feeling decieved

[sandylee1]

here nor there...while i understand what u are saying and that is true in a lot of cases. some ppl do make 1 mistake and are not serial cheaters. im not saying tha tin denial of anything or that im at all niave. I've dated serial cheaters who i kept giving more and more chances and i can tell u the personality is like night and day between the two.

 

im confused at the part where you say i need to protect my children from him? I'm not sure what u mean by that or what they would need protecton from?

 

I'm not sure who said to protect your kids. I can't see it in the thread. I think you should protect yourself, as in your feelings. Just in case you get hurt (not physically )

 

The truth is, he was tempted away from a serious relationship by you. Right now, you can't control anyone's actions but your own. You've told him how you feel about this woman and you can only leave it be now.

 

Maybe his boundaries are better now. Do you have access to his phones and computer etc. Or I was thinking as they see each other at work would that not to really be how they'd communicate.

 

I'm some ways you are in a good position, because you know how he acted while he was cheating with you. Did you see him outside work? How did he act? How else did you communicate? Because it obviously moved from inappropriate conversations to more at a point .

That may help you to see the signs, if there is anything going on. It really could be nothing to worry about.

 

Bottom line....If he chooses to cheat, there is nothing you can do about it.

[pheonixrisen]

Op. ..If you have a bad feeling , time to dig up...you said you worked in same office call people close to you and ask around if they are going to lunch as a group or just your h and her. ..when someone says I don't have to tell you everything after you told them how a particular situation upsets you there is something more going on.

 

If you cry hysterically you are just coming across as immature and childish and he will not take you seriously ....Tell him what you want and why it's upsetting (don't go with emotions just facts) and say if he chooses to continue he is telling you where you stand with him ..then back off and let him come to the decision himself what is imp...If he does not then you know exactly where you stand with him.

 

Ps calling you his wife a whore. ..never a good sign..you should not stand for any name calling

[pheonixrisen]

So I talked to him again last night, again explained why I felt how I did..both bc of who she is and the fact he lied by omission. I asked him again not to go the days she goes. That it really bothers me. That it's hurts. That I should come first. His response was "I did not lie. I didn't see it as important information you needed to know. After all I do there is no reason not to trust me. I will,not take attendance before going to lunch or walk away if she us there. You cannot control my life". After going back and forth for awhile I said fine compromise...if you know in advance she is going then you don't go. If you don't know until you're already there then you owe me the decency of at least telling me she's there. His response "no I'm not adding anymore stress to my life and that's exactly what that will do". So,even after a compromise he still refuses. He refuses To acknowledge he deceived me. So when I tell him I'm not putting up w it and I'll leave he tells me that if I want to throw it all away then do it because he's not living life with a gun to his head and he's not doing anything nor did he do anything wrong.

 

This is a very defensive attitude for some one who has nothing to hide ...He knows till what extent it bothers you but refuses to change the situation , refuses to let you know when it's happening ...something more is already going on or in the process of it happening ....I don't believe in ultimatums till you are willing to follow through ...Otherwise you will not be taken seriously ......If you give him a feeling that you threaten to leave but don't when he continues this behaviour then he will not not take any of your feelings into account and you are looking at your self suffering in silence for long...you need to decide how imp this is and take action....

[Mal78]

I think compromise is good. Does he have any history with her? Has he ever gone alone with her?

 

I get that *her* poor behavior has only started after you were gone. Sure, that does say a lot about her, not your H whom seems at this point is just a bystander in this turmoil.

 

He did lie by omission. I don't think avoiding her will help you especially if all interactions are with other co-workers. He will resent the implications and your projecting your insecurities.

 

I'm sorry you are going through this.

[linds1226]

sandy, herenorthere said it in her second paragraph. her post is on the 2nd page.

 

Me and him hung out one on one at lunch everyday..he iniated the invite for that. I iniated the invite for the group lunches and invited him with us (his whole department would always go and he always said no thanks so I tried to coax him out of his shell). We hung out after work a handful of times. He came to my house once to help me with a website i was building for my business. He's a programmer so he was actually ideal to help and it wasn't like a ploy just to get him over lol. I do have access to his laptop and if my phone isnt around or working right and i ask for his he just hands it over. i dont snoop tho. i dont go thru his texts or his emails. The thing is i never had a reason not to trust him until i found out he ommitted information from me. I wouldn't have been happy he was going out with her in the group but at least i wouldve still trusted him to know hes telling me the truth if he had come out and told me from the beginning. now it makes me wonder what the truth really is why hide it? why ignore me on lunch breaks? why am i no longer invited? these things just all add up in my head. i know theres nothing i can do about it. it just eats away at me. i have a house and 2 kids to take care of, im pregnant with number 3 and i have an autoimmune disease that feeds on emotional stress. im not sleeping on the work days. im getting anxiety. this feeling is not me. this isn't how i normally am. which is why its sending red flags up.

[sandylee1]

Okay. I didn't realise you had a baby on the way. Congratulations. I thought you may be going back to work soon and could see what's happening more closely. Your hormones will also be all over the place right now as well. The worry is no good for you or the baby, so please try not too get worked up about it.

 

So when he's not at work, do you know where he is? Has he been working late or anything? If everything seems in order then like I said it may be nothing.

 

This is just a thought and I honestly don't mean any offence by it - I know you said she has a reputation, but have you considered she may think the same of you and the fact that you ended up with your when he was engaged. Maybe that's why she wasn't friendly with you at work.

 

Again it's about the whole picture with your relationship. Is he a good husband and father? Have you sensed him pulling away from you? Is he happy about the baby on the way?

 

Would you both consider couples counselling? If so it could prove a safe environment to discuss.

 

Financial backing is advisable, so that your are not dependant on him. You never know what the future holds.

 

What other options do you really have here?

[sandylee1]

Linds,

 

I hope you're doing okay.

[linds1226]

No I was never planning on going back to work. Daycare for more than 1 kid is way to expensive and I have no one else to watch them during the day. Sending 2, now 3 kids to daycare would take my entire check. its 175 a week per child over 2 and 200 a week for children under 2. I'd be paying 575 a week for daycare.

 

he worked late twice in the past month but i have no reason to belive he wasn't actually working. He does come home. but thats because he lives with me. He didnt live with his last gf and only saw her once a week so she had no idea if he was out or not. it may b nothing big now but it wasn't anything big with us either. we started hanging out at group lunches. then it led to one on one lunches and hanging out and texting.

 

i didnt have any reputation. I was a single mom to a toddler. for 3 yrs i didnt date, i didnt go out drinking with friends. i went to work and came home. weekends were spent 100% with my daughter. she was just never part of our group. she had her own group of friends and we had our own group. and the hubby is very private...no one but our group knew of his gf and then engagement. he didnt talk to anyone and esp about anything personal.

 

hes a very good father and happy about the baby. but yes ive noticed pulling away. we used to sleep together all the time..now its like once a week. he doesnt invite me out to lunch anymore. he barely talks to me about his day when he used to tell me every single little detail of everything. thru any fight weve ever had..big or small...he has always been honest with me. but now he kept that she was joining them hidden. why? if there is nothing going on why keep it hidden? y choose to continue going with her over ur family..ur wife? y all a sudden stop inviting me? even tho me and this girl weren't friends..we weren't enemies. theres never been any conflict to where he can say "well itll b awkward with both of u there". we've always been civil and said hey in passing. we just weren't friends.

 

i doubt hed go to counseling as he doesnt see that what he does is wrong. he doesnt see how he dicates and controls but then wont listen to anything in return. he doesnt see how he negates how i feel and shows no respect to what i want and how i feel.

 

its funny..kinda a karma situation. tuesday night his younger sis called him. she mentioned she was going on a date with this guy. he doesnt want her going with this guy bc hes a "scumbag" although in my opinion hes not. he doesnt want her hanging out with him bc hes slept with a lot of girls..is a player, stuff like that. so he wanted me to text this guy and/or my bro (hes my bro best friend) and tell him something like hes dead..or not to go..something along those lines. he got so worked up and stressed out that she was going out with this guy. he kept telling his sis not to go. i refused to text anyone. shes an adult...shes single..she has a right to date who she wants. i called him a hypocrit bc he can hang out with "scumbag" girls while hes married and it bothers his wife..but his younger sis can't hang out with "scumbag" guys while shes single bc it bothers him. he kept saying theyre 2 different things and i said yea..she has no reason not to hang out with him..u do. i still refused to text or take his side and he got pissed and stopped talking to me. the best part is..if he has listened to how i felt..even if he thought i was irrational..or didnt agree...i would've shown him the same respect. but now hes pissed and upset bc i couldn't do this "simple thing" for him. i told him hes hypocritical with double standards. im not gonna b "controlled" and dicated to what to do when he refuses to ever listen to me.

[CrystalShine2011]

I would talk to him about it...be honest about what you heard!

[sandylee1]

he worked late twice in the past month but i have no reason to belive he wasn't actually working.

 

Is there any way you could verify if he was working late in the future? Drive by and see if his car is there?

 

 

 

the hubby is very private...no one but our group knew of his gf and then engagement. he didnt talk to anyone and esp about anything personal.

 

hes a very good father and happy about the baby. but yes ive noticed pulling away. we used to sleep together all the time..now its like once a week.

 

Why don't you talk to him about your feelings here? Do You initiate sex and he declines? Some men don't want sex as much when their wife is pregnant. They think they may hurt the baby.

 

he doesnt invite me out to lunch anymore. he barely talks to me about his day when he used to tell me every single little detail of everything.

 

When he gets home, try asking about his day and see how he responds. Show Interest, But tbh, I know With a child , a toddler and being pregnant you have a lot on your plate.

 

I'll say something else here. From my experience and I am not speaking for everyone, men don't take on a woman with a child unless they really love her. They already know they'll have to deal with the child's father adding more possible drama to the relationship. He obviously had very strong feelings for you to break off his engagement, when he could have had a woman with no "baggage ' so to say.

 

thru any fight weve ever had..big or small...he has always been honest with me. but now he kept that she was joining them hidden. why?

 

Because he knew it would upset you.

 

 

if there is nothing going on why keep it hidden? y choose to continue going with her over ur family..ur wife? y all a sudden stop inviting me?

 

Mention this to him . That he hasn't invited you to lunch in a little while and you'd like to come. But in all honesty, if she is there and he knows you'll get upset, he's not going to invite you.

 

even tho me and this girl weren't friends..we weren't enemies. theres never been any conflict to where he can say "well itll b awkward with both of u there". we've always been civil and said hey in passing. we just weren't friends.

 

he doesnt see how he dicates and controls but then wont listen to anything in return. he doesnt see how he negates how i feel and shows no respect to what i want and how i feel.

 

Is that only in relation to this matter or other things as well?

 

its funny..kinda a karma situation. tuesday night his younger sis called him. he kept saying theyre 2 different things. im not gonna b "controlled" and dicated to what to do when he refuses to ever listen to me.

 

Good that you didn't text the guy. His sis can decide for herself.

He's probably just looking out for her as well.

 

So was your H wanting to threatens this guy for going out with his sister?

It is a bit of a different situation though, because his sis was going on a date. Your H is not dating this woman at work, she's just a coworker. I can still understand how it upsets you.

 

Don't let this whole thing eat you up Linds. You don't need to get high blood pressure over it all.

 

I would be concerned about the pulling away and also the fact that you are not sleeping together as much. Tell him you are concerned about it. Be calm when you speak with him. Don't get so emotional about it and tell him you want this marriage to work, but pulling away so early on in your marriage is really concerning along with the other changes you've noticed.

 

Don't make the conversation about the coworker. Stick with your observations.

 

Take care of yourself.

[SparkleUk]

Was there any update on this? Hope you're ok.

[sandylee1]

Was there any update on this? Hope you're ok.

 

I was just thinking the same. Hope you're okay Linds?

[linds1226]

Nothing has changed. He still sees no issues w anything he did/continues to do. He ignores,the issue and if I bring it up I'm told,to stop. I just feel really depressed w life. Its not just this but this adds onto,the fact that he nvr listens to my feelings and what I want. He acts like they don't matter. I'm just supposed to be happy that I get to stay home..that he works hard and,comes home. That's a greatbase/foundation. But there's more to happiness. I should be respected and heard in the relationship. My wants should be met. I really do not ask for much at all from him bc I don't need a Lot.