Daddy, when's Thursday?

[phoenix19]

Thanks Sandylee.

 

 

I do have times of self pity...as everyone on here knows the emotions when going through something like tis are very up and down. It's a process...with time it will get better...I just want to find a way to not get bogged down in more of the bad and turn to more of the good, but thoughts, and day to day experiences will kind of dictate that. Meeting new people eventually for me will be good. I need to meet people and not just talk about the last 18 years... I used to be a fun person, it'd be nice to rediscover that.

 

 

As far as her telling my daughter before me, yeah that was wrong, Leaving how she did...wrong.......but she's maintained through this that our daughter is the most important person in this whole thing and she wanted to let her know to gauge her reaction as aur daughter is the one that is most impacted by this.. I found out the day after, from my daughter.

 

 

Some people will read into this last paragraph that I must have been abusive and she wanted to escape the clutches of an evil partner (me)... but that wasn't the case. In her words, she just wasn't happy anymore...she's told me recently that she just didn't love me like a wife should love a husband. What do you say to that?...There isn't anything to say to that. Again, I disagree with "how" she left..a bit of "why" she left and think we could have talked things through and probably we'd still decided to separate, but at least I wouldn't have been caught offguard and wouldn't have the resentment I have towards her today. (which isn't good for anyone involved). I'd probably be at a better place emotionally today and we'd still have more of a relationship, maybe close to someday "friends".

 

 

"it's complicated"...hard to know what will be in 3 weeks, 1 year, 10 years...I just hope I'm happy.

[Chi townD]

I still say that there does not have to be a replacement lined up for a woman to up and leave. That's not to say there isn't some other man in this situation. I have three friends that would leave their marriages right now, if they had the financial means and they don't have OM lined up. In fact one of them is even a BW.

 

So please with respect, don't make those generalisations about women. Anyone can be very unhappy in a marriage and decide to cut loose.

 

 

I like the fact that Phoenix is not wallowing in self pity about this as well. It's good to look towards a future separate from her. Some people are okay with a so so marriage and others are not. My cousin left his so so marriage because he wanted more and his Ex thought things were fine. She kept saying we can't be on a honeymoon forever. She was shocked when he said he wanted a D.

 

To tell your daughter before telling you was really wrong on so many levels. I would personally find that unforgivable. But in the end is best to just move on with your life. You'll need a place you can more comfortably afford, since she just upped and left. That was rather irresponsible and inconsiderate of her.

 

Keep posting and kudos for looking forward. It's the best thing here. Be the best dad that you can to your daughter. All the best.

 

 

*sigh* Okay. I'll leave you with two words....Just wait.

Edited February 15, 2015 by Chi townD

[sandylee1]

*sigh* Okay. I'll leave you with two words....Just wait.

 

You're missing the point here. Even if that is the case here, it's NOT the case with every woman who leaves a marriage. Is it inconceivable to you that a woman can't live without a man or something?

[Chi townD]

You're missing the point here. Even if that is the case here, it's NOT the case with every woman who leaves a marriage. Is it inconceivable to you that a woman can't live without a man or something?

 

*sigh*....Nope, I'm not the guy that says EVERY woman is a cheat. I'm just saying in this case, two words......just wait.

[phoenix19]

so, I've apparently turned into a soap opera or some type of betting game to see whether or not my wife cheated on me?! That's the kind of crap I don't need. I have my own active imagination on those "down" days to provide enough fuel of the "worst case scenarios".

 

 

 

 

No one here can provide the answers I need, and I stated that in my second post. I was more looking for how people adjust to a breakup, some type of support etc...and I've gotten some of that, but also some crap comments too from people that apparently have some baggage they are still holding on to from their past. Good luck to them.

[No Limit]

The main trouble most people coming out of a marriage/long term relationship have is getting used to being alone. You need to regain your footing before you step out to this 'evil, scary world'. But you can't do that when simultaneously everything in your head is getting whirled up all the time. Got any hobbies, or anything like a "always wanted to do"-list? Doing sport is also a big plus, not only because it's a great distraction but also because it is good for your health in general and will raise your 'ranking' in the dating world.

[KBarletta]

No Limit is right.

 

I suggest the following ways to adjust/cope that have worked for me:

 

1. Initiate as little contact as possible with your ex.

 

2. Make a long list of things you've always wanted to do/be, then get started.

 

3. Strengthen ties with family and friends. Explain that you are going to need them around you. If they're real friends they'll understand. Don't spend too much time alone.

 

3. Exercise regularly, eat healthy, drink lots of water.

 

4. Look good, smell good. Be a guy women would want. This helps by making you feel better about yourself, could make your wife regret leaving, and down the line might just pay off in other ways.

 

5. Be a GREAT dad. Always.

 

6. Go outside every day. Feel the sun. Take a walk, even if it's just to get a cup of coffee.

 

7. You will feel sad. Just don't dwell on it. If you have to, blast some music, scream, punch a punching bag. But let it go.

 

8. Keep a journal. When you feel overwhelmed, write down your thoughts.

[sandylee1]

Thanks Sandylee.

 

 

I do have times of self pity...as everyone on here knows the emotions when going through something like tis are very up and down. It's a process...with time it will get better...I just want to find a way to not get bogged down in more of the bad and turn to more of the good, but thoughts, and day to day experiences will kind of dictate that. Meeting new people eventually for me will be good. I need to meet people and not just talk about the last 18 years... I used to be a fun person, it'd be nice to rediscover that.

 

Your welcome. I know the pain of a loved one leaving. It's really truly awful. I was so torn inside when it happened to me. Kept blaming myself for it .

 

I portray quite a strong exterior so people around me never knew that I was hurting so bad.

 

I still see you have positivity in you and considering how sudden this all was, you really are doing great. Sometimes the relationship you have just seems to slip away. Life gets tough and communication can be a problem, I've been there.

 

 

"it's complicated"...hard to know what will be in 3 weeks, 1 year, 10 years...I just hope I'm happy.

 

I'm sure you will be happy. I detect a strength of character in you. When I was in a similar situation (not married ), I used to look or try and look forward to the next year and tell myself, I'd surely be over it by then and hopefully happy in a new relationship.

 

Take care and sorry about you feeling your life is a soap opera. That's certainly not how I see it.

[phoenix19]

Thanks KBarletta and No Limit...

 

 

No Limit's point about being alone is spot on, it's daunting. Makes me uneasy and to think I need to move out of our house this summer is a heavy burden. (I've put a lot of work into this place). But yeah, everything is different, cooking for self is no fun and I used to really enjoy cooking. It's all an adjustment, every now and then I find a positive (hey, no one's here, I'll just go for a run)

 

 

...

 

 

As for KBarletta's points:

 

#1 is hard because of daughter, but most conversations with ex are short and about daughter.

 

 

# 2 One of the first things I did after wife left was go by a new shirt, it was just symbolic, something I rarely did without her. Then I went and bought an electric guitar...needed to make noise. Learning guitar has always been on my list of things to do...(It's harder than I anticipated! :-)) Professionally, I'd like to do more. I'm usually timid and reserved with strangers, but I've always liked public speaking for some reason.

 

 

# 3a - Family ties - yup that's in the works, hard since family has never really been close, but they've stepped up. Friends from work have been good to me too with picking up the slack at work at times, and a few of us went on a weekend trip a couple weeks ago, that was good too.

 

 

#3- Exercise ->Yes, I've begun running with a little cross training (Run 3 days\week at an indoor track and do stairs as well). Winter weather is tough here (Canada), still run outside if windchill isn't too bad, but looking forward to spring weather. It's been one of the best forms of release I could have asked for. I've been very sensitive to sleep and dehydration and have noticed the direct link to my moods. It's something I actively try to keep in check.

 

 

4- yeah, this needs work, probably the next area to focus on.

 

 

5- Daughter with me at the house is when I feel the most normal... It's been challenging at times as she's been asking more questions and I don't have the answers. She's just so amazing....

 

 

6 - yes...Sun is good... I miss the sun...

 

 

7- Loud music is also therapeutic...I'm the prototypical guy in the car next to you singing because he thinks no one sees (or hears) him.

 

 

8- This something I've thought of doing, but haven't done yet. Early on, during a "good day" I thought of actually writing something about my process to try to publish to help others ...never did. Think I need to start with smaller steps...in this regard.

 

 

I truly appreciate your insight and words of encouragement

[No Limit]

No Limit's point about being alone is spot on, it's daunting. Makes me uneasy and to think I need to move out of our house this summer is a heavy burden. (I've put a lot of work into this place). But yeah, everything is different, cooking for self is no fun and I used to really enjoy cooking. It's all an adjustment, every now and then I find a positive (hey, no one's here, I'll just go for a run)

 

Whatever of your normal things seem boring now that you're on your own, you can spice 'em up. If you like cooking try to get one of those exotic cook books. Challenge yourself.

[Wisc_divo_dad]

"# 3a - Family ties - yup that's in the works, hard since family has never really been close, but they've stepped up. Friends from work have been good to me too with picking up the slack at work at times, and a few of us went on a weekend trip a couple weeks ago, that was good too."

 

This is a big one Phoenix19, it was the biggest for me. You never lose friends or family, but through something like this you learn who your true friends always were. Embrace those that support you, and let them help you navigate the muddy waters.

[Bluesandy]

Sorry to break this to you, dude. When a woman gives you the "I love you but I'm not in love with you speech". 9 times out of 10. There's usually another guy. That's straight out of the cheaters handbook. Another red flag for me is that when she saw that you activated your Facebook account, she immediately blocked you. That tells me that she's scared you might see something you weren't meant to.

 

I agree with that statement... My wife of 23 years did exactly the same to me.... left without a word, the I love you but not like a wife, bla bla bla.. same scénario.,. We never argued, so was a total surprise for me, my daughters, my friends and even her familiy.. She deleted her facebook account were she was pretty active before... After a week, she told me to sell everything (hopeffully I got a good lawer and finally I kept everything, including my 3 girls), and after a month, I found out she had an affair with her boss who left his family as well... After two years, I am much better, on my 2nd LTR. She split with her boss, and is now on her 4th relationship, all three previous turned out bad for her...

So don,t worry, believe in you, forget her (I know how it is hard), try as much as you can to have a new life... The hardest part is the management of the friends... As I was definitively not in the mood of going out, she kept almost all of our common friends who didn't understand why I wouldn't accept to come to the parties if she was there (and she made of point of being everywhere with her new partners), so I was little by little evicted from our circle of friends.. They did as everything was normal, and it was not from my perspective. I just kept my best friends, and created a new circle of friends.. Live go on.. don't worry...

Best luck and courage...

Edited February 18, 2015 by Bluesandy

[Bluesandy]

I disagree with this and it's a big generalisation. Women DO move our without another man in tow. Especially when they have the financial means to do so. That is usually what holds them back, even when they are in unhappy marriages.

Correct, that's why the ones insecure financially (what ever is their position) do not leave without a plan B, where another man gives her the courage to step up...

Edited February 18, 2015 by Bluesandy

[phoenix19]

*sigh* ...good days bad days...

 

 

Today I received 20 line text from her asking a bunch of questions \ comments about the terms of our separation. (we don't have an agreement in place yet). A text?...not even an email...a text.

 

 

*Grow up, pick up the phone, talk to me, we can meet somewhere neutral and discuss these things like adults for once since this "end" started...* ...is what I wanted to respond... But I basically politely responded we should talk about these things in person...

 

 

I'm frustrated at how we deal with this...since there really is no "we".

 

 

AARRRGGHHH!

How do I get through the next 6-12 months without losing my mind?

[phoenix19]

I might have just made things worse...she came over to drop something off for our daughter. We finally started talking about terms of separation...and who should pay what and what is each of our entitlements to pensions and retirements savings, house, debt etc... etc...long story short, she ended up threatening to take full custody if I was going to ask her for some type of child support equalization payment (2-300$\month). (Canada has a thing where if you have shared custody, each parent has a monthly $ allotment they are responsible for based on the number of children & based on your revenue...so for shared custody, it's parent with higher allotment, minus the lower earning parent's allotment, would get paid to the lower earning spouse 9as long as it's 50\50 custody), She couldn't believe I would ask her for that amount. She stated she wasn't trying to be dirty...I might have mumbled something about "like when you left without saying a word?*.....she left after that comment...

[phoenix19]

obviously... not having a great night. I let emotions get the better of me when dealing with wife...

 

 

....how did I get to this point in my life?

[amaysngrace]

How you got there doesn't matter as much as staying stuck there.

 

Don't do that.

 

Do you have a lawyer yet? You need one and do not put anything in writing until you run it by them first. No texts. No emails. Let a lawyer call those shots.

[phoenix19]

I just don't get why she'd do that...why she'd punish me even more than she already has by leaving out of the blue ....by going full custody...

 

 

What did I do to deserve that ?!

[amaysngrace]

You deserve to see your daughter as much as your daughter deserves to see her Daddy. If she's use to seeing you every day there is no way that you shouldn't get joint custody.

 

You said yourself it's a money thing with her...it isn't about what is best for your child. For all you know that could be why she took her and moved her away from you.

 

To save money.

 

You really should try to think of what is in the best interest of your child and let that be your focus. It doesn't matter what's in your wife's head.

 

You need to fight for time with your daughter. You can file for full custody too, you know?

 

You really should speak with an attorney.

[Ralph79]

I don't mean to interfere with your life or pretend to know how to handle things better than you. But it's easy to lose self-control and not have a full perspective on things when faced with what you are dealing with.

 

May I suggest writing a letter or an email explaining that while you disagree with her decision to leave simply because you don't understand it, you have come to terms, accepted and respected her decision. Hopefully one day she will shed some insight on why she made this choice but for the moment you are simply trying to keep your daughter's best interest at heart.

 

Point out that this divorce will severely impact both of your finances and you merely wish to protect your daughter from having to endure any avoidable potential sacrifices.

 

I wish I could offer better advice but I know how hard it is, and how pointless words sometimes are, when someone you care for so deeply, wants nothing to do with you anymore. Everything you've worked so hard to protect and sustain has vanished. All you have left of those goals is your daughter. I can understand your frustration with her custody threat.

 

As others have said, I would consult a lawyer, or a friend in your area who has experience in this field to advice you on the best course of action to protect your rights.

 

How is your daughter coping with all of this by the way?

[elaine567]

I don't mean to interfere with your life or pretend to know how to handle things better than you. But it's easy to lose self-control and not have a full perspective on things when faced with what you are dealing with.

 

May I suggest writing a letter or an email explaining that while you disagree with her decision to leave simply because you don't understand it, you have come to terms, accepted and respected her decision. Hopefully one day she will shed some insight on why she made this choice but for the moment you are simply trying to keep your daughter's best interest at heart.

 

Point out that this divorce will severely impact both of your finances and you merely wish to protect your daughter from having to endure any avoidable potential sacrifices.

 

I wish I could offer better advice but I know how hard it is, and how pointless words sometimes are, when someone you care for so deeply, wants nothing to do with you anymore. Everything you've worked so hard to protect and sustain has vanished. All you have left of those goals is your daughter. I can understand your frustration with her custody threat.

 

As others have said, I would consult a lawyer, or a friend in your area who has experience in this field to advice you on the best course of action to protect your rights.

 

How is your daughter coping with all of this by the way?

 

Definitely get a lawyer and I wouldn't write any letters/emails until you know where you stand, the last thing you would want is for your letter to end up in court as evidence of something that she and her lawyers can hold against you.

You are really in no fit state to write letters to her at the moment.

Keep any written contact minimal, including texts and leave no voicemails especially if drunk or if you are emotional.

If you want to write stuff down, then write her a letter but DO NOT send it to her.

Sometimes it can be cathartic to write screeds about how you really feel or to keep a journal.

[Ralph79]

Definitely get a lawyer and I wouldn't write any letters/emails until you know where you stand, the last thing you would want is for your letter to end up in court as evidence of something that she and her lawyers can hold against you.

You are really in no fit state to write letters to her at the moment.

Keep any written contact minimal, including texts and leave no voicemails especially if drunk or if you are emotional.

If you want to write stuff down, then write her a letter but DO NOT send it to her.

Sometimes it can be cathartic to write screeds about how you really feel or to keep a journal.

 

Yeah, I actually take back what I said. Given where this situation is heading, common sense dictates the less info you give, the better, I guess.

 

I agree with elaine567.

[Tayla]

*sigh* ...good days bad days...

 

 

Today I received 20 line text from her asking a bunch of questions \ comments about the terms of our separation. (we don't have an agreement in place yet). A text?...not even an email...a text.

 

 

*Grow up, pick up the phone, talk to me, we can meet somewhere neutral and discuss these things like adults for once since this "end" started...* ...is what I wanted to respond... But I basically politely responded we should talk about these things in person...

 

 

I'm frustrated at how we deal with this...since there really is no "we".

 

 

AARRRGGHHH!

How do I get through the next 6-12 months without losing my mind?

 

Noticed from an earlier statement that the spouse is a lawyer. Odd that she would go via way of text to garner negotiation.

 

Three exercises that helped in the separation stage was: Holding ones tongue, Stepping away from any emotional charged statements, and keeping an eye on the goal. Those exercises were a blessing for some.

 

Its okay to rant here, we can be a support to keep you level when things go astray. You need to be good to yourself and know its going to have some bumps in the road to peaceful times...and they will come....

[phoenix19]

 

Three exercises that helped in the separation stage was: Holding ones tongue, Stepping away from any emotional charged statements, and keeping an eye on the goal. Those exercises were a blessing for some.

 

 

My mind understands this, but when the expected results keep getting changed, it's hard to adjust and be diplomatic. She also "thinks" she might want to move into the house mid June...maybe, she isn't sure.. (originally said end of august). That kind of took me aback as I need to put my own ducks in a row to secure a new place...

 

 

IDK, maybe she said the Full Custody remark solely based on protective instinct...reacting to me "asking for money"... But that's her biggest card in all of this and this is actually the 2 time she's flashed it. (she also said it a week after she moved out, and I was very "down" and still in shock and asked her to take care of our daughter for the week as I could hardly take care of myself, she said if I couldn't get over it and take care of my daughter then she would just go for full custody...a while later she said she did that to wake me up from being down and wouldn't do that to our daughter. (?)

 

 

I just can't wait to have some say in my own destiny...if that makes sense.

[minimariah]

i know you're going through a lot of pain right now - but you need to get this over with, as soon as you possibly can. get yourself some legal advice & an attorney - ASAP! you literally have no time to grieve and dwell on your destiny - you need to take action, as soon as you can.

 

your wife is clearly a piece of work, don't expect anything from her. treat her like she's your number one enemy - expect only the worst and prepare for the worst possible scenario. ACT & fight for your daughter.

 

there will be time for all the pain & depression - but you have to get yourself together or she will leave you with absolutely nothing.

 

so, take a deep breath and take control over your life & over what you CAN take control of. wishing you the best of luck.