Should I discuss this issue with my ex?

[Hope4thefuture]

My ex and I have been divorced for five months now. We share custody of our boys. My boys told me that he plays a game with them called "Woukd you Rather". One of the questions he asked them was would you rather be at mom's house or dad's house. I think that is out of line and totally inappropriate. Should I discuss this with him and why I think it is wrong? I am just afraid he will take it out on the boys. On the other hand I want him to know I think it's wrong to ask our children to choose between their parents. Thoughts and advice are appreciated.

[PegNosePete]

How old are they, and what did they answer?

[GoBlue]

Both of you are going to have to accept the situation and keep in mind that you have to do what is best for your boys. There is a great book I want to recommend called Co-Parenting Works! Working Together to Help Your Children Thrive by Tammy Daughtry. It has some very practical advice on how to navigate situations just like this. Anyone who has gone through a divorce understands the different emotions that come up especially when there are children involved. Has your ex-husband displayed a willingness to communicate? Why do you think he would take it out on your boys if you said something? Do you have a counselor, Pastor, or other trusted mentor who you can run this by before you attempt to speak to him? You are going to have to move forward with caution but also with courage because your children must not face the choice of choosing between the two of you. Nothing will ever change the fact that you are their mother and he is their father. Hope it turns out well. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

[lolablue17]

It's a hard question.

 

Formally, you have no right to tell him which game to play with the boys, as long it's not illegal. So the only thing you can do is to talk to him about it, hoping he will agree with you, because if he's not, He will consider your request as an harrasment.

 

I also has no clue how he feels about you. Is the communication good between you two? Did you split on good terms? For example - Maybe he feels that you take advantage your status as the prime parent and poison your boys against him? At least maybe he feels insecure about it and afraid you might do that.

 

My advice - Before you ask something, give something. Let him be with the boys more than you have to for few weeks, and then look for a good opportunity to talk to him about it.

[Ralph79]

My ex and I have been divorced for five months now. We share custody of our boys. My boys told me that he plays a game with them called "Woukd you Rather". One of the questions he asked them was would you rather be at mom's house or dad's house. I think that is out of line and totally inappropriate. Should I discuss this with him and why I think it is wrong? I am just afraid he will take it out on the boys. On the other hand I want him to know I think it's wrong to ask our children to choose between their parents. Thoughts and advice are appreciated.

 

I honestly can see your husband engaging in this game with malicious intent for reasons you already know.

 

However I can also picture him doing this as a way to jump start a conversation of what they don't like about being around their father's home, as a means to improve.

 

He can also play this game to snoop in on why your kids would prefer to stay at their mother's home.

 

It's really about the type of man your husband is. If you know him to be the type of man that would do this with malicious intent then I would suggest you gather more info from your kids and confront your husband about if it makes you or them uncomfortable.

[d0nnivain]

I would talk to your kids & make sure that they know that YOU aren't expecting them to chose between their parents & that it's OK for them to still love their dad.

 

I wouldn't attack your husband when you talk to him but I would mention it. Ask him how he thinks a Q like that made the kids feel. You have to take the high road for now but make a note some where of the date & time when he did this, in case it becomes a pattern

[Clay]

You can talk to your xH. I am not sure it will do much good. You probably know him better so you might be able to reach him and help him understand why you feel that is wrong. I personally never had good luck with having these talks. I did talk to lawyers and other people and in the end as long as the kids are safe long as it is not harmful to the kids there is not much you can do about it. The best suggestion I can give you is to just ignore this and keep being a great mom to your kids. They will know in there heart what is better for them.

 

My kids mom has always played this game with them but each time they went in front of a teacher or a counselor they always came back to saying they did not think living with there mother would be a good idea.

 

Its really horrible kids have to be caught up in these situations but its part of life when people get divorced.

 

 

 

Clay

[Hope4thefuture]

My boys are 11, 9, and 7. My oldest ask me if it is ok to like one house more than the other. My answer to him was each house is different. So you will like dad's house for some reasons and you will like mom's house for some reasons. I told him it is good to like both. My ex and I are fairly good with communication and the divorce was amicable. I just want to make sure that if he is playing this game to gain info and communicate that is one thing, but to pit one parent against the other I feel can hurt my boys and make them feel like they are choosing sides. I never want them to feel that way because I believe their dad is just as important as I am in their life.