Noproblem Posted February 14, 2015 Share Posted February 14, 2015 You didn't do a horrible thing and you are not disgusting This so called boy friend is not your boyfriend he is a bad person who manipulated you and abused you to stay with him You deserve to be with someone better You must leave this psycho and begin your own journey Fight for your kid custody and this man can't turn your boy against you Only if you let him! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
pheonixrisen Posted February 14, 2015 Share Posted February 14, 2015 Big hugs to you....first you need to STOP with all the name calling to yourself ...you are already strong for coming this far ...you need to take a good look around you ...you have a good career a young son and you ...that's a good place to start . Your bf. ..One of the quality of abusive people is constantly to belittle their partner bit by bit it eating away at your self confidence and draining you of energy till you have none left and you feel weak and pathetic and responsible for all the bad around you ...to constantly hear you are responsible will make you feel responsible for all bad especially if you are vulnerable ...you are not responsible for the choices he makes in his life ...and you need to stand up for your self and let your bf know he is responsible for his own failures .....and then you should get out only because you don't want that kind of a role model for your son ... Affair is not a way out...especially for someone with your mind set ..This affair is impacting you in a very unhealthy way ..and you already have a very low sense of self worth and a very fragile ego ...you should instead invest your time in your self to get yourself to a healthy self ..you have a huge and challenging road ahead of you....I am a bs and I am in ic only because I will not allow someone else's issue and failures to impact my life negatively ...I want a healthy mindset because nothing is more important to me than being a good role model and being healthy for my child. So I would strongly suggest you take a good and hard look at you bf and your AP ..Both are not good for you ...then take a good look at your self and your son and your career these are worth investing your time and emotions in ...I am rooting for you I hope you sort your self out . 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jnel921 Posted February 15, 2015 Share Posted February 15, 2015 You sound overwhelmed. I think anyone who is juggling illness, a child and multiple relationships and family would be going through something. You need to ask yourself who is the most important person here. If you look in the mirror you would realize its you. Who needs you the most? Your child. Your child should be the person who give you the most strength to push forward. He needs you to help him grow and develop into a healthy young adult. How do you do this? By setting a good example. Having a healthy relationship. If you know your current one is loveless and your secret one has no trust, then neither is worth continuing. Do not be afraid to be alone. In the end, with counseling and the support of your family you will realize that your will finally find yourself and understand what it is that YOU need to make you happy. One day that happiness will find you and you will not need pills to numb your pain. You need to be willing to heal yourself. Don't be afraid. If you continue to be depressed or even hurt yourself everyone will suffer in the end, including your child. Its not his fault that you made these choices. The best decision you made was to bring him in the world. Someone who will grow up and make a difference. He should be making a difference in your life. Look into his eyes and remember that he is an extension of you. He needs you. BTW, I disagree with your handle. You are not a stupid cow. If there is someone in your life that has made you feel that way "that' person should be removed from your life. Good Luck to you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author stupidcow Posted February 16, 2015 Author Share Posted February 16, 2015 Thanks for all the replies - things have got worse I self harmed yesterday cut my arms with a razor as my BF started on me. He said he is leaving but the thought of losing him makes me panicky and suicidal - but then so does the thought of him staying. As for AP he says he wants to marry me bla bla thinks im an amazing woman. But he did say he will leave me alone if I am in a bad place. I have been and got anti-depressants I don't know how to get through these next few days I want to throw my phone away deactivate all social media and go far far away. And to the person who said it's easy to leave believe me its far from easy for mentally strong people let alone people with mental issues like me. I really feel like the world would be better off without me at this point. Link to post Share on other sites
Babs22 Posted February 16, 2015 Share Posted February 16, 2015 You really need to be thinking about your child right now. He needs you and he would be devastated if you hurt yourself. This would haunt him for years. You need to get some professional help. You are hurting yourself and thinking of suicide. Your boyfriend has abused you. I am not sure why you want to stay with someone who hurts you so badly. Your AP may or may not be right for you, but it sounds like you need to figure out your relationship with your boyfriend. You can figure out the AP later. I really hope you can get a handle on this, with medications, with therapy. You are not in a healthy situation. I know it is hard to leave someone you have had a relationship with for so long. There are better answers than hurting yourself. I really hope you go get some help. I have been in a dark spot too. I also have a son and he needs me more now than ever. He is 16 and dealing with fibromyalgia and severe depression. Our kids both need us to be strong and be there for them. I hope you can get some help. Link to post Share on other sites
Grizzly101 Posted February 16, 2015 Share Posted February 16, 2015 You have made the hardest step by posting this, admitting your illness, fears and asking for help! I read this and see several "me" statements here. I am a 41yr old married female, been with him for 26yrs, have a son that just left for college, have suffered from depression, anxiety, PTSD since I was 6yrs old, tried to commit suicide when I was 15yrs old and embarked on an affair this last year. Pointing this out for the commonality of "I get you!" The hardest part of this situation is the mental part. Our minds and thought can't always be trusted when we are in a state of depression. We are our own worst enemy of overthinking and self harm. That is why, IMO, that you need to start there, before ending either relationship or decide on staying in either relationship. You can't do this alone. You need a medical doctor and a shrink that you can trust! You need to feel comfortable enough to be 100% honest with and feel that you can really trust. Personally I have tried several medications over the years and am finally not feeling suicidal and hopeless. It was a long road to get here! I was lucky to have a good support system in my husband never giving up, no matter what I threw at him (even when he was a complete ass and When I tried to push him away and purposely hurt him). You start with YOU! You are the most important person in your life! You matter, no matter how bad it gets, you have to believe that. When you don't, look at that child! When you think you can't do it anymore, look at that amazing thing you created and know that even with your imperfection and doubt, your child is better off with you here! Both relationships are toxic, you are not the poison, the situation is. The abuse in your marriage can't be tolerated. Nobody ever deserves physical or mental abuse. And you think the grass may be greener on the other side with your OM. It might be. But in order for that to be a viable option, IMO, you have to think of you, rely in you and get yourself stable. Once you do that, you will be able to see with open eyes if either relationship is worth working on. Start with you. I know how overwhelming all of this is. I have lived much of it. Take care of you first, take baby steps, tell yourself it is okay to not be perfect, and take one day at a time. If you want to chat, I'm free to PM anytime:). Good luck, sweetie! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author stupidcow Posted February 16, 2015 Author Share Posted February 16, 2015 Thanks again for the replies - I think the reason i'm breaking is I am trying to sort everything in one go. I am going to start this medication get counselling and get stronger and then try and think about resolving the relationship issues. I cannot deal with it all at once. I need to be stronger and ignore the snidey comments and evil looks just think about me. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
minimariah Posted February 16, 2015 Share Posted February 16, 2015 I really feel like the world would be better off without me at this point. that's not true, sweetheart. we all got our low points and we all make mistakes and we all go through some dark times in our lives. if you feel like you need to deactivate social media and go on a vacation - do it. BUT connect with people who are close to you and who love you, don't isolate yourself. take your time to connect with yourself again. i know you're feeling hopeless and i know you think that there is no way out but please - keep fighting, keep moving on. one day at a time. there is only one true tragedy in every human's existence and that's the fact that we are all mortal - there is no bouncing back from that. everything else? you will make it through, one day at a time. good luck and make sure you surround yourself with positivity, keep in touch with your therapist and also make sure to seek help if you feel overwhelmed. don't be ashamed to ask for help. you can also vent here as much as you want, sometimes it helps. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author stupidcow Posted February 23, 2015 Author Share Posted February 23, 2015 Well I made a big step today I blocked my AP on everything he will not be able to contact me. I love him so I feel broken but this situation is killing me I need support to get through this I feel like I cannot make it through. Any words of advice I feel like my insides have been ripped out x 2 Link to post Share on other sites
thummper Posted February 23, 2015 Share Posted February 23, 2015 Is your xAP the one who stood by you and helped you through your pregnancy and subsequent depression? No. You may miss the toxic thrill of the affair, but it will fade away in a surprisingly short period of time. I don't think you'll ever regret the choice you made. Peace and happiness!!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 Well I made a big step today I blocked my AP on everything he will not be able to contact me. I love him so I feel broken but this situation is killing me I need support to get through this I feel like I cannot make it through. Any words of advice I feel like my insides have been ripped out x Holy cow! Someone is now a Smartcow. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
thummper Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 And for God's sake, STOP calling yourself a "stupid cow!" Making a mistake is human...we've all done it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author stupidcow Posted February 24, 2015 Author Share Posted February 24, 2015 My AP didn't help me through pregnancy or depression but then nor did my Bf I was extremely Ill during the last month of my pregnancy I spent nearly 24 hours being physically sick during which the he ignored me I finally managed to call my mum who then called an ambulance the baby was in distress as I was extremely dehydrated. When I had my boy I was told I was a disappointment to him as a mother due to the PND. This is all kind of coming back to me now as I spent last night throwing up with a bug all night and sleeping on the bathroom floor he woke up this morning asked if I was taking our boy to school I said I couldn't im not safe to drive - there follows the looks of disgust banging around shouting at our son for not getting ready fast enough. He makes me so sad I just want someone who would show me some love and act like they care for me. I even had sex with him yesterday when I didn't want to to try and please him. If I didn't have my boy I would truly end it all x Link to post Share on other sites
thummper Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 I hope your "end it all" quote is referring to leaving this relationship. Your bf sounds like a real jerk. You and your baby boy can find someone much better for the two of you. Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 You need to take control of the marriage get him to straighten up or get rid of him. AND keep your OM in the dust bin as well. Get IC and learn how to have a relationship. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
stellamaria Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 Well done for ending things with the AP. It almost sounds as though you know your B is bad news, and you subconsciously chose an affair in an attempt at breaking free of him, like you don't believe you are strong enough on your own. Pity the AP wasn't all that either tho, he just added to your stress and despair. Years ago, I also used an AP to flea my abusive husband. I know how hard it is. You're a decent person, you love your boy and he is your strength now, and you're in desperate times. But I promise you, life gets better for you and your boy once you leave. You can be on your own, and after working on your self-esteem etc you will attract many more people into your life. Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 Okay, good! You got rid of the AP! Good on you. Now, if your boyfriends is THAT horrible, you need to get an escape plan together. YOU NEED TO START TALKING! Start talking to people that can help you get back up on your feet! You need to find even ground and to start loving yourself again. Can't really do that if you surround yourself with people that keep beating you down! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author stupidcow Posted February 24, 2015 Author Share Posted February 24, 2015 I feel hideous I have never felt so low I want to die the guilt of the affair has hit me like a ton of bricks I hate myself I deserve nothing my insides feel ripped out I want to die im so scared. My AP contacted me he won't let me go I can't see any other way out now I'm really really scared Link to post Share on other sites
Rainbowlove Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 I feel hideous I have never felt so low I want to die the guilt of the affair has hit me like a ton of bricks I hate myself I deserve nothing my insides feel ripped out I want to die im so scared. My AP contacted me he won't let me go I can't see any other way out now I'm really really scared More deep breaths. I've been there...the no other way out thought. It's a dark, lonely place to go, so don't go there. Know that you are not alone. Others have walked in your footsteps and found a way out. Choices. Choose to keep going NC. Choose to let go. Choose YOU. Link to post Share on other sites
Author stupidcow Posted February 28, 2015 Author Share Posted February 28, 2015 Well things are terrible I have been ill as has our son and last night my bf took Ill. My boy came into the bedroom this morning crying he felt sick I was comforting him by bf was tutting etc... He said to my 6 year old "youre not the only one mate" I said leave him alone he's only 6 and he has now gone downstairs and slammed the door and is in the lounge. I just can't believe he can be so vile to our little boy I don't know who he is anymore. I am lay here upstairs now feeling anxious and scared I will be avoiding him all day. I can't go on like this but if we split I think I will crumble and hurt myself. I am starting some counselling next week. I feel hopeless and worthless. I know I have let him treat me bad for years because of the affair guilt. Link to post Share on other sites
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