He was always contacting me when i told him to stop NO response

[elaine567]

I've been in the same place as the op. My ex broke up with me but still continued to 'date' me. Where he would take me to dinner and hang out with me

All the time. He would also invite me to all of his family gatherings and always expected me at Sunday dinner with his parents. He would also act really boyfriendy when we would go out. But then he said he doesn't see a future with me and isn't in love with me anymore. If that's the case, then why did he put in so much effort?

 

Because there was some gain in it for him, basically.

Perhaps he needed a partner for family events. He may not have told them you had split, or perhaps they just wanted to see you.

The break up of LTRs can be hard for families, who get attached to the partner and some think they can do a bit of matchmaking by keeping couples together, even if it is only for family events.

Perhaps he just needed your support, perhaps he was not really ready to go it alone. He didn't want the relationship, but he had got into the habit of talking to you about stuff, so didn't want to lose that.

It is easy to think he regretted it, or "He really loves me", but often it is a lot more selfish than that on the part of the dumper. Once they carve out a new social life for themselves, then the dumpee "friend" and substitute "date", may get dumped again.

Of course some stay in contact with exes, because it may be a source of sex, either in the present or in the future...

[flowergirl1980]

We ended up doing this half boyfriend dance for almost two years. Where I was basically his girlfriend but we didn't call it that. I found out that he was sleeping with another girl at the same time as me, and hid it from me for a year. That was what I needed to finally put an end to it.

 

The biggest thing that I still don't understand is why he went out of his way for me. He literally did things that I did not ask him to do nor did I expect him to do since we wernt officially bf/gf. Maybe it was the guilt?

 

I really think that he is kind of delusional. I asked him to let me go if there was no future. I went NC. But he still pursued me. And he really had no answer when I asked him all of this. He could not come up with a reason as to why he continually chased me and did nice things for me. I went through a really rough time and he was always there for me and basically tried to make it okay for me. Which hurts me more now because I relied on him for that support and it's all gone now.

 

yeah that is really confusing sounds like maybe he didn't know what he wanted at the time or something or wanted to keep you happy so he could still have you around.

 

what I don't get is my ex doing all this and then when I send him a nice text to tell him it's too hard for me and I need to move on and we should not remain in contact he doesn't even give me a response. OK as people on here are saying he is respecting the no contact with a no response but I just don't see that as accurate. I feel like it warrants some type of response out of respect. but I have to just let it go.

[darkbloom]

Because there was some gain in it for him, basically.

Perhaps he needed a partner for family events. He may not have told them you had split, or perhaps they just wanted to see you.

The break up of LTRs can be hard for families, who get attached to the partner and some think they can do a bit of matchmaking by keeping couples together, even if it is only for family events.

Perhaps he just needed your support, perhaps he was not really ready to go it alone. He didn't want the relationship, but he had got into the habit of talking to you about stuff, so didn't want to lose that.

It is easy to think he regretted it, or "He really loves me", but often it is a lot more selfish than that on the part of the dumper. Once they carve out a new social life for themselves, then the dumpee "friend" and substitute "date", may get dumped again.

Of course some stay in contact with exes, because it may be a source of sex, either in the present or in the future...

 

I totally agree about the family thing. But it was hard enough the first time when we broke up about losing his family. I told him that I specifically didn't want to get more attached and then he would say that he really wanted me to come. I think deep down I knew he was being selfish, but I was hoping that him going out of his way meant more. I was very naive in my thinking. While I understand that I may be the delusional one, I still can't wrap my head around his actions. He sent me good morning/good night texts every single day except for when I went NC. I asked him to stop doing it because it hurt me more. He continued to do it. He also would show up at my job when he was off and bring me dinner and hang out with me. He bought me jewelry for no occasion (he doesn't make a lot of money so these gestures to me at least, say something about him if he's willing to spend money on me because he wants to make me happy). This last break up, his dad wanted to send me a gift to say thank you for being in his life and my ex's life. He sent me a ridiculous bouquet of flowers to my store with a handwritten card. Over the top.

 

My ex is also pretty set in his ways and doesn't like to do things spontaneously or without planning. He volunteered and again went out of his way to take me to do things that I wanted to do that he otherwise would have no part of. He basically mind ****ed me.

 

I know in a girl, but I would never go out of my way like that unless I had a romantic interest in someone.

 

Thoughts?

[elaine567]

"I found out that he was sleeping with another girl at the same time as me, and hid it from me for a year. "

Very difficult to say for certain, but I guess guilt had something to do with it.

[darkbloom]

Very difficult to say for certain, but I guess guilt had something to do with it.

 

That's what I think too. But that's a lot of guilt to continue for a year and a half. Like he was basically punishing himself by pleasing me for a year and a half. It would have been easier if he was just honest with me about it. It's the hiding it that bothers me the most.

 

I'm starting to think that maybe we were in a codependent relationship or that there was soemthing else going on because it was a really unhealthy situation.

[PegNosePete]

Do you think by my sending that message and letting him know it's confusing to me and that I want him in my life but not like this that it could motivate him to make a decision to let me know what he wants or just probably pushed him away to realize he needs to leave me alone and let me move on?

You are way over-analyzing this.

He dumped you because he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you any more.

He wanted to be friends and desperate to get him back, thinking he would change his mind, you agreed and hung out a few times.

He didn't change his mind, and you couldn't handle being just friends, so you told him that being friends is hurting you and not to contact you any more.

He respected your request.

The end.

[flowergirl1980]

He broke up with me. Wanted to be friends and hang out and would text me at least once a week and want to hang out every 1-2 weeks or so. Well that went on for 2 months. I sent him a text after the last time we hung out and told him it’s too hard for me that I still care and in order to move on I don’t want to talk or hang out anymore. He never responded but obv is respecting it as it’s been 11 days and we have had no contact. I was on Facebook today scrolling through when I saw he made a post about leaving for vacation ( I knew he was going he had told me back when we were talking still) I stopped and my finger hit the like button, I immediately unlike but damn I am pissed at myself because I don’t want him to think I was trying to get in contact in anyway….did I mess up royally? I am thinking of just unfriending him now so this won’t happen again.

[mammasita]

Well yes, you should have unfriended him when you broke up.

 

Now go do it.......

[stillafool]

Why are you stalking his FB? If you want to heal don't snoop.

[flowergirl1980]

Well yes, you should have unfriended him when you broke up.

 

Now go do it.......

 

 

I don't know why I am apprehensive to unfriend him on facebook and Instagram. I know it's over and I cut him off as far as contact it's like the final step and I am having a hard time hitting the "unfriend" button but working up the courage to do it today especially after liking something I didn't' mean to!

[flowergirl1980]

Why are you stalking his FB? If you want to heal don't snoop.

 

I wasn't stalking, we are friends hence his posts show in my feed and this post was made today SO if you know how FB works you would know it would show in my news feed, there was no "snooping" involved.

[d0nnivain]

You are deluding yourself. You are not friends. The break up is too fresh. this is simply an unhealthy way of holding on to something that isn't working.

 

 

If you genuinely were friends then you could be happy for him that he's going on vacation & you could like his status without beating yourself up.

 

 

Since you can't do yourself a huge favor & unfriend him. You can revisit the issue in a year or twice the length of your relationship, which ever is longer.

[flowergirl1980]

You are deluding yourself. You are not friends. The break up is too fresh. this is simply an unhealthy way of holding on to something that isn't working.

 

 

If you genuinely were friends then you could be happy for him that he's going on vacation & you could like his status without beating yourself up.

 

 

Since you can't do yourself a huge favor & unfriend him. You can revisit the issue in a year or twice the length of your relationship, which ever is longer.

 

you are right, good advise, it's hard to cut the cord. but necessary. thanks!

[flowergirl1980]

does this count as breaking no contact was also my question like do I need to start all over from day 1? not that I plan on contacting him at ANY point it's just counting the days and seeing how far I've gone feels good to me makes me feel more empowered.

[angiefly]

does this count as breaking no contact was also my question like do I need to start all over from day 1? not that I plan on contacting him at ANY point it's just counting the days and seeing how far I've gone feels good to me makes me feel more empowered.

 

It doesn't matter. All that matters is getting you better. Just focus on healing.

[Tarot777]

I'd be pissed he didn't respond to the text too. But that's just me

I erased my ex's number, photos and threw everything out that he ever gave me.

It was tough, but I need to get over this.

[Simon Phoenix]

yeah that is really confusing sounds like maybe he didn't know what he wanted at the time or something or wanted to keep you happy so he could still have you around.

 

what I don't get is my ex doing all this and then when I send him a nice text to tell him it's too hard for me and I need to move on and we should not remain in contact he doesn't even give me a response. OK as people on here are saying he is respecting the no contact with a no response but I just don't see that as accurate. I feel like it warrants some type of response out of respect. but I have to just let it go.

 

You are talking out of both sides of your mouth. You tell him that you need space from him, he gives you space and you're mad about it? That's not remotely fair. It sounds like you went into this whole "we need space" thing to try to manipulate him into begging to come back into a relationship that you want and now are mad that he didn't react in that way.

 

He's giving you what you asked from him and not playing games. It sounds like you want to play games from what you are writing, because it's just not fair for you to be upset at him for this.

[flowergirl1980]

You are talking out of both sides of your mouth. You tell him that you need space from him, he gives you space and you're mad about it? That's not remotely fair. It sounds like you went into this whole "we need space" thing to try to manipulate him into begging to come back into a relationship that you want and now are mad that he didn't react in that way.

 

He's giving you what you asked from him and not playing games. It sounds like you want to play games from what you are writing, because it's just not fair for you to be upset at him for this.

 

No I'm not playing games all I expected was a reponse that he understands but whatever I'm moving on without it I just think it warranted a response ... But everyone has their own opinion

[Simon Phoenix]

No I'm not playing games all I expected was a reponse that he understands but whatever I'm moving on without it I just think it warranted a response ... But everyone has their own opinion

 

I think his silence shows that he understood, better than any words could have. This is what you wanted.

[Tarot777]

No I'm not playing games all I expected was a reponse that he understands but whatever I'm moving on without it I just think it warranted a response ... But everyone has their own opinion

Don't worry, I'm with ya, I think he should've said something, but break ups are super annoying, so it is what it is.

[SearchingForMyself]

Yes, but when someone pours out their heart and lets you know what and why they need something I would THINK a person would again acknowledge they received the message and that they understand.

 

and as to the second point, what I mean is he knows I want more if he was willing to give me more he would do what it takes but instead he is willing to let it all go instead

 

I think that you dumped him, then you told him to stop talking to you, you were hoping he'd still pine for you so you can complain and justify a breakup.

 

What you're feeling is guilt, cause after all this time of chasing him, he finally wised up and decided to ditch you.

 

Leave him alone. You asked for this, you got it.

[flowergirl1980]

I think that you dumped him, then you told him to stop talking to you, you were hoping he'd still pine for you so you can complain and justify a breakup.

 

What you're feeling is guilt, cause after all this time of chasing him, he finally wised up and decided to ditch you.

 

Leave him alone. You asked for this, you got it.

 

I think you read the thread wrong - HE dumped me then immediately wanted to talk and hang out after but it was too much for me so I explained that to him and that being friends is too hard and got no reponse and that surprised me BUT he is respecting what I asked and I guess I have to take that as the closure I need

[flowergirl1980]

Don't worry, I'm with ya, I think he should've said something, but break ups are super annoying, so it is what it is.

 

Thank you! I appreciate it and nice someone relates

[flowergirl1980]

UPDATE: I hung out with mutual friends tonight that told me my ex has been sending messages in his group text after I told him I waht no contact a week later he nessaged his friends and said he was devastated because I told him I want to cut ties and my friend told mr he sends random messages saying to them he misses me.... It's hard because it makes me know he cares but if he cared enough wouldn't he reach out? Since he broke up with me??

[Simon Phoenix]

UPDATE: I hung out with mutual friends tonight that told me my ex has been sending messages in his group text after I told him I waht no contact a week later he nessaged his friends and said he was devastated because I told him I want to cut ties and my friend told mr he sends random messages saying to them he misses me.... It's hard because it makes me know he cares but if he cared enough wouldn't he reach out? Since he broke up with me??

 

No, you told him to leave you be. He's respecting your wish for No Contact.