Should I get fit during divorce to prepare for dating later?

[Jeffz99]

I'm partway through my divorce...maybe halfway(?) and the emotional roller coaster is painful but more stable...and now into the grind of the legal process plays itself out.

 

When my wife first starting hinting at divorce, I felt panicked and tried a whole bunch of stuff to try and save our relationship. I did counseling (together) and coaching (separate), I started to try to look better, I tried cooking for my wife, I did a 12 step program on co-dependency. I moved out for a trial period to give her "space". It was stressful being away from my family and boring at the same time (if that makes sense). To reduce my pain and stress and kill time I started weightlifting and hiking. Basically I tried to repair our relationship by doing anything to fix up myself.

 

In counseling my wife told me that everything that I was doing would be of benefit for my "next wife". I was crushed and at that point knew our relationship was really over save the formalities.

 

This is forcing me to think about my life after divorce, including dating and maybe meeting someone new. I know this is not a good idea during the divorce process and that I should skip having a rebound relationship. But the truth is, I let myself go a little bit during my 22 year marriage...my health and diet were so-so....I gained weight and lost fitness. I was waking up tired after getting the right amount of sleep, but it was poor quality.

 

So now I am realizing that what my soon-to-be exW says is true. All the changes I'm making I diet and fitness and looks will be for the next person. And truthfully, if I am going to be dating in future, I guess I should put my best foot forward and be more attractive.

 

Have any of you thought about getting back in shape to start dating again?

Does it make sense to do this despite the many obstacles?

How important is this to men? Any views on this from a woman's perspective?

 

I really appreciate any advice about this, because I'm finding all these changes are hard, and I want to know it'll be worth it down the road.

[d0nnivain]

Exercise has a number of benefits. Making you more physically attractive when you are ready to start dating again is only one of them. Go for it!

[Ralph79]

I'm partway through my divorce...maybe halfway(?) and the emotional roller coaster is painful but more stable...and now into the grind of the legal process plays itself out.

 

When my wife first starting hinting at divorce, I felt panicked and tried a whole bunch of stuff to try and save our relationship. I did counseling (together) and coaching (separate), I started to try to look better, I tried cooking for my wife, I did a 12 step program on co-dependency. I moved out for a trial period to give her "space". It was stressful being away from my family and boring at the same time (if that makes sense). To reduce my pain and stress and kill time I started weightlifting and hiking. Basically I tried to repair our relationship by doing anything to fix up myself.

 

In counseling my wife told me that everything that I was doing would be of benefit for my "next wife". I was crushed and at that point knew our relationship was really over save the formalities.

 

This is forcing me to think about my life after divorce, including dating and maybe meeting someone new. I know this is not a good idea during the divorce process and that I should skip having a rebound relationship. But the truth is, I let myself go a little bit during my 22 year marriage...my health and diet were so-so....I gained weight and lost fitness. I was waking up tired after getting the right amount of sleep, but it was poor quality.

 

So now I am realizing that what my soon-to-be exW says is true. All the changes I'm making I diet and fitness and looks will be for the next person. And truthfully, if I am going to be dating in future, I guess I should put my best foot forward and be more attractive.

 

Have any of you thought about getting back in shape to start dating again?

Does it make sense to do this despite the many obstacles?

How important is this to men? Any views on this from a woman's perspective?

 

I really appreciate any advice about this, because I'm finding all these changes are hard, and I want to know it'll be worth it down the road.

 

There's never a reason NOT to be fit to be honest.

 

In regards to your questions pertaining to dating I'll just rephrase something I've heard through numerous outlets:

 

Strive to Be, Act As, And Look the Part of, the kind of Person you expect your ideal Partner would expect YOU to be.

 

Seek and you shall find, and have if you earn it.

Edited February 11, 2015 by Ralph79

[KBarletta]

I would recommend you do anything that you:

 

1. Have always wanted to do but never had time/energy.

 

2. Think would make you a better, more well-rounded, more attractive/interesting person

 

If that includes getting fit, go for it. For me, it has been getting more involved in my community (volunteering), learning to play the piano (something I started years ago but never finished), and to be honest, sleeping. When I was married and had an entire house full of people and pets to care for, I was always the first one up and the last one to go to sleep. The silver lining of the misery of my separation has been that I can go to bed at 9:00 if I don't have my daughter, and sleep for 10 hours. And when I do that once in a while (not every day), I feel much better.

 

I've always been a reasonably fit person and have worked out throughout my 7-year marriage, so I am still doing that, but not much more than before.

[LoveMyCat]

Get in shape for your health and well-being. The results will benefit you, whether in a new relationship or just as a part of your new life. Thinking ahead to that next relationship is probably not a great idea, unless maybe you just use it for inspiration to exercise.

[compulsivedancer]

I would recommend you do anything that you:

 

1. Have always wanted to do but never had time/energy.

 

2. Think would make you a better, more well-rounded, more attractive/interesting person

 

If that includes getting fit, go for it. For me, it has been getting more involved in my community (volunteering), learning to play the piano (something I started years ago but never finished), and to be honest, sleeping. When I was married and had an entire house full of people and pets to care for, I was always the first one up and the last one to go to sleep. The silver lining of the misery of my separation has been that I can go to bed at 9:00 if I don't have my daughter, and sleep for 10 hours. And when I do that once in a while (not every day), I feel much better.

 

I've always been a reasonably fit person and have worked out throughout my 7-year marriage, so I am still doing that, but not much more than before.

I got a kitten and bought things that my STBHX would never have let me get (like brand new furniture and a late-model car).

[Mr. Lucky]

As many have already pointed out, what's the downside?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Mirages]

Jeffz, yes, it was essential for my separation isolation period. Always worked out 10hrs a week, during sep it went up to 15. It isn't all about looking a certain way, the issue is, exercise gives you hormonal therapy. Add to that training in severe weather, outdoors, deep in the mountains, yes, after you survive a handful of adventures, you will gain confidence and forget your troubles a bit. Preparing for a future dating scenario, well yes, I also am strategic as you seem, but do it for you!

[Jeffz99]

Thank you everyone for all your encouragement and support.

 

Sometimes I feel eat & sleep right and exercise to cope with the stress and loneliness. Other times I do it out of hope for being attractive when if/when I start dating again.

 

It really helps me to hear other people's stories about rebuilding their lives, especially their fitness.

 

If you have a similar story, please share....thanks!!

[Movingforward2]

I'm partway through my divorce...maybe halfway(?) and the emotional roller coaster is painful but more stable...and now into the grind of the legal process plays itself out.

 

When my wife first starting hinting at divorce, I felt panicked and tried a whole bunch of stuff to try and save our relationship. I did counseling (together) and coaching (separate), I started to try to look better, I tried cooking for my wife, I did a 12 step program on co-dependency. I moved out for a trial period to give her "space". It was stressful being away from my family and boring at the same time (if that makes sense). To reduce my pain and stress and kill time I started weightlifting and hiking. Basically I tried to repair our relationship by doing anything to fix up myself.

 

In counseling my wife told me that everything that I was doing would be of benefit for my "next wife". I was crushed and at that point knew our relationship was really over save the formalities.

 

This is forcing me to think about my life after divorce, including dating and maybe meeting someone new. I know this is not a good idea during the divorce process and that I should skip having a rebound relationship. But the truth is, I let myself go a little bit during my 22 year marriage...my health and diet were so-so....I gained weight and lost fitness. I was waking up tired after getting the right amount of sleep, but it was poor quality.

 

So now I am realizing that what my soon-to-be exW says is true. All the changes I'm making I diet and fitness and looks will be for the next person. And truthfully, if I am going to be dating in future, I guess I should put my best foot forward and be more attractive.

 

Have any of you thought about getting back in shape to start dating again?

Does it make sense to do this despite the many obstacles?

How important is this to men? Any views on this from a woman's perspective?

 

I really appreciate any advice about this, because I'm finding all these changes are hard, and I want to know it'll be worth it down the road.

 

 

To answer your questions...........

1.) I got back into shape during my divorce, not because I wanted to date down the line...but because of the stress involved in the whole thing. I ended up losing about 50 lbs in about 4 months...but now back to a healthy weight for myself.

 

2.) Get in shape for YOU. Don't get in shape for dating. Getting in shape makes you feel more confident like you are back when you were "young"...LOL. Don't worry about what women think.......but to answer your question - do you think women want a guy that's in shape or a chunker that sits on the couch......

 

 

All the changes you are going to endure will make you a better person. I encourage you to stay with your lifestyle changes and make them part of being "the new you" after the divorce. In my experience, I began making these kinds of changes to be everything my XW wanted in the beginning.....but somehow in the mist of working out, therapy, deciding I'm going to be the best I can be........I did it and am continuing doing for myself and my kids. It's like a switch that came on and I learned so much. I didn't want any of the divorce, etc. but I can say that it put a lot of things in perspective for me and it's made me a better person. While your soon to be XW says "you'll be better on round 2" - she is right. You will be everything she ever wanted.......SHE is the one that will be too dumb to see that. As hard as it will be, you can't do it for her. She has her own issues.......and that is the hardest thing I've had to swallow. You will have days where you have busted your tail to get your wife and family back...it might happen, it might not......but in reality if she comes out of the fog, life could be so much easier.......but as I've learned, my XW doesn't want any part of that "normal" , and I'm getting to the point where I want what I had..and that's a partner, someone to do things with.......and it probably is going to be "with my next one" - cause she is too stubborn to see it.

[Friskyone4u]

Without knowing any more it sounds like your wife has already started her new dating life. She just forgot to tell you when it started.

Why wait??? If you can do it timewise and emotionally hit the gym hard and start looking around. Amazing what you can find in a gym .

Good luck

[MajorOak]

Yes Jeffz99

get in that gym old fella and build up that stamina, when word hits the street your single and free, you will be gold winning sexual athlete.

[stillafool]

I think getting in shape is great. If you start now you will be fit for summer and dating.

[Oberfeldwebel]

Get in shape for YOU! Exercise helps with the stress and other woman will find it more attractive, but do it to make a healthier you. You deserve a healthier you, eat healthier for you, do knew hobbies for you, read classic novels for you, learn to cook for you. Volunteering your time to help the needy will also help you take the focus off of your problems and help those that need your assistance. All these things make a more interesting you. Also take some time contemplating those things that you could have done to improve the relationship and avoid the pitfalls. Your STBXW is right, the next woman will gain from these things. She did not tell you those things for your benefit, but to deflect from her as if she is doing you a favor. That talk is nothing but hogwash, so don't buy her line. You need to limit contact with STBX to only essential communication. In time this will pass and you will move on in life. It is a Brave New World out there.

[Elias33]

There's never a reason NOT to be fit to be honest.

 

In regards to your questions pertaining to dating I'll just rephrase something I've heard through numerous outlets:

 

Strive to Be, Act As, And Look the Part of, the kind of Person you expect your ideal Partner would expect YOU to be.

 

Seek and you shall find, and have if you earn it.

 

Well said. Go through the trouble for yourself, you want someone else to go through for you as well. And vice versa. Care for yourself, so you're better at caring for others. Gain the confidence that comes with it, the looks, the attitude. There is no downside.

[Jeffz99]

Thank you everyone for sharing what worked for you...I find this very inspirational.

 

That makes me curious what changes other people made to their diet and exercise during divorce. And how you felt before and after?

 

If you could share your experiences, I would be grateful.

[2.50 a gallon]

When I caught my ExW cheating 30 plus years ago, I turned my back and walked away. Thankfully we did not have kids, so I never had to look at her again. One of the problems that I had was that I was constantly thinking about her. I found some relief in getting back into my hobbies, that I had cut back on. I also used my time to explore other hobbies that I had wanted to try, but never did. I failed at raising orchids. A co-worker turned me on to raising rare and hard to breed tropical fish. Which is still a second hobby in my life.

As for working out, I have always been skinny, and try as I might I had no chance of putting on muscle. So that was out.

I had a long bachelorhood prior to marriage, and had learned how to be a decent cook. In looking down the road and getting back into the dating game, I hit upon teaching myself how to cook some gourmet meals. I bought a cook book at Goodwill for maybe a buck or two. That turned out to be a triple winner. The meals took longer to cook, which meant that while cooking I wasn't thinking of her. Then I was rewarded with a great meal. And thirdly when I got back into the dating game, I had the women coming back for seconds. I went on to have a great post divorce sex life. That all ended about a decade and a half later, second date, first kiss and I was a goner. Third date, I brought her over to my place where we baked Halloween cookies. That is when she started falling for me. We have now been together for coming up on 20 years, and there is no doubt that my enhanced cooking skills played a big part in bringing us together.

 

 

I am now retired for several years, she still has a few years to go until she retires. She is a 60 plus year granny of a 19 year old, and still has an hour glass figure and a flat stomach. Totally out of my league in the looks department.

 

 

Oh and by the way, a couple of years back I Googled my ExW and found a recent photo. The three decades have not been kind to her. And she is easily pushing 200 plus pounds.

 

 

I am now sharing my life with a gal who is the sweetest, kindest most giving person I have ever met. And total eye candy

 

 

Divorce the best thing that ever happened to me.

[Mirages]

That makes me curious what changes other people made to their diet and exercise during divorce. And how you felt before and after?

Buy yourself a canoe, learn how to use it, must have 2 seats!

Ditto on cooking.

[Gunny376]

Any and everything you do at this point should be for yourself. When your going through Hell, just keep on going, (Winston Churchill quote). But seriously anything that improves your overall mental, emotional, psychological, physical health? Should be done for oneself, and NOT as a means to a end, (find another GF, wife, relationship)

 

 

I wouldn't worry too much about finding another SO, GF, or even a wife ~ truth be told, the odds of finding the "Perfect" SO, GF, Wife are pretty much slim to none, and "Slim just left town!" Most people be they men or women are going to find that most other people are imperfect and flawed and thus a complete waste of time, effort and energy!

[Elias33]

Thank you everyone for sharing what worked for you...I find this very inspirational.

 

That makes me curious what changes other people made to their diet and exercise during divorce. And how you felt before and after?

 

If you could share your experiences, I would be grateful.

 

There should be no after, it should be your lifestyle. If you stop a certain diet, then the results will stop as well.