Ran into OM's mom at the store.

[compulsivedancer]

She said hi, I said hi. I bought my stuff and left as quickly as I could.

 

Both H and H's mom sent her messages after DDay to inform her of the A. Before we were even sleeping together, she suspected and had words with OM about it. After DDay, when H posted something on FB about OM being a "thief and a liar," she wrote him a message asking if he knew whose bed I was sleeping in at night.

 

Road was right. I'm leaving this town. I don't want to drive by where he works, or places we had sex. I don't want to run into him or his family. I don't want to date and have to avoid places because I might run into My STBXH.

 

I just want to start over somewhere with no history or memories. With more opportunities and less stress. I hope such a place exists.

Edited February 11, 2015 by compulsivedancer

[HereNorThere]

I think we've all been there when it comes to certain triggers or reminders of crummy things that have happened in our life. One of my most disastrous relationships happened to live on my bus route to work. Passing her place (the place I actually helped her get) made me so sick that I would get off the bus early and walk the rest of the way to work.

 

 

Funny thing is, about a year after that happened, I started dating a girl that lived exactly one block around the corner from her. As I walked that girl home one night, I noticed we were standing directly in front of my ex's place and I stopped and gave her the biggest, most romantic kiss you could ever give someone. Now when I pass by her place, I think of that kiss and all I would have missed out on had I stayed with the crazy ex.

 

My point being, sometimes you have to create a new life for yourself along with new memories. Sure, in this social media driven age, it's hard to do, but you can do it. Meet new people, make new memories and give yourself a chance to be the person you want to be. Learning to resolve these emotional issues is better than running from them.

 

Good luck!

[Mrs. John Adams]

I just want to say...history and memories follow you wherever you go...you cannot run from them. But you can start over in a new place with new relationships. I wish you the best of luck and i pray you will find happiness.

[lgspot]

My area is man heavy.

Stopped by the casino for couple hours last week. There was probably 30 young women in the bar while I was there. 4-5 men per girl. Never saw a lady buy a drink. Good odds for the ladies.

Not good for us old farts.

 

Seriously Dancer, don't let em get you down. Nobody lives a perfect life. You can leave, but no need to run. You're doing the right things today and that's all anyone can ask.

[compulsivedancer]

I've been planning to move for a while. This just kind of reaffirmed the need to go.

 

I live in this small town because of H. I would never choose to live here on my own. I'm looking for the right opportunity, then I am planning on heading to another part of the country. I never intended to stay here. I have a little bit of wanderlust, and I haven't had the opportunity to travel in a long long time.

 

I also kind of thought I was fairly successfully moving on, and getting over both of the guys in my life. And this just kind of smacked me in the face.

Edited February 12, 2015 by compulsivedancer

[dichotomy]

My wife moved away from a lot of her past mess - with a goal to escape OM/MM and her ex husband and a messed up home town. However she brought some of her messed up mind set and behavior with her to my town, and still did not disconnect from that place nor start a new.

 

What I am saying - I think its a good idea to move and leave all the mess and men behind. But it requires a new mind set, behavior set. Also as you begin to date or seek your future husband/father of your kids, you will need to (at some point) address the past.

[compulsivedancer]

It's not being swept under the rug. I feel like I've pretty successfully dealt with my relationship with H, but this was a reminder that I probably need to delve more into my relationship with OM in counseling.

 

I think too much of the emphasis during our attempted R was on forgetting or moving past OM rather than actually addressing the reality of him. So I kind of compartmentalized my feelings, worries, questions, fears, etc in regards to him. But they would pop back out sometimes and cause issues.

 

When I saw his mom today, I simultaneously wanted to hide and to explain myself (I have not talked to her in any fashion since DDay). Of course by the time I was finished processing, I was already past her in the aisle.

[EverySunset]

Hi CD. I hope you find the peace you're looking for.

 

I myself ran into a mom last month - my XH oOW. Or OoOW. I dunno anymore.

 

Well, she knew me. I was sweet and engaging for a few minutes. Never mentioned how her daughter would come to my house and play up to being my friend while she was going at my husband behind my back.

 

Sometimes living here makes me sad. I kinda with I could move too.

[compulsivedancer]

Here I am at a restaurant and she's seated not too far from me. If she's seen me, she hasn't let on.

 

Even though STBXH and I are on good terms, there are so many people in this town who know my personal business. Even worse, I don't know who knows. It's possible that some of the people I work with, or old acquaintances who know H, etc, know about this.

 

H is dating someone now, and she asked him if he knew OM, because her brother plays in a band with him. The guy I'm dating lives in the same town as OM and his GF.

 

I actually love my life, my apartment, my work, etc. And yet I can't wait to live somewhere where not everyone knows my past.

[JPMC]

How awkward. Did you tell her she's number 1?

 

Yeah, time to move away. Where are you thinking?

[compulsivedancer]

How awkward. Did you tell her she's number 1?

 

Yeah, time to move away. Where are you thinking?

 

I'm not sure what you mean by number 1?

 

I think I'm going to move back into town, where I grew up, about an hour away. My whole family lives there, and I still have friends there. The guy I'm dating is also attempting to relocate there.

 

I was originally going to move far far away and start over in a new city, but I don't think I need to do that after all.

[JPMC]

#1 means giving her the middle finger.

 

Good for you for moving on with your life. Hometowns can be good because of family and support.

[aliveagain]

Seriously, what's keeping you there? Your the local news in your small town. The world is a big place, time to do that thing you always wanted to do no matter where it takes you. You only have to answer to yourself now. My greatest thrill is about the new places in the world I am going to visit and the art I am creating. I don't have to explain it to anybody. Did you know you can have your own private rail car with living room and en suite while traveling across South Africa to the Ocean? Take yourself out of the drama, I think you've had enough to last you a lifetime.

[dichotomy]

How serious are you and the guy your dating?

 

He has some links (loosely) to former OM, and now you both want to move to your home town? Wouldn't it be better to move and not have people with you who are connected (even indirectly) to the whole thing? So many great places, even throughout the Midwest, to move to ...or even farther... to start over. Kind of exciting to think about the opportunities for a single person across the country if they can find work and willing to try an adventure.

 

Thankfully my wife ex's (or at least the troubling ones and those connected to them) are 8 hours away. we would not have lasted if they were close by.

[drifter777]

I'm not sure what you mean by number 1?

 

I think I'm going to move back into town, where I grew up, about an hour away. My whole family lives there, and I still have friends there. The guy I'm dating is also attempting to relocate there.

 

I was originally going to move far far away and start over in a new city, but I don't think I need to do that after all.

Relocating to leave something like this behind seems like a good idea. But think about one thing - do you want to move twice over this? I mean what if you move an hour away and you keep running into these same situations often enough to continue to bug you? You know the whole situation and I don't - just wanted to make sure you consider all factors.

[compulsivedancer]

My hometown is a major metropolitan area. I'm not too concerned. This "small town" isn't little, but it's small enough that you run into people occasionally. But in two years, I've run into her twice, and have not run into anyone else connected to him.

 

The guy I'm dating is not tied to OM in any way, and I don't think he knows him. His small town is a bit smaller than mine, so conceivably I could run into OM or his GF there, but it's a fairly remote concern. We have only been dating a month. It's not serious yet, but it is going well and I enjoy being with him.

 

I like the idea of going wherever, but the thought of starting over all over again in a place where I don't know anyone is exhausting. Here I'll be close enough that I can still connect with my friends in both places.

[Furious]

Here I am at a restaurant and she's seated not too far from me. If she's seen me, she hasn't let on.

 

Even though STBXH and I are on good terms, there are so many people in this town who know my personal business. Even worse, I don't know who knows. It's possible that some of the people I work with, or old acquaintances who know H, etc, know about this.

 

H is dating someone now, and she asked him if he knew OM, because her brother plays in a band with him. The guy I'm dating lives in the same town as OM and his GF.

 

I actually love my life, my apartment, my work, etc. And yet I can't wait to live somewhere where not everyone knows my past.

 

 

Good to hear your soon to be ex is dating someone and has moved on. Your ex mother in law has class and respectfully did not engage with you.

[Hope Shimmers]

My hometown is a major metropolitan area. I'm not too concerned. This "small town" isn't little, but it's small enough that you run into people occasionally. But in two years, I've run into her twice, and have not run into anyone else connected to him.

 

The guy I'm dating is not tied to OM in any way, and I don't think he knows him. His small town is a bit smaller than mine, so conceivably I could run into OM or his GF there, but it's a fairly remote concern. We have only been dating a month. It's not serious yet, but it is going well and I enjoy being with him.

 

I like the idea of going wherever, but the thought of starting over all over again in a place where I don't know anyone is exhausting. Here I'll be close enough that I can still connect with my friends in both places.

 

You know, as one of the people who followed your story and the attempted reconciliation between you and compulsivemusician for all that time, I want to say that I am really, really happy that you are doing so well.

 

I also have to say that it's a bit of an odd feeling to see you both moving on. It's just a bittersweet feeling I have when I read your threads.

 

Life does go on.

 

I wish you much joy, you deserve it.

[compulsivedancer]

Good to hear your soon to be ex is dating someone and has moved on. Your ex mother in law has class and respectfully did not engage with you.

 

OM's mom. H's mom and I are still on good terms, thankfully. I ran into her a couple months ago and she was really sweet. We still exchange comments on Facebook. I actually miss her very much, and regret not being able to see her the way I used to.

[MuddyFootprints]

Eventually, the route we choose guides us home.

 

Wishing you the best, CD.

[Furious]

OM's mom. H's mom and I are still on good terms, thankfully. I ran into her a couple months ago and she was really sweet. We still exchange comments on Facebook. I actually miss her very much, and regret not being able to see her the way I used to.

 

Your ex other mother in law and ex husband are sincere folk.

They've moved on, which is healthy. Seems as though they wish the same for you too.

[LifeWasted]

Your leaving will make it easier for your exBH to move on with his life too. It's a win win for you both.

[merrmeade]

As I walked that girl home one night, I noticed we were standing directly in front of my ex's place and I stopped and gave her the biggest, most romantic kiss you could ever give someone. Now when I pass by her place, I think of that kiss and all I would have missed out on had I stayed with the crazy ex.

I just want to say...history and memories follow you wherever you go...you cannot run from them. But you can start over in a new place with new relationships. I wish you the best of luck and i pray you will find happiness.

Reading all this, I started thinking about my own "triggers" or associations that cause the original traumatic experience to re-emerge. and how they played out and had a real moment of Eureka understanding. I realized that what's happened to me is similar to what works in exposure/response prevention (ERP) when I look at the events that used to trigger the affair trauma and now do not.

 

My son had OCD - real, diagnosed obssessive-compulsive disorder - as a teenager. He had to do every action or think every thought a certain number of times and was profoundly debilitated. By some miracle, we lived in the ONLY location on the planet where there was someone qualified to apply ERP to teens and trained in this method. The incremental exposure to his triggers - while limiting, changing or inhibiting the response - gradually changed his actual brain chemistry. The biological component is hardly comparable to affair trauma but the cognitive aspects certainly are.

 

So that is EXACTLY what HereNorThere did when he gave the new girlfriend a big, wet, tonguey kiss in front of the old gf's house that had been a trigger or reminder for him of deep pain/trauma. He not only prevented the bad reaction, he replaced it with a highly pleasurable experience. Voila: cured.

 

In my case, two yrs ago, if you'd plopped me down near the family cabin - scene of the crime, I'd have thrown up on you and curled into a whimpering ball. Two weeks ago, I left the same place at peace, planning my return. Add to that, I dealt with OW/SIL directly and walked away undisturbed and relieved. The main thing that reduced the reaction came from gradually being exposed to what was causing the panic attacks, depression, anxiety, and fear. First, we drove into the state. A few weeks later, I went to the town; later, to the cabin and much later saw OW, interacted with her and left without a word to her. Now, I may still be glued to the couch and addicted to LS, but I'm not intimidated by the prospect of going certain places or seeing certain people.

 

I think that both Mrs. A and HNT are right BUT I think that - if someone wants to be able to convert a trigger into a non-trigger, it could benefit from some element of intent, some level of awareness, planning, even thou neither HNT nor I planned the things we did that allowed us to face the triggers without response. This HOW is neither instantaneous, obvious or easy. I am also sure that dismissing anyone with an insensitive "get over it already," whether implied or stated, would be as destructive as it is useless.

 

In the case of the WS, it's different, granted. But, after all, what is the response that the triggers actually stimulate? Shame I would guess (knowing how crippled my husband is by it). If you look at what Mrs. Adams did - and other WSs, who got over their (invisible) scarlet letters - it seems like key elements are also to own their actions (publicly even) and apologize to those they hurt.

 

Something like that. It's sort of the other side of the coin to what the BS (well, what I had to do) — publicly expose the affair, get acknowledgement from the abuser, and support from friends/family.

Edited April 18, 2015 by merrmeade

[autumnnight]

CD, I admire you for moving forward and for ignoring the thinly veiled digs.

 

I wish you the best.

[LifeWasted]

CD, I admire you for moving forward and for ignoring the thinly veiled digs.

 

I wish you the best.

 

thinly veiled.