Friends

[Kaizen]

Why is it some guys can be 'friends' after a breakup or rejection or a 'Let's just be friends'? I mean, for those that do settle into the friendship, it may or may not be a facade just to 'get to the person' and maybe shoot for a relationship further down the road, but I'm sure there's MANY anecdotes where a true friendship develops.

 

I'm in the other camp. Being with the person I care about, but not being able to express my true feelings because we're friends is killer. It's cruel to that person you care about if you deny her the friendship, but it's just as cruel to put yourself through the emotional crucible. Her feelings are hurt, but yours are too.

 

What does maturity dictate? To me it seems like it is maintaining the friendship. Life cannot be all cake and candy, and if you're not dealt a perfect situation, why throw it all away. By maintaining the friendship, you're making the best of what you have.

 

But then I got to thinking... if your feelings are so IN THE WAY...that maintaining the friendship is merely MAINTAINING IT, there's no point. Friendship is mutual. I mean, you wouldn't tell someone to tell someone in an unhappy relationship to 'stick with it' and 'make the best of what you have,' or 'appreciate what you have.' You'd tell them about the other fish in the sea, or that they deserve better, etc. Is friendship any different?

 

If it's even possible, what kind of guys would you expect to be able to do the former (be friends), and the latter?

 

Personally, this information would help a lot because it'll most likely shed some light on myself.

 

Thanks for your time. =D I really appreciate it.

[juliet]

Hi

 

Interesting post. Love your thoughts on this issue.

 

I agree with you here but sometimes find it very difficult as I am in a situation where I am friends with a guy (never seen him but met on internet nearly a year ago). We became close, talking nearly every night for hours and hours - teasing, laughing etc.

 

I am unavailable to him (married) but would like to continue the friendship and in fact meet him. I requested to meet him recently and he told me it would be giving me unfair signals although I only asked for friendship, so am very confused as to why he would say that. Maybe he means unfair to him I don't know. He will not be really honest about this and when I asked further he told me to stop picking on him. Actually sometimes we have become so close that he (by the things he has said) must have felt it too.

 

I think he wouldn't meet me because deep down he is aware that we would be more than friends, but could not actually admit this. In fact, I would find it extremely difficult and it is painful now because I do have feelings for this man but am in two minds whether to end the communication with him altogether. He tried by not contacting me for 6 weeks and when I asked why he told me he was just really busy etc (he is single by the way but found out through another source he as just found a girlfriend). He still contacts me by email at work and we talk and I still feel close but I think we are both struggling with the fact that we know it's a friendship but feel so much more, but none of us are really being honest about the situation. I have tried but he will not acknowledge what I say and am unsure as to why.

 

I think the sensible thing to do with people in this situation (I'm talking about real friends too who have actually met) is to be totally honest with each other about how they feel and not hurt the other one by just ending the friendship suddenly or backing off because of fear.

 

I don't know what I am hanging on to because I feel I am gaining nothing from this type of friendship because I am always wanting the friendship to progress - ie to meet, to see him laugh etc, to reveal more about each other through email contact, but I know this is very unfair on him too. Each time he contacts me I find it painful that I cannot express how I really feel because of fear of losing a friendship which isn't exactly fulfilling in the first place. My feelings are so in the way that I cannot value it for what it is - two people who email each other (very brief conversations now and no intamacy or sharing) when we had so much more in the beginning. I feel I have lost something.

 

I think to remain friends and really mean friends when a relationship had previously existed there is always some sexual jealousy involved because it is human nature. People may try to be mature about it and accept other partners in their friend's life, but it will be a constant struggle. I am sure there are real mature people out there where true friendship exists - lucky them.

 

Sorry if this reply as turned out to be personal and not exactly replying to your message - I have got carried away a bit.

 

Bye

Why is it some guys can be 'friends' after a breakup or rejection or a 'Let's just be friends'? I mean, for those that do settle into the friendship, it may or may not be a facade just to 'get to the person' and maybe shoot for a relationship further down the road, but I'm sure there's MANY anecdotes where a true friendship develops. I'm in the other camp. Being with the person I care about, but not being able to express my true feelings because we're friends is killer. It's cruel to that person you care about if you deny her the friendship, but it's just as cruel to put yourself through the emotional crucible. Her feelings are hurt, but yours are too. What does maturity dictate? To me it seems like it is maintaining the friendship. Life cannot be all cake and candy, and if you're not dealt a perfect situation, why throw it all away. By maintaining the friendship, you're making the best of what you have. But then I got to thinking... if your feelings are so IN THE WAY...that maintaining the friendship is merely MAINTAINING IT, there's no point. Friendship is mutual. I mean, you wouldn't tell someone to tell someone in an unhappy relationship to 'stick with it' and 'make the best of what you have,' or 'appreciate what you have.' You'd tell them about the other fish in the sea, or that they deserve better, etc. Is friendship any different?

 

If it's even possible, what kind of guys would you expect to be able to do the former (be friends), and the latter? Personally, this information would help a lot because it'll most likely shed some light on myself. Thanks for your time. =D I really appreciate it.