I feel so gulty over my moms death :(

[Mizz Layta]

My parents got divorced when we were 3 and we got raised by our grand parents. My Dad got remarried then he decided to leave the Country to come to Canada. After few years, he immigrated us to come here from Africa with my step mom, my step sister and my real sister. My mom stayed back home but we kept in touch with her.

 

 

The communication we had with her was through my dad around that time so we would write a letter to her and give it to my Dad then he would mail it. We stayed in touch by writing back and forth with her. Then I don`t know why but my sister and I got caught up with things here and we just stopped writing to her.

 

 

Then she send another letter asking why we stopped we stopped writing to her and that why we were doing this to her and that she misses our love but we never responded. I don't why me and my sister did this. I feel so terrible. Then I recall my Dad telling us that my mom had send a letter telling him that she is not feeling well and she wants our pictures to see how we have grown and she also wrote the number for us to call where she was staying with my aunt back home. We then asked my Dad to take the photos of us but he never followed through with it.

 

 

Mind you my sister and I were only 15 and 12 without jobs and we were still getting used to a new country. We didn't know were to go about to get cameras for pictures and every communication we had was through my Dad who didn't seem to care that much at that time. We were not familiar with the system here since it was so different from Africa. We never follow through with all that until my step mom started nagging my Dad to go and buy a long distance card so we can talk to my mom.

 

 

He finally complied and the next morning my step mom dialed the number for us and she connected where my mom was staying .She was going to pass the phone to us to talk to her once she connects to my mom .Then she asked to speak to my mom and then instead of passing the phone to us, she exchanged few words and stayed silent to whoever picked the phone then she said okay and hung up the phone. Then she told us that she was informed that my mom had passed away few months ealier .So it was too late . Apparantely,my mom got ill around the time we lost touch with her and she left the city where she was staying for work and went back to her Moms village . She died there few months later .which were she got buried.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I felt numb but I didn't or fell apart or cry.I just went on with my life.I don't if I was just in denial. Then years later my moms brother ,my uncle found me and my sister on Face book and we reconnected. I hadn't seen him since I was 5 back home. We caught up and I asked him what had happened our mom and how she died. He told us that our mom tried desperately tried to get hold of us on her last days. She kept pushing my uncle to find us because she really wanted to talk to us. From what my uncle said, she knew that she was dying because she kept saying things like ``.I am going to die and I will never see my kids again`` I am actually tearing up typing this.

 

 

 

 

To this day, we don't know how she died. My other Uncle told us that she just got sick with flu like symptoms and boom she was gone in 2 weeks. However, my aunt told us that she had cancer in her uterus. My Grandmother, her mom who is still alive today told me that someone had something to do with her death and she she died she came to my grandmother dreams explaining how she really died and who was behind it.We don't know for sure what really killed her. She was only 35 when she passed away .She had me and my sister when she was a teenager which explains why she was still a young mom when we were teenagers by the time she passed.

 

 

 

 

I am now 29 and living on my own. Lately, I have been thinking about her allot and wishing if she was still alive so I could talk to her since now I have access to a computer ,phone and discovered face book, skype etc unlike back then when we were younger living with my and everything was through him and didn't have access to those .I have been breaking down crying.I also feel guilty because I never got to say good bye when she passed away and how we stopped communicating with her until it was too late. I just feel so bad thinking how she must have went through without us by her side and without our love and support and how she must have thought we stopped caring about her when we stopped writing to her

 

 

I keep getting memories on how she lived with us when she separated from my Dad but the my Dad never sent her enough money to help her. She couldn't afford to raise us so she sent us back to him but he decided we stay our grand parents my Dads parents. Also how she took us back for a holiday right after to stay with her because she missed us .How she used to visit us every chance she got at our grand parents. I keep thinking about the happy moments we shared with her when I was little girl. I can still feel her love for us even though she is no longer with us

 

 

My sister and I are thinking to fly back home to see her grave in the future. would that give us closure? How can I say sorry to her when she is no longer alive to hear me?

[whichwayisup]

I think if you feel going to see her grave will help give you closure and some peace, do it.

 

Allow yourself to really grieve the loss and accept that how things were back then when you were younger isn't your fault. Your dad dropped the ball, you were young...

 

Forgive yourself because hanging onto this guilt will eat you up.

 

Continue a relationship with your uncle. Get to know your grandmother and other relatives on your mom's side of the family. Hear stories about her and just remember she loves you, even in spirit now. She knows you and your sister loved her.

 

Please, just don't beat up on yourself, it will just make you feel worse.

 

Sorry for your loss, hugs.

[anika99]

Mizz Layta I'm so sorry you lost your mom at such a young age. It was the responsibility of the grown ups in your life to ensure that you had contact with your mom. I'm sure had you known your mother was dying you would have tried a lot harder to stay in contact but it's also very normal for teens to be caught up in their own lives.

 

 

More than anything else your mom wanted you to be happy and healthy. That's why she sent you to your father, so you could have the best life has to offer. She would not want you to spend your life feeling sad and guilty, she wants you to have joy and happiness. Don't beat yourself down. Instead honor your mom by living the life that she wanted you to have. Take care