JellyBabie Posted February 11, 2015 Share Posted February 11, 2015 First of all, I just want to say I'm a really low-key person, so it's weird for me to find myself in a situation that feels like it's part of a soap opera but there you go... I'm in my mid-twenties and have been friends with the woman in this story since we were 7 or 8. We pretty much grew up together. A few years ago, we were both in long term relationships with men. Mine lasted 5-ish years, hers maybe 3. We both ended up breaking up with our partners in the same year (about a year and a half ago now). Neither of us have had relationships since then, but I became close with her ex through texting. At first it was completely innocent, then something changed and I started to feel a little guilty because I was hiding it from my friend. It evolved over about a year from a friendship to daily messaging to sexy pictures and finally after a drunken night a few months ago, to sex. I've kept everything secret, and so has he. I'm a busy person and I don't want a relationship, sex and hanging out works great for me & he seems to enjoy it also. We see each other maybe 3 times per week. Most of the time I don't feel guilty, but occasionally my friend will bring up her ex and I do feel bad. She doesn't have feelings for him anymore, but they were still together for years. Am I just totally terrible? I love the freedom of this FWB thing, without all of the hassle and responsibility of a relationship. I just know my friend would be incredibly hurt if she knew and that makes me sad. I guess I'm just looking for thoughts & opinions. Am I the ****tiest person ever? Would you do things differently? Link to post Share on other sites
Standard-Fare Posted February 11, 2015 Share Posted February 11, 2015 Without judging you or shaming you, here's a fact: You made a progression of choices that repeatedly confirmed that you value the flirtation and f*ck-buddy relationship with this guy above your friendship with this girl. The full progression would be to enjoy your relationship with the guy and accept the inevitable damage (and possible loss) of your friendship. The only way your friend wouldn't find out about this is that you cut off the f*ck-buddy relationship soon and it somehow magically remains buried in secrecy. How would you feel about that outcome, in terms of both losing the f*ck-buddy and locking up that secret for years to come? The other, more realistic, outcome is that your friend finds out. Either soon or down the road, and regardless of whether this guy remains in your life. You already know your friend will be devastated, and you can't change that. The only factor that's in your control is whether she finds out from YOU. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted February 11, 2015 Share Posted February 11, 2015 Why don't you come right out and ask her if she has a problem with you hooking up with her ex because he texted you up or something and you were thinking about it. Then respect her wishes if you respect the friendship with her. But yea if you could have done it differently then you really should have asked her before you went and sex with him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CrystalShine2011 Posted February 11, 2015 Share Posted February 11, 2015 Mistakes are made, you can't go back. Don't be so hard on yourself! I would come out and tell your friend, ask if it will ruin your relationship with her...and just tell her that you never meant to be in that situation or hurt her. Perhaps she will understand. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted February 12, 2015 Share Posted February 12, 2015 In my 20s, my best friend of 17 years traded in our friendship for a one-niter with the guy I was in love with while we were on what would have been a temporary time-out. I kicked her out of my life forever and don't regret it. That was 35 years ago and he and I went to a concert together last night. Though I was very angry at him and we have much water under the bridge, I was able to forgive him eventually because he didn't know me as well but only a few months, where she knew exactly how devastating that would be for me. He and I ended up having to get used to being friends again because we were in the same profession on parallel career paths. I kicked her out of the apartment and my life. I won't keep someone around I have trusted with all my most intimate feelings who then is willing to betray me like that. It's no small deal. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
SpiralOut Posted February 12, 2015 Share Posted February 12, 2015 Well you can't keep it a secret anymore, that's for sure. Everybody makes mistakes sometimes.... but the longer you continue on without saying anything, the harder it will be for her to forgive you. Link to post Share on other sites
Toodaloo Posted February 12, 2015 Share Posted February 12, 2015 Why not just say you saw him out the other day and you were thinking about ringing him or something. Keep it low key then you know what her reaction is likely to be. When I was younger we would boyfriend swop all the time. Just because a great guy didn't get on with me romanticly doesn't mean he should be thrown away - so I passed him on to friends who may get on better! Thankfully my friends did the same 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted February 12, 2015 Share Posted February 12, 2015 A 5 year relationship is very serious and your friend will be devastated. What you and your friends ex are doing is not a mistake but a choice to betray your friend. I would most definitely cut both of you from my life and never look back. There are too many other men out there to hook up with than to destroy my friend. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author JellyBabie Posted February 13, 2015 Author Share Posted February 13, 2015 I don't know, maybe I'm wrong but a lot of you sound really dramatic about it. Why is it that after two people have been together, their partners are off limits forever even if it's a done deal and they'll never be together again? What's the deal with that? I just don't buy all of this stuff about people being 'destroyed'. If one of my friends were to want to be with an ex of mine, I really wouldn't care. I don't want them, that's why we're not together... Link to post Share on other sites
Standard-Fare Posted February 13, 2015 Share Posted February 13, 2015 I don't know, maybe I'm wrong but a lot of you sound really dramatic about it. Why is it that after two people have been together, their partners are off limits forever even if it's a done deal and they'll never be together again? What's the deal with that? I just don't buy all of this stuff about people being 'destroyed'. If one of my friends were to want to be with an ex of mine, I really wouldn't care. I don't want them, that's why we're not together... I think the reality, whether it's rational or not, is that it's never too pleasant to see an ex from a serious relationship with a new person. People's emotions on that run the gamut from a twinge of jealousy or regret to full-blown pain, but you can classify it all as "not pleasant. OP, think honestly about how you'd feel if this scenario was reversed and you found out this friend was sleeping that ex of yours from the five-year relationship. Woud you give her your full blessing? But if you really feel the way you say, I don't know why you're even fretting about your friend's reaction. If you don't think you're in the wrong you should be able to stand by this. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted February 13, 2015 Share Posted February 13, 2015 I don't know, maybe I'm wrong but a lot of you sound really dramatic about it. Why is it that after two people have been together, their partners are off limits forever even if it's a done deal and they'll never be together again? What's the deal with that? I just don't buy all of this stuff about people being 'destroyed'. If one of my friends were to want to be with an ex of mine, I really wouldn't care. I don't want them, that's why we're not together... If you really mean what you say you should have no problem telling your friend that you are having sex with her ex. Go tell her. Link to post Share on other sites
O'Malley Posted February 13, 2015 Share Posted February 13, 2015 (edited) Did your friend confide in you about this guy and their relationship? Look to you for advice and support? Trusting you as a friend and confidante when she had issues with this ex, then discovering you're now sleeping with him - yeah, that's probably not going to go over well. She might not be interested in him anymore, but feelings don't exist in a vacuum; these kinds of situations involve way too much backstory and awkwardness. You're not some third party who had no connection to their relationship. Too may strings attached for this to be a no strings fwb. Best case scenario for you is after the fling fizzles out, your friend never finds out about it. If her and the ex keep in touch, though, you can't count on that. Either way, you went into this without really considering the the effect it could have on your friendship of nearly 20 years. Edited February 13, 2015 by O'Malley 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Standard-Fare Posted February 13, 2015 Share Posted February 13, 2015 Either way' date=' you went into this without really considering the the effect it could have on your friendship of nearly 20 years.[/quote'] Yep. That's the thing. OP, you did what you wanted to do, and that's fine, but now you seem to be saying "It's not fair!" about the inevitable consequence, which is that your longtime friend will be hurt. You can't have your cake and eat it, too. You can't have the f*ck buddy AND the untarnished friendship. You know your friend, we don't, so you have the best idea of how she'll respond. But at least in your original post, you seemed worried that it wasn't going to go over well. Link to post Share on other sites
darkbloom Posted February 13, 2015 Share Posted February 13, 2015 The issue here isn't that you had sex with her ex-boyfriend. It's that you hid it from her and are currently lying by omission. I don't think it would have been a big deal if you would have talked to her about it, but when (not if) she finds out, you are going to have to deal with the consequences. Any relationship is built on trust and you will have broken that. I would make sure your friend hears it from you first. Then you will have to build your trust back with her if she gives you another shot. But yikes, honesty is ALWAYS the best policy. Always. Link to post Share on other sites
minimariah Posted February 13, 2015 Share Posted February 13, 2015 (edited) I don't know, maybe I'm wrong but a lot of you sound really dramatic about it. Why is it that after two people have been together, their partners are off limits forever even if it's a done deal and they'll never be together again? What's the deal with that? I just don't buy all of this stuff about people being 'destroyed'. If one of my friends were to want to be with an ex of mine, I really wouldn't care. I don't want them, that's why we're not together... if it's not a big deal - why are you keeping it a secret? why didn't you tell your friend about this entire FWB thing you have going on with her ex - boyfriend? i mean, if you kept quiet about it - you clearly know she will be hurt so it obviously IS a big deal, even to you. if i was her, i would be hurt and i would stop trusting you because you kept everything a secret. that's what people hate, not the fact that you're sleeping with their ex. i assume your friend will also be hurt because she'll probably (among other things) start questioning did anything happened when their relationship was still on. it's a tricky position - when you found out stuff like that, you cannot stop wondering when did the attraction start, did he think about you while he was still with her... blah, blah... you get the picture. so yeah, the situation might be a little awkward. it will get even more awkward if you fall in love and start something serious with this dude. Edited February 13, 2015 by minimariah Link to post Share on other sites
snowflakes88 Posted February 14, 2015 Share Posted February 14, 2015 I don't know, maybe I'm wrong but a lot of you sound really dramatic about it. Why is it that after two people have been together, their partners are off limits forever even if it's a done deal and they'll never be together again? What's the deal with that? I just don't buy all of this stuff about people being 'destroyed'. If one of my friends were to want to be with an ex of mine, I really wouldn't care. I don't want them, that's why we're not together... If you really felt this way, you wouldn't be hiding it from her. Link to post Share on other sites
Eternal Sunshine Posted February 14, 2015 Share Posted February 14, 2015 This makes me Out of all the men in the world, you have to sleep with your best friend's ex? If you were my friend, I would kick you out of my life for good. It's not even a matter of "it's been 2 years" or "she is over him"...feels almost like incest or something. Gross. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted February 14, 2015 Share Posted February 14, 2015 I don't know, maybe I'm wrong but a lot of you sound really dramatic about it. Why is it that after two people have been together, their partners are off limits forever even if it's a done deal and they'll never be together again? What's the deal with that? I just don't buy all of this stuff about people being 'destroyed'. If one of my friends were to want to be with an ex of mine, I really wouldn't care. I don't want them, that's why we're not together... Then you probably didn't care that much about them to begin with. Link to post Share on other sites
Versacehottie Posted February 14, 2015 Share Posted February 14, 2015 I don't know, maybe I'm wrong but a lot of you sound really dramatic about it. Why is it that after two people have been together, their partners are off limits forever even if it's a done deal and they'll never be together again? What's the deal with that? I just don't buy all of this stuff about people being 'destroyed'. If one of my friends were to want to be with an ex of mine, I really wouldn't care. I don't want them, that's why we're not together... well of course partners aren't off limits forever. however, you are hiding this from her so that gives those of us that are being "dramatic" a sense that this is one of the ones she WOULD care if you were with or that it's too soon. You could have done the honorable thing by asking her beforehand and respecting her wishes and her answer. That's putting an invested friendship first before some f*ck buddy. Sometimes there are "friends" in your lives who will push the limits of what they can get away with within the friendship. If it's not so wrong, just tell her. But I suspect you already know the answer to this question. That's why some of us are being "dramatic". There are some people in your lives who you give your friendship to and you really wish you didn't because they really don't know what being a friend means. Just curious, if you have nothing to hide, why are you being so secretive? Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted February 14, 2015 Share Posted February 14, 2015 (edited) Am I just totally terrible? I love the freedom of this FWB thing, without all of the hassle and responsibility of a relationship. I just know my friend would be incredibly hurt if she knew and that makes me sad. But you still went ahead and did it, yet question why people here are being dramatic. Some friend you are. Regardless of what anyone here says, your conscience should have been your greatest advisor. Unfortunately... Edited February 14, 2015 by Zahara Link to post Share on other sites
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