Fighting for love

[BC1980]

every situation is always different. I appreciate the matters of opinions. Its like stereotyping, it never works, only sometimes.

 

The details of every situation may be different, but people usually act in the same ways after a breakup. All of these situations usually play out the same way.

[Woggle]

If you have to fight for it or chase after it it isn't really love.

[Alexjones1]

thanks for all the replies, but I think you guys have the wrong impression of the point I'm trying to make.

 

I never did a damn thing wrong in this relationship. lol

 

I've learned from my prior mistakes long before.

 

This person is divorcing after a 6 year marriage, where husband cheated for two straight years.

 

Moved her to a different state, where only his family is. So now she is absolutely alone. Forced her out of the military, etc.

 

We have a couple mutual friends, and she was the one who approached me. It took her a month to ask me out.

 

Ultimately, what happened is **** got real after a couple months. You do everything your supposed to, and women usually fall in love in about two months.

 

Well once this happened, yes she freaked out. Running, because she has a lot of other things going on at the moment and adding more could be more traumatic. Not that she doesn't want a relationship, she cant at the moment. Just the mere fact that yes their divorce is non contested, in our state there is a mandatory cooling off period. She still has a couple months left for it to be final. And in her mind she is still trying to be true to her vows. Which in my opinion is awesome.

 

I know thats counter-intuitive to what I just said, but thats how I feel.

 

Long story short....I am not saying, calling, texting, chasing her down, nope.

 

I'm talking about being there and supporting someone. Most people cannot handle break-ups immediately, we become complacent, and it takes time to realize what happens.

 

This particular case is just different.

 

The next time she will see me, is outside the courtroom when her divorce is final, making sure that she isn't alone when that's done. Because that is a huge step in her life. Because I know she would do the same for me if it were reversed.

 

I am open to everyone's opinions, I do not judge, nor do I criticize.

 

Thanks for your time,

 

 

Alex

[KBarletta]

Ultimately, I think the key is respecting someone's wishes. If they can't or don't want things on the same level as you, or at the same pace as you, etc., then pushing too hard (or "fighting") for what you perceive as love isn't really respecting their wishes and the boundaries they have set for the relationship. More often than not, those boundaries exist for a reason, and if you push them too far, you're going to push the other person away, not bring them closer.

[Simon Phoenix]

thanks for all the replies, but I think you guys have the wrong impression of the point I'm trying to make.

 

I never did a damn thing wrong in this relationship. lol

 

I've learned from my prior mistakes long before.

 

This person is divorcing after a 6 year marriage, where husband cheated for two straight years.

 

Moved her to a different state, where only his family is. So now she is absolutely alone. Forced her out of the military, etc.

 

We have a couple mutual friends, and she was the one who approached me. It took her a month to ask me out.

 

Ultimately, what happened is **** got real after a couple months. You do everything your supposed to, and women usually fall in love in about two months.

 

Well once this happened, yes she freaked out. Running, because she has a lot of other things going on at the moment and adding more could be more traumatic. Not that she doesn't want a relationship, she cant at the moment. Just the mere fact that yes their divorce is non contested, in our state there is a mandatory cooling off period. She still has a couple months left for it to be final. And in her mind she is still trying to be true to her vows. Which in my opinion is awesome.

 

I know thats counter-intuitive to what I just said, but thats how I feel.

 

Long story short....I am not saying, calling, texting, chasing her down, nope.

 

I'm talking about being there and supporting someone. Most people cannot handle break-ups immediately, we become complacent, and it takes time to realize what happens.

 

This particular case is just different.

 

The next time she will see me, is outside the courtroom when her divorce is final, making sure that she isn't alone when that's done. Because that is a huge step in her life. Because I know she would do the same for me if it were reversed.

 

I am open to everyone's opinions, I do not judge, nor do I criticize.

 

Thanks for your time,

 

 

Alex

 

You're better off backing off completely. Don't be there when the divorce is final, that's way too intrusive. Don't hover like a vulture waiting for the wounded animal in the desert to die. She knows you like her, let her come to you if she chooses. That's all you can do. In the meantime work on whatever you need to work on to better yourself.

[idoltree]

Alex, your intentions are good, but I think your idea of love verges on codependency.

 

This person is divorcing after a 6 year marriage, where husband cheated for two straight years.

 

Moved her to a different state, where only his family is. So now she is absolutely alone. Forced her out of the military, etc.

This narrative is not respectful of her choices. She was not a minor child, and her husband did not force her to do anything. This is my first clue that you think you can get love by rescuing someone from herself, because you are purposefully not seeing her as a person capable of making her own choices, and owning the results of those choices.

 

In actuality, she chose to marry him. She chose to stay with him after he cheated. She chose to move to a different state. She chose to leave the military.

 

See her as an adult woman capable of making choices, because that is what she is. She doesn't need rescuing from her life. She is capable of turning her life around and seeking the relationship that she wants for herself if she wants that. She doesn't need someone to do it for her.

 

Long story short....I am not saying, calling, texting, chasing her down, nope.

Good.

 

The next time she will see me, is outside the courtroom when her divorce is final, making sure that she isn't alone when that's done. Because that is a huge step in her life. Because I know she would do the same for me if it were reversed.

 

... Except she wouldn't do it for you. She broke up with you, indicating that she doesn't want to emotionally support you.

 

I don't think it's romantic for you to be outside the courtroom when her divorce is final if you are not together. That is making a big milestone in her life about you and your (non-existent) relationship.

 

To continue to insist on a "let me love you!" or "let me comfort you!" approach isn't very respectful, to tell you the truth. There's no reason for you to be outside that courtroom other than a romantic fantasy that she'll then appreciate your steadfastness and supportive nature. You think that continuing to show her those things about yourself is the way to get her to want to be with you. Except that isn't how things work in the real world.

 

Do you deserve a woman who is whole? One who can handle her own life? One who doesn't need a man to come in on his white horse on the day her divorce is final to save her from her own life? You do. Why don't you think so?

 

At the same time, your view of her as a victim of life isn't very respectful of her. Hear her decisions and accept them, even if it's not what you want to hear. Otherwise, your actions are more that of that soon-to-be ex that you dislike so much as opposed to the image of the romantic man that is in your head.

 

You have to respect someone to love them. You have to not see them as a victim who needs rescuing. You have to consider yourself worthy of someone loving you without you having to work for it or to save them from themselves.