what happens after the kids leave

[minimariah]

You and your mother are two of the most understanding people in the world.

 

we're just emotionally mature, that's all.

 

So your dad had a woman on the side and your mother lived in a marriage where she shared her husband with another woman and didn't mind? For five years she tolerated that and knew it?

 

she didn't share my father - they broke up. they focused on rebuilding their friendship & getting over the entire situation the best way they know how. they were roommates for five years, she didn't share him because their romantic relationship was over when they decided to add 5 more years of marriage. also, my father didn't "flaunt" his relationship with his other woman around & my mother eventually started dating. it definitely worked for them.

 

Only to be divorced after five years, in order for her child to have two parents in the home. I feel really sorry for your mom. She may have never showed you how much that hurt her but I can guarantee you that she was in severe pain.

 

i just... i really love this thread, honestly.

 

i think it's fascinating how you (and not only you but others as well) think you know more about my mother and her feelings than I do. also, it's VERY rude to pity someone who doesn't want or need it. it's even more rude to turn someone into a martyr and to assume that they couldn't possibly be happy with the choice they made. just because you can't deal with some stuff - doesn't mean that others can't either, keep that in mind.

[Rainbowlove]

They tought me that heartbreak isn't something you can't survive, it's not a tragedy.ey also tought me a lot about forgiveness and moving on and friendship after hurt & betrayal. they tought me COMMUNICATION - how to communicate with each other, they taught me the importance of HONESTY when it comes to feelings. my parents had and still have an amazing relationship. it went from friendship to romance & parenting and now back to friendship. it also taught me that you really can't divide people and put them in little boxes with name tags & judge them accordingly. a lot of people crave truth but when you're being honest - they can't handle it. my father was very honest with my mother & he told her right away when he started having feelings for this other woman. it's not like they didn't try to fix their marriage and relationship - they did - but the heart wants what the heart wants.

 

It's really a remarkable story. I see the value in your father's honesty. I see the value in your mom's willingness to accept he didn't love her and to stick it out for your sake.

 

I imagine that decision wasn't easy to come by for either of them.

 

It's a brutal blow to realize you have fallen in love with someone other than your spouse. Many times, we only consider the BS feelings, but from my own experience, realizing my heart had turned away from my wife and towards my XAP was a paralyzing experience and one I never dreamed would happen or want.

 

I see your parents as soulful people who understand that love does remain but also shifts and changes forms. Lovers, to parents, to friends...

 

I see your point. It worked out for you and your parents, but many people take a betrayal (intentional or not) as a personal attack. They do not see it in a spiritual sense or as an opportunity to grow and learn.

 

I'm sure your mother was deeply wounded by the death of her marriage and love affair with your father, but she didn't see it as a death of self or life.

 

Thanks for sharing their story.

[minimariah]

It's really a remarkable story. I see the value in your father's honesty. I see the value in your mom's willingness to accept he didn't love her and to stick it out for your sake.

 

thank you! finally, someone got the entire story right.

 

It's a brutal blow to realize you have fallen in love with someone other than your spouse. Many times, we only consider the BS feelings, but from my own experience, realizing my heart had turned away from my wife and towards my XAP was a paralyzing experience and one I never dreamed would happen or want.

 

oh, absolutely! my father was happy & he and my mother had a very healthy relationship. it's not like someone screwed up and the love was gone... my father never looked to fall in love with someone else. he never looked for an affair - he never, not in a million years, thought that my mother wasn't his The One. that was, until he met this other woman. when he started developing feelings, he immediately came clean to my mother (she noticed what was going on, too) and they tried to work it out. he was honest with her long before the actual relationship with this other woman even began. BUT once that love is gone... you can't really get it back. til this day, my father doesn't know what happened and feels guilty over everything - my mother didn't do anything wrong, they didn't take each other for granted, they worked and cherished their relationship and the love and chemistry was there... i remember how my father told me about meeting my mom for the first time and how he immediately knew she is the woman he'll marry. my dad was definitely in love with my mother for a very long time, but... kismet, you know? destiny. it simply wasn't meant to be.

 

I'm sure your mother was deeply wounded by the death of her marriage and love affair with your father, but she didn't see it as a death of self or life.

 

Thanks for sharing their story.

 

you're welcome and thank you for this post - it's like you were reading my mind. you basically expressed what i tried to say but i'm having a little trouble because english isn't my 1st language, LOL. anyway... yes. my mother never saw the death of her marriage as this huge tragedy she can't get over. she simply isn't built that way. not everything in life has answers to "why" and she accepted it and worked through it and eventually moved on.

Edited February 13, 2015 by minimariah

[norudder]

The 'others' should move forward in own best interest. If it is not a reasonable timeline then wish them well and they can contact you if it happens. Ive heard/read some cases but dont think the odds are good. Im not betting on my exmm to come through. You'll only hurt yourself by holding your breath.

[Confused48]

In my experience, nothing changed when the kids were grown. The AP in my life made big promises about that. When that day came and went, Sept 2014, there was no change at all. Surprise! Not. Anyone but the love addled could see this coming a mile away.

[solostand]

In my case, BS got the adult children involved after Dday, there were threats that he would never see them again, threats that he would never see his grandchildren. The adult children were on board with their mother, so don't count on grown children making things easier.

[Doublegold]

Minimariah I truly appreciate your posts and sharing. I separated from my husband of 24 years for three years until we divorced. We have wonderful children and a good friendship today. It is possible, yet some would like to question the possibility, perhaps out of their own fears.

 

I don't think something has to last forever to be successful. That goes for Marriages too. You and your parents, myself and my family are proof of that. Congrats to all!

[goodyblue]

Absolutely, marriage comes as the top priority. I'm not married yet, but we're close. We live together with my two teenagers. The number one thing I can give my kids is the foundation of a healthy loving home, with the modeling of what a healthy romantic successful marriage looks like. I didn't do that with my first marriage and it (and my children) suffered because of it. You have this concept in your head that making your spouse first in your life means neglecting the kids or something. It doesn't.

 

I believe you do the entire family a great disservice when you put the kids above the marriage. It is not, for me, that I love my children less than my guy. There are just different kinds of love and if you neglect the marriage you hurt the foundation of the family, leaving yourself wide open to neglect of your needs, betrayal, apathy for and from your spouse, and divorce. My guy was so neglected it was terrible. Trust me when I tell you that he is no longer neglected with me, we have been together for some years now, and people see the happiness all over his face.

 

Btw, we also have a kids free bedroom and our date nights are Monday and Saturday. And my kids are really a happy bunch of kids.

[goodyblue]

Statistics show that very few men leave for their other woman, even after the kids ahve grown up at left, which makes the notion of "staying for the kids" moot.

 

An awfu lot of men who cheat ( but from what studies show, not so much with women who do) don't really know what their "authentic self", a pop psychology Dr. Phil style term, is at all.

 

The idea that his ow helps him find his "authentic self" would make her his pseudo therapist, which is not a position most women want to be in. They wnat to be someone's love, not their counselor.

 

Besides, who's to say that the perosn he is with when he's with the ow is really who he is. The ow? Sounds more like she is simply seeing what she wnats him to be, putting him in a box, just the way she claims his ball and chain does. Not to mention the fact that if the afair shows him his true self, it is, then that means that being a sneaky liar is part of who he is- unless he was already like that.

 

Um. I think my guy was his true self but I certainly reignited his need to live it in a much larger way.

 

I always laugh when people bring bring up studies and stats... then say cheaters lie. Why would they tell the truth about that!!!

[goodyblue]

In my case, BS got the adult children involved after Dday, there were threats that he would never see them again, threats that he would never see his grandchildren. The adult children were on board with their mother, so don't count on grown children making things easier.

 

My guy is ok with his kids now, but his daughter didn't speak to him for months after she found out, only deciding to be nice to him again after he bribed her with a trip to Europe.

[minimariah]

I don't think something has to last forever to be successful. That goes for Marriages too. You and your parents, myself and my family are proof of that. Congrats to all!

 

thank you!

i agree. but people look at it differently, you know? if my husband came to me and said to me - look, i'm in love with someone else and i'm leaving - then i'll let him go. what good will it come to me from being angry, mad, bitter and from trying to get some kind of revenge? you need to keep it moving, life ain't stopping for none of us. and it's too short to spend it crying over spilt milk.

 

yes, it's possible to be happy after being divorced. it's also possible to forgive and to move on and to have a good, cordial relationship with your ex. you don't even need to be friends if you don't want to - bit you should be able to at least have a friendly convo for the sake of your children.

 

so many kids are emotionally damaged and neglected because people can't put aside their egos and bitterness and focus on moving on with your life. it's a shame.

 

My guy is ok with his kids now, but his daughter didn't speak to him for months after she found out, only deciding to be nice to him again after he bribed her with a trip to Europe.

 

this happens a lot & i honestly feel so bad for the parent who has to go through it. i see many kids who use their parent ONLY for money, gifts & trips - but (mostly influenced by the BS) they are often rude, insensitive, dismissive toward that parent. and when the parent finally has enough, both the kid and BS scream "bad father, not taking care of your children!!!" to everyone who'll listen.

 

i know people get hurt and i don't condone cheating - but you always need to put your kids 1st. my mother was mad at my father, for sure. but she dealt with it and took it out on HIM - not me or the other woman. she said what she had to say, he said what he had to say and they moved on. not trying to minimalize anyone's pain but it's not the end of the world... you always need to be able to move on and protect your children if your partner is a good parent, ALWAYS.

 

kudos to all the people who can actually rise above bitterness and hate and think of their kids 1st.

[minimariah]

I believe you do the entire family a great disservice when you put the kids above the marriage.

 

i agree with this. you shouldn't put the kids above the marriage just like you shouldn't put the marriage above the kids imho.

 

i see a lot of couples who lose their own special space and their connection because their entire life revolves around kids and parenting and it's a huge mistake - so the kids free bedroom and date nights are a great idea to mantain a good marriage, congrats to the both of you for making it!

[goodyblue]

i agree with this. you shouldn't put the kids above the marriage just like you shouldn't put the marriage above the kids imho.

 

i see a lot of couples who lose their own special space and their connection because their entire life revolves around kids and parenting and it's a huge mistake - so the kids free bedroom and date nights are a great idea to mantain a good marriage, congrats to the both of you for making it!

 

Thank you. I saw close family members do it too. Then the kids are gone and you are married to a stranger.

[cocorico]

I can't comment on the "stats", since there aren't any *proper* ones, but - as I posted earlier on this thread - I do have personal experience of this. Twice. Once, watching my father leave as soon as we were grown. And again - watching my H leave his xW as soon as his kids were old enough. It happens.

 

The idea that his ow helps him find his "authentic self" would make her his pseudo therapist, which is not a position most women want to be in. They wnat to be someone's love, not their counselor.

 

I've no idea where the notions comes from that the OW "helps him did his authentic self" - nor that any OW wants to do that. I was commenting that - in cases where the MM **shares** his authentic self with the OW, rather than the BW, he is more likely to leave (and, conversely, where he shares his authentic tic self with the BW rather than the OW, he's more likely to stay).

 

This implies that *he already knows / has found / is in contact with *his authentic self. Not that he's on some treasure hunt and she's got the directions. But I guess people who watch Dr Phil aren't that interested in actually listening to, or reading, what someone else is saying. They're just waiting for a gap to start talking themselves.

 

 

In *some* cases, OW see only a small portion of MM's life. In other cases, it's the OW he shares his dreams, hopes, and inner life with, and leaves the BS with only a hollow shell.

 

In other cases, it's the other way around.

 

The WS who invests their authentic self with the AP rather than the BS is more likely to leave for the AP once the kids have grown, since they can then shake off the increasingly ill-fitting role that the M has straitjacketed them into.

 

The WS who is simply augmenting their otherwise-OK M with a bit of extra is unlikely to leave, unless thrown out.

 

Besides, who's to say that the perosn he is with when he's with the ow is really who he is. The ow?

 

No. Time.

 

Sounds more like she is simply seeing what she wnats him to be, putting him in a box, just the way she claims his ball and chain does. Not to mention the fact that if the afair shows him his true self, it is, then that means that being a sneaky liar is part of who he is- unless he was already like that.

 

Actually, if my H was "a sneaky liar" then that was due to his M with his XW, since he's not been like that before, nor since.

 

And yes, I do think he is back to his "authentic self". Certainly that's what his family have been saying all along - that during his M it was like he was abducted by aliens who left the anal probe in; but since the A he's back to his old self, the guy they know and love. So nice try with the snide comments, but very far off the mark, I'm afraid.

[minimariah]

I can't comment on the "stats", since there aren't any *proper* ones, but - as I posted earlier on this thread - I do have personal experience of this. Twice. Once, watching my father leave as soon as we were grown. And again - watching my H leave his xW as soon as his kids were old enough. It happens.

 

i think the stats are misleading, to be honest.

 

MANY people leave for their AP (sooner or later) - it definitely happens a lot in real life and it's definitely not rare.

 

i see it happening in my life all the time, from family members and friends to neighbours and celebrities.

[jbrent890]

i think the stats are misleading, to be honest.

 

MANY people leave for their AP (sooner or later) - it definitely happens a lot in real life and it's definitely not rare.

 

i see it happening in my life all the time, from family members and friends to neighbours and celebrities.

 

I think the biggest issue on this site is that people let their personal experiences influence their views on what actually happens. There is 7 billion people on this planet, so of course a lot of people do leave for their APs. That still doesn't negate the fact that that number is exponentially smaller than the people who choose to stay. Not to mention, you are forgetting about the people who leave then beg their BSs to take them back. My point is this, you can have over 100 studies, reports, etc that all come up with similar findings and numbers. All these things can explain in detail how they got those findings, validated them, and how they removed bias (people lying in reports), and yet people will still believe what they want because it makes them feel better. It's a fact that the vast majority of WHs do not leave their wives. Its a fact that if the woman cheats, it will more than likely end the marriage. It's a fact that cheating is not as rampant as people want you to believe. It's a fact that confessing increases your chances of your marriage surviving. And I can base all of these assertions on actual science. But again, people will believe what they want.

[Gigigirl]

i agree with this. you shouldn't put the kids above the marriage just like you shouldn't put the marriage above the kids imho.

 

i see a lot of couples who lose their own special space and their connection because their entire life revolves around kids and parenting and it's a huge mistake - so the kids free bedroom and date nights are a great idea to mantain a good marriage, congrats to the both of you for making it!

 

I said in my posts that they are equally important. I also said we as parents love our kids MORE than ourselves, meaning I would die for my kids. I never said they come before my BF and his needs aren't important. Other posters started saying "the spouse comes first" and I will never agree with a man coming before a child, that's something deseprate women do, make their husbands their whole life and then wonder why they get treated like a doormat. And that whole "not putting your spouse needs first makes then cheat on you" I call straight bullsh*t, there are plenty of women falling all over themselves to please their men being treated like crap.

 

I forget who posted that to me but that logic goes against "it's the cheater, who is broken, the BS did nothing wrong to be cheated on"

 

But now we were saying if needs aren't met it could be the BS's fault they get cheated on?

[cocorico]

My point is this, you can have over 100 studies, reports, etc that all come up with similar findings and numbers. All these things can explain in detail how they got those findings, validated them, and how they removed bias (people lying in reports), and yet people will still believe what they want because it makes them feel better. It's a fact that the vast majority of WHs do not leave their wives. Its a fact that if the woman cheats, it will more than likely end the marriage. It's a fact that cheating is not as rampant as people want you to believe. It's a fact that confessing increases your chances of your marriage surviving. And I can base all of these assertions on actual science. But again, people will believe what they want.

 

You claim that your assertion that "the vast majority of WHs do not leave their wives" is based on "actual science". In that case, why has no one on this site ever - despite repeated calls - been able to produce the references for a proper study which:

 

1) was conducted by reputable, qualified, accredited researchers, affiliated to a reputable university;

2) asked, as its research question, "what proportion of men having affairs leave their wives?";

3) demonstrates a robust, relevant and replicable research design consistent with answering that question primarily and comprehensively;

4) draws a representative sample of men of all ages, all races, all relevant sexual orientations, all religions, all nationalities, all countries of residence, all socio-economic classes and all other relevant factors;

5) has been subject to rigorous peer-review;

6) has been published in a reputable journal;

7) has a respectable citation index, indicating that it has been engaged with by he scientific community; and

8) most of those citations are broadly in agreement with the original findings on that particular (primary) question.

 

If there really are "over 100 studies", why has nobody ever been able to produce a single one that meets all of these criteria? Because, if you're claiming "actual science", then those are the criteria you're claiming to meet. Produce these studies, and I'll take your claims seriously. But simply waving your hands in the air and claiming they exist - when those of us who are professional social science researchers have repeatedly searched for them and found nothing that meets all of these criteria - is no more "scientific" than those of us who at least have our own lives bed experience to speak from.