Valentines day massacre - the break up

[Mrin]

Okay dude - gonna chime in here. I know you have a couple of threads going about this lady and I haven't read each post. But I think I know enough to dispense some uninformed and probably totally wrong advice. Ha!

 

Let me make a suggestion - forget about her. Not like forget forget about her but rather, some worrying about how she feels, or is going to feel, or not going to feel when you do whatever you may or may not do for Valentines Day. To be honest - that's all a story your brain is making up so you can externalize the maelstrom of emotions swirling inside of you. Because somehow that makes it better or at least makes you still important in her life. It is all a story man and you are focusing on the wrong thing.

 

At the core is that you were dating this lady. You probably had some feelings for her. Not huge but there was something. She started going distant and giving you a bad vibe and your "feels" ticker went straight to 11. Now you feel vulnerable and butt hurt and all sorts of stuff. Dude, it happens. I'm not going to tell you what to do except this - forget about her. How she chooses to react or feel about whatever you do or do not do is her choice.

[bohica]

Okay dude - gonna chime in here. I know you have a couple of threads going about this lady and I haven't read each post. But I think I know enough to dispense some uninformed and probably totally wrong advice. Ha!

 

Let me make a suggestion - forget about her. Not like forget forget about her but rather, some worrying about how she feels, or is going to feel, or not going to feel when you do whatever you may or may not do for Valentines Day. To be honest - that's all a story your brain is making up so you can externalize the maelstrom of emotions swirling inside of you. Because somehow that makes it better or at least makes you still important in her life. It is all a story man and you are focusing on the wrong thing.

 

At the core is that you were dating this lady. You probably had some feelings for her. Not huge but there was something. She started going distant and giving you a bad vibe and your "feels" ticker went straight to 11. Now you feel vulnerable and butt hurt and all sorts of stuff. Dude, it happens. I'm not going to tell you what to do except this - forget about her. How she chooses to react or feel about whatever you do or do not do is her choice.

 

Hey. You make sense. Yes it is externalizing the emotions going on in my head and yes it may be all JUST in my head.

Just forget about her in terms of worrying what she thinks. Hmm I can but that stills makes me vulnerable. Maybe even more so. No?

Or are you saying walk away....

 

Hey...how did my thread change categories???

Edited February 12, 2015 by bohica

[seminoles84]

Maybe:

 

 

She got an unexpected tax bill

 

 

Ugh the woooooorst!

[mightycpa]

You are so sensitive. Like a bird on a wire, twitching at every ripple in the line, poised at any moment to leap and fly away.

 

That's a lot of pressure to put on someone to be constantly reassuring you - by word or deed, spoken or unspoken - that they are still into you. And if you turn it around, think about it from her point of view: "at any moment this guy could pull back if he's not getting whatever signals he thinks he ought to be getting." So no matter how she's feeling -sick, tired, overworked, distracted, bored, annoyed - she's got to put that aside and appear 'interested' to you. That alone could make her pull back.

 

This is so true, isn't it?

 

Starting today, bohica, your focus should be on having a great time with somebody and stop with all the feelings talk. Just stop it. Be with somebody instead. Let your actions speak to how much you like someone. You'll get a lot farther with people that way.

 

There is a time and place for that kind of talk, and you don't want to hand it out like escort ads on the Vegas strip. You certainly don't want to ask for it, either. That cheapens the experience for both of you. So just stop doing that completely, and develop your relationships in other ways. It sounds like you don't know when the right time is, so for now, you should probably wait for the girl to initiate that for you. That's when the time is right.

[bohica]

This is so true, isn't it?

 

Starting today, bohica, your focus should be on having a great time with somebody and stop with all the feelings talk. Just stop it. Be with somebody instead. Let your actions speak to how much you like someone. You'll get a lot farther with people that way.

 

There is a time and place for that kind of talk, and you don't want to hand it out like escort ads on the Vegas strip. You certainly don't want to ask for it, either. That cheapens the experience for both of you. So just stop doing that completely, and develop your relationships in other ways. It sounds like you don't know when the right time is, so for now, you should probably wait for the girl to initiate that for you. That's when the time is right.

 

All this talk is here and here only. I'm not talking to her about any of this. My words and thoughts are spread out here on this forum. I never mentioned being in love or having over whelming feelings for this girl.

 

All the talk (here) is about wanting to have a good time and wanting to show her how I feel. I want to.... just be. I don't think I can make it any clearer that she also needs to let me know she is interested and excited about this.

 

I'm feeling like I would not even hear from her if I didn't reach out and I'm feeling like if I reach out often it's too much. It's feels like I can't be myself because the balance of what's expected and accepted will be thrown off. I can't have fun if I am worrying about what I say, when I say it or if what I do is too much or too little.

 

Lets take today for example: Say I don't contact her. I don't think she will contact me in any way. I also think there is a chance that if I don't contact her she will think I am not doing

what is expected and she will grow more distant....but I'm not sure.

 

Come on here. I initiated contact with her 9 out of the last ten times. I've done a lot and at some point it becomes Ok, is this girl into me. Show me something in return. I don't care if it's a good night text or showing up at my door wearing nothing but a trench coat.

 

I know I'm crazy. I get caught up in my own head. I over analyze, I think too much, etc.. etc... But maybe I am painting the wrong picture here. Show me something! I know when a girl likes me. She showed it for a few weeks. She shows hints of it when were together. I know she is capable. Don't tell me you like me but do nothing about it......

 

Four weeks in you know what she gave me ? A bud of weed. Thats fine. Very happy. But ****... I made her a huge romantic home cooked meal. Candles, music, desert. I've had girls give me cards expressing how happy they are we met at 4-6 weeks.

Edited February 12, 2015 by bohica

[bohica]

Sitting here while working I wish I would hear from her. I miss her. I want her to contact me. I want to contact her. I want romance and excitement too...

 

I actually decided to send her a text saying hello. I said "Hello Beautiful, how are you today?" that was 45 minutes ago. I haven't heard back.

 

I get excited when I meet someone I like. I look forward to hearing from them, I can't wait. I'd rather hear and communicate from them then friends who I see all the time.

I'd rather hear from them then be on facebook sharing things and liking stuff...

Edited February 12, 2015 by bohica

[Gaeta]

Did she reply?

 

You should not be walking on eggshells when you are with someone. As time goes by your relation ship should be more comfortable not more complicated. Also, it's the responsibility of both party to help progress the relationship, not just yours. If madam likes romance well she can create romance as well.

 

I know you like this woman but maybe you are simply not compatible in your personalities.

[Eaglestar83]

What happened? Thread title chAnged.... You broke up?

[martaldn]

you are only dating her for 6 weeks. this should be problems and stress free time for both of you instead it seems you have already passed the honeymoon phase which I don't think will come back at this point.

sometimes the best to do is doing nothing at all. If you think you have done all to express your interest but she didn't reciprocate in the way you expected than it means you are not that compatible. I agree with Gaeta when she said you shouldn't walk on eggshells when you are with someone but from your words, this is the only feeling i get.

step back now. if she is not that into you she wont get upset if you dont do anything for her for SV and if she was into you she would have reached out right now.

she is a 35 years old person she should stop playing games and I think you should go out and enjoy the company of other women that probably appreciate your effort more

Edited February 13, 2015 by martaldn

[bohica]

So yes, the title changed. I waited a week to speak to her and then waited another few days to see if anything was different so nothing really changed in almost two weeks.

 

I still had this huge feeling she wasn't that into me anymore.

 

She didn't reply to my text. I waited about an hour an a half. I knew she may be getting ready for work or something. I decided that I really just need to bite the bullet and tell her I didn't think it wasn't working.

 

I called her and told her very nicely and calmly that I really liked her, in fact I was crazy about her but I still am getting the feeling that she just wasn't crazy about me. I said, although it seemed like it for the first few weeks things have changed and she deserved to meet someone she is crazy about and that I want to be crazy about someone who feels the same.

 

Well, she flipped out. Yelling and screaming that I don't have patients. She argued and spoke over as I tried to talk. She blew things way out of proportion, exaggerated and twisted things so much. I couldn't keep up. When I tried to speak to she told me I wasn't letting her speak, when I tried to be calm she told me I was speaking to her like a child. It was crazy. I couldn't believe the way I was being yelled at. She brought up things I said twisted them, changed them and blew them way out of proportion.

 

I will spare all the ugly details of things said, how they were said and why. I'll say that a third party involved a little, my doing and in hindsight a very bad thing but my intentions were very good.

 

This third party is a mutual friend. This person told me that she told her two days ago that "she wasn't sure" about me. I found that out last night.......

 

I admit I can be crazy and clueless with women. I over analyze, tend to lack patients, I am sensitive and read into things and basically have what appears to be self destructive behavior that causes me extreme anxiety. I came to this forum and I seem like a crazy guy spewing his guts out. I need to work on all of it BUT as I get older I realize that I am an extremely intuitive person and that intuitiveness rears it's head like a freight train barreling down the tracks. My gut instincts tear through my belly and it's hard to hide my feelings BUT in the end I am right 95% of the time.

 

So maybe I just need to embrace my emotions instead of fighting them all the time.

Edited February 13, 2015 by bohica

[Gaeta]

 

Well, she flipped out. Yelling and screaming that I don't have patients. She argued and spoke over as I tried to talk. She blew things way out of proportion, exaggerated and twisted things so much. I couldn't keep up. When I tried to speak to she told me I wasn't letting her speak, when I tried to be calm she told me I was speaking to her like a child. It was crazy. I couldn't believe the way I was being yelled at. She brought up things I said twisted them, changed them and blew them way out of proportion.

 

Wow!! Just wow!

 

You do not want someone like that in your life!!! There were no reasons for her to get all hysterical on you! You know I am almost not surprised at her reaction, she had snapped at you before, not at this level but still, she had snapped at you because she felt you wanted a report on how you were doing with her blahblah.

 

What a ugly character she is.

 

I am very sorry, I know you are disappointed but you just dodge a bullet here, I hope you see it.

[bohica]

Wow!! Just wow!

 

You do not want someone like that in your life!!! There were no reasons for her to get all hysterical on you! You know I am almost not surprised at her reaction, she had snapped at you before, not at this level but still, she had snapped at you because she felt you wanted a report on how you were doing with her blahblah.

 

What a ugly character she is.

 

I am very sorry, I know you are disappointed but you just dodge a bullet here, I hope you see it.

 

I tried to be very nice and yes, I am disappointed.

 

She actually is very,very chill and cool to be with but very passionate too. Hot Spanish blood. Still I am surprised by the level. It was uncalled for. Maybe a sign she knew I was right or upset with herself. I don't know. Maybe a sign of who she is in which case a red flag for sure. I don't want to deal with someone who reacts so harshly and distorts things...passion aside.

 

Her friend, her best friend actually, has known her for 8 yrs and said she has never ever has acted this way. Not sure what that says if anything

Edited February 13, 2015 by bohica

[bohica]

I actually kind of feel like a heel calling her and breaking it off two days before Valentines day.

 

It has to suck and I am disappointed. Am I a douche for doing that or was it better?

 

I mean, if I wasn't getting a warm an fuzzy response wouldn't I have had a lousy time and been less then genuine in my actions?

[martaldn]

u feel a douche not wanting to have a person like her in your life? I would say you should feel relieved!

Valentine is just a day like every other day!

[bohica]

u feel a douche not wanting to have a person like her in your life? I would say you should feel relieved!

Valentine is just a day like every other day!

 

I do but I am disappointed because I like her. I just really do want someone who seems crazy about me. I think thats fair.

 

I just feel a little like a douche because Its V-Day. Girls like that and they hope for nice things. I do feel like it was the right thing. That doesn't change.

[martaldn]

I do but I am disappointed because I like her. I just really do want someone who seems crazy about me. I think thats fair.

 

I just feel a little like a douche because Its V-Day. Girls like that and they hope for nice things. I do feel like it was the right thing. That doesn't change.

 

I know you are disappointed. I would be disappointed too if i was in your shoes. But at the end of the day you need to find someone who is into you as much as you are. and she wasn't.

plus she sounded a bit crazy and honestly that is a huge bullet you just dodged.

[bohica]

Thank you. I appreciate it.

[xUnknown]

Hey man, nice job ending it. You didn't do anything wrong, so keep your head high.

 

I read your whole thread and was with you every step of the way. You felt things were off from the beginning. You were right. Keep that in mind next time it happens (and it more than likely will happen with dating these days).

 

I saw two options, end it and cut it clean before Vday, soley because of the anxiety you were having. Or, wait until after Vday and see if she does anything special for you. I don't think you could have gone wrong in either situation, and I'm sure it feels like a weight lifted off your chest now.

 

Keep up the good work man. You'll be alright. You made the right decision.

 

I was in a very similar situation, but with my girlfriend of 3 years. Long story, but I ended it a few weeks before our 3yr anniversary just because I couldn't handle the stress, anxiety and sleepless nights she was causing me. You don't do that to someone you love and care about.

 

In both our scenarios, SHE was the selfish one. She asked you that one time "are you okay" out of courtesy...that was it. She knew what you said was a lie and she didn't peruse it any further.

 

Stay strong bud.

 

Happy Singles Awareness Day!

[bohica]

Thanks man. I appreciate the positive message.

 

Funny she sent me a message yesterday saying if i would have had more patients i would have

been pleasantly surprised. First, almost two weeks of waiting for a girl to turn it around is patient. We arent married. Secondly, those words alone say she knew things weren't right.

[OMC]

That's just her needing to have the last word. Nothing more, nothing less.

[smackie9]

Wow you dodged a bullet!!

[bohica]

Wow you dodged a bullet!!

 

 

Maybe, ya. My anxiety is part to blame for all this but I needed to 'feel' more from her. I don't care that it's only a few weeks. She was giving it

and then she took it away. You can't do that.

 

It may have been some true colors coming out there yesterday. Certainly.

 

One thing I know for sure is that I feel less worry and anxiety today.

Edited February 13, 2015 by bohica

[bohica]

A big concern other then being a little disappointed I live in a small community where we all see each other from time to time. It's already bitten me in the ass

because I dated one of her best friends years ago.

 

I know we will be running into each other sooner then later. I just would have loved to have had it end nicer and would like to make peace.

[Eaglestar83]

She sounds like a narcissist, what happened sounds like a classic narcisstic rage caused by the percieved narcisstic injury you gave her.

Narcissists tend to be attracted to sensitive, dependant, personalities due to the role compatibility they perceive ( you the infinite giver, her the infinite taker)... But these are rarely ever healthy relationships and they often always end abruptly and in a very jerky fashion as seems to be the case in this instant

[bohica]

She sounds like a narcissist, what happened sounds like a classic narcisstic rage caused by the percieved narcisstic injury you gave her.

Narcissists tend to be attracted to sensitive, dependant, personalities due to the role compatibility they perceive ( you the info ite giver, her the infinite taker)... But these are rarely ever healthy relationships and they often always end abruptly and in a very jerky fashion as seems to be the case in this instant

 

 

hmmm. Maybe I'm being sensitive ; ) not if if I was just insulted or not. joking.

 

Serious, I am not dependent. A giver yes. I am a very independent guy with a lot of hobbies and interest and a little bit of a loner. I'm pretty selective with who I spend my time with and I am single the majority of the time. I only stay with someone I really like.

 

My only fault I think is that my ability to get attached to someone is much faster then my ability to really get to know someone but that is human nature. We all do that.