He was always contacting me when i told him to stop NO response

[flowergirl1980]

No, you told him to leave you be. He's respecting your wish for No Contact.

 

Yeah that's true I guess if he was truly devastated and didn't want to lose me I'd hear from him right?

[Zapbasket]

I read this thread and felt really frustrated on your behalf, OP. OF COURSE your text merited a response. It's the classy thing to do, to acknowledge that he received your text and will respect your wishes. It's just basic courtesy and I'm disappointed that others who commented on your thread either don't realize that or are trying to get you to focus on the fact that you ultimately got what you wanted, i.e., no contact. Still, of course his lack of response leaves you hanging. I think it's possible you threw him for a loop, because up until your text it was all on his terms and he thought you were ok with it. And then in essence you forced him to cut the bull: either he's in, or he's out, and there's no in between. GOOD FOR YOU for doing that.

 

To be honest, I don't know what it really means when someone leaves a relationship saying they "don't know what they want." Either they truly are confused, or they just don't have the balls to come out and say they DO know they don't want the relationship anymore and maybe just don't know why. Unfortunately, the thing with ambivalence is that it is up to the person feeling it to sort it out. Another person can't sort out someone's ambivalence, especially when the ambivalence is toward that other person. You wisely recognize that, and have left him to sort himself out alone. Whatever happens, whether he ever reaches out to you or not down the line, you have done the RIGHT THING, I assure you. Hold your head up and keep walking forward in your life.

[BC1980]

I remember responding to your other thread about the text you sent. You basically sent the text to see if he would respond and say he changed his mind about the breakup. I did the same thing as you actually, and, of course, it didn't work. My ex did respond though and basically said that he respected my wishes. I certainly understand wanting some type of acknowledgement of your text, but you now know where you stand at least. He didn't care enough to respond, and, honestly, the way you worded the text (in your other thread), leaves no room for misinterpretation on his part.

 

Breakups are messy and awkward things. We often don't get to say all that we want to, and, even if we do, the other person doesn't care at that point. We usually don't get that final, nice send off where both parties walk away in complete agreement. I guess if both people were so good together, there would be no need to walk away bitter and wanting to say more. I think the best thing any of us can do is to accept that it's over and move on from it. Whatever life your ex wants, leave him to it, and you go live yours.

[Simon Phoenix]

Yeah that's true I guess if he was truly devastated and didn't want to lose me I'd hear from him right?

 

You told him that unless he wanted you back as a romantic partner that you had to go No Contact. So the fact that he's staying away means he doesn't want you as a romantic partner. It sounds like he misses your friendship but doesn't want the romance, so he's respecting your wishes.

 

Honestly, he's handling this the way he's supposed to. He's not giving you false hope or conflicting signals.

[Simon Phoenix]

I read this thread and felt really frustrated on your behalf, OP. OF COURSE your text merited a response. It's the classy thing to do, to acknowledge that he received your text and will respect your wishes. It's just basic courtesy and I'm disappointed that others who commented on your thread either don't realize that or are trying to get you to focus on the fact that you ultimately got what you wanted, i.e., no contact. Still, of course his lack of response leaves you hanging. I think it's possible you threw him for a loop, because up until your text it was all on his terms and he thought you were ok with it. And then in essence you forced him to cut the bull: either he's in, or he's out, and there's no in between. GOOD FOR YOU for doing that.

 

To be honest, I don't know what it really means when someone leaves a relationship saying they "don't know what they want." Either they truly are confused, or they just don't have the balls to come out and say they DO know they don't want the relationship anymore and maybe just don't know why. Unfortunately, the thing with ambivalence is that it is up to the person feeling it to sort it out. Another person can't sort out someone's ambivalence, especially when the ambivalence is toward that other person. You wisely recognize that, and have left him to sort himself out alone. Whatever happens, whether he ever reaches out to you or not down the line, you have done the RIGHT THING, I assure you. Hold your head up and keep walking forward in your life.

 

This response makes no sense whatsoever. She told him that she couldn't be in contact with him because she couldn't handle being his friend, and your solution is for him to contact her back? C'mon, that's not the least bit fair or logical. I mean, he's damned if he does, damned if he doesn't. If he did say something back, there's no question the OP would take that as a sign that he's considering things. Since he didn't, she (and you) are making him out to be some sort of jerk for granting her request. Unbelievable.

 

She made a request, he followed it. End of story.

[flowergirl1980]

I am really struggling to not text or call my ex after I heard he has been telling his friends he is Devastated I want to cut ties and that he misses me...it's messing with my head -- it's been 15 days since I sent the message and we have not spoken I know I should wait on him but I feel like I am losing my resolve after hearing this!

[BC1980]

I am really struggling to not text or call my ex after I heard he has been telling his friends he is Devastated I want to cut ties and that he misses me...it's messing with my head -- it's been 15 days since I sent the message and we have not spoken I know I should wait on him but I feel like I am losing my resolve after hearing this!

 

He is devastated because you will not be there as a friend. He is NOT devastated that he does not have you as a girlfriend. He knows how easily he could have you back, but he chooses not to take you up on that offer.

 

Your current responsibility is to yourself and to your healing. It's not your responsibility to babysit his hurt feelings because you won't involve yourself in a friendship with him. Cutting ties is part an parcel of a breakup. He doesn't get to remain friends at the expense of your emotional well being. So he's devastated? I'm pretty sure that you're devastated that he left you after 3 years together. His feelings are no more important than yours.

[flowergirl1980]

He is devastated because you will not be there as a friend. He is NOT devastated that he does not have you as a girlfriend. He knows how easily he could have you back, but he chooses not to take you up on that offer.

 

Your current responsibility is to yourself and to your healing. It's not your responsibility to babysit his hurt feelings because you won't involve yourself in a friendship with him. Cutting ties is part an parcel of a breakup. He doesn't get to remain friends at the expense of your emotional well being. So he's devastated? I'm pretty sure that you're devastated that he left you after 3 years together. His feelings are no more important than yours.

 

Yes, you are right. I have to just keep reminding myself of this. If he was really that devastated he would contact me or do something to make it right. the fact he isn't shows he doesn't care that much. I don't know why since I heard this it's made it really hard to not contact him.

[elaine567]

I am really struggling to not text or call my ex after I heard he has been telling his friends he is Devastated I want to cut ties and that he misses me...it's messing with my head -- it's been 15 days since I sent the message and we have not spoken I know I should wait on him but I feel like I am losing my resolve after hearing this!

 

He is devastated because he cannot have his cake and eat it.

He wants to be single, but he also wants you as a friend to bolster him up and for someone to speak to when he was lonely.

Dumpees cannot be friends with dumpers, as it hurts too much and the dumpee always wants the dumper back.

As the dumper doesn't want that, then the dumpee is left in limbo, longing for more from the dumper "friend", but the dumper "friend" has no intention ever of getting back with the dumpee.

The dumpee gets more and more hurt waiting around and then gets heart broken when the dumper starts dating again and the dumper may even ask the dumpee's advice re new partners, as after all they are just friends.

 

As a dumper, I wanted to be friends with my dumpee and everything was great, we'd hang out, we'd go for coffee, we'd call round each others places and chat. That is until one day he started sobbing on my sofa and pleaded for me to take him back.

I had no idea he felt like this, I thought we were being very adult and reasonable and were just friends. Big mistake.

I had to tell him again we were never getting back together, which was really difficult, and I then went NC, as I knew seeing me was killing him.

[flowergirl1980]

He is devastated because he cannot have his cake and eat it.

He wants to be single, but he also wants you as a friend to bolster him up and for someone to speak to when he was lonely.

Dumpees cannot be friends with dumpers, as it hurts too much and the dumpee always wants the dumper back.

As the dumper doesn't want that, then the dumpee is left in limbo, longing for more from the dumper "friend", but the dumper "friend" has no intention ever of getting back with the dumpee.

The dumpee gets more and more hurt waiting around and then gets heart broken when the dumper starts dating again and the dumper may even ask the dumpee's advice re new partners, as after all they are just friends.

 

As a dumper, I wanted to be friends with my dumpee and everything was great, we'd hang out, we'd go for coffee, we'd call round each others places and chat. That is until one day he started sobbing on my sofa and pleaded for me to take him back.

I had no idea he felt like this, I thought we were being very adult and reasonable and were just friends. Big mistake.

I had to tell him again we were never getting back together, which was really difficult, and I then went NC, as I knew seeing me was killing him.

 

 

That def makes sense! I even told him that in my message that it's too hard because I have feelings and that's it's probably easier for him to transition to friends since this was his choice. That is why I expected him to let me know he understood, but like everyone has said the not responding and no contact anymore is his way of letting me know he gets it. I was just surprised to hear he is telling his friends he is devastated and missing me. BUT I get what you are saying he is just devastated he can't have me in his life the way he wants which is no commitment....if he really Loved me in the way a man should he would do anything to get me back and make things right...which isn't happening so it's pretty obvious I just need to keep reminding myself of this.....

[BC1980]

BUT I get what you are saying he is just devastated he can't have me in his life the way he wants which is no commitment....if he really Loved me in the way a man should he would do anything to get me back and make things right...which isn't happening so it's pretty obvious I just need to keep reminding myself of this.....

 

He might very well be devastated, but he is devastated over something different than you are. He's probably devastated that it didn't work out, but that doesn't mean that he thinks the relationship can work. He's been very clear that he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you, regardless of how upset he is about that. I'm sorry because I know how it feels. But you can't make him feel a certain way, and you can't be friends with him. It's very hard, but you have to accept that it's for the best to cut contact. He can handle contact with you because it doesn't affect him in the same way. He's not as invested as you are. In fact, he's quite okay with just being friends and seeing you once in awhile.