Valentines day massacre - the break up

[Eaglestar83]

Of course you aren't dependant in that sense. You are an adult , in late thirties I assume.... You have learnt how to adapt and handle yourself and to be on your own. We talking about your core/crude personality and narcissists can smell that from a mile. Any other, non so sensitive, or outcome-dependant, dude wouldn't have given this woman with such behaviour a second thought, they'd see straight away that she's cold, get bored with her very quick and fly off to the next flower like a bee. They wouldn't come on forums and post and try to analyse cos they simply don't give a damn.

It's her loss, she's 35, how much more gas she got to go round behaving like an immature prom queen?

You sound like a decent guy, possibly stable and family-oriented... View that as a huge plus in your armoury

Edited February 13, 2015 by Eaglestar83

[bohica]

Of course you aren't dependant in that sense. You are an adult , in late thirties I assume.... You have learnt how to adapt and handle yourself and to be on your own. We talking about your core/crude personality and narcissists can smell that from a mile. Any other, non so sensitive, dude wouldn't have given this woman with such behaviour a second thought, they'd see straight away that she's cold, get bored with her very quick and fly off to the next flower like a bee. They wouldn't come on forums and post and try to analyse cos they simply don't give a damn.

It's her loss, she's 35, how much more gas she got to go round behaving like an immature prom queen?

 

 

Oh, I see. Ok.

 

So crude?Lacking in sophistication or subtlety, Not carefully or skillfully made, not adjusted, immature ?

 

Which one? You sure it couldn't be just that I liked someone, have no one to talk to about women at the moment and was just here expressing my emotions and

seeking a little advise about this girls behavior and how to handle it ?

 

I've buzzed many of flowers. Something I am not so proud of. I really would like to stop buzzing flowers.

 

Of course it's her loss.

Edited February 13, 2015 by bohica

[Dybbuk]

You know why she was mad? Because she thought she would be the one to break it off. To hear it coming from you, and you being the one to reject her is what drove her over the edge and overreact the way she did.

 

Bohica, you and I are very similar. We're both highly intuitive people. I went through a very similar situation nearly a year ago. Met a guy, had fantastic chemistry. He said things to me that made me feel like he was excited and enthusiastic about what was going on. We slept together, made dates after that... and then one day there was a change; an almost immeasurable shift in his behavior and responses toward me that I picked up on. It's not like he was deliberately being mean to me, but I could tell from the way he was talking to me, his body language on dates... it was all subtly different and not in a good way. This crap went on for 5 months. I was trying to figure out if I was over analyzing things too much or if he was on his way out, but like you I really liked this person so I gave them space and tried to gently move forward with him as best I could (We went on 1-2 per month, and texted every 3-4 days or so), but it was a huge mistake. I wasted so much time with this person and gave him more than he deserved.

 

In the future, realize that you do need a woman who can be just as giving as you are. I totally agree that men need to be reassured from time to time, and it's not a horrible thing for a guy to want to know where he stands. Although if it's a constant barrage of questions and giving someone the third degree, then yes that's a problem but I didn't get the feeling you were doing that to her.

 

Overall, I think this woman just wasn't compatible with you. I fully agree that you can't always expect for people to reach the same intensity of feelings at the same time in a courtship, but I don't think it's unreasonable for someone to reciprocate interest and reassure a guy from time to time that you do enjoy his company and want him around. Men like to feel wanted and desired just like women do. It's important that you let them know their advances are appreciated, and you definitely did that for her in the way of favors to her. She said she wanted 'magic and romance' without the relationship so she basically wanted you to act like a BF w/o her having to be your GF. That's straight up BS.

[Simon Phoenix]

Just read this thread. I think you are better off for ending this now because it just seems like it was ready to go off the rails. Neither one of you are bad people necessarily, but you weren't good for each other.

 

My advice for you in general would be to chill out and stop worrying about how you're being perceived and what steps you should take in this situation and that situation and just act with what feels good and natural to you. You seem to overthink and outguess yourself, which just kind of ruins the vibe you created and that you give off. Don't worry about what she thinks of you doing this, that or the other. Do it, and if she doesn't like it, oh well.

 

I've been an overthinker in the past, so I know what you are going through. You need more "grip in and rip it" and less analysis, especially this early. Just trying to have fun.

[whichwayisup]

Much of this is either insecurity and also relying on her to make you feel good. you even said that you rely on her energy level and if it's not "up" then there's something wrong.

 

She was very into you but the wishy washy (possible game playing, not maliciously) got to her. And, texting! Holy sh.t, texting causes problems, I hear this all the time from one of my friends dating a guy! People tend to read something more in texts, taking things the wrong way. if there's no response right away, there's 'something' off or the person is mad, the person is avoiding. Fact is, sometimes it's impossible to text back asap, especially at work or driving a car, or at the Dr's office. etc..etc..

 

You both had an OK thing going and you picked it apart, thinking that she was thinking the worse of you, avoiding you, playing a game with you and then talking to her about it too much pissed her off. you asked so many times if things were Ok, she told you it was..Seems she just got fed up with it all and it killed the feelings she had for you.

 

Just my 2 cents.

[bohica]

Much of this is either insecurity and also relying on her to make you feel good. you even said that you rely on her energy level and if it's not "up" then there's something wrong.

 

She was very into you but the wishy washy (possible game playing, not maliciously) got to her. And, texting! Holy sh.t, texting causes problems, I hear this all the time from one of my friends dating a guy! People tend to read something more in texts, taking things the wrong way. if there's no response right away, there's 'something' off or the person is mad, the person is avoiding. Fact is, sometimes it's impossible to text back asap, especially at work or driving a car, or at the Dr's office. etc..etc..

 

You both had an OK thing going and you picked it apart, thinking that she was thinking the worse of you, avoiding you, playing a game with you and then talking to her about it too much pissed her off. you asked so many times if things were Ok, she told you it was..Seems she just got fed up with it all and it killed the feelings she had for you.

 

Just my 2 cents.

 

Wrote a response to this but just edited it down....

 

I'll just say that you have it pretty backwards. She was wishy washy. She gaveth and tooketh away. I didn't play any games at all. I was honest an upfront with everything

after giving her space for about a week after I sense she was 'flipping'.... I mentioned it once as person wanting to know if everything was ok and if she wanted to continue seeing each other. Very normal.....Waited almost another week and except for a few moments nothing changed. She change after she read into something and made mountains out little things.

 

I have far less anxiety and concern about this girl then I did two days ago. I slept well for the first time in days. I miss her but I am no longer worried if this girl likes me and she wasn't giving me what I want. Additionally, she flipped out, yelled at me twisted things, exaggerated everything. Her thoughts, her feelings that I could in no way change. It's was immature. I tried speaking like an adult. How she acted was a major red flag and I certainly don't want that in my life.

 

If she realizes she misses me, and wants me in her life she will let me know. Otherwise, moving on.......

 

Only issue I have now is that we both live on a 10mile long half mile wide barrier island. We know a lot of the same people and go to some of the same places.

Wish it ended the way I wanted it to and not with her freaking out.

Edited February 14, 2015 by bohica

[High_hopes]

 

If she realizes she misses me, and wants me in her life she will let me know. Otherwise, moving on.......

 

Only issue I have now is that we both live on a 10mile long half mile wide barrier island. We know a lot of the same people and go to some of the same places.

Wish it ended the way I wanted it to and not with her freaking out.

 

 

Don't think she has a right to want to be treated like a gf but not want to treat you like a bf. If she misses you she really needs to hit a home run by letting you know in a big way. I think she also needs to explain her behavior in lashing out at you.

 

If the situation is a close to home type of thing them maybe a peaceful resolution should be found but maybe not go out of your way to do it.

I understand you want to be the mature one but you tried that route. If you see her, pull her aside.

[bohica]

****...

 

I think I'm missing this girl. Total moment of weakness...and apparently a walk of contradiction....

 

If she didn't over react, exaggerate, and then freak out on me I'd probably cave in..... trying to hang tough

Edited February 14, 2015 by bohica

[Gaeta]

****...

 

I think I'm missing this girl. Total moment of weakness...and apparently a walk of contradiction....

 

If she didn't over react, exaggerate, and then freak out on me I'd probably cave in..... trying to hang tough

 

Do not go back to this woman even if she comes back on her knees.

 

What she did to you was condescending and disrespectful, she will do it again and again. When a woman treats a man like this it's because she does not look up to him, and a woman needs to look up her man to fall in love.

 

Don't worry about people around, in a couple of weeks people aren't gonna care what she has to say, it will be old news.

 

Also, about her friends saying she is not like this, well there is a huge difference between being a friend to someone and being a girlfriend to someone.

 

My family has set me up with their 'friends' they told me how wonderful men they were, generous and fun and how they would be good boyfriends to me. I met with them and they were absolutely awful !! Yes these guys would be good friends, always ready to get up and help you with moving or your car problem BUT as a boyfriend these men had nothing to show for.

[bohica]

Hey

 

I don't know what it was. Like I said, she read into things a lot. All I did was sense something was either wrong or she wasn't into me and I wanted to find out. I didn't do anything bad, disrespectful, etc... I really was into her. Her view of how or why a certain event took place ruined it for her. She changed and that ruined it for me. Instead of being happy I became all messed up in the head.

 

She was great for the first few weeks. She was giving me all those great things but then took it away. You don't expect me to wonder wtf is going on. I could have just walked away and said nothing of it. For some people that's the move but for me it wasn't. Call me sensitive, emotional, what ever. Then to yell at me the way she did.

 

Anyway, I don't want to rehash it all. Great news though! (sarcastic) .......

Had a moment of weakness late last night and I sent her a text.

I know, I know....... Give me the beat down I deserve.

Edited February 15, 2015 by bohica

[Eaglestar83]

Gaeta is right, all this PC talk about equality is nonsense, gender roles are there and intended by nature despite what everyone else says. a woman needs/wants to look up to her man to respect him, because he is the source of security for her. If that element isn't there, sadly it's the end.

 

I've seen this play out in my life right infront of my own eyes. Girls who I thought were loyal, sensible, kind and reliable, I've watched them slip away bit by bit, until I could no longer recognise them.

[bohica]

I think you took it a whole other level. I didnt take what she said as me not living up

to my role as a male as the reason for this girls turn around.

 

Basically, this girl took someting i said out of context, got spooked, turned off the interest and couldnt

turn it back on. I never changed who i was from day 1.

I sensed the change and addressed it. I became the bad guy.

 

At the end of the day the thing that sticks out most to me is how she

reacted to me breaking it off. Juts seemed really shocking.

It was immature and selfish.

Edited February 15, 2015 by bohica

[whichwayisup]

Hey

 

I don't know what it was. Like I said, she read into things a lot. All I did was sense something was either wrong or she wasn't into me and I wanted to find out. I didn't do anything bad, disrespectful, etc... I really was into her. Her view of how or why a certain event took place ruined it for her. She changed and that ruined it for me. Instead of being happy I became all messed up in the head.

 

She was great for the first few weeks. She was giving me all those great things but then took it away. You don't expect me to wonder wtf is going on. I could have just walked away and said nothing of it. For some people that's the move but for me it wasn't. Call me sensitive, emotional, what ever. Then to yell at me the way she did.

 

Anyway, I don't want to rehash it all. Great news though! (sarcastic) .......

Had a moment of weakness late last night and I sent her a text.

I know, I know....... Give me the beat down I deserve.

 

Did she reply back?

[bohica]

Did she reply back?

 

No she didnt.Not really broken up about it either.

Edited February 15, 2015 by bohica

[Gaeta]

Bohica: We see someone's true nature during disagreements and misunderstandings, not when things are fun and dandy. She showed you her true nature. She is dramatic, impatient, condescending, entitled. What makes a relationship last is the ability to solve our differences with patience and respect.

 

In my eyes you did nothing wrong, and even if you had done something wrong, the way she reacted is not the way to solve a misunderstanding. I don't know why you would want that woman back in your life. (you texting her last night was an attempt at that). She has no respect for you.

[bohica]

It is true, we reveal our true selves in those moments.

 

I dont feel so terrible at myself for texting her. Not a big deal.

 

Its really all just conversation at this point...

Edited February 15, 2015 by bohica

[bohica]

Saw her out yesterday at a local restaurant with some girlfriends.

I didn't pay her much attention.

 

I am done playing games in my life. I don't need small town drama, games or

adversaries amongst the people I see all the time. I touched base with this in my last post. In addition, she is close friends with a few women and guys I've known for years.

 

I am more upset with myself for allowing myself to get involved with someone so close to home. I am 46 yrs old and her in her mid 30's. I have no desire to be in a position where I am ignoring women or they are ignoring me. Particularly, when no one did anything wrong. It's so immature.

 

I called her later to tell her I didn't want an adversary in her and that I thought it's better to talk about this sooner then later. She didn't answer, I left a message and she didn't return the call. She lives less then a half mile away! I'm close to driving my ass over there.....

 

Give it to me Gaeta! I have it coming...bring it. ; )

Edited February 16, 2015 by bohica

[Gaeta]

I called her later to tell her I didn't want an adversary in her and that I thought it's better to talk about this sooner then later. She didn't answer, I left a message and she didn't return the call. She lives less then a half mile away! I'm close to driving my ass over there.....

 

You want her to call the police on you?

 

Let it be.

 

You don't need to talk to her just move on with your life. You won't get anything satisfying out of her. She is immature and self-entitled.

[Gaeta]

 

Give it to me Gaeta! I have it coming...bring it. ; )

 

Don't get me going lol

[bohica]

Don't get me going lol

 

haha... Can't we all just get along!

[Chi townD]

haha... Can't we all just get along!

 

 

Well, you having insecurities? Nah. I think you had concerns. Her problem was is that she wanted you to be exciting and romantic towards her. But, in my opinion, that would have had you walking on eggshells around her. Wondering if you were doing enough. She wanted you to place her on a pedestal. But, here's the rub. Most girls don't want to be placed on a pedestal. Because, sooner or later, they're going to realize that they are looking down on you. And that's when they realize that they can step all over you at the height you placed them at.

 

 

Most girls would rather be at your side. Your partner, your equal. Walking through life hand in hand and side by side. She wanted to feel excited, wanted and romanced 24/7. But, that's an unrealistic expectation. She wanted YOU to do all of these things. She wanted YOU to do all the heavy lifting in this relationship. But, what did she promise to you? I mean, guys want to feel wanted and desired by their women as much as women want to feel that from their men! But, I have a feeling she never gave you an indication that she wanted to put in any of the heavy work. And that's not a fair expectation for you.

 

 

Time to move on dude. Time to heal from this and get your life back.

[bohica]

Well, you having insecurities? Nah. I think you had concerns. Her problem was is that she wanted you to be exciting and romantic towards her. But, in my opinion, that would have had you walking on eggshells around her. Wondering if you were doing enough. She wanted you to place her on a pedestal. But, here's the rub. Most girls don't want to be placed on a pedestal. Because, sooner or later, they're going to realize that they are looking down on you. And that's when they realize that they can step all over you at the height you placed them at.

 

 

Most girls would rather be at your side. Your partner, your equal. Walking through life hand in hand and side by side. She wanted to feel excited, wanted and romanced 24/7. But, that's an unrealistic expectation. She wanted YOU to do all of these things. She wanted YOU to do all the heavy lifting in this relationship. But, what did she promise to you? I mean, guys want to feel wanted and desired by their women as much as women want to feel that from their men! But, I have a feeling she never gave you an indication that she wanted to put in any of the heavy work. And that's not a fair expectation for you.

 

 

Time to move on dude. Time to heal from this and get your life back.

 

Man, I agree with you 100%. We only dated a few weeks. She did give for a while but then she took it away which makes it worse. Just got a really bad vibe which led me to back off....

[bohica]

She returned a message yesterday via text:

 

"......let's not beat this down too much otherwise it would make things awkward.

If I see you out I will treat you like a friend because I like you. We only dated a few weeks. There is nothing really to talk about here....."

 

This, a few days after she flipped out on me for breaking it off with her. Seems quite blasë about things now. Probably shouldn't be surprised considering she did do the abrupt turn around.

 

I think it's a b.s answer to play it off like she doesn't care. Figured I'd play it off like I didn't give a ....either. I just said ok. Great. Agreed. Glad you see it that way.

 

Saw one of her ex's who I know personally. Told him I was seeing her until recently. He told me a story that sounded very similar. The same thing happened to him. One day she just seemed to lose interest in him and he said almost the same exact things to her. "what's going on, you seemed to losing interest"

 

He gave some more insight on her priorities. Basically said, she's selfish, doesn't know what a guy likes and isn't emotionally available. Wasn't bashing her at all. Like me, had nothing but nice things to say but in the end she doesn't know what she wants. They only dated two months and blamed him for everything that went wrong. Came to him a month later saying she was wrong and he was right.

Edited February 17, 2015 by bohica

[Eaglestar83]

There you go bohica, you got all the answer you need to move on and never look back. She is clearly unstable and flips out/can't handle her emotions.

 

You know when it comes to long term relationships, there come days when we are tired, stressed, exhausted and short fused, days when even on hearing a partners voice gets us annoyed and agitated, doesn't mean we are free to lash on them and use them as an emotional punch bag. We are adults not teenagers. We learnt how to control our emotions because we know that the world doesn't revolve around us. This girl is not a long term martial. I bet most of her past. Relationships consisted of nothing more than a few months encounters.

[bohica]

There you go bohica, you got all the answer you need to move on and never look back. She is clearly unstable and flips out/can't handle her emotions.

 

You know when it comes to long term relationships, there come days when we are tired, stressed, exhausted and short fused, days when even on hearing a partners voice gets us annoyed and agitated, doesn't mean we are free to lash on them and use them as an emotional punch bag. We are adults not teenagers. We learnt how to control our emotions because we know that the world doesn't revolve around us. This girl is not a long term martial. I bet most of her past. Relationships consisted of nothing more than a few months encounters.

 

Yes. I agree

 

I actually think her and I are similar in the fact that we are sensitive and if we get something in our heads it's hard to shake it. We analyze and read into things and also are very passionate emotional people.

 

Difference being is that I'm not a kid anymore. I feel I am more in touch with my emotions, I am willing to take risks. I am not afraid to be in the moment and be happy. I look for reasons to be with someone. I want intimacy. Where as she hides from her emotions and looks for something to go wrong. It was going well. She ruined what could have been a good thing because she doesn't want to grow up.

 

"She wants to party

She wants to get down

All she wants to do is-

All she wants to do is dance

All she wants to do is dance".....but NOT make romance... ; )

Edited February 18, 2015 by bohica