How do you tell whether to hold on or let go of a relationship?

[justwondering_xoxo]

Hello

We had a fight few days back but our no contact was broken when he came by to give back my stuff.

 

It's so difficult to stay away from him. But life together isn't very peaceful either

 

Now I'm back to square one feeling indecisive whether to continue talking or put an end to the relationship.

 

We've been together 3 years and it's been rather unstable the past two years with a lot of nasty fights.

 

The positives are

•we do genuinely love each other, no cheating, he's trustworthy and loyal.

He would never leave me. Every time it's been me who initiates a break up (not sure this is a positive because it also means we've never been able to mutually break up, every time I have to explain and just stop talking and it puts the guilt on me)

•We are very comfortable with each other and we never get tired of being alone together.

•I'm an introvert and of late I prefer his company over anyone else

•We always end up back together no matter how bad the fight (not sure if that's positive or negative)

•he's generally very reliable

 

The negatives

•we have a history of plenty of fights turning very ugly

•he's very possessive and controls who I talk or meet especially if it involves guys, there have been some embarrassing incidents where he's called my male friends/acquaintances and told them to stay away

•we don't have many common interests or ways of thinking

•the major thing being we don't want to settle in the same place but this of course is an issue about the future

•my family would never be okay with us getting married

•I have a lot of unresolved bitterness about previous incidents and how he never makes up to things but we just drift back together after a fight

 

Considering all the above do you think this relationship is worth giving another shot or has it run it's course?

 

I know the post is dreadfully long so thank you so much if anyone is still reading this. Any opinions would be much appreciated.

[Satu]

It doesn't sound very healthy.

 

Look at your relationship as it exists in the present - not as it could be in the future, or as it was in the past.

 

In this moment, is it what you want?

[KBarletta]

Some of the negatives sound like major red flags that would doom a true long-term relationship.

 

He is jealous and controlling, you don't have much in common, and you don't want to live in the same place. On top of that, your family objects to your relationship.

 

If your intent is to some day marry this guy, I think it's a recipe for disaster based on those issues. I would end it now.

[justwondering_xoxo]

Yes, in this moment I do want it.

 

But then again I'm not sure about my own intentions, it could also be because I'm lonely right now at uni and I like his company best because I feel very comfortable.

 

I do realise it's unhealthy because we fight so much but this being my first serious relationship I have nothing to compare it to so I'm not entirely sure what unhealthy means.

 

Edit:

Thanks KBarletta, you're right about those being major red flags.

The problem is he thinks we can somehow work it out and does not agree to break up which makes it all the more difficult

Edited February 12, 2015 by justwondering_xoxo

[BC1980]

Are you currently broken up or contemplating leaving him?

 

I'm concerned about why you would want to persist in the relationship you described? Even you are questioning your motives. The biggest red flags are him being possessive and controlling, along with the nasty fights.

[BC1980]

The positives are

•we do genuinely love each other, no cheating, he's trustworthy and loyal.

He would never leave me. Every time it's been me who initiates a break up (not sure this is a positive because it also means we've never been able to mutually break up, every time I have to explain and just stop talking and it puts the guilt on me)

•We are very comfortable with each other and we never get tired of being alone together.

•I'm an introvert and of late I prefer his company over anyone else

•We always end up back together no matter how bad the fight (not sure if that's positive or negative)

•he's generally very reliable

 

"He would never leave me." That jumped out at me as a big negative actually. It's not healthy to have no condition upon which you would leave a person. The relationship is pretty toxic, and he's never been willing to leave. I can't help but wonder if you stay with him because you know he's a sure thing, too weak to leave. A similar thing happened with me and my ex, but I was the one not willing to leave. He derived a sort of ego trip from it.

 

You always end up back together because it's dysfunctional. That's not a healthy partnership if you are having nasty fights but always coming back together. Nothing has been solved.

 

Look back at your list of positives. No where on the list do you mention anything about him being emotionally supporting or wanting to work together to solve issues. It's good that he's trustworthy, but is that it? Is there mutual respect for one another? It doesn't sound like it will these fights.

[xpaperxcutx]

I see we have so much in common so I'm going to say one thing to you, don't ever believe he will never leave.

 

My ex was the same, I thought he loved only me but if the relationship can become so toxic you guys start resenting each other, he will leave.

 

I think the best thing to is if you guys are having issues, learn to take some time away from each other.

[idoltree]

It's hard for anyone else to make this choice for you. You have a lot of good and a lot of bad. Whether the bad can be fixed isn't something that other people can tell you. The truth will come out with time, with self-reflection on both of your parts, and with efforts to improve the way you communicate long term, if the two of you are both interested in that in the future.

 

I am struck that the way you are talking makes it seem like you're not really broken up. Yet you also express resentment that the two of you have a history of just sliding back together after previous fallout from arguments. So why are you angry with him about that? If you go back to him and he's never apologized, shouldn't you also be angry at yourself? No one made you make those choices for yourself.

 

As the person who does the breaking up, it seems like your ego is a bit inflated. You are so focused on what he does wrong that you don't take responsibility for your own choices and actions. You think he needs to make it up to you, and, if he doesn't, you resent him. So you also need to own the fact that you're an adult woman and you've made choices to get back together with him. No one made you do that, and if you accepted a reunion without expressing what you needed to hear from him first, then that's on you.

 

It does seem like there's at least a small smidgen of you taking power from being the one to always leave. Based on your wishy-washiness, I'm going to guess that there is an element of leaving in order to manipulate him into doing what you want, or just to hurt him after he's hurt you. Really put some thought into that, because I can't see the history the two of you have, or the bizarre way you talk about the breakup as if it's not real if that weren't true. And if so, that is not fair of you. Your habit of walking away as a covert manipulation tactic may actually increase the negative behaviors that you perceive coming from him.

 

It's like the passive aggressive partner who wonders why their partner is "so emotional" when they themselves are withholding and punishing. Because the passive aggressive partner's weaponry isn't on the surface, it's easy to be smug and blame the emotionality of the other partner as the source of the problem, but really it takes two to create that dynamic. Yet the PA doesn't own their choices, they just blame the other for being the problem.

 

I'm not saying you're passive aggressive, but I do have a hunch that you might be. And if so, you need to understand that is really unfair, and that it is a useless thing. It will destroy all of your relationships if you continue to use it as a power trip. It will help to produce the negativity in partners that you claim to dislike.

 

You broke up with him. So why not let it stick this time? Can you not predict the future that if you let this one slide, then it will be one more resentment brick that you'll add to your own pile and then blame him for? It's clear to me that the pattern needs to stop. And part of that is you digging deep and taking a hard look at how YOU have contributed to that pattern. You seem to want to skip over that part.

 

Break up, stay apart for awhile and gain clarity. Those pros and cons that you mention are big deals, but if you're fresh out of the breakup, you still have a great deal to process before you'll have accurate insight or a clear idea of your missteps and how to improve yourself. That only comes with space and time.

 

If you choose to let the break up stick, you can tell him that it's because the two of you have a pattern and the pattern needs to stop and time apart is the only way to do that. Go NC, for at least two months, so you can both heal. Then talk a little bit, occasionally. See how you're feeling and if you want to get together to talk about things. You might express that his jealousy and control issues are a major source of worry for you, and see if he's had any insight into himself and what he's doing to lessen those qualities within himself. Once you see evidence of him digging deep within himself and trying to improve, you might share what you've learned about yourself and what you are changing.

 

The two of you need to learn to communicate effectively in an non-damaging manner. You may have what it takes, but you've got to let go of the past and all the anger and resentment you have stored up.

 

Of course, if you choose to stick with the breakup, then you risk him finding someone else. So that's a decision you have to make.

 

To me, it looks like a decision between sliding right back into the same pattern, a chance at making some lasting changes by both being apart and focusing on self-improvement, or by moving on with your lives without one another.

 

If it were me, I'd choose to stay apart, and wait to see how I feel as to whether things could be fixed in the future, or if it's better to stay broken up. And I say this to you because you are the one posting here - you've got a lot of work to do yourself. You've given several clues that you don't approach the relationship in the healthiest manner yourself. It may be that the two of you don't work, or it may be that you can work with a punch of the "reset" button.

[erklat]

Except the brakeup - makeup part of story your positives are pretty much

everything I'd want to see in my ideal relationship where I'd have butterflies

in stomach. It would give me environment I'm comfortable in.

 

There are plenty of cases people staying together with someone we

Would condemn as an abuser for a lifetime. But maybe it was comfortable

for them in their little universe.

 

Just saying. Couple of days ago me and my wife agreed we would have

more arguments/debates. Why? Because now that dynamic suits the two of us.

 

This is not black and white case imo.

 

Controlling can be cured with a catalyst potent enough. I made it from

controlling to scandalous liberalism.

Edited February 13, 2015 by erklat

[justwondering_xoxo]

I never meant us breaking up as a manipulation tactic. It only ever happened if something major happened and when I expected nothing more of him than to just not be in each other's lives again. But each time something has happened like a birthday or a chance meeting that has brought us back together. But yes it's my fault for not staying strong enough.

 

My problem being I'm away from home and the loneliness/boredom really gets to me if he's not around, more so because as I grew closer to him I've inadvertently isolated myself from everyone else.

 

Half the time we're together I broach the topic of breaking up because honestly that's what I know we need but it's near impossible to put it in practice and stick by it. It would be much easier if he'd break up instead. Because each time I've brought up the topic he talks about how he did so much for me and this is what he got in return, so he's not going to be a nice guy anymore. And I hate it when he says that because I don't want it to be like I ruined his perception of all girls.

 

And the only time I can stick by a break up is if we have a major fight, and there is a good reason.. right now he's again being extra nice so I'd feel guilty for breaking up for no reason out of nowhere.

I do understand it's my own fault for not sticking by NC the previous time.

But now when I point out to him how unhealthy our relationship is he denies it and keeps saying "we love each other and that's enough"

 

I want him in my life, because beneath it all, he's a good person and would make a great friend, not boyfriend. But he's not willing stay just friends instead.

 

Thanks a ton to all the posters for your insight.

[BC1980]

So the reasons you stay or keep going back are:

 

1. Loneliness and boredom.

2. He guilts you into staying.

 

Time to cut the cord for good and go NC. Don't try being friends. You need to I your separate ways.

[justwondering_xoxo]

I decided to go NC again. Just blocked him everywhere.

I hope I'm strong enough to stick by it this time at least.

 

We had a nice valentines day together and even the next day(today) was going well. But it all went downhill in the evening when I asked for his phone jokingly because he checks mine all the time. And I was getting a bad vibe. I never expected to find anything because he is a loyal guy. But to my surprise there were many calls he'd exchanged with a girl. I didn't want to look further so I gave the phone back and he admitted he had deleted conversations with some other girls.

He said none of the conversations were of a flirtatious nature and they just needed some technical information.

 

I know I shouldn't mind but this is the same guy who used to Make a fuss if I spoke or texted any other guy. And I cannot be okay with this hypocrisy and don't understand the need to hide things. The best part being he isn't even sorry and instead is bringing up past instances where I'd texted my male friends.

 

I suppose it isn't really a big deal so it appears like At this point I suppose I'm just looking for reasons to break up. I don't know. I do love him. But I hope i can stick by NC this time. I don't know if I can do it because It was incredibly difficult to stay without him the last time but both of us clearly need time apart to give us some clarity on our situation.

Edited February 15, 2015 by justwondering_xoxo

[BC1980]

I decided to go NC again. Just blocked him everywhere.

I hope I'm strong enough to stick by it this time at least.

 

We had a nice valentines day together and even the next day(today) was going well. But it all went downhill in the evening when I asked for his phone jokingly because he checks mine all the time. And I was getting a bad vibe. I never expected to find anything because he is a loyal guy. But to my surprise there were many calls he'd exchanged with a girl. I didn't want to look further so I gave the phone back and he admitted he had deleted conversations with some other girls.

He said none of the conversations were of a flirtatious nature and they just needed some technical information.

 

I know I shouldn't mind but this is the same guy who used to Make a fuss if I spoke or texted any other guy. And I cannot be okay with this hypocrisy and don't understand the need to hide things. The best part being he isn't even sorry and instead is bringing up past instances where I'd texted my male friends.

 

I suppose it isn't really a big deal so it appears like At this point I suppose I'm just looking for reasons to break up. I don't know. I do love him. But I hope i can stick by NC this time. I don't know if I can do it because It was incredibly difficult to stay without him the last time but both of us clearly need time apart to give us some clarity on our situation.

 

Did you break up with him? Did you make it clear? I think that once and for all, you need to tell him it's not going to work, and the two of you need to go your separate ways. Tell him not to contact you, and you will not contact him. The phone calls from the other girl are suspicious, but I think this has needed to end for a long time now.

[idoltree]

I decided to go NC again. Just blocked him everywhere.

I hope I'm strong enough to stick by it this time at least.

 

We had a nice valentines day together and even the next day(today) was going well. But it all went downhill in the evening when I asked for his phone jokingly because he checks mine all the time. And I was getting a bad vibe. I never expected to find anything because he is a loyal guy.

 

You're broken up. Just because you want to reserve the right to act like you're not because it suits your needs at the moment does not mean he needs to be true to you or meet your standards of a boyfriend.

 

But to my surprise there were many calls he'd exchanged with a girl. I didn't want to look further so I gave the phone back and he admitted he had deleted conversations with some other girls.

He said none of the conversations were of a flirtatious nature and they just needed some technical information.

 

I know I shouldn't mind but this is the same guy who used to Make a fuss if I spoke or texted any other guy. And I cannot be okay with this hypocrisy and don't understand the need to hide things. The best part being he isn't even sorry and instead is bringing up past instances where I'd texted my male friends.

Good for him for talking to other girls!

 

You keep him in this cycle of using him to avoid loneliness, keeping one foot out the door, breaking up with him on a whim or starting an argument so you have a "reason" to break up, then not wanting him to treat you like you're broken up, then resenting him for all of it.

 

At this point I suppose I'm just looking for reasons to break up.

This is so unlike you.

 

And aren't you already broken up? What sort of alternate reality do you spend your time in? Because I would like access to some of the drugs that would take me there, too.

 

The one who has some deep issues is you, not him, aside from his sense of loyalty and hopefulness toward you, which seem to be deteriorating. Good for him.

 

I suppose it isn't really a big deal so it appears like At this point I suppose I'm just looking for reasons to break up. I don't know. I do love him.

You don't love him. You don't appear to know what love is. It is not using someone for your own gain, and that's what you've admitted to doing. You have been with him to avoid feeling lonely. That is not love, it is selfishness.

 

Does narcissism run in your family? This ability to use someone to suit your own purposes, never taking responsibility for your actions, and then blaming and resenting the other person for "making you do it" is pretty classic.

 

But I hope i can stick by NC this time. I don't know if I can do it

Gee whillikers! Making a decision and sticking by it is soooooo haaaard.

 

because It was incredibly difficult to stay without him the last time

Because you felt lonely, and you'd rather use someone to avoid that feeling than be a big girl and deal with it.

 

but both of us clearly need time apart to give us some clarity on our situation.

You don't need clarity. You need to think about more than yourself and your needs and let him go to be with someone who wants to love him and won't treat him as shabbily as you do.

 

If you want to approach an action that resembles actual love instead of selfishness, let him go.

[alphamale]

i think this relationship ran its course long ago

[justwondering_xoxo]

You're broken up. Just because you want to reserve the right to act like you're not because it suits your needs at the moment does not mean he needs to be true to you or meet your standards of a boyfriend.

 

Good for him for talking to other girls!

 

And aren't you already broken up? What sort of alternate reality do you spend your time in? Because I would like access to some of the drugs that would take me there, too

 

No, we aren't broken up. We had a second fight after which I had posted this thread.

And no, at the time that he exchanged calls with the other girls, we were very much together, and not yet fought. However I found out only much later.

 

QUOTE=idoltree;6162252]

This is so unlike you

 

What is?

 

 

Does narcissism run in your family? This ability to use someone to suit your own purposes, never taking responsibility for your actions, and then blaming and resenting the other person for "making you do it" is pretty classic

 

No, it doesn't nor is it the criterion to diagnose it. The part about "never taking responsibility for your actions, and then blaming and resenting the other person for "making you do it" is him since a year, so ironically I thought he's the narc.

 

You keep him in this cycle of using him to avoid loneliness, keeping one foot out the door, breaking up with him on a whim or starting an argument so you have a "reason" to break up, then not wanting him to treat you like you're broken up, then resenting him for all of it.

 

The one who has some deep issues is you, not him, aside from his sense of loyalty and hopefulness toward you, which seem to be deteriorating. Good for him.

 

You don't love him. You don't appear to know what love is. It is not using someone for your own gain, and that's what you've admitted to doing. You have been with him to avoid feeling lonely. That is not love, it is selfishness.

 

 

 

Because you felt lonely, and you'd rather use someone to avoid that feeling than be a big girl and deal with it.

 

You don't need clarity. You need to think about more than yourself and your needs and let him go to be with someone who wants to love him and won't treat him as shabbily as you do.

 

If you want to approach an action that resembles actual love instead of selfishness, let him go.

 

 

Thank you for taking the time to post. I particularly agree with the above things you said. And yes, the selfishness. It provided excellent perspective. I'm going to go against the grain here and give us one more shot. A part of me is skeptical about it but I will try and see if our issues can be resolved.

Because it isn't easy breaking up 1) I'd feel guilty and like I'm hurting him too much 2) he never agrees to it 3) we've grown too attached to each other

 

Update: He finally agreed to break up('not be together' as he says it)because he can't take my temper anymore and I didn't agree to change,but says he wants it to end on good terms, and that both of us are close, so if either of us feel like talking to each other it should be ok. I'm not sure where that leaves us. But if he can be friends as he suggested then I guess that's actually for the best.

And honestly when he himself wants it too, then it isn't selfish if u remain friends isn't it.

Edited February 17, 2015 by justwondering_xoxo

[justwondering_xoxo]

---------------

Edited February 17, 2015 by justwondering_xoxo

[justwondering_xoxo]

You're broken up. Just because you want to reserve the right to act like you're not because it suits your needs at the moment does not mean he needs to be true to you or meet your standards of a boyfriend.

 

Good for him for talking to other girls!

 

You keep him in this cycle of using him to avoid loneliness, keeping one foot out the door, breaking up with him on a whim or starting an argument so you have a "reason" to break up, then not wanting him to treat you like you're broken up, then resenting him for all of it.

 

This is so unlike you.

 

And aren't you already broken up? What sort of alternate reality do you spend your time in? Because I would like access to some of the drugs that would take me there, too.

 

The one who has some deep issues is you, not him, aside from his sense of loyalty and hopefulness toward you, which seem to be deteriorating. Good for him.

 

You don't love him. You don't appear to know what love is. It is not using someone for your own gain, and that's what you've admitted to doing. You have been with him to avoid feeling lonely. That is not love, it is selfishness.

 

Does narcissism run in your family? This ability to use someone to suit your own purposes, never taking responsibility for your actions, and then blaming and resenting the other person for "making you do it" is pretty classic.

 

Gee whillikers! Making a decision and sticking by it is soooooo haaaard.

 

Because you felt lonely, and you'd rather use someone to avoid that feeling than be a big girl and deal with it.

 

You don't need clarity. You need to think about more than yourself and your needs and let him go to be with someone who wants to love him and won't treat him as shabbily as you do.

 

If you want to approach an action that resembles actual love instead of selfishness, let him go.

 

 

Thank you for taking the time to reply. You are spot on about me being the one with issues. It's a harsh reality I need to deal with. It's scary that it's been almost a year since my last post, and it's only now that I'm actually starting to realize we are broken up for good, we will never get back, cause he sent me a picture yesterday.

 

We got back and broke up over the course of the last year and it finally ended when he sent me a picture of him with his new girl, and asked me to leave him alone. It was a slap in the face. All this time when I tried to break up with him, he never let me go, and now when I was actually ready to do anything to make it work, he dumped me for another girl.

 

His reason is that I realized too late, and that when he was ready to do anything for me, I didn't want to work as hard on it as I do now. I wish I'd taken your advice almost a year ago.

Yes what he said makes sense but it really stings that he says he found the perfect girl for him in just two weeks of meeting her and how he says she understands him in a way I never could. It's like he prolonged the relationship up to the point that he found another girl to replace me with. And all the reasons he used to prove we must not break up when i'd suggest a break up magically don't apply anymore since he's the one breaking up not me.

 

But it's too late now and I guess there's nothing left to do than suck it up and move on.

[BC1980]

You fell for an old trick. He strung you along, as backup, until he found someone else. I've been there and done that, so I know it stings. I feel like it's one of those things you have to experience to believe.

[justwondering_xoxo]

I kept beating myself over what happened but in a few lines you accurately summed up my entire last year. Thanks for your reply, BC1980, it gave me clarity, I was overthinking everything instead of accepting the simple reality that he just strung me along until he found someone else.

[BC1980]

I kept beating myself over what happened but in a few lines you accurately summed up my entire last year. Thanks for your reply, BC1980, it gave me clarity, I was overthinking everything instead of accepting the simple reality that he just strung me along until he found someone else.

 

It happens all the time. I feel like a lot of people don't set out with those intentions, but that's why you have to be the one to leave if the other person is lukewarm or wishy washy. I'd rather the person just flat out reject me, but a lot of people don't want to do that. They feel guilty and don't want to be the bad guy. They enjoy your company enough to delay pulling the trigger, but they aren't planning on a full commitment. It's okay. You'll be smarter next time.