Where do we stand right now? Seeing her tomorrow...

[louie777]

Hi there,

 

First time posting here, but this seems like a really awesome forum and I'm glad I stumbled across it.

 

So I'll do my best to keep this brief but I'm not sure how successful I'll be...

 

I'm at uni in the UK, do a lot of performing arts stuff and have a really great group of friends from that. One of those friends is a girl who is particularly attractive, and a lovely person, and who I have always liked to an extent, though I was pretty certain she wasn't into me, so never thought about pursuing anything.

 

A week or two ago, we were on a night out, all a little bit drunk (but not that much), and this girl and I ended up kissing and me going back to her place, which I was obviously pretty happy about, though nothing much actually happened at hers except for further getting off due to her being a virgin (which I was fine with).

 

Since then, I've met up with her three times: once for coffee, once in a larger group of friends (after which I went back to hers), and for a movie at mine. The coffee was lovely, though awkward at the end because I should have kissed her but I didn't. The meeting with friends was fine and then we went back to hers, made out, but also had a chat about the fact that she wanted to take things slowly because of the fact that she doesn't have experience of dating and doesn't want to rush into anything, especially as we have all the same friends (who haven't been helpful, making jokes and things around us which I think she is uncomfortable with) - but I left hers that night feeling good about the whole situation, because we had got off again and it seemed pretty certain that we were both into each other, and that we could work out whatever other difficulties there were.

 

Then came the movie night a few days back... She came round to mine, watched a film with me, we had a really nice time, but my flatmate (who knows her) came home and proceeded to chat with her for like an hour, when I knew she would have to leave soon because she needed to get up early the next day... And sure enough, he went to bed, and she said she needed to go. We still hadn't kissed or anything, but did have a brief chat about the previous time I had been round at hers, and she said she was sorry for 'being weird' about the whole 'not rushing into things' thing and the 'friends pressuring us into doing this' thing. I said the same things I said to her a couple of nights before, which were that this had nothing to do with them and that the important thing was what we wanted to do, and never mind what other people say or think. I said that it was nice to just chill with someone else and talk to them and stuff, and she agreed with that - basically I was trying to take the pressure off of us having to 'get into a relationship' before she was ready. So that was good, but our goodbye was kinda awkward, she gave me a very very tiny peck on the lips and then sort of rushed off...

 

There are two recurring themes through all this: 1) she has been made uncomfortable by a couple of our friends making comments about us being together, when in reality we have hardly done anything together yet at all - she doesn't want to be pressured into doing anything and I think she has been made nervous by people saying things about the two of us without her having decided that this was necessarily something she wanted to pursue; and 2) I have been an idiot in not being more forward with her in the times that I have seen her - if I had taken the initiative more and been more confident when around her/saying goodbye and actually kissed her and had more fun with her in those moments, then I think she would feel more positive about this whole thing too.

 

Right now, we haven't spoken/seen each other for a couple of days or so, I'm seeing her tomorrow evening for a little dinner and drinks thing with all our friends, and I don't know what to do. I get the feeling that if nothing 'happens' tomorrow night then that'll be it, and she'll definitely just want to keep it friends, to stop the situation dragging on, especially with us both having all the same friends. I'm pretty sure she likes me, or did like me, but I don't know whether she is now having second thoughts. I think she is a fantastic person, very smart/funny/beautiful, but I just don't know what to say to her on Thursday, especially with us all being in a group of friends. Ideally I will go back to hers afterwards/she can come to mine, and we can chat and hopefully do things that confirm that this is something we would both like to pursue, but I don't know how likely that is or how to get that to happen.

 

Sorry for the stupidly long post! Advice hugely hugely hugely appreciated!!!

[d0nnivain]

Set up a "real" date. Explain it's no pressure. Encourage her to ignore comments by your mutual friends, although that may be tough. Give her a little romance on this date & go from there. Also make it clear that one date is not a relationship but do assure her that you genuinely like her & you're willing to let her set the pace.

[Toodaloo]

Tell your friends to back off and give you both space.

 

Spend time with her both on her own every now and then and also within your group.

 

Next time you want to kiss her just kiss her!

[louie777]

Great advice from both of you there, thank you - I appreciate it. I've mentioned to a couple of my friends to cool it a bit with the comments, and yes I will definitely just kiss her next time!...

 

I would ask her on a 'real date', but the only complication is that the next two times I'm seeing her (tomorrow, and Saturday) are with our group of friends, and then she's going away for a week. I'm worried that by the time she gets back she'll have decided to 'play it safe' as it were and not pursue anything, unless I make a move of some sort beforehand. Essentially, there isn't a chance to see her one-on-one until she gets back, unless one of us goes back to the other's house after seeing our friends either tomorrow or on Saturday.

 

I'm trying to figure out how to make that happen, because she's very cautious about all this and I'm not sure that she'll still be up for it if I haven't made my position very clear before she goes away next week - but I don't want to just go up to her with all our mates there and say, 'wanna come and chill at mine after this?', because it would be weird with everyone there (we'll all most likely be walking home the same way too).

 

I appreciate I'm probably making this all a lot more complicated than it needs to be, but we're a really great group of friends, I really like her and don't want to screw things up. If I get a chance I will definitely be more direct with her though, whilst making sure she knows it's no pressure, so thanks for pointing me in that direction.