what happens after the kids leave

[goodyblue]

I know of empty nesters in the family and I know for a fact their relationship has been so dysfunctional for many years, too many years, and they stay together! It has been years since the children left. The wife hates her husband so much she has completely separate living quarters, they never talk, she refuses to have anything to do with his side of family, and to be around him long enough she drinks until sloshed, falling down. This has been years.

 

This just makes my heart ache.

[Cinnimon]

The OW are not saying the MM are staying for the children, the MM is the one saying that. The OW is the one who chooses to believe it's the truth. It's sad that the OW believes the MM when he lies about such. When you think about it, if he can't even keep his vows in front of God, what makes anyone think he wouldn't lie to the OW about staying only for the children.

I don't believe ANYTHING makes it easier for the OW to accept a mm's choice to stay in the marriage. I think they have no choice but to swallow the kool-aid or walk away. It's not always easy to walk away when the heart is involved. I think both OW and BS can agree on that. And I am not speaking of the MM's feelings for one or the other. I am speaking about the BS and the OW.

[jellybean89]

Alimony is very common in the US. Very rarely is it for life though. Usually has a certain number of years attached to it, unless the marriage is long term and one of the spouses never worked.

 

Of course, some trade alimony for more of their spouses retirement.

[goodyblue]

The OW are not saying the MM are staying for the children, the MM is the one saying that. The OW is the one who chooses to believe it's the truth. It's sad that the OW believes the MM when he lies about such. When you think about it, if he can't even keep his vows in front of God, what makes anyone think he wouldn't lie to the OW about staying only for the children.

I don't believe ANYTHING makes it easier for the OW to accept a mm's choice to stay in the marriage. I think they have no choice but to swallow the kool-aid or walk away. It's not always easy to walk away when the heart is involved. I think both OW and BS can agree on that. And I am not speaking of the MM's feelings for one or the other. I am speaking about the BS and the OW.

 

I get take taken to task quite regularly for saying ' in my case', so I won't. But I am certainly not the only one. I am just the only voice here... or one of the view.

[goodyblue]

Alimony is very common in the US. Very rarely is it for life though. Usually has a certain number of years attached to it, unless the marriage is long term and one of the spouses never worked.

 

Of course, some trade alimony for more of their spouses retirement.

 

Everything was split 50/50 with my guy.

[goodyblue]

It is a slur to both the OW and BS. Here a husband is telling another female he is only staying for the children, regardless if he pretends or actually believes it, it is degrading to the BS. It is also degrading he uses his children as a pawn, an excuse, and expects the OW to believe him. He is a full blown loser either way.

 

Here we go again with me saying ' in my case' but my guy did stay for his daughter. I understand what you are saying, some men don't mean it, but mine did.

[goodyblue]

Depends if one partner uses the kids as emotional blackmail. It happens a lot. I got a message from BS once '' do your kids hear you crying at night''. She was trying to emotionally blackmail me.

 

The ex in my sitch tried, and their daughter was an adult.

Edited February 12, 2015 by goodyblue

[truncated]

Something to think about.

 

if these men say they are staying for thier kids, what is the home life like for these kids?

 

If he is able to lie enough to both his wife and himself to convince his kids that all is well and mom and dad love each other, then he is one heck of an accomplished actor and liar. If he is not ale to kepe up the facade, then what kind of life is it for the kids to see mom and dad miserable everyday and to know that "he only stayed because of me/us"? What kind of weight is that to place on small shoulders?

 

 

If he is staying because homelife is so terrible that the kids need him there to protect them, then there are two issues with this.

 

By staying, he is enabling that toxic state to continue. If his kids need him around all the time to kepe them safe from big, bad mommy, then how is he able to carve out time for an affair? To send hundreds of texts/email messgaes a month? to chat online for hours at a time? To steal days away to take trips with the ow or even a few hours a week to meet them?

 

Why is he not taking that time and emotional energy that he is diverting to the affair and using it to make his kid's lives better? To get the family into counseling? To find some way to get the kids out of that toxic environment? Even if they divorce and he gets to see the kids a few times a week in a safe and loving environment, then wouldn't that give them some normalcy?

 

Then there are the men who stay even after the kids are adults but still living at home or have left the home. The idea that they are staying for the kids then really doesn't wash, in fact, it's ludicrous.

[Gigigirl]

Whether the MM is lying or not is irrelevant. The point is it is not unheard of for a married person to stay for the well being of their kids. Kids are the most important to us as parents. We love them MORE than our spouses, MORE than ourselves. So yes MM could be lying to the OW but why is it so unheard of to a BS that their H stayed for the kids? Why is that crazy? I think it's common. I think we as parents do a lot for the comfort of our kids so why would marriage be any different? Kids come first. I think it's delusional for a BS to believe a cheating husband stays soley out of his love for her. If that's the case he wouldn't cheat to begin with. I think the BS is one of many reasons a married person stays, not the only reason unfortunately. The biggest reason to stay if for the kids, every parent knows that. Yes yes we read how kids would be better off if the parents just divorce and blah blah but that's not how it works, most parents WANT their kids to have a 2 parent home and will be ok with not getting what they need as long as the kids are ok.

 

Yea the MM is probably using it as an excuse but the BS's really need to understand that the kids come before them, so it's not unheard of for a MM to stay for them but lie and say it's because of their love for you.

 

I don't like it when a married person says they staying for their kids, that it is automatically considered hogwash. I think it can be used as an excuse but unfortunately it's an excuse that carries some serious weight.

 

Single parents struggle and sacrifice for their happiness for their kids...why is it different for a husband and wife? They can sacrifice too.

Edited February 12, 2015 by Gigigirl

[purplesorrow]

Whether the MM is lying or not is irrelevant. The point is it is not unheard of for a married person to stay for the well being of their kids. Kids are the most important to us as parents. We love them MORE than our spouses, MORE than ourselves. So yes MM could be lying to the OW but why is it so unheard of to a BS that their H stayed for the kids? Why is that crazy? I think it's common. I think we as parents do a lot for the comfort of our kids so why would marriage be any different? Kids come first. I think it's delusional for a BS to believe a cheating husband stays soley out of his love for her. If that's the case he wouldn't cheat to begin with. I think the BS is one of many reasons a married person stays, not the only reason unfortunately. The biggest reason to stay if for the kids, every parent knows that. Yes yes we read how kids would be better off if the parents just divorce and blah blah but that's not how it works, most parents WANT their kids to have a 2 parent home and will be ok with not getting what they need as long as the kids are ok.

 

Yea the MM is probably using it as an excuse but the BS's really need to understand that the kids come before them, so it's not unheard of for a MM to stay for them but lie and say it's because of their love for you.

 

I don't like it when a married person says they staying for their kids, that it is automatically considered hogwash. I think it can be used as an excuse but unfortunately it's an excuse that carries some serious weight.

 

Single parents struggle and sacrifice for their happiness for their kids...why is it different for a husband and wife? They can sacrifice too.

 

Really? So I MADE my grown azz stbx lie to me? Put me at risk for stds? Live a double life? Then I guess he gets full credit for me being a faithful wife? How? He always knew it would be 50/50 custody if we split and no support payments of any kind. If he were so concerned about our dd, why be out late with ow instead of at home protecting her?

[Gigigirl]

Something to think about.

 

if these men say they are staying for thier kids, what is the home life like for these kids?

 

If he is able to lie enough to both his wife and himself to convince his kids that all is well and mom and dad love each other, then he is one heck of an accomplished actor and liar. If he is not ale to kepe up the facade, then what kind of life is it for the kids to see mom and dad miserable everyday and to know that "he only stayed because of me/us"? What kind of weight is that to place on small shoulders?

 

 

If he is staying because homelife is so terrible that the kids need him there to protect them, then there are two issues with this.

 

By staying, he is enabling that toxic state to continue. If his kids need him around all the time to kepe them safe from big, bad mommy, then how is he able to carve out time for an affair? To send hundreds of texts/email messgaes a month? to chat online for hours at a time? To steal days away to take trips with the ow or even a few hours a week to meet them?

 

Why is he not taking that time and emotional energy that he is diverting to the affair and using it to make his kid's lives better? To get the family into counseling? To find some way to get the kids out of that toxic environment? Even if they divorce and he gets to see the kids a few times a week in a safe and loving environment, then wouldn't that give them some normalcy?

 

Then there are the men who stay even after the kids are adults but still living at home or have left the home. The idea that they are staying for the kids then really doesn't wash, in fact, it's ludicrous.

 

But we are talking about a man who probably lied and future faked his OW to death so why can't he be skilled enough to fool his family into thinking he loves his wife?? A liar is a liar is a liar.

[Gigigirl]

Really? So I MADE my grown azz stbx lie to me? Put me at risk for stds? Live a double life? Then I guess he gets full credit for me being a faithful wife? How? He always knew it would be 50/50 custody if we split and no support payments of any kind. If he were so concerned about our dd, why be out late with ow instead of at home protecting her?

 

Ummm I don't know your sitaution, haven't read your backstory. All I said was that if we as parents love our kids more than ourselves or our spouses then why is staying for them such a ludicrous notion? It's like people here think that is just so impossible and unheard of.

 

You are going way left, I didn't speak to the character of a cheating man. "Why would he be out late with OW instead of protecting her" that's a little extra/dramatic, if we follow that line of thought anytime you leave your daughter anywhere without her dad she isn't being protected or loved? Even if you have a date night?

[purplesorrow]

Ummm I don't know your sitaution, haven't read your backstory. All I said was that if we as parents love our kids more than ourselves or our spouses then why is staying for them such a ludicrous notion? It's like people here think that is just so impossible and unheard of.

 

You are going way left, I didn't speak to the character of a cheating man. "Why would he be out late with OW instead of protecting her" that's a little extra/dramatic, if we follow that line of thought anytime you leave your daughter anywhere without her dad she isn't being protected or loved? Even if you have a date night?

 

Not left at all. Our daughter was sick. Being with ow wasn't somewhere he HAD to be. But if he were so concerned about a stable home, why rock the foundation?

[jbrent890]

Ummm I don't know your sitaution, haven't read your backstory. All I said was that if we as parents love our kids more than ourselves or our spouses then why is staying for them such a ludicrous notion? It's like people here think that is just so impossible and unheard of.

 

You are going way left, I didn't speak to the character of a cheating man. "Why would he be out late with OW instead of protecting her" that's a little extra/dramatic, if we follow that line of thought anytime you leave your daughter anywhere without her dad she isn't being protected or loved? Even if you have a date night?

 

But you have a WS on this site (Mrs John Adams) who said that her marriage is the most important thing in her life, more so than her children. I think what people are trying to say is don't say such broad statements. My mother has said countless times that her marriage to my father is the most important thing in her life and I don't take offense to that.

[Gigigirl]

The only important person (not all, a very small percent are actually good men) to a cheating MM is HIMSELF. He is the great 'pretender,' whenever it suits him. His kids are when it makes him look good. His wife is when it makes him look good. It is all about him, no one else.

 

That just sounds truly awful. I like to think most parents love their kids more than themselves, in that case I can believe it's easier to stay and make things work.

[purplesorrow]

That just sounds truly awful. I like to think most parents love their kids more than themselves, in that case I can believe it's easier to stay and make things work.

 

But they take the easy out of it after they cheat and their spouse finds out. Easy would have been working and fixing first. Leaving if they couldn't.

[Gigigirl]

But you have a WS on this site (Mrs John Adams) who said that her marriage is the most important thing in her life, more so than her children. I think what people are trying to say is don't say such broad statements. My mother has said countless times that her marriage to my father is the most important thing in her life and I don't take offense to that.

 

Ok that's your mom. I would never tell my kids that ANYTHING is more important than them... Your mom actually told you her marriage was the most important thing to her COUNTLESS TIMES, even before her children she gave birth to??? She loves a man more than her children? I'm am truly sorry if my opinion offends you but that is the saddest thing I have ever heard.

[Gigigirl]

Not left at all. Our daughter was sick. Being with ow wasn't somewhere he HAD to be. But if he were so concerned about a stable home, why rock the foundation?

 

I'm sorry to hear your child was sick during all this. Now WHY a man chooses to rock the foundation of a stable marriage instead of trying to fix it, I don't really know. I don't get into the why men cheat type of talks. The world may never know.

[minimariah]

You hear it over and over again that the MM/MW won't divorce to be with the OW/OM because of the kids but what happens once the kids grow up and move out and start families of their own?

 

here's a "divorced" kid perspective!

 

I was 17 when my parents divorced, my father was in love & wanted to be with his OW. I think I was very lucky because all three of them are very normal, emotionally mature and great people - that helped so much.

 

I was 12 when my father fell in love with his OW - he told everything to my mother, eventually. They agreed to stay married until I was 17 and then to divorce when I left for college abroad and... well, it's exactly how it happened.

 

I think it was a good decision, looking back. It was rocky, for sure. My mother was VERY hurt but she never showed it in front of me, she never trashed my father to me and those additional 5 years of "arranged" marriage actually helped them built a very new and strong friendship.

 

I'm happy they stayed together until I left. It was nice to have that "childhood" part of my life with all three of us together, you know?

 

as long as all parties involved are calm and mature people, everything should be just fine. it's easier to accept it when you're older... I think. you finally see your parents as HUMANS, who make mistakes and only want to be happy. so I understood my father - it's hard to let go of love once you find it, it's very hard to resist.

Edited February 12, 2015 by minimariah

[Gigigirl]

here's a "divorced" kid perspective!

 

I was 17 when my parents divorced, my father was in love & wanted to be with his OW. I think I was very lucky because all three of them are very normal, emotionally mature and great people - that helped so much.

 

I was 12 when my father fell in love with his OW - he told everything to my mother, eventually. They agreed to stay married until I was 17 and then to divorce when I left for college abroad and... well, it's exactly how it happened.

 

I think it was a good decision, looking back. It was rocky, for sure. My mother was VERY hurt but she never showed it in front of me, she never trashed my father to me and those additional 5 years of "arranged" marriage actually helped them built a very new and strong friendship.

 

I'm happy they stayed together until I left. It was nice to have that "childhood" part of my life with all three of us together, you know?

 

as long as all parties involved are calm and mature people, everything should be just fine. it's easier to accept it when you're older... I think. you finally see your parents as HUMANS, who make mistakes and only want to be happy. so I understood my father - it's hard to let go of love once you find it, it's very hard to resist.

 

Kudos to your mother for going through all that pain and still putting on a brace face for her child. Just further supports my views that children's happiness is first and foremost. Your mom was very mature and a special kind of woman to push thru that pain accept your dad fell in love with someone else. The problem is most BS's and OW star getting into competition with each other and the MM steadily lies so it makes it almost impossible for these types of situations to go smoothly. Just my opinion.

[stillmind]

Ok that's your mom. I would never tell my kids that ANYTHING is more important than them... Your mom actually told you her marriage was the most important thing to her COUNTLESS TIMES, even before her children she gave birth to??? She loves a man more than her children? I'm am truly sorry if my opinion offends you but that is the saddest thing I have ever heard.

 

I don't know if I agree with the phrasing but I prioritize my marriage. IMO a strong marriage is the foundation of our family.

[minimariah]

Kudos to your mother for going through all that pain and still putting on a brace face for her child. Just further supports my views that children's happiness is first and foremost. Your mom was very mature and a special kind of woman to push thru that pain accept your dad fell in love with someone else. The problem is most BS's and OW star getting into competition with each other and the MM steadily lies so it makes it almost impossible for these types of situations to go smoothly. Just my opinion.

 

kudos to both my mother and my father.

my father loved my mother very much and he didn't want to hurt her. her pain was his pain, too - it's not like he just happily told her he loved someone else. my father is a VERY responsible and mature man, a man with strong moral and principles - so when he did what he did... he shocked and hurted himself the most. i know this sounds like a bunch of BS right now, but... their divorce (ironically) helped me cope easier with the world, you know? i learned how to accept things you cannot change and play with the cards you got the best you can.

 

also, i can't ever look at my father as some kind of selfish bastard who left us and neither can my mother - this is a man who was a devoted companion to my mother and a fantastic father to me and when I look back at all those years... when I think about how much he did just to give me EVERYTHING... I can't look at him as a selfish monster. don't get me wrong - i don't justify his actions but i accepted it and him.

 

i agree with your last sentence - usually, it's hard to find TWO normal people, let alone more. i am aware of the fact that my situation was one in a million.

[Gigigirl]

I don't know if I agree with the phrasing but I prioritize my marriage. IMO a strong marriage is the foundation of our family.

 

Ok but that poster mentioned another person who said their marriage WAS more important to them, even more so than their children. That same poster also mentioned his mother TOLD him this countless times. That is so not cool in my opinion.

 

You are saying a strong marriage is the foundation for your family, and you prioritize your marriage based on that. You are not saying my marriage is the most important thing in my life, above my kids.

 

And even if a woman did feel that way...why tell your children that?? I mean really??

 

A husband nor a wife comes before A CHILD. Yall need to stop it. I have never heard this type of stuff in REAL life, only on here. Just wow.

 

Honestly that sounds like something a woman who needs a man/marriage to validate her would say. It's like those desperate women who put a mans needs before their child. Gross.

[minimariah]

I could not remain in that type of marriage. I would take the chance at finding a new man, one who did not tell me he loved another and was staying for the children. I can take care of my children on my own. But we are all different in what we can withstand.

 

of course, every situation is different and my parents did what they thought was the best for me and them. neither one of them stayed celibate during those extra years of their marriage - my mother dated and my father was with his OW. of course, they did it very discreetly and respectively.

 

today - my father is remarried to his OW and my mother is in a three years young relationship with a man she's in love with.

[stillmind]

Gigi, I feel like you're taking this to the extreme. Putting the husband/wife relationship first doesn't mean letting your kids sleep in a dirty cardboard box in the yard while the parents dine on surf and turf by candlelight. For me it means making sure that there is room for communication, sex, love and bonding between us at the expense of kids in the bed, etc. I don't think I would be doing our kids any favors by disregarding my husband's needs. We spend tons of family time together and take a fun family outing at least 2x a week, but we also have a kid free bedroom and kid free Friday dates.