How long does it take to feel normal again

[Rainbowlove]

I don't know, I erased him on fb and haven't met with him in a week but blocking him is so hard.

 

I know it's hard.

 

He cannot have you both. It's unfair to you. If he cannot let you go, you have to let him go.

 

I know finding the strength to do this seems impossible. You will never be able to heal and move on in contact with him.

 

Ugh...I'm sorry for your hurt.

[Rainbowlove]

I appreciate your honestly but it's not sex because we never had it, it was a PA minus sex. When this started we wanted to be together and the feelings were very real but I couldn't leave my marriage at the time. I was just as guilty as cake eating. Now the roles are reversed and I'm left feeling so hurt but it was as much my fault as his. Affairs are nightmares.

 

They are nightmares.

 

Ronnie, don't beat yourself up because you couldn't end your marriage.

 

Truth is, if he wanted to be with you, he would. He'd let go of his GF and not marry her.

 

He has you both at his disposal. You are more than likely providing an emotional need for him that the gf doesn't.

 

Has he ever really lost you?

[Ronnie33]

I know it's hard.

 

He cannot have you both. It's unfair to you. If he cannot let you go, you have to let him go.

 

I know finding the strength to do this seems impossible. You will never be able to heal and move on in contact with him.

 

Ugh...I'm sorry for your hurt.

 

I think because last time we went NC for 2 months it felt so awful. I just kept wishing the pain would stop and I would heal. I'm so scared to feel like that again even though I know I have to.

 

Occasionally you have posters on here who ended with their AP and were able to keep in LC over time and let it just go. I guess part of me wishes we could just let it go too.

[Ronnie33]

They are nightmares.

 

Ronnie, don't beat yourself up because you couldn't end your marriage.

 

Truth is, if he wanted to be with you, he would. He'd let go of his GF and not marry her.

 

He has you both at his disposal. You are more than likely providing an emotional need for him that the gf doesn't.

 

Has he ever really lost you?

 

He lost me for two months once and two weeks once. Both times were were awful for both of us. He came back an said he hates not having me in his life.

 

It's totally an emotional connection for us, yes we are overly attracted to eachother but we had been having an emotional affair for almost a year before the PA started and didn't even know it. I was so naive then.

[Rainbowlove]

He lost me for two months once and two weeks once. Both times were were awful for both of us. He came back an said he hates not having me in his life.

 

Cut him completely from your life. Focus on ending your marriage. Focus on you.

 

Do not let him in at all. He is only distracting you from the work you need to do on you.

 

It's totally an emotional connection for us, yes we are overly attracted to each other but we had been having an emotional affair for almost a year before the PA started and didn't even know it. I was so naive then.

 

I could have said the same thing about my XAP. We were in a EA and I didn't know what it was until I realized I was also starting to want her physically and her me.

 

I understand the connection. It's powerful. Breaking it is the hardest thing I've had to do and I'm still working on it. It can be done.

 

Release him. Do your work for you. If he comes back to you, after you are free and healed, so be it.

 

Right now, it cannot go on this way for either of you.

[Ronnie33]

You are right, I know you are. The only way to get past this is to go through it. There is no other way.

[Rainbowlove]

Hope it's okay if I ask how you are holding up?

[Ronnie33]

Thanks for checking Rainbow. It's been touch and go. We didn't speak until Wednesday when he text me to see how I was. I said good and kept it casual. Then he text me to hours later to say he was leaving work early and not to text him. I flipped out and told him not to flatter himself and that if he hadn't text me earlier I had no plan on texting him. We ended it on a bad note and today he text me to tell me how angry he was at me for taking a simple comment and twisting it into something so nasty and how he was up all night so mad at me that he couldn't stop thinking about it. He said he felt like I lost respect for him and our friendship and didn't give a crap anymore. I said that wasn't the case but and I was sorry for hurting his feelings. He asked me to meet him and I said no.

 

I cried Tuesday and it felt good. I was accepting the situation and just kept replaying in my head that he's marrying her and that's it. I don't know what he wants from me. He said yesterday after our fight he was so upset because he didn't think we would talk again and the thought made him so crazy. I don't get it. If I was in love and wanted to marry someone else I can't imagine still wanting to be with someone else.

 

Anyway thanks for checking in Rainbow. You are a good person and I always understand your words.

[Rainbowlove]

Thanks for checking Rainbow. It's been touch and go. We didn't speak until Wednesday when he text me to see how I was. I said good and kept it casual. Then he text me to hours later to say he was leaving work early and not to text him. I flipped out and told him not to flatter himself and that if he hadn't text me earlier I had no plan on texting him. We ended it on a bad note and today he text me to tell me how angry he was at me for taking a simple comment and twisting it into something so nasty and how he was up all night so mad at me that he couldn't stop thinking about it. He said he felt like I lost respect for him and our friendship and didn't give a crap anymore. I said that wasn't the case but and I was sorry for hurting his feelings. He asked me to meet him and I said no.

 

I cried Tuesday and it felt good. I was accepting the situation and just kept replaying in my head that he's marrying her and that's it. I don't know what he wants from me. He said yesterday after our fight he was so upset because he didn't think we would talk again and the thought made him so crazy. I don't get it. If I was in love and wanted to marry someone else I can't imagine still wanting to be with someone else.

 

Anyway thanks for checking in Rainbow. You are a good person and I always understand your words.

 

I'm glad you had the strength to say no to meeting w him.

 

He wants cake. Sounds like he's trying to keep you on a string.

 

He just seems to bring you pain.

 

I hope you can find the courage and strength to go NC.

 

It's a bytch, but I think it's better than the slow torture you are experiencing now.

 

When you are ready, you will.

 

Positive thoughts to you...wherever you are

[Josmatjes]

Thanks for checking Rainbow. It's been touch and go. We didn't speak until Wednesday when he text me to see how I was. I said good and kept it casual. Then he text me to hours later to say he was leaving work early and not to text him. I flipped out and told him not to flatter himself and that if he hadn't text me earlier I had no plan on texting him. We ended it on a bad note and today he text me to tell me how angry he was at me for taking a simple comment and twisting it into something so nasty and how he was up all night so mad at me that he couldn't stop thinking about it. He said he felt like I lost respect for him and our friendship and didn't give a crap anymore. I said that wasn't the case but and I was sorry for hurting his feelings. He asked me to meet him and I said no.

 

I cried Tuesday and it felt good. I was accepting the situation and just kept replaying in my head that he's marrying her and that's it. I don't know what he wants from me. He said yesterday after our fight he was so upset because he didn't think we would talk again and the thought made him so crazy. I don't get it. If I was in love and wanted to marry someone else I can't imagine still wanting to be with someone else.

 

Anyway thanks for checking in Rainbow. You are a good person and I always understand your words.

 

Last week when my xmm texted me he wanted me to come meet him and I said no and I could tell he was upset but I knew it would only hurt me more.... Im so happy I didn't anspd nw I'm completely done....good for you!

[Patna]

He's upset not because he hurt you or worried about you. He's upset because he lost control of you and the situation, and it hurts his ego. He's upset because he didn't get his way.

 

You proved yourself of higher value than him when you said no. Glad for you!

[Ronnie33]

Last week when my xmm texted me he wanted me to come meet him and I said no and I could tell he was upset but I knew it would only hurt me more.... Im so happy I didn't anspd nw I'm completely done....good for you!

 

I'm so happy you are finally moving on. I hope to be there with you soon.

[Ronnie33]

He's upset not because he hurt you or worried about you. He's upset because he lost control of you and the situation, and it hurts his ego. He's upset because he didn't get his way.

 

You proved yourself of higher value than him when you said no. Glad for you!

 

Thank You, you are right. I hope to finally keep the strength and keep going.

[Popsicle]

We have been through few bouts of NC. We are in contact at the moment, but I would like to stop for good. It's the right thing to do and would be best for us both. My guess is it really only becomes "easy" when/if your feelings die down for them.

[jwi71]

I'm so happy you are finally moving on. I hope to be there with you soon.

 

What's keeping you?

Honest question.

 

And don't stop with "me". Gotta go deeper.

[Ronnie33]

We have been through few bouts of NC. We are in contact at the moment, but I would like to stop for good. It's the right thing to do and would be best for us both. My guess is it really only becomes "easy" when/if your feelings die down for them.

 

That's the problem though, as long as contact remains the feelings won't die down. It's like a drug, every hit and we want more.

[Ronnie33]

What's keeping you?

Honest question.

 

And don't stop with "me". Gotta go deeper.

 

I ask myself this all the time because I hate how weak I have become when it comes to this. The only reason I can give is I'm scared of him moving on without me like I never existed and it all meant nothing. Trust me, I know how pathetic it sounds but that's the truth.

[Popsicle]

That's the problem though, as long as contact remains the feelings won't die down. It's like a drug, every hit and we want more.

 

Yes, but you will still want more for a while during NC, so be prepared. I have seen some AP's feel it for years. But it does get less and less as time goes on and eventually, you just get used to not being in contact (because it's best), even though you long for them. If you're really doing good, you will start to not see the AP in such a good light and that will help too with the feelings dying down.

[Ronnie33]

Yes, but you will still want more for a while during NC, so be prepared. I have seen some AP's feel it for years. But it does get less and less as time goes on and eventually, you just get used to not being in contact (because it's best), even though you long for them. If you're really doing good, you will start to not see the AP in such a good light and that will help too with the feelings dying down.

 

That is exactly what scares me, wanting this person for years after it ends. I just want to fast forward a year and be done. That's why NC scares the crap out of me. It's that pain and feeling like there is no light at the end of the tunnel but ironically I can say the same thing about the AP lol. It's like being on a hamster wheel, you keep running with zero progression except wearing yourself out emotionally.

[jwi71]

I ask myself this all the time because I hate how weak I have become when it comes to this. The only reason I can give is I'm scared of him moving on without me like I never existed and it all meant nothing. Trust me, I know how pathetic it sounds but that's the truth.

 

Patently false.

 

Have you ever forgotten someone in your past? Does that have ANY effect on that person NOW? Of course not. They don't even know if you remember them or not as there is no more contact.

 

Do not prescribe importance or perceived importance of yourself based on the memories (or opinions) of others.

 

My memories of former lovers or even my xW in no way affects those people. Its a reflection of ME. Not them.

[Popsicle]

That is exactly what scares me, wanting this person for years after it ends. I just want to fast forward a year and be done. That's why NC scares the crap out of me. It's that pain and feeling like there is no light at the end of the tunnel but ironically I can say the same thing about the AP lol. It's like being on a hamster wheel, you keep running with zero progression except wearing yourself out emotionally.

 

Then you will have to demonize his character in your mind. You will have to start thinking badly of him, get mad at him, or start hating him in order to speed this process up and your feelings die down.

[Ronnie33]

Patently false.

 

Have you ever forgotten someone in your past? Does that have ANY effect on that person NOW? Of course not. They don't even know if you remember them or not as there is no more contact.

 

Do not prescribe importance or perceived importance of yourself based on the memories (or opinions) of others.

 

My memories of former lovers or even my xW in no way affects those people. Its a reflection of ME. Not them.

 

I know you are right, it's completely irrational.

[Ronnie33]

Then you will have to demonize his character in your mind. You will have to start thinking badly of him, get mad at him, or start hating him in order to speed this process up and your feelings die down.

 

I have been trying but there's not much too hate. He's genuinely a nice guy and we were friends before this started.

[privategal]

I have been trying but there's not much too hate. He's genuinely a nice guy and we were friends before this started.

 

Maybe this will help you...friends for nearly 2 decades...an EA.

Back then there was immense attraction and chemistry but we were dating others it never left the ground but we always stayed in touch...I got married...later he got married...still friends, still big chemistry but unexplored...later he had kids...this was a tremendous turning point where the ea became FULL swing.

Professions of love for "all these years" it was woooww because it was hard to watch each of us marry others in hindsight...we didn't say that but it WAS.

In the end all these years later through kids marriage holidays best friendship...he dropped me.

Im leaving SO much out but within marriage it only got more complicated and guilt was pressing and added confusion.

We tried nc a few times, roller coasters and So many tears and pain beyond belief.

There were attempts to be platonic...I kept being the good friend for years...the forgiving one as he would be in love head over heels then say we had good marriages and drop off...too many times this happened.

It all came to a head and has been a few months of nothing.

Im sure in NC were both in pain and trying to get on with our lives.

Un the end its bitterness, loss of a great friend and the roller coaster did NOT pay off.

Where you are now...I continued there for years.

I thought maybe he figured he married the wrong girl and I was the one who got away.

More than likely it was boredom in marriage and no sex during pregnancy and after that caused the sudden explosion of "love"....

I said all that to say...its good your doing this now...you would likely fall in my footsteps. It huurts SO much more down the line when more memories are added to it.

Let him get married...but guaranteed down the line you'd be the fallback girl again when honeymoon period is over. And it's not pretty when again it all falls apart.

Im moving on...dont be like me. Its hell to recover the greif is so deep.

Proud of you keep going and stay blocked.

[SleekArchitecture]

I hope your recovery is speedy. I understand the demonization but I also think you will not feel normal again until you authentically feel resentment and dislike. You do not have to demonize them because you have deeply come to the point of no return.

 

 

I think of the qualities of someone I wish to come in my life and share happiness with me and I can think of none of my ex that qualifies. I deeply resent and dislike everything about him down to tiny microscopic details.