Scarlet2 Posted February 11, 2015 Share Posted February 11, 2015 You hear it over and over again that the MM/MW won't divorce to be with the OW/OM because of the kids but what happens once the kids grow up and move out and start families of their own? What are your experiences with that? For the OW/OM, did you wait for their kids to grow up and what happened afterwards? For the MM/MW, did you or someone you know stay married or divorce after the kids left? If you/they stayed married, what was the new reason for staying? Is it still the kids, even though they are adults now? Is it comfort/familiarity? Not wanting to start over? Or what? Link to post Share on other sites
loveboid Posted February 11, 2015 Share Posted February 11, 2015 The longer the marriage lasts the higher the alimony payments. Sure, there are no more child support payments but alimony can be permanent, meaning for life...even after retirement. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CherryBlossomSkirt Posted February 11, 2015 Share Posted February 11, 2015 I think a lot of times the married man, although no longer in love, does LOVE his wife and therefore is reluctant to leave her. They have a familial bond. Link to post Share on other sites
ComingInHot Posted February 11, 2015 Share Posted February 11, 2015 Or maybe the MM loves His Wife but enjoys having a side piece. Mine certainly did. He would have stayed with me forever and loved me forever. Even though he cheated (which I still is so screwed up) but that was the kind of person he was. I left. Like really left. As in 600 miles away. I told him to have at her and be well. I told her that I forgave her and enjoy my H. He didn't want her like that. She hated him for not wanting her the way he lied and told her he did. He genuinely cared about her but just not as much as His Wife, me. Too bad for him, that still wasn't enough for me... Think hard about wasting these precious years you have on a man who is taken REGARDLESS of what he tells you and may even slightly feel. YOU dear one deserve better! I sure did too* and now I have waaaay better and I believe the exow does too. CiH* 7 Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted February 11, 2015 Share Posted February 11, 2015 What happened with us? He left. We are living happily. But I know it happens rarely. Link to post Share on other sites
janetl Posted February 11, 2015 Share Posted February 11, 2015 I have wondered about this a lot. I am an ex-OW btw, currently in NC. I think for old couples, whether they have been in an affair or not, if there is no current motivation: they might just stick around. With no kids around, they have pretend less to like each other or whatever. They can stay under the safe roof without having to deal with each other too much. So why leave and create turmoil in the lives of your "family"? Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted February 11, 2015 Share Posted February 11, 2015 My cousin's husband left as soon as their youngest turned 18. Last I knew they're still together. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ComingInHot Posted February 11, 2015 Share Posted February 11, 2015 What happened with us? He left. We are living happily. But I know it happens rarely. Hey Goody did he leave after the kids grew up and left? Or before? For some reason I thought it was before but forget. If he left right away, I think that's cool. No hidden agenda or trying to 'set things up' so His Wife doesn't get her share. It means he is still taking into consideration the breaking of the M and is not a total selfish prick Link to post Share on other sites
jbrent890 Posted February 11, 2015 Share Posted February 11, 2015 I find it interesting that the one explanation that isn't acknowledged is that maybe he didn't want to leave his marriage in the first place. I don't mean to rude, but this subject is actually being talked about in the infedility forum. IDK if it is something he tells you or something you tell yourself, but one of the things I hear OW say is the "he can't leave because of his children." This makes him out to be some noble guy when in reality he isn't. I would say 7 times out of 10, the MM wanted to stay married to how wife, but wanted something extra on the side. Again, I hope this doesn't offend. I really do find this thread interesting. Kids or no kids, he wasn't going to leave. At the end of the day, most of them actually do love their wives, they just love themselves more. 14 Link to post Share on other sites
Quiet Storm Posted February 11, 2015 Share Posted February 11, 2015 I think in most cases leaving is never seriously considered by MM, but they know the kids reason makes sense to OW. Who could fault MM for not wanting to leave their kids? It also makes OW look selfish when she wants him to leave for her, so she is reluctant to push it. So even if he never intends to leave, the staying for the kids excuse really works for MM. It buys them plenty of time and is understandable and believable to OW. It makes them look honorable and like a great dad, in spite of the fact they are putting their family at risk with the affair. I think most MM fully expect to be resting for eternity side by side with their wives in the cemetery, and that's the reality of what happens in most cases. 10 Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted February 11, 2015 Share Posted February 11, 2015 I know of no one that divorced when the kids left the house , for any reason. The only divorced people I know divorced while the kids were still home. My boys are 15 and 20. Many of my friends are empty nesters. This is my observation and based on stats half of the people I know would have experienced infidelity even if I'm not aware of it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
cocorico Posted February 11, 2015 Share Posted February 11, 2015 You hear it over and over again that the MM/MW won't divorce to be with the OW/OM because of the kids but what happens once the kids grow up and move out and start families of their own? What are your experiences with that? For the OW/OM, did you wait for their kids to grow up and what happened afterwards? For the MM/MW, did you or someone you know stay married or divorce after the kids left? If you/they stayed married, what was the new reason for staying? Is it still the kids, even though they are adults now? Is it comfort/familiarity? Not wanting to start over? Or what? My father left my mother as soon as the kids were grown. He waited a discreet amount of time, then M his OW. They've been happily M for decades now. My H left his xBW as soon as the kids were old enough. Not yet out of the house, but old enough to be able to deal with another separation after the trauma of the (very badly handled) first separation. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
cocorico Posted February 11, 2015 Share Posted February 11, 2015 The longer the marriage lasts the higher the alimony payments. Sure, there are no more child support payments but alimony can be permanent, meaning for life...even after retirement. This very much depends on where you live, and the contractual conditions under which you married. My H did not have to pay a penny to his XW when he left, aside from buying out her share of the house. The only person I know who did have to pay anything had to pay his xW a defined amount of rehabilitative maintenance as shed given up her career (with his blessing) to stay home with the kids, while he worked. He got full custody of the kids, but she had been out of the job market for years so the courts instructed him to pay her an amount to allow her to update her qualifications to reenter the job market, whereafter she had to pay him child support. Beyond that, I've only ever heard of parents paying child support to the custodial parent; never any form of maintenance to their x partner. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted February 11, 2015 Share Posted February 11, 2015 Not sure if this is usual or not-but a friend here in CO had to pay alimony to his wife that cheated/left for the OM and they shared custody of their child- she had almost no income and they were only married for 7 years- (he had to pay for 3.5 years)- no, she is not with the OM any longer but that's a whole other Oprah-although infidelity is "illegal" in CO, divorce is no fault- Link to post Share on other sites
the_artist_1970 Posted February 11, 2015 Share Posted February 11, 2015 I have wondered about this a lot. I am an ex-OW btw, currently in NC. I think for old couples, whether they have been in an affair or not, if there is no current motivation: they might just stick around. With no kids around, they have pretend less to like each other or whatever. They can stay under the safe roof without having to deal with each other too much. So why leave and create turmoil in the lives of your "family"? Or they can rebuild and rekindle a great romance. Long marriages go through hills and valleys, ebbs and flows. Only the two married ppl know what's going on in their M. That is the danger in waiting it out until a M person leaves the M, you are on the outside trying to figure it out while the M couple is living their lives together. 9 Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted February 11, 2015 Share Posted February 11, 2015 So true, my empty nester friends are like teenagers! Dating their spouse again. They make me smile, and again , by stats half have experienced infidelity so I agree, waiting it out is risky. Without the day to day of kids, the mm could be getting that attention he craved from his wife and no longer need an OW. 9 Link to post Share on other sites
jbrent890 Posted February 11, 2015 Share Posted February 11, 2015 So true, my empty nester friends are like teenagers! Dating their spouse again. They make me smile, and again , by stats half have experienced infidelity so I agree, waiting it out is risky. Without the day to day of kids, the mm could be getting that attention he craved from his wife and no longer need an OW. I feel like we need to have a thread that lists all the correct stats in regard to infedility. A 25 year marriage has a 25% chance of experiencing infedility. 6% of people cheat in a given year. Still high, but a far cry from 50%. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted February 11, 2015 Share Posted February 11, 2015 Hey Goody did he leave after the kids grew up and left? Or before? For some reason I thought it was before but forget. If he left right away, I think that's cool. No hidden agenda or trying to 'set things up' so His Wife doesn't get her share. It means he is still taking into consideration the breaking of the M and is not a total selfish prick Hi CIH. He actually left when he was finished paying for college. He is so not selfish, I think I am though. I wanted him for me. But maybe that is not so selfish, I wanted him to be loved. I dunno. Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted February 11, 2015 Share Posted February 11, 2015 I feel like we need to have a thread that lists all the correct stats in regard to infedility. A 25 year marriage has a 25% chance of experiencing infedility. 6% of people cheat in a given year. Still high, but a far cry from 50%. We all know there are no true stats. Most affairs go undiscovered. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
jbrent890 Posted February 11, 2015 Share Posted February 11, 2015 We all know there are no true stats. Most affairs go undiscovered. How Common is Cheating & Infidelity Really? | World of Psychology Yes, the vast majority of affairs go undiscovered, but the vast majority of people,don't cheat in marriages. These are actual studies that back this up. When I hear people say yeah I cheated or got cheated on, but it happens to most people, I think that it's just something they tell themselves to make them feel better. No different than than the topic of this thread. The things people will tell themselves to escape the reality of a situation never ceases to amaze. Sorry to say that cheaters are not the norm in marriages. They are still the minority. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted February 11, 2015 Share Posted February 11, 2015 (edited) How Common is Cheating & Infidelity Really? | World of Psychology Yes, the vast majority of affairs go undiscovered, but the vast majority of people,don't cheat in marriages. These are actual studies that back this up. When I hear people say yeah I cheated or got cheated on, but it happens to most people, I think that it's just something they tell themselves to make them feel better. No different than than the topic of this thread. The things people will tell themselves to escape the reality of a situation never ceases to amaze. Sorry to say that cheaters are not the norm in marriages. They are still the minority. I hope they are the minority. But I still stand by the fact that affairs are shrouded in secrecy. Tons of affairs happen and most people will never admit it. Even if the studies don't use names, lots of people are not honest. It makes me sad because I believe in love. I think it is unfortunate that so many people Are not married to the right person. Or people are selfish. Edited February 11, 2015 by goodyblue Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted February 11, 2015 Share Posted February 11, 2015 I can pull stats as well, but my point is just because I'm unaware of my friends infidelity does not mean it doesn't exist. I know of no empty nesters that divorce so in my experience, waiting for your mms kids to leave the house is a bad idea. I also know you can pull stats on how many empty nesters divorce, but the question was about our experiences, not stats and I am responding to that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted February 11, 2015 Share Posted February 11, 2015 I can pull stats as well, but my point is just because I'm unaware of my friends infidelity does not mean it doesn't exist. I know of no empty nesters that divorce so in my experience, waiting for your mms kids to leave the house is a bad idea. I also know you can pull stats on how many empty nesters divorce, but the question was about our experiences, not stats and I am responding to that. My guy was an empty nester. Link to post Share on other sites
jbrent890 Posted February 11, 2015 Share Posted February 11, 2015 I hope they are the minority. But I still stand by the fact that affairs are shrouded in secrecy. Tons of affairs happen and most people will never admit it. Even if the studies don't use names, lots of people are not honest. It makes me sad because I believe in love. I think it is unfortunate that so many people Are not married to the right person. Or people are selfish. The studies referenced took into account that type of bias from participants. And they explain how they do that. Multiple studies on the issue say the exact same thing. Cheaters in a marriage are the minority. I feel like you are letting your personal assumption on the issue cloud what actually is the case. Numbers don't lie. And to the other poster, yes you can find stats on infedility easily, but make sure they come from scholarly sources and from individuals that actually frame their statistics. The WSJ just came out with a study that supports the ones I referenced. Again, people want to make it seem like cheating runs rampant in a lot of marriages. It doesn't. Like I said, it goes back to the original topic. People want to tell themselves things to make themselves feel better. It's no different than the OW saying he won't leave his wife because of the kids. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted February 11, 2015 Share Posted February 11, 2015 The studies referenced took into account that type of bias from participants. And they explain how they do that. Multiple studies on the issue say the exact same thing. Cheaters in a marriage are the minority. I feel like you are letting your personal assumption on the issue cloud what actually is the case. Numbers don't lie. And to the other poster, yes you can find stats on infedility easily, but make sure they come from scholarly sources and from individuals that actually frame their statistics. The WSJ just came out with a study that supports the ones I referenced. Again, people want to make it seem like cheating runs rampant in a lot of marriages. It doesn't. Like I said, it goes back to the original topic. People want to tell themselves things to make themselves feel better. It's no different than the OW saying he won't leave his wife because of the kids. I am going to quietly say numbers certainly do not lie, on that we agree. But people do. WSJ or no. Say whatever makes you feel better. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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