Left in limbo... Cheating, drugs, depression.., affair fog?

[ally2015]

Hi Everyone! I am a new single parent and to be honest I have been left in limbo. I have spoken to friends and family with complete honesty and they cant even offer me an answer as to why I am in this situation and what I should do next so I thought I would reach out on here and hope someone else has been through this. My ex and I have been together almost 4 years and have a planned 17 month old. We were living together when she was 1st born at my parents house which was very full on as we were in 1 room but we made it work. After approximately 1.5 years of living like this I asked him to move out as I discovered he was doing drugs and I didnt want any part of it around me or our child. So he moved back home and he worked hard to regain my trust and assured me the drugs had stopped. We were saving to buy a home rather then renting and were very close to our goal so decided it would be easier to continue living apart so we were on top of one another in 1 room which was my idea. So for a few months we made it work I would stay at his mums or he would stay here etc... In October 2014 I became annoyed as it seemed like I was the only one making the effort anymore for him to see either of us, which was frustrating and I felt like a single parent. We were still intimate, talking about the future, he was to put it simply LAZY! In November I had enough of it and told him, I was sick of fighting for the relationship on my own, a relationship between me and him and as a family, he couldnt even be bothered to really spend time with our child which was so upsetting! He would rather hang out with his brother, not his family. When I confronted him about these issues saying I wanted out, he broke down crying, begging me to stay, that he was depressed as he hated his job and living away from us, etc... that we were so close to moving out. So i agreed to give it a go if he put the effort in. During November things were good, he was speaking to mortage brokers, speaking to my family members about how much he loves us and HE was the one initiating these conversations even with me, about having another child etc.... Then the next week... he left us. For the reasoning "Im not happy" nothing more, nothing less. I was like what the.... anyways a week after that we were acting fine he would come to see our child, talk to me, invited me to his xmas party etc.... THEN I found a text in his phone to a girl and confronted him about it, he denied it instantly and became VERY angry as I wouldnt give his phone back until I got an answer. I shut the front door and he ended up smashing the glass holding our child, I took her and alerted the police as he put her in danger. An AVO was placed on him which is now awaiting a hearing end of Feb. He saw her on Xmas day as I offered it for 1 hour supervised as for 2 weeks i heard nothing from him. Xmas day went fine, then after that all contact was cut. Not 1 single call or sms from him to speak to me or enquire about his child. So then I reached out to him (stupid I know) asking if he wants to see her, asking if he even cares about her due to the no contact. Would get no response or something just blaming me for him not seeing her or making contact. Everything is somehow my fault despite I have done absolutely nothing wrong. He wont have a conversation with me about anything! Like he ended an engagement and walked out on his family, with no explanation and no conversation. He is clearly off with someone else enjoying the carefree, no responsibility lifestyle, not caring at all what he is doing to us. I have an exemption from child support due to the AVO so thats a bonus. I have been advised to basically wait for him to file for our child, that way i can keep her and basically have full custody until that point. I am just so frustrated as I know nothing, I just want answers so we can move forward... like will he wake up to himself and have the reality hit of what he has done... to me it seems like he wanted to leave have his fun then come back and commit...but then i found out so he kinda went stuff it... maybe drugs are involved... i just have no idea.... i love him, i know its ridiculous but we never really gave our family a real go and we were actually really really good together. I know all he has done is disgusting and unforgivable but i within myself dont feel its over... i cant explain it. i have a feeling he will attempt to come back, i just dont know! it is driving me insane thinking it over and over, like were there signs this was coming, no. Also his evil sister is in his ear and she doesnt like me mainly because i dont let her control me like she does everyone else. I just dont know what to do, has anyones partner done something similar.... i know i am being too nice offering and contacting him, just trying to show i want them to have some sort of relationship but he is the one making no contact then his sister is saying to me its because i am making it to hard!!! Delusional!! Any advice would be amazing as to what i should do regarding him and regarding our child and regarding my sanity!

[LoveMyCat]

You should have a lawyer work out whatever rights he may claim for visitation, and arrange for support for your child. And then move on. He is clearly not prepared or interested in being a responsible, full time husband and father.

 

I don't really understand why you stayed in a room with parents for so long, rather than rent an apartment, where maybe your relationship would have had a better chance. A house is not as important as creating your own family space in an independent way. But that is water under bridge now. Maybe it provided him an excuse for not growing up and settling, who knows.

 

I am sure it is painful and difficult to discover he is not who or what you thought he was, but better now than ten years and more children later. Time to cut your losses and begin a life with your child, unless he is now ready for serious counseling and commitment.

[Ralph79]

I'll give you my take on why you are in your situation:

 

1. Both of you were extremely immature and irresponsible.

How can you PLAN to have a baby when you can't even afford a house yet. I agree that life is unpredictable and having a baby does not necessarily mean financial doom to a marriage. But to want to bring this pressure to yourselves when both of you clearly weren't ready for the financial burden was very irresponsible. Neither your or his parents should be the ones worrying for the roof over your heads. That's solely your partner's responsibility and yours. And then this past November he talks about planning for a 2nd?!? And you call describe this as things being good between you?. I'm sorry but you are both seem very immature and irresponsible.

 

2. You show the signs of a very violent relationship in the making with that man.

In hindsight, I don't think it was very smart of you, to lock yourself up with an aggravated known drug user, as a means to confront him about a possible affair with your baby nearby. He has to PROVE to you beyond reasonable doubt that he was faithful. If he can't prove he wasn't in an affair, then kick him the hell out of your house. There was no need for that fight that ensued to happen in the first place. Luckily you got to know how dangerous he can be out of it. I don't know why you would continue to pursue this man to be honest, given the circumstances.

 

3. You need to wise up.

I'll quote some things you said:

 

A) "An AVO was placed on him which is now awaiting a hearing end of Feb."

B) "He saw her on Xmas day as I offered it for 1 hour supervised"

C) "Like he ended an engagement and walked out on his family, with no explanation and no conversation."

D) "Everything is somehow my fault despite I have done absolutely nothing wrong."[/i]

 

He earned what he got. A & B. But does it really surprise you that someone as irresponsible as he was would really react with C ? This person who I can't call a man, clearly hasn't taken accountability for anything in his life. You need to see that for your child's sake. You have to wise up and stop being naive. Which brings me to D. This is as much your fault as it is his. The moment when we say "I have done nothing wrong" usually means we're not seeing the whole picture.

 

You are not responsible for his actions, but you are responsible for the situation you are in.

 

Now, I'm not one to suggest to a couple to break up a relationship or a marriage based on mere disputes, but please enlighten me:

 

What is so great about this guy? What makes you think he's father material, to warrant having a 2nd child with?

 

In order for a relationship to thrive there needs to be 3 basic things: love for each other, mutual respect and attraction. If any one of these fail, the relationship usually doesn't survive. Ask yourself, do you have a solid foundation in your relationship? Is it worth saving? Do you want to feel this uncertainty over his actions the rest of your life?

[ally2015]

1. Both of you were extremely immature and irresponsible.

Yes I know it wasnt ideal to have a child living with parents, there are medical reasons that i need to have children earlier on in life and we were both willing for the commitment of a child. And 18 months on I am an amazing mother to my child. We werent planning on living with parents, we were saving to buy a home and in hindsight we should have just rented so we could be a family. But ultimately we were looking at the bigger picture. He is 26 and i am 24 and yes... i understand what you are saying regarding maturity etc...

 

2. You show the signs of a very violent relationship in the making with that man.

I didnt lock myself in with him, i was trying to get away from him, taking his phone was just a stupid thing to do but he was willing to give me any answers so i had to figure it out. He has major anger issues and i suspect drug use also... i dont want that around my daughter hence he moved out 6 month prior and was proving he had stopped the drug use.

 

3. You need to wise up.

In order for a relationship to thrive there needs to be 3 basic things: love for each other, mutual respect and attraction. If any one of these fail, the relationship usually doesn't survive. Ask yourself,

 

do you have a solid foundation in your relationship?

We honestly did! We were really good together when we had our own space. We loved each other, were very attracted to one another and we were both invested in our future together as a family. had goals and always supporting one another.

 

Is it worth saving?

I believe it is worth saving as i can see the potential that we have. A lot of things will need to change in regards to him, myself and us. They way he is acting is just disgusting and i cannot understand any of it! Thats why i am here hoping that someone know what the hell i should do or not do.. because he is messing with my life and our childs. everything is up in the air and how do you truly move forward from that?

 

Do you want to feel this uncertainty over his actions the rest of your life?

No of course I dont but i know that people make mistakes, this is massive! And ive been told by police, councillors that this may be the turning point in his life to stop the drugs, to deal with the issues he has within himself and for him to be the father and partner he can be. But he is too caught up in drugs, this new girl, no responsibilty, he just simply doesnt care right now... and until he basically self destructs he wont realise what he is doing etc... i dont know honestly and it is driving me insane!

Edited February 12, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Edited for quoted references

[Ralph79]

i understand what you are saying regarding maturity etc...

 

Lol, ok.

 

I was more concerned about your excitement over the 2nd child without a secure home in place to be honest.

 

I didnt lock myself in with him

 

I apologize. I misread. That was 1 big block of text you typed in.

 

We were really good together when we had our own space. We loved each other, were very attracted to one another and we were both invested in our future together as a family.

 

But he didn't respect you. He was deceiving you with his drug use WHILE he was living in bliss with you. I've never been involved with drugs myself, but I'll assume it's not a cheap addiction to have either. So he was hurting his family in more ways than one. I don't see what's really good about that. His current actions demonstrate pretty clearly what level of priority you and his child are to him.

 

I believe it is worth saving as i can see the potential that we have. A lot of things will need to change in regards to him, myself and us.

 

You've got to look at him objectively. Not the person he is (or was) with you at his best. You've got to evaluate the man based on where he is in his life, who his friends are, who his family is. That is who you are choosing to build a life with. There's a saying, sleep with dogs, you're gonna wake up with fleas. If he is surrounded by people with addictions and problems, then his goals and aspirations are going to be a reflection of those of the people he looks up to. Your standards will come up or down based on his. So be sure to evaluate him as the man he is, not as the partner you remember.

 

Secondly, people don't change. They grow. But for the most part, they don't change. Keep that in mind. [Yes , my opinion, not a rule, but I speak from experience].

 

this may be the turning point in his life to stop the drugs, to deal with the issues he has within himself and for him to be the father and partner he can be.

Doesn't look like it. And if you know for a fact he's cheating on you with another woman, then I suggest you keep moving forward and improve your life. A spouse shouldn't try this hard to get his partner back in line after an affair. It's his loss.

Edited February 12, 2015 by Ralph79

[ally2015]

I really appreciate your comments! Its just a **** situation. I know that i need to just take it for what is it but its hard when you know this isnt the person you once knew... its even harder when you have a child with them and its all up in the air! I am trying to move forward in life with my child but there is no explanation, no closure, no understanding to this situation. I know actions speak louder then words but i deserve the words. feelings dont just change especially towards your child. What am i meant to do...just continue with the no contact.... its just ridiculous you cant just leave your family then refuse to have a conversation about it... well you can but thats just avoiding reality.. if we didnt have a child id just say go...but because of the child its hard for me to just walk away... its hard to explain! There are so many factors in play regarding his actions currently so its difficult to know what to do or not do!

 

I understand where you are coming from... and i was stupid not looking at it the way you pointed out with his drug use... i knew nothing about it and once i did he was kicked out. My child and i deserve a lot better then how he has treated us and is treating us...but you cant help who you love. I wish i could just give up and not care... ive tried. but i cant. i love him (not the person he is being now but the person i know he can be) I guess in time i will see whether this is the person he truly is or if this was just a massive stuff up! I hope for our childs sake he wakes up to himself and gets the help he clearly needs and starts being a decent father to her... or if he is choosing to continue on the path he is on then relinquish his rights.

 

I believe in time he will attempt to come back to the family, IF he hits rock bottom and to be honest im not interested in being with him until he can prove he will get help for drugs, anger, counciling and show genuine love and remorse...which i doubt he will because it will be near impossible after all the damage and hurt he has caused. I just dont understand why if he isnt happy etc... he wont just have a conversation with me, give the closure so we can move on.

[Ralph79]

You would be surprised of what people are capable of. Specially when they are addicted to drugs.

 

In regards to your child and his obligations as a father, I agree with you, it's not easy and it's not about having NC. It's about moving on. There's a difference. I know you love him. Otherwise you wouldn't cling on to hope. But being a Father is more than just a title. It's a blessing. A responsibility. A purpose. He's not ready to be a Father. You must see that. You can't trick or guilt trip him into the role. It doesn't work that way.

 

Focus on your child's needs. On the environment you want your baby to grow up in. You can't fight a battle on two fronts. Your baby deserves your full attention, because his drug-cheating-immature father isn't there.

 

In regards to not being able to help who you love...

That is true. I put up with a living nightmare of a marriage during it's last 2 years. I'll refrain from pointing details but rest assured it took several life altering experiences to realize I was wasting my life loving her. I ultimately chose to love the person I had neglected for years over her: myself.

 

We can't help who we love, specially when our hearts are closed to everyone else. He's the only man inside right now. But if you decided to end the relationship properly, you'll realize you'll meet people and eventually fall in love again because as you said "we can't help who we love". It's simply a matter of putting yourself in the right state of mind for the right man to come along.

 

Lastly ask yourself this. If he didn't care to respect your home by drugging himself behind your back, didn't respect you, didn't respect his child... what makes you think he's gonna give a damn about your need for closure?

[LoveMyCat]

Then there is always the old saying "When people show you who they are...believe them".

 

He has been showing you. He is immature, selfish, irresponsible and not ready to commit to a family relationship. And possibly worse, if he is using drugs, cheating etc.

 

We don't always get to have closure and explanations. Sometimes we just have to move on.

[MajorOak]

Then there is always the old saying "When people show you who they are...believe them".

 

He has been showing you. He is immature, selfish, irresponsible and not ready to commit to a family relationship. And possibly worse, if he is using drugs, cheating etc.

 

We don't always get to have closure and explanations. Sometimes we just have to move on.

 

^^^^^ Totally agree, the answers you seek will always be far from the truth and not worth waiting around for.

 

 

You sound like a nice girl with a lifetime ahead of you, out there is a man just waiting for you to enter his life..............move on.

[ally2015]

Thank you so much for your replies, it means so much to me! I am just over my situation and he cant even have a conversation with me. He just thinks ignoring me will fix the situation? This isnt the person I know at all! He wasnt perfect and our situation wasnt perfect but he did love us and i feel that there is something VERY wrong as he doesnt even care about his child...

 

My theory is he is caught up in the affair with this younger girl (20years old) he is 26 and has noone to answer to, possibly she is doing drugs as well. His appearance is just AWFUL now, has dropped a lot of weight, this would be the drugs. I just feel he is in the 'honeymoon phase' thinking the grass is greener and doing whatever he wants. I feel that he doesnt even realise what he is doing or has done to us.

 

Ive spoken to the police, lawyers and councillors and they all say similar and they dont even know him. Saying that it sounds like drugs, depression, mental health and this 'distraction' girl are all in play and he just doesnt care about anything. They all said to just let him go and basically disappear (make no contact at all and avoid running into him) They say he will eventually self destruct and when he does he has 2 choices.... take this as a life changing moment to stop the drugs once and for all, deal with the issues he has with himself and become the partner and father he can be OR he will continue down the path he is on now and end up dead or losing absolutely everything.

 

I have been advised he will most likely be knocking on my door when the weight of what he has done hit so i need to prepare myself for that. To be honest I want him to come back, because I do love him and see the person he can be But also so he knows how much he has hurt us and i can see if he is genuine.

 

What i am struggling to deal with is...if he was so unhappy or seeing someone else...why not leave when i gave him the opportunity. i tried to leave him and he fell apart...so why wouldnt he have just taken the guilt free way out 3 weeks before he left us? Makes no sense!

 

I have been focusing on myself and my child but it is hard to not think of him or worry (i am really worried about his state of mind and wellbeing) It is very frustrating also that he wont even speak to me about anything literally it was hey im leaving...end of conversation. Ive said to him can we have an actual conversation I think I deserve that much so we can end this properly...he refuses..Also asked him to cancel what he had booked for our wedding which he agreed to do...but now refuses to do so... its so confusing and irritating! Like if you are committed to ending this then why wont you end it? Have the conversation... cancel the wedding...?

 

I guess I just have to disappear for now and hope that he comes to his sense and starts to sort his life out. i am glad our child is young and wont remember this time in her life...but i do and my heartbreaks for her. The people that i mentioned earlier also said you know it has nothing to do with you or your daughter, the issues are all with him and until he is willing to realise that there is no point in doing anything!

[MJJean]

I am about to yell at you because I care.

 

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU????

 

This man is poison. Keep him well away from you and that baby. The man you think you love does not exist, never has existed, and most likely will not exist in the future. You are in love with an idea. The real "man" you have had a baby with is a lazy, selfish, drug addicted, irresponsible, cheating, lying, a$$ who honestly loves no one but himself although he is good at faking it.

 

Believe me, I was once married to one of those. You do not want this "man" in your life. You really don't. He left and isn't in contact with you anymore. He's also leaving your child alone. Consider yourself blessed and move on.

 

You know why things happened the way they did. It's because he is a lazy, selfish, lying, cheating, drug addict faker, that's why. And you don't need "closure". There's really no such thing. Saying you need "closure" is a way of saying you need to talk to him again not to resolve things but to get sucked back in. Let it go. Move on in your heart and in your mind. Build a decent life with that beautiful baby and find yourself a good man to spend it with.

[Ralph79]

he has 2 choices.... take this as a life changing moment to stop the drugs once and for all, deal with the issues he has with himself and become the partner and father he can be OR he will continue down the path he is on now and end up dead or losing absolutely everything.

 

I'm sorry to tell you this, but his choices aren't limited to your family & death. He can recover and chose someone else and still be a douche bag.

 

You are clouded by obsession, not love. You want that man to be the person you envision so bad that you are fooling yourself into overestimating his worth.

 

To be honest I want him to come back, because I do love him and see the person he can be But also so he knows how much he has hurt us and i can see if he is genuine.

 

It's ok to want him back. In fact if I would be hoping your child can grow up with him in the picture. All I'm saying is he has got to earn his way into your life. In your current state it pretty clear to me a simple teary eyed sad look while saying "I'm really sorry + other corny words" is going to earn him a space within your heart again.

 

Understand what this man is doing according to you:

 

a) Cheating on you with a 20 year old.

b) Doing drugs behind your back

c) Neglecting his family

 

Any one of those things alone would be enough to make you say:

 

"I love myself enough to not allow anyone to do this to me. I my love child enough for him/her to not endure this ever again".

 

He's doing all 3 . And you still love him. You still want him back.

 

It's important to have dignity. It'll save you from future transgressions he's going to commit. There are many men who would pay any price to have what this man has. And this is what he does during the most endearing and crucial moments of fatherhood. What makes you think he's going to get any better once things get more complicated?

 

Don't leave him if you don't want to, but make him earn his chance, otherwise he's not really going to appreciate it and he's going to do this to you again over and over.

 

Just because he shares DNA with your baby, doesn't make him the ideal Father you think he will be.

Edited February 12, 2015 by Ralph79

[ally2015]

What is wrong with me... I honestly dont know! I know that if it wasnt me in this situation Id be saying RUN! But it is me in the situation... and I do love the person he was whether that side of his was real or not... I am a good person and I cant just walk away that easily. Yes everything he is doing now is disgusting and we deserve so much better but that doesnt mean the feelings can just stop. I try to stop caring, to stop worrying, i know i should hate him and want nothing to do with him. I have tried to make myself feel those things!

 

I dont want a conversation to get sucked back in but i feel if you are engaged and have family together that you owe that person an explanation. MJJEAN did your ex husband do something similar? How did it pan out...? I am not planning on taking him back at all I simply want him to realise what the hell he is doing and change his life, take this as a kick up the ass to get his life on track for the first time in his life. Get help with drugs once and for all, work through his depression and mental issues, anger management and ultimately grow up. I have seen the man he can be, the good father he can be.... there is nothing i can do to make him want this change but I hope for his sake it happens because he has already lost everything important to him and when he realises it will be too late.

 

I know im an idiot for feeling like this but i genuinely love him and i cant just turn that off. I am not making any contact, havent seen him in a month. He would HAVE to miss our child and me, like i said you cant just go im done caring now.. doesnt work like that... he is just totally messed up and making one bad choice after the other

[ally2015]

I'm sorry to tell you this, but his choices aren't limited to your family & death. He can recover and chose someone else and still be a douche bag.

 

Yes i know that... i was trying to imply he will get his life together and hopefully be there for his child, not to say he will be back with me etc...

 

I know he isnt anything great and that we do deserve better so i know what his worth is and yes he is a piece of s*** for what he is doing but i also have seen the good qualities in him so i guess i am holding onto that person. But in reality that person could be dead now and this is now the person he is going to be. it is hard to accept when someone you thought you knew so well has completely changed

 

 

 

In your current state it pretty clear to me a simple teary eyed sad look while saying "I'm really sorry + other corny words" is going to earn him a space within your heart again.

 

No way would it be that simple! I in my mind have a guide IF he does think he can just walk back in. He 10000000% needs to earn a relationship back with me and our child. and it will be very hard for him but if he is willing and genuine when he comes back he will fight for the chance to have his family back. This will involve a flat out no. Then if shows he is genuine then i will say you need to go sort yourself out then come talk to me : go to rehab or drug councilling and stop it once and for all, speak to a professional about your issues (depression and mental health), a councillor to figure out any other issues, if he cant be happy with himself he wont be happy with anyone else. He needs help and guarntee he will come back to me for it because he knows i am the only person in the world that has genuine love and care for him. not even his family do as sad as that is. and i will say i am not helping you, you need to help yourself.

 

 

What makes you think he's going to get any better once things get more complicated?

There are no guarntees in life and unless he gets help and he wants to get help to give himself a happy future then things wont get better. He will just go from girl to girl, drugs and god knows what else and i wont be around to watch it happen. I will legally fight for my daughter and move away. But there is also the possibility he may take this s*** situation and turn it into a positive one and realise what he had like u said people would kill for it. Who knows what will happen, it wont be easy and yes as things become complicated it will be a real test. But IF he did come back and proved himself 1000% i would not be taking any crap, and he would know i wouldnt because i am proving we dont need him and i would walk away.

 

 

Thank you for your honest comments its so good to read compared to the just prepare yourself he will be back, stand your ground, just ignore him he will miss you guys etc...

[MJJean]

What is wrong with me... I honestly dont know! I know that if it wasnt me in this situation Id be saying RUN! But it is me in the situation... and I do love the person he was whether that side of his was real or not... I am a good person and I cant just walk away that easily. Yes everything he is doing now is disgusting and we deserve so much better but that doesnt mean the feelings can just stop. I try to stop caring, to stop worrying, i know i should hate him and want nothing to do with him. I have tried to make myself feel those things!

 

Don't hate him. Hate is too strong, too passionate, to close to the heart. feel indifference or pity. If you believe in God or some other deity, pray for him and leave it in the hands of the universe. None of these things makes you less of a good person. Letting go isn't uncaring. considering the situation, it's wise.

 

I dont want a conversation to get sucked back in but i feel if you are engaged and have family together that you owe that person an explanation.

 

Nope. You really do have all the explanation you need in his behavior.

 

 

MJJEAN did your ex husband do something similar? How did it pan out...? I am not planning on taking him back at all I simply want him to realise what the hell he is doing and change his life, take this as a kick up the ass to get his life on track for the first time in his life. Get help with drugs once and for all, work through his depression and mental issues, anger management and ultimately grow up. I have seen the man he can be, the good father he can be.... there is nothing i can do to make him want this change but I hope for his sake it happens because he has already lost everything important to him and when he realises it will be too late.

 

My ex was a liar, a cheater, couldn't/wouldn't keep a job, used drugs/drank, etc. I thought he'd get it and man up to be a parent. Never happened.

 

Things occasionally got violent. Our verbal arguments could be viscous.

 

Eventually, I got sick of the lies and the partys and the irresponsibility and the financial insecurity and always having to borrow from parents or ask parents for help.

 

I told him it was over. I agreed to let him stay in the townhouse basement. Only because his mom was paying the rent. A couple months later he got drunk and got violent and the police were called by a neighbor. He was arrested and I told his mom to come get his stuff. Social services came by the next day and told me if I allowed him back in the house they would remove my kids. I wasn't going to let him come back as a roommate and nothing more, anyways, but even if his mom tried to plead for him I could use that as a reason to say no without upsetting her.

 

My oldest daughter was 6, my youngest daughter was 1. For their sake, I should have left sooner and given my oldest a more stable home earlier.

 

To make a long story shortish, I filed for divorce as soon as I could, remarried, and have had another child. My DH is a good man, I adore him, he's provided us with love and stability. We own our house and cars free and clear and we have very little debt. No more moving and begging parents for help. He's an occasional drinker, but not like my ex by a long shot. He's honest and honorable.

 

My ex is remarried. Both he and his new wife are hooked on pills and use other drugs, too. They moved recently because their apartment was inspected and the level of filth violated the lease so they were evicted. His mom pays his bills because they have two children together ages 3 and 6. His father is dying of lung cancer and he got caught trying to steal some of his father's pain killers this week. He also got caught using his fathers ATM card number to place orders online for everything from pizza to movies and took his dads bank balance to -$277. His parents won't press charges.

 

He hasn't paid a single penny in child support and is into me for over $60,000, but e moved out of state when his parents did and support enforcement is a joke. He has seen my kids a handful of times in the last decade and then only because I let them visit their grandparents.

 

I know im an idiot for feeling like this but i genuinely love him and i cant just turn that off. I am not making any contact, havent seen him in a month. He would HAVE to miss our child and me, like i said you cant just go im done caring now.. doesnt work like that... he is just totally messed up and making one bad choice after the other

 

Maybe he will one day get it, but don't count on it. You have to remember that the person you love doesn't really exist and let it go. You have to live your life and not waste precious time and opportunity waiting for what may never be.

Edited February 12, 2015 by MJJean

[todreaminblue]

Drugs and relationships dont mix with family life.....if you look at the

percentage of young broken families in the first stages of family life you will find abuse of some kind being alcohol and or drugs...by one or both parents......simple fact....drugs destroy lives.....drugs and alcohol had a hand in destroying both my relationships beyond me repairing them...the true commitment lies in getting the next drink or passing the next bong....if you stand in the way of that...you will get stomped on....you cant demand people change....they must choose the way to go....professional help and strict abstinence is the only way to achieve change....

 

Drugs have affected you in a negative way....by proxy...but have affected you none the less....i suggest you find a group and talk to a professional or others who like you have had partners who have taken or done

drugs....like narc anon isnt only for drug addicts it is for partners and family and friends of addicts....the peopel affected by drugs...which si you and yoru child......

 

as far as your sanity goes......thsi world is insane i dont know how anyone can stay totally sane it.....in that way...you are about as sane as the next person......which is slightly crazy...but you can deal with that cant you ...you already have......

 

 

join mothers groups or check out your local church and community for meetings where you will meet other single mums struggling as much as you and trying to bring up children solo...its good to share your hopes and dreams and disappointments even with people who can empathise....as far as legality and custody goes,......i dont know where you live and the laws in place...but i do know if you prove drug use normally it always involves sole custody given to the non taking drugs parent and supervised visits are normally enforced...dont back down ...insist ...and keep insisting.....

 

 

 

 

i had no court case with my kids.....it was not contested i have sole custody.....you will be stronger for what you have gone through.....sometimes though.....you need a little understanding and people who you feel comfortable talking to ...that is why i suggest reaching out.....to therapy and groups within your community..and then theres loveshack...right here...there are a few single mothers on the board who post regularly i am one...i am here..there are also regular posters who are compassionate spirits..hugs to ya.....best wishes....deb

[ally2015]

Sorry to hear that your ex is like that, that is awful!! I really appreciate your comments and advice! I just hate this whole situation! I just find it hard to just let it go and understand how he can just simply not care especially about his child but as youve said its now the person he is.

 

What do you think will happen next... i just feel like its a waiting game. Ive been told legally to do nothing, i have the right to refuse his access due to his unstable behaviour and use of drugs. I want him to be apart of her life but when he is in a good place, her wellbeing and safety come first. Ive been told to basically sit on my hands the ball is in his court regarding her and until he files something i can consider that i have full custody. It is just frustrating... i know she is young but my heart breaks for her. i dont understand how as a parent you can just abandon your child without a second thought... in saying that i hear this is common with drug use.

 

Also been told this is all fresh and new so to just leave it be for now and see what happens. this affair will wear off soon and thats when things will come clearer with his intentions..he will attempt to return or continue on his path of destruction..

[Ralph79]

this affair will wear off soon and thats when things will come clearer with his intentions..he will attempt to return

 

This encompasses what is fundamentally wrong with your state of mind.

 

You are a prize. Not a cushion to fall back on. Keep being his cushion and you will suffer greatly. And I don't mean his drug use. Hell, I don't even mean him. You can't think like that or else your child will suffer the same fate you have.

 

Is your self esteem , dignity and self respect THAT non-existent that you would wait for this man to remove himself from the clutches of another woman's legs so he can come into your house and caress your child and then kiss you? Drugs or no drugs, I'm sorry but that is inexcusable and unacceptable behavior. In your shoes I couldn't look at him again wondering what that mouth of his has kissed. What his hands have touched.... you get the picture.

 

On top of having to wait on him to recover from his drug problem, you now have to deal with his infidelities. I'm sorry but it's one thing to hide behind the excuse of "trying to save a marriage at all cost" and it's another to be a coward to face life on your own. Believe me my ex-wife did things to me immeasurably worse than this guy did to you. Things that would make everyone on this thread punch me for putting up with them. And I said the same thing : "I made a vow I am going to honor".

 

Well guess what , he doesn't live by your rules. And you're going to have a miserable life abiding by rules your partner doesn't respect.

 

You made a mistake. You are allowed to cut your losses when the other party gives up. Marriage takes 2 to work.

[ally2015]

This encompasses what is fundamentally wrong with your state of mind.

 

You are a prize. Not a cushion to fall back on. Keep being his cushion and you will suffer greatly. And I don't mean his drug use. Hell, I don't even mean him. You can't think like that or else your child will suffer the same fate you have.

 

I completely understand what your saying and im not an option, i should be the only choice. People make mistakes and i am a believer in 2nd chances if people earn them. Yes knowing he has been with someone else will be incredibly hard to get past but people do... even if he wants to come back doesnt mean i will allow him to.

 

On top of having to wait on him to recover from his drug problem, you now have to deal with his infidelities. I'm sorry but it's one thing to hide behind the excuse of "trying to save a marriage at all cost" and it's another to be a coward to face life on your own. Believe me my ex-wife did things to me immeasurably worse than this guy did to you. Things that would make everyone on this thread punch me for putting up with them. And I said the same thing : "I made a vow I am going to honor".

 

I am sorry your ex wife treated you so horrible. i am willing to be on my own without him, it is just the unknown that is hurting me... like if he comes back what he will do... will he make my life hell.... he has already threatened to kill himself before i even found out about the affair... he just needs help. I want to be civil for our child and for us to co-parent but he is not in any frame of mind to do well anything. he has been made to take 2 weeks off work due to his apperance and way he is behaving.

 

 

You made a mistake. You are allowed to cut your losses when the other party gives up. Marriage takes 2 to work.

 

i understand this... but how! How do i just walk away?

[Ralph79]

i understand this... but how! How do i just walk away?

 

By saying "Hi my name is Ally2015, I have a problem"

 

And hearing your psychologist tell you : "It's about time you came"

 

That's my suggestion.

 

EDIT: By the way I apologize if this seems harsh. But this is what that man has brought you to. It will only get worse. You need to distance yourself completely until he gets better or else you'll get sucked into the problems one way or another like everyone here is saying.

Edited February 13, 2015 by Ralph79
Apology

[ally2015]

EDIT: By the way I apologize if this seems harsh. But this is what that man has brought you to. It will only get worse. You need to distance yourself completely until he gets better or else you'll get sucked into the problems one way or another like everyone here is saying.

.

I LOVE your advice as i said it is refreshing! Yeah i am keeping my distance from him until he gets help or enough time passes for me to have a strong case for sole custody

[GoBroncs1983]

Ally,

 

I am sorry you are going through this. I would like to think that the majority of why you hope he will turn his life around is because you share a child, but there are bits and pieces about your story that make it seem like YOU want him back, too.

 

You shouldn't. You deserve better.

 

There will be a day that he will "clean himself up" (and by that I mean make it APPEAR that he isn't on drugs) and will try to come back into your life. You need to set up a specific plan with the court for him to see his child - drug testing, mediation, a caretaker checking on BOTH of you regularly. I guarantee he won't pass.

 

It sounds like you are holding onto the good times that you had, and hope that you can reclaim that at some point. I did that with my exGF for almost five years. She didn't do drugs, wasn't violent, and we didn't share a child, but she broke up with me six different times. Each time, after whatever she did during the breakup, she would sob and tell me she wanted to be with me forever. And I took her back, every single time, because when it was good, it was very good. But it wasn't worth the drama.

 

I'm sure this guy at one point was a caring, loving man. He isn't anymore. In my opinion, too much has happened to just wash away with an apology. He has shown violent tendencies, drug use, and is unstable. Like with my exGF (who I had strong suspicions has Borderline Personality Disorder) there was ALWAYS going to be the drama of her randomly deciding to break up with me for some dumbass reason that was just an excuse to protect her fragile ego.

 

Your guy will ALWAYS carry the threat of violence and drug use. Why would you want to be with someone like that? You are a strong person who deserves a better life, and so does your child. You both should move on and focus on YOUR future - the two of you. That's the reality of the situation. Stop hoping the drug addicted violent daddy will have a moment of clarity. I know how bad it hurts to not have a clear explanation - I went through it too - but you DO know that he isn't a stable person. That alone should be enough.

[ally2015]

Ally,

 

I am sorry you are going through this. I would like to think that the majority of why you hope he will turn his life around is because you share a child, but there are bits and pieces about your story that make it seem like YOU want him back, too.

 

Of course i want my child to have her father in her life and of course i love him so i want him apart of my life too...but not when he is like this. We do deserve A LOT better.

 

There will be a day that he will "clean himself up" (and by that I mean make it APPEAR that he isn't on drugs) and will try to come back into your life. You need to set up a specific plan with the court for him to see his child - drug testing, mediation, a caretaker checking on BOTH of you regularly. I guarantee he won't pass.

 

I know he can be clean he has done it before and proven himself but now has gone back to drugs and a lot heavier drugs by the looks of it... because how can you just leave your family and not care at all? I keep being told that when he basically hits bottom or self destructs and is forced to look at his life and realise his actions is when i will be hearing from him.... depending on when that is it may be too late! But i do believe in second chances and IF he is genuine then id be willing to try...doesnt mean i can do it but then i would walk away...ending it properly. In my mind IF he does come back the answer will be flat out no. Then if he tries and is genuine about being a family and loving us both then he will fight for us. If he does then i will be telling him to go to rehab/drug councilling, anger management, councilling to deal with his other issues, will take drug tests when i ask and i have access to his phone records. Those are the terms for him to even get a chance back with us and if he isnt genuine then he wont bother because it is a lot. but we are worth it!

 

Each time, after whatever she did during the breakup, she would sob and tell me she wanted to be with me forever. And I took her back, every single time, because when it was good, it was very good. But it wasn't worth the drama.

 

Yeah things were amazing when it was just the 3 of us and when it wasnt things were still good...it was never bad... like hardly ever fought and all other aspects were good so its hard to just walk away especially with no closure!

 

I'm sure this guy at one point was a caring, loving man. He isn't anymore. In my opinion, too much has happened to just wash away with an apology.

 

Definitely! A lot has happened and his solution is to run from the issue, ignore it... doesnt make it go away. we are human beings. I would honestly love for him to come back and just feel the weight of what HE has done, cry, feel empty, feel the hurt and pain he has put us through, be sorry and absolutely regret it. I need him to feel those things because it honestly seems like he doesnt care about myself or our child at all! He needs to realise He caused all of this and that will be a start.

 

Your guy will ALWAYS carry the threat of violence and drug use. Why would you want to be with someone like that? You are a strong person who deserves a better life, and so does your child. You both should move on and focus on YOUR future - the two of you. That's the reality of the situation. Stop hoping the drug addicted violent daddy will have a moment of clarity. I know how bad it hurts to not have a clear explanation - I went through it too - but you DO know that he isn't a stable person. That alone should be enough.

 

I understand what your saying I REALLY do but its is so hard to just walk away.. as you know. i love him and we were a family. I know the person he can be. yes he has issues and i think if he actually got them dealt with he could have a happy life. With the drug use in the past i should have made him go to rehab/classes, i did tell him to and said id come with him and he said he can do it himself...which he did and passed the drug testing. But the issue is in his mind so it needs to be dealt with. It is just heartbreaking to see someone you love completely change and turn there back on what was most important to them. he is on a downward spiral and i hope for his sake that he wants to save himself before its too late.

[melodymatters]

Lets be clear, it is YOUR interpretation that he is miserable, unhealthy and making a " wrong choice".

 

Just to throw this out there, maybe things weren't as rosy as you thought they were, and he is perfectly happy with his new GF and just freezes up around you because he doesn't really know how to tell you that he doesn't want to play happy families with you ?

 

If it was just drugs, and my husband was crying and begging me back, I would likely work with him to a point. YOUR guy is banging another chick honey ! Time to let go of the shoulda/woulda/coulda's and take care of YOU.

[ally2015]

Lets be clear, it is YOUR interpretation that he is miserable, unhealthy and making a " wrong choice".

 

Just to throw this out there, maybe things weren't as rosy as you thought they were, and he is perfectly happy with his new GF and just freezes up around you because he doesn't really know how to tell you that he doesn't want to play happy families with you ?

 

If it was just drugs, and my husband was crying and begging me back, I would likely work with him to a point. YOUR guy is banging another chick honey ! Time to let go of the shoulda/woulda/coulda's and take care of YOU.

 

Yes this could be a possibility... yet why would he just abandon his child? He could very well be happier with this girl he just met and thats fine but end your engagement properly! Dont just say im not happy maybe we can work it out in a few months then disappear. Just have a conversation with me, sit down talk it out, come up with a solution regarding the child.. know what i mean?

 

I know he is banging another girl.... which in itself is unacceptable but as you see on this site it happens a lot. people make mistakes, they f*** up. I am not saying i would 1000000% take him back, i do love him and of course want my family together but only IF he genuinely wants it to and in saying that i may not be able to get over this if we did get back together. I am taking care of myself and my daughter, building a life for just the 2 of us. Ideally i would like him to come back so he feels the weight of his actions, because whether he comes back or not this situation he will regret forever as he has missed out on 3 months of his childs life... and however much longer it takes him to be hit with reality. If he doesnt love me or want me anymore fine.. my main concern is for my child, but i do believe i deserve more then 1 line for calling off a marriage and leaving a family