what happens after the kids leave

[GreySkyMorning]

Ok but that poster mentioned another person who said their marriage WAS more important to them, even more so than their children. That same poster also mentioned his mother TOLD him this countless times. That is so not cool in my opinion.

 

You are saying a strong marriage is the foundation for your family, and you prioritize your marriage based on that. You are not saying my marriage is the most important thing in my life, above my kids.

 

And even if a woman did feel that way...why tell your children that?? I mean really??

 

A husband nor a wife comes before A CHILD. Yall need to stop it. I have never heard this type of stuff in REAL life, only on here. Just wow.

 

Honestly that sounds like something a woman who needs a man/marriage to validate her would say. It's like those desperate women who put a mans needs before their child. Gross.

 

Absolutely, marriage comes as the top priority. I'm not married yet, but we're close. We live together with my two teenagers. The number one thing I can give my kids is the foundation of a healthy loving home, with the modeling of what a healthy romantic successful marriage looks like. I didn't do that with my first marriage and it (and my children) suffered because of it. You have this concept in your head that making your spouse first in your life means neglecting the kids or something. It doesn't.

[Gigigirl]

Gigi, I feel like you're taking this to the extreme. Putting the husband/wife relationship first doesn't mean letting your kids sleep in a dirty cardboard box in the yard while the parents dine on surf and turf by candlelight. For me it means making sure that there is room for communication, sex, love and bonding between us at the expense of kids in the bed, etc. I don't think I would be doing our kids any favors by disregarding my husband's needs. We spend tons of family time together and take a fun family outing at least 2x a week, but we also have a kid free bedroom and kid free Friday dates.

 

That is not what I am saying. Yes it is very important to meet your partners needs as well as your kids. However the post I responded to specifically said that marriage was more important to the wife then her children and that she TOLD them this. I would never tell my kids this, I can meet my partners needs and kids needs but when you start prioritizing your spouse above your kids or saying that you marriage is most important to you above your kids I can't get with that. We can agree to disagree.

[Gigigirl]

Absolutely, marriage comes as the top priority. I'm not married yet, but we're close. We live together with my two teenagers. The number one thing I can give my kids is the foundation of a healthy loving home, with the modeling of what a healthy romantic successful marriage looks like. I didn't do that with my first marriage and it (and my children) suffered because of it. You have this concept in your head that making your spouse first in your life means neglecting the kids or something. It doesn't.

 

Soooo your marriage and building your relationship is TOP priority so what does that make your kids? Second? Listen to how that sounds.

 

I believe spouses and kids are EQUALLY important, one doesn't come before the other...To say your spouse comes first before your child just doesn't sit well, I don't care how you dress it up.

[jbrent890]

That is not what I am saying. Yes it is very important to meet your partners needs as well as your kids. However the post I responded to specifically said that marriage was more important to the wife then her children and that she TOLD them this. I would never tell my kids this, I can meet my partners needs and kids needs but when you start prioritizing your spouse above your kids or saying that you marriage is most important to you above your kids I can't get with that. We can agree to disagree.

 

Now you're twisting my words. The conversation I had with my mother was before I got married. At the time, my parents were married for 30 years and I asked her how they did it? Neither one has cheated on each other. Till this day they still have weekly date nights and go on vacations together. Because they put their marriage first, I was able to grow up in a loving home and also saw how married people should treat each other. There is absolutely nothing wrong with prioritizing your spouse. Not doing it is how you get cheated on or worse causes you to cheat. Not to throw stones, but I'm looking at your mentality and your situation. You have had multiple EAs. Not to sound condescending, but maybe you should start prioritizing your BF a little more.

[anika99]

That just sounds truly awful. I like to think most parents love their kids more than themselves, in that case I can believe it's easier to stay and make things work.

 

 

A cheating man does not love his kids more than he loves himself. If he did he would never bring that kind of pain into his household.

[anika99]

Ok that's your mom. I would never tell my kids that ANYTHING is more important than them... Your mom actually told you her marriage was the most important thing to her COUNTLESS TIMES, even before her children she gave birth to??? She loves a man more than her children? I'm am truly sorry if my opinion offends you but that is the saddest thing I have ever heard.

 

 

I think you are misinterpreting prioritizing the marriage over the children. Married people should give the marriage first priority. That doesn't mean that they will neglect their children or not take care of them. When people prioritize their spouse their marriage is solid. When the marriage is solid the family is solid and the kids are happy. When a parent consistently puts their children ahead of their spouse the neglected spouse becomes resentful. Fights, tension and general unhappiness infects the whole family and the marriage is at risk. People can be married for 40 or 50 years but they only have their kids at home for about 18-22 yrs. Once the kids move out the parents only have each other. The marriage should be the most important relationship. That is not sad or somehow abusive to children.

[minimariah]

There is absolutely nothing wrong with prioritizing your spouse. Not doing it is how you get cheated on or worse causes you to cheat.

 

ehhhhh, you can prioritize aaaaall you want and STILL get cheated on/cheat. my grandparents were married for 65 years, until the day they died & they died 2 months apart from each other - not because they prioritized their marriage (they had 9 children & worked in field all day so no vacations and weekly dates for them) but because they were right for each other. now, don't get me wrong - marriage definitely takes work and you should never take it for granted and you & your spouse should always nourish your relationship... but in my opinion, that fails when you aren't with the right person. when i look around and see cheating... i can say it's rarely because a couple doesn't work on their relationship. it's because the spark & that natural connection no work can create - simply isn't there. you either have it or you don't.

 

there is nothing wrong with prioritizing your spouse but there is definitely something off about putting your spouse before your kids. in fact, there is something weird about people even comparing those two types of relationship - it's like some can't multitask their married life & parenting so they feel like they have to choose between the two. BUT i'm sure your mother didn't mean it in a "you kids are less worthy than my husband" tone - so i agree with her in terms that you should never take your spouse for granted and always think about him or her 1st.

 

congrats to your folks for being in a loving marriage so long!

and their dates are really cute.

Edited February 13, 2015 by minimariah

[jellybean89]

Soooo your marriage and building your relationship is TOP priority so what does that make your kids? Second? Listen to how that sounds.

 

I believe spouses and kids are EQUALLY important, one doesn't come before the other...To say your spouse comes first before your child just doesn't sit well, I don't care how you dress it up.

 

Every family is different. What works for 1 doesn't mean it will work for others. You don't get to decide how people love. There doesn't have to be "I love xyz MORE than abc". It's called priorities.

 

And making children your world doesn't teach them anything except self centeredness, that they are all that's important and it beings into society more and more generations of these selfish, egotistical "me, me me" people.

[Josmatjes]

My exMM once told me if his wife found again about his infidelities once again since he has done it over the years, that she would 'kill' him and 'kill' me. He actually said this so I think I dodged a very dysfunctional crazy scenerio with his wife. I do not need her unstable actions near my beautiful family.

If it would play out in a mature stable way it may be different regarding my reception of such events.

 

My exmms wife is nuts too! I mean totally crazy, not mature at all. She is abusive to him and even to her friends, I used to be one of them. She is a good mom but has no filter with her disgusting potty mouth. I don't want them near my family either.....

[MissBee]

You hear it over and over again that the MM/MW won't divorce to be with the OW/OM because of the kids but what happens once the kids grow up and move out and start families of their own?

 

What are your experiences with that?

For the OW/OM, did you wait for their kids to grow up and what happened afterwards?

For the MM/MW, did you or someone you know stay married or divorce after the kids left? If you/they stayed married, what was the new reason for staying? Is it still the kids, even though they are adults now? Is it comfort/familiarity? Not wanting to start over? Or what?

 

None of this was an issue in my A.

 

But I'd say that if what you want is for them to leave and have an open life with you, YOU have to set your own boundaries. They have their kids, dog, mortgage, whatever else, that's fine, but just like any other R, sometimes what you and the other person want or your life paths aren't syncing and it means moving on. I don't think with a MP it should be different. You don't have to accept anything you don't want to or wait indefinitely.

 

I understand if the kids are almost adults or it will be a short time before they leave, say 2-3 years tops, but to be waiting for example, in my case, while him leaving and all that was not an issue, he did have a child who was 5 when we started out and no way in hell would I have waited until his child grew up and became an adult...lol even the thought sounds insane.

[truncated]

But we are talking about a man who probably lied and future faked his OW to death so why can't he be skilled enough to fool his family into thinking he loves his wife?? A liar is a liar is a liar.

 

 

i agree...but only to a point.

 

An ow only sees mm for a small portion of his life. He is very careful about what he shows her, and there plenty of stories told on here by ow who say, oce the affair is over " how could I not see what he was"?

 

. Some men are able to love their wife very much and still cheat on them and have zero intention of ever leaving her. I'm not saying that kind of love is okay, but it does happen.

[truncated]

kudos to both my mother and my father.

my father loved my mother very much and he didn't want to hurt her. her pain was his pain, too - it's not like he just happily told her he loved someone else. my father is a VERY responsible and mature man, a man with strong moral and principles - so when he did what he did... he shocked and hurted himself the most. i know this sounds like a bunch of BS right now, but... their divorce (ironically) helped me cope easier with the world, you know? i learned how to accept things you cannot change and play with the cards you got the best you can.

 

also, i can't ever look at my father as some kind of selfish bastard who left us and neither can my mother - this is a man who was a devoted companion to my mother and a fantastic father to me and when I look back at all those years... when I think about how much he did just to give me EVERYTHING... I can't look at him as a selfish monster. don't get me wrong - i don't justify his actions but i accepted it and him.

 

i agree with your last sentence - usually, it's hard to find TWO normal people, let alone more. i am aware of the fact that my situation was one in a million.

 

 

So it was okay for your mother to go through all that pain ( and based on what i have seen in the families of friends who have been through the same thing, you have zero idea what she would have gone through) and ask her to martyr herself for al those years?

 

His disappointment in himslef is nothing compared to what he asked her to endure. Are you okay with that?

[truncated]

ehhhhh, you can prioritize aaaaall you want and STILL get cheated on/cheat. my grandparents were married for 65 years, until the day they died & they died 2 months apart from each other - not because they prioritized their marriage (they had 9 children & worked in field all day so no vacations and weekly dates for them) but because they were right for each other. now, don't get me wrong - marriage definitely takes work and you should never take it for granted and you & your spouse should always nourish your relationship... but in my opinion, that fails when you aren't with the right person. when i look around and see cheating... i can say it's rarely because a couple doesn't work on their relationship. it's because the spark & that natural connection no work can create - simply isn't there. you either have it or you don't.

 

there is nothing wrong with prioritizing your spouse but there is definitely something off about putting your spouse before your kids. in fact, there is something weird about people even comparing those two types of relationship - it's like some can't multitask their married life & parenting so they feel like they have to choose between the two. BUT i'm sure your mother didn't mean it in a "you kids are less worthy than my husband" tone - so i agree with her in terms that you should never take your spouse for granted and always think about him or her 1st.

 

congrats to your folks for being in a loving marriage so long!

and their dates are really cute.

 

 

You are making a very broad statement and assuming that all people who cheat do so for the same reason. your scenario is probably correct in some circumstances, but cheating can happen for as many reasons as their are people who do it.

 

For example, in the support group my husabnd and I joined after our daughter was gone, one of the facilitators mentioned that couples experiencing extremely high levels of stress can often experience infidleity, which is irrespective of how they feel towards one another. It's almost a form of lashing out at something they can't control.

 

Other people cheat because of mental health issues, addiction and substance abuse issues, poor behvaior learned from their parents, close proximity to someone of the opposite sex at work, the abiltity to put casual sex into one box and love into another and to lie to get that sex, "midlife crisis", an addictive personality, a need to engage in risk taking behvaior ( some people skydive, some cheat) and the list goes on and on.

 

Sure, some may have lost 'the spark', but for others, it's still there. this is why they beg their wives not to leave them and are so very cruel about letting the bus run over ow without even giivng them a decent explaination or a even a compassionate goodbye.

[minimariah]

So it was okay for your mother to go through all that pain ( and based on what i have seen in the families of friends who have been through the same thing, you have zero idea what she would have gone through) and ask her to martyr herself for al those years?

 

His disappointment in himslef is nothing compared to what he asked her to endure. Are you okay with that?

 

did you even read my posts? no, he didn't ask her to do anything - those last 5 years of "arranged" marriage were actually her idea & he agreed to it. and yes, i am okay with that. why shouldn't i be? my parents are grown people and they are responsible for their own lives - no one forced them to do anything. my mother could've easily divorced my father, too. but she didn't. she made her own choices and so did my father - and they had to live with it.

 

also - you don't know what I've been through in my own life so you really can't say that i have zero idea what my mother went through.

[minimariah]

You are making a very broad statement and assuming that all people who cheat do so for the same reason.

 

no, i'm not. where in my post did i write "ALL" people?

i'm not assuming anything at all. my point was this - you can work very hard on your relationship and the relationship can still fail because you don't have that natural spark or natural connection. i never said that's why ALL people cheat or that's why everyone gets cheated on. my point was that ONLY "hard work" won't save your relationship - you need much more than that.

 

your scenario is probably correct in some circumstances, but cheating can happen for as many reasons as their are people who do it.

 

again, i am aware of that. i never mentioned my "scenario" as the only possible scenario happening.

 

Sure, some may have lost 'the spark', but for others, it's still there. this is why they beg their wives not to leave them and are so very cruel about letting the bus run over ow without even giivng them a decent explaination or a even a compassionate goodbye.

 

i disagree with this part - in my experience, cheating spouses very rarely stay because they love their significant other - they stay because they love the LIFE with their significant other. they stay because they really don't want to step into the unknown and see their kids every other weekend, they stay because they don't want to move out or having to find new friends. they stay because, well... it's easier that way. because they feel guilty and want to do the right thing. now, i'm not saying that's why EVERYONE stays, but a lot of them sure do. VERY rarely (at least from my experience) do people come back because of the feelings they have for the spouse. and again, i'm not saying that doesn't happen - i'm sure there are some people who screw up and genuinely love their spouse - i'm just speaking from my experience with married couples.

Edited February 13, 2015 by minimariah

[truncated]

did you even read my posts? no, he didn't ask her to do anything - those last 5 years of "arranged" marriage were actually her idea & he agreed to it. and yes, i am okay with that. why shouldn't i be? my parents are grown people and they are responsible for their own lives - no one forced them to do anything. my mother could've easily divorced my father, too. but she didn't. she made her own choices and so did my father - and they had to live with it.

 

also - you don't know what I've been through in my own life so you really can't say that i have zero idea what my mother went through.

 

 

She endured her own experinces, and no, you don't know how she felt.

 

Also, do you really think that she would tell you how much pain she may have been in? I'm not saying it's your fault or that she didn;t choose it, only that it would likley have been an intensely painful thing for her to go through, even if she doesn't tell you that.

 

Why, if people assume that a mm would stay for the kids no matter how unhappy he might be, that a bs wouldn;t do the same? Sure, she might be happy now, but that doesn;t mean it wasn;t painful for her.

 

ALso, what kind of model did they provide for you of a healthy adult relationship? Did they tell you they were only staying together for you, or did they keep up the pretense of being a happily married couple? What did this teach you about adult romantic relationships?

[elaine567]

... in my experience, cheating spouses very rarely stay because they love their significant other -

 

they stay because they love the LIFE with their significant other.

they stay because they really don't want to step into the unknown and see their kids every other weekend,

they stay because they don't want to move out or having to find new friends.

(they stay) because they feel guilty and want to do the right thing.

they stay because, well... it's easier that way.

 

now, i'm not saying that's why EVERYONE stays, but a lot of them sure do.

VERY rarely (at least from my experience) do people come back because of the feelings they have for the spouse.

and again, i'm not saying that doesn't happen - i'm sure there are some people who screw up and genuinely love their spouse

- i'm just speaking from my experience with married couples.

 

I have a feeling that there may be some uncomfortable truths there.

[truncated]

 

 

i disagree with this part - in my experience, cheating spouses very rarely stay because they love their significant other - they stay because they love the LIFE with their significant other. they stay because they really don't want to step into the unknown and see their kids every other weekend, they stay because they don't want to move out or having to find new friends. they stay because, well... it's easier that way. because they feel guilty and want to do the right thing. now, i'm not saying that's why EVERYONE stays, but a lot of them sure do. VERY rarely (at least from my experience) do people come back because of the feelings they have for the spouse. and again, i'm not saying that doesn't happen - i'm sure there are some people who screw up and genuinely love their spouse - i'm just speaking from my experience with married couples.

 

 

Your experinces are valid for you, but i respetfully suggest that there are many cases ( more than just a few) hwere the ws does love his wife.

 

Ask a married person who chose to stay how they feel a few months out of maiking that decision. some will say they are unhappy, and many will be very happy and love their spouse.

 

here's a few sources to back up my statements.

 

 

Infidelity in Marriage - Cheating Statistics - Woman's Day

 

65 Interesting Facts about Affairs

 

Washingtonpost.com: Health

 

Can My Marriage Survive an Affair? | First Things First

 

Is your husband having an affair actually proof that he loves you? | Daily Mail Online

 

Do Men Who Cheat Love Their Wives? -

( okay, the last one is a little "fluffy":laugh:, but it does make some good points)

[stillmind]

i disagree with this part - in my experience, cheating spouses very rarely stay because they love their significant other - they stay because they love the LIFE with their significant other. they stay because they really don't want to step into the unknown and see their kids every other weekend, they stay because they don't want to move out or having to find new friends. they stay because, well... it's easier that way. because they feel guilty and want to do the right thing. now, i'm not saying that's why EVERYONE stays, but a lot of them sure do. VERY rarely (at least from my experience) do people come back because of the feelings they have for the spouse. and again, i'm not saying that doesn't happen - i'm sure there are some people who screw up and genuinely love their spouse - i'm just speaking from my experience with married couples.

 

Ultimately I don't think it matters whether the cheating spouse is staying out of love for BS or not. You made some good points that I think drive home the reason why most affairs fail: the AP is asking the cheater to throw away the life they have built for love, and for most WS, no matter how strong their love for AP the upheaval is just not worth it. Are they staying because they love their wife or because they love their life? It doesn't matter, it all comes to the same thing.

[cocorico]

i

An ow only sees mm for a small portion of his life. He is very careful about what he shows her, and there plenty of stories told on here by ow who say, oce the affair is over " how could I not see what he was"?

 

 

...just as there are plenty of stories told on the infidelity board of BS saying exactly the same thing.

 

In *some* cases, OW see only a small portion of MM's life. In other cases, it's the OW he shares his dreams, hopes, and inner life with, and leaves the BS with only a hollow shell.

 

In other cases, it's the other way around.

 

The WS who invests their authentic self with the AP rather than the BS is more likely to leave for the AP once the kids have grown, since they can then shake off the increasingly ill-fitting role that the M has straitjacketed them into.

 

The WS who is simply augmenting their otherwise-OK M with a bit of extra is unlikely to leave, unless thrown out.

[truncated]

...just as there are plenty of stories told on the infidelity board of BS saying exactly the same thing.

 

In *some* cases, OW see only a small portion of MM's life. In other cases, it's the OW he shares his dreams, hopes, and inner life with, and leaves the BS with only a hollow shell.

 

In other cases, it's the other way around.

 

The WS who invests their authentic self with the AP rather than the BS is more likely to leave for the AP once the kids have grown, since they can then shake off the increasingly ill-fitting role that the M has straitjacketed them into.

 

The WS who is simply augmenting their otherwise-OK M with a bit of extra is unlikely to leave, unless thrown out.

 

Statistics show that very few men leave for their other woman, even after the kids ahve grown up at left, which makes the notion of "staying for the kids" moot.

 

An awfu lot of men who cheat ( but from what studies show, not so much with women who do) don't really know what their "authentic self", a pop psychology Dr. Phil style term, is at all.

 

The idea that his ow helps him find his "authentic self" would make her his pseudo therapist, which is not a position most women want to be in. They wnat to be someone's love, not their counselor.

 

Besides, who's to say that the perosn he is with when he's with the ow is really who he is. The ow? Sounds more like she is simply seeing what she wnats him to be, putting him in a box, just the way she claims his ball and chain does. Not to mention the fact that if the afair shows him his true self, it is, then that means that being a sneaky liar is part of who he is- unless he was already like that.

[minimariah]

Also, do you really think that she would tell you how much pain she may have been in? I'm not saying it's your fault or that she didn;t choose it, only that it would likley have been an intensely painful thing for her to go through, even if she doesn't tell you that.

 

i don't think you understand what i tried to say in my earlier post - maybe i had the very same or similar experience as my mother & already dealt with even worse betrayal than she did so i might actually understand what she's been through & sympathize with her? of course i can't know EVERYTHING she felt but i think i have a pretty good idea.

 

Why, if people assume that a mm would stay for the kids no matter how unhappy he might be, that a bs wouldn;t do the same? Sure, she might be happy now, but that doesn;t mean it wasn;t painful for her.

 

not really sure what you're trying to say here because i never said that it wasn't painful for her - in fact, it was painful for both of them. it was their decision and no, they didn't stay together ONLY for me - they had many other reasons. i never said it was all happy and perfect and peachy BUT they did what they did & i'm sure they did the best they could.

 

ALso, what kind of model did they provide for you of a healthy adult relationship? Did they tell you they were only staying together for you, or did they keep up the pretense of being a happily married couple? What did this teach you about adult romantic relationships?

 

my parents never pretended but i never really payed attention. i don't know about you but when i was 12, i couldn't care less about my parents marital problems. they never fought or showed their troubles in front of me so i was used to seeing them hug & kiss and get along and i was used to that... peace that we had in our household. my folks were always close & they remained to be close and rebuilded their relationship in those five years. of course i noticed changes in their relationship when i got older and how they went from very obvious lovers to friends - and that's when i started asking questions. so we talked and we talked and we talked until we discussed everything & until they made sure i got it all figured out.

 

what did this teach me?

why do you think that it was supposed to teach me anything at all?

 

my opinions on relationships & love are based on my own experiences. no, they didn't "ruin" me for my love life and i never grew up in an unhealthy environment. they tought me that heartbreak isn't something you can't survive, it's not a tragedy. they also tought me a lot about forgiveness and moving on and friendship after hurt & betrayal. they tought me COMMUNICATION - how to communicate with each other, they taught me the importance of HONESTY when it comes to feelings. my parents had and still have an amazing relationship. it went from friendship to romance & parenting and now back to friendship. it also taught me that you really can't divide people and put them in little boxes with name tags & judge them accordingly. a lot of people crave truth but when you're being honest - they can't handle it. my father was very honest with my mother & he told her right away when he started having feelings for this other woman. it's not like they didn't try to fix their marriage and relationship - they did - but the heart wants what the heart wants.

 

at least for me, at the end of the day - it was definitely a good decision.

[minimariah]

Ask a married person who chose to stay how they feel a few months out of maiking that decision. some will say they are unhappy, and many will be very happy and love their spouse.

 

what they tell you really doesn't mean anything.

i will respectfully disagree with you and from my experiences (and i work with couples in therapy) in only 5% of all those situations - the cheating spouse loves the one they cheated on & stay for that love. in those other 95% love is the very last thing on the list of all the reasons they stay with their wife/husband.

 

my point was - if your spouse decides to stay with you, that doesn't mean that they love you the way the spouses should love each other. my father loved my mother, for example - and he still loves her. but he loves her as someone he spent nearly 20 beautiful years with, he loves her as someone he has many memories with, as a mother of his child, as his friend. he doesn't love her romantically anymore and i think that's true in a lot of marriages and THAT is exactly why people have such a hard time leaving. it's easy to leave a bad and miserable marriage. it's never easy to leave a good marriage that lacks only "one" things (good sex, passion etc).

 

i don't think people realize how hard divorce is sometimes. when you divorce, you don't just dump your spouse - you need to get yourself a new place to live, you only see and visit your children 50% of the time, you will probably lose a bunch of your friends if the affair is in the question, you will probably lose support from your family because they'll be disappointed, problems if you're religious etc. all those things are hard and people think they can do it but when really confronted with the damage - they retreat and come crawling back home. it's more out of fear than it is out of love.

 

when you remove the kids and that piece of paper that tells you you're married - just how many spouses would actually stay? not many, trust me.

 

it's a "too good to leave but too bad to stay" type of situation.

but i will repeat myself - i'm only speaking from my experiences with married couples and infidelity. there is around 7 billion of us living and breathing, after all & life writes some amazing stories.

Edited February 13, 2015 by minimariah

[elaine567]

 

i don't think people realize how hard divorce is sometimes.

 

when you divorce, you don't just dump your spouse -

you need to get yourself a new place to live,

you only see and visit your children 50% of the time,

you will probably lose support from your family because they'll be disappointed, problems if you're religious etc.

 

I guess that is why some people end up in affairs rather than walking away too.

[the_artist_1970]

kudos to both my mother and my father.

my father loved my mother very much and he didn't want to hurt her. her pain was his pain, too - it's not like he just happily told her he loved someone else. my father is a VERY responsible and mature man, a man with strong moral and principles - so when he did what he did... he shocked and hurted himself the most. i know this sounds like a bunch of BS right now, but... their divorce (ironically) helped me cope easier with the world, you know? i learned how to accept things you cannot change and play with the cards you got the best you can.

 

also, i can't ever look at my father as some kind of selfish bastard who left us and neither can my mother - this is a man who was a devoted companion to my mother and a fantastic father to me and when I look back at all those years... when I think about how much he did just to give me EVERYTHING... I can't look at him as a selfish monster. don't get me wrong - i don't justify his actions but i accepted it and him.

 

i agree with your last sentence - usually, it's hard to find TWO normal people, let alone more. i am aware of the fact that my situation was one in a million.

 

You and your mother are two of the most understanding people in the world. So your dad had a woman on the side and your mother lived in a marriage where she shared her husband with another woman and didn't mind? For five years she tolerated that and knew it? Only to be divorced after five years, in order for her child to have two parents in the home. I feel really sorry for your mom. She may have never showed you how much that hurt her but I can guarantee you that she was in severe pain. I hope she found someone who could love her, who was honest, who she didn't have to share after your dad left. My heart goes out to your dear mom.