALLS THE KIDS.

Then keep a month's worth of phone logs detailing his calls and txts to you and to the kids and then have your attorney file a complaint with the court.

 

 

10 phone calls in a few minutes is at least harassment. Continuing phone calls and attempted contact may even cross over into stalking which is an actual crime for which he can arrested and lose his right to possess firearms in which case he would lose his job.

 

 

You are bringing this on yourself by taking his calls and allowing it to occur. If you want it to stop, you must put a stop to it.

 

 

So decide for yourself, are you making this post for shoulders to cry on and for people to tell you that you are good and he is bad? Or do you want actual advice on what to do about it to make it stop?

[Apaige]

This ^^^^

 

 

Are you just wanting an online shoulder to cry on so you can complain about how bad he is and have people hand you a box of Kleenex and tell you how good you are and how bad he is and tell you that you are right and give you nurturing and validation?

 

 

Or do you want actual advice on what actions you can take to make it stop??

 

 

If you just want a shoulder to cry on and get some validation and nurturing, keep doing what you are doing and people will tell you that he is an ass and you are good and that he should be nicer to you.

 

 

But if you want to take affirmative action to put a stop to this, have your lawyer to send him a cease and desist letter via certified mail and then STOP TAKING HIS CALLS, EVEN WHEN HE CALLS THE KIDS.

Then keep a month's worth of phone logs detailing his calls and txts to you and to the kids and then have your attorney file a complaint with the court.

 

 

10 phone calls in a few minutes is at least harassment. Continuing phone calls and attempted contact may even cross over into stalking which is an actual crime for which he can arrested and lose his right to possess firearms in which case he would lose his job.

 

 

You are bringing this on yourself by taking his calls and allowing it to occur. If you want it to stop, you must put a stop to it.

 

 

So decide for yourself, are you making this post for shoulders to cry on and for people to tell you that you are good and he is bad? Or do you want actual advice on what to do about it to make it stop?

 

 

Wow!! Well, It is kind of hard when your children are involved....but I did send a text telling him that all of our correspondence should take place via text or email only fro this point further. Of course he called 5 times from his phone, and since it was his night with the kids , he called from my son's phone 2 more times. I didn't answer any of the 7 calls. The problem with this is, I don't know if my son needs/wants to speak with me, or if it is just my EX, and in this case it was my EX, so he grabbed the phone away from my son, and started going off on me...So, as you can see, it just plain stinks. So when my son comes home, I will have a talk with him, and set up times in which I will be calling him from now on when he is with his father. Personally, I feel that it's just too much for a 12 year old to handle. It isn't fair for him to be put in the middle like this.

 

As for, why I am posting this; two reasons, 1. to vent, and 2. to try and figure out a solution that will not include my lawyer since my divorce has already cost me 30k...So thank you to all for your input.

[oldshirt]

 

As for, why I am posting this; two reasons, 1. to vent, and 2. to try and figure out a solution that will not include my lawyer since my divorce has already cost me 30k...So thank you to all for your input.

 

Since he knows the law and knows what he can get away with if you do not take legal action, you probably will have to legal action at some point.

 

 

If you want to try one last ditch effort before going the legal route, try this -

 

 

Ring Ring Ring (from your son's phone)

 

 

You -"hello"

 

 

Ex on son's phone - "blah blah blah blah.."

 

 

You - 'click'

 

 

Depending on how motivated he is to be an *******, this may take a few weeks or even a month or more to work, but once he realizes that he can't engage you, upset you or get response out of you, he will eventually stop trying.

 

 

And if he doesn't and he you have informed him explicitly that he can not contact you, then you have grounds and evidence for harassment and possibly stalking.

 

 

Even if you do take legal action, you will have to show that he has been informed explicitly not to contact him and you will have to show that you are not engaging him when he does contact you. so both, informingo him via notarized letter delivered by certified mail to not contact you, he has received a legally recognizably notice of no contact. And in that letter you must also state that he cannot contact you through any agent or a 3rd parties or through any surreptitious means which will also include your children or their phones.

 

 

You're going to have to be proactive and take definitive action here. right now you are relying on hope and hoping he will play nice on his own accord. That obviously ain't a gonna happen so you are going to have to actually do something about it and not rely on his good nature and sense of fair play.

[carhill]

To answer the title, generally the torment ends upon remarriage, as two things generally happen, one being another male is on-scene and men know exactly how to solve conflicts with other men, yep even with cops with guns. Two, generally, decrees state alimony terminates upon remarriage. Your decree will be clear on that point, one way or another.

 

Personally, I'd spend the money to have a lawyer who specializes in decree enforcement go over the decree with a fine-tooth comb and suggest a plan of action to terminate this guy as an exigent threat and/or bring his feet and those of his employer to the fire legally. One thing about cops is that they may be powerful but they are also exposed. Use it. Consider it a war to ensure the survival and thriving of your children. Take no prisoners. Make it the hill to die on. Speak in a language cops understand, the language of law and death. Brutal? Absolutely! That's how life is sometimes. Sucks I know.

 

In the interim, call up your phone provider and change your phone numbers. Yeah, he's a cop and he has accesses to such information. That's good! If he uses them for non-department-related official business, one more bullet in him. Just stay on it. He'll screw up eventually. They always do.

[oldshirt]

yeah, being a cop is not a shield for him, it just gives him more to lose. You need to work with your attorney on this because your attorney will not care one crap less about him being a cop.

 

 

Your ex is harassing you and may be subject to a no contact order and possibly a restraining order. In many jurisdictions having a restraining order against prohibits you from having firearms in your possession. Police departments take legal issues against their officers seriously.

 

 

(yes they may cover them up and hide them and do what they can to sweep them under the rug in the heat of the moment, but it also blacklists them from their superiors because they have the extra hassle and expense to deal with. He will feel the heat in one way or another)

 

 

You are going to have to approach this legally. relying on his good nature and sense of fair play hasn't worked. Being passive and hoping that he stops hasn't worked. Trying to rationalize and explain things to him and asking him nicely to stop hasn't worked.

 

 

You are going to have to do something that will actually work.

[sandylee1]

I do hope he's not angry and bitter to the point that he would become violent with you. Please protect yourself if that is the case and gather evidence of his harassment.

 

I know it's horrible that he involves your son in all this. It just shows how inconsiderate he is as a father. If I didn't think it would aggravate him too much, I'd buy a hand personal attack alarm and sound it off when he calls right down his ear. Tell him the phone has been playing up a bit.

 

Can I ask what he actually says in the sea calls. Why is he calling?

 

He cheats on you and now it hits him financially he doesn't like it. That's too bad for him. Anyway, protect yourself and make no secret of his behaviour, to your friends and family just in case.

[light yagami]

I was reading your post and did not make it through the responses yet. At any rate, my strong advice to you is to contact his C.O. They will take this sort of thing seriously. Officers have a very strict code they are supposed to follow and I have seen what happens to officers that do not act according to certain guidelines.

That being said, you also have to be careful I have also seen what happens when the police would rather be buddy - buddy and watch each other's back. If this worries you go to the other dept. (If he is PD go to the local sheriff's office, and vice versa) That way you can get their advice. This is considered stalking and harassment you need to take care of you and yours.

[Apaige]

I have had no contact with him, although he did text to see if he could spend time with my son yesterday...It really is a shame, and I would never keep him from the kids, but I think it's best to stay with the court order and times that he is to have the children.

[BetrayedH]

I have had no contact with him, although he did text to see if he could spend time with my son yesterday...It really is a shame, and I would never keep him from the kids, but I think it's best to stay with the court order and times that he is to have the children.

 

Stick with email. In more urgent situations, sick kid or you're running late for a drop-off, then text is ok. No need for phone calls. Communicate this approach to him; if he makes any calls, hang up on all of them.

 

If this doesn't work, take legal recourse.

[idoltree]

I have had no contact with him, although he did text to see if he could spend time with my son yesterday...It really is a shame, and I would never keep him from the kids, but I think it's best to stay with the court order and times that he is to have the children.

 

Good choice. Always stick as close to the legal requirements is possible when you're dealing with a high conflict ex.

 

Apaige, you don't know how much power you have because he's convinced you that you have none and that you have to accept this treatment.

 

As others have said, here are some of the things you can do:

 

- Educate yourself. Are you in a one party or two party recording state? If it's a one party, then start recording these harassing calls.

- Change you phone number. You can get a google voice number, and any voicemails are automatically transcribed. So you don't even have to listen to him, and you've got a written record of what he says.

- Don't answer the phone when you know it is him. He can leave a voicemail.

- If he uses your son's phone, hang up on him.

- Talk to your son, tell him that you don't want him to feel in the middle, so just so he knows you're trying to cut down on communication with his dad because the two of you can't talk without arguing. Tell him that he doesn't need to do anything if his dad takes his phone, and you aren't telling him so he has to do anything. He doesn't have to do a single thing, and none of his is his fault, you just want him to know that you plan on always answering but will hang up if his dad tries to use his phone.

- Once you've got some evidence collected, visit a lawyer for a consultation. Have the lawyer send him a certified letter that all future communication should only be about parenting, and if he cannot do that, then your lawyer will pursue protecting you from harassment.

- Tell your friends and family that this has happened, and see if someone will come stay with you around the time your ex gets the letter. Just for peace of mind.

- If he continues, then carry through with pursuing harassment charges against him.

 

Yes, he is a cop, but he had much more to lose than you do. He will know it, too. Once you start holding him accountable for his behavior, I think he will back right down like a wounded puppy, because his career would be in jeopardy.

 

You really don't have to put up with what he is doing to you. Just because he tells you that you have to put up with it doesn't mean that you do. You are not his emotional punching bag, and you have the law on your side.