How stupid would it be to WAIT for someone?

[freebird31]

Hi guys,

 

So I am writing this post as a desperate plea for some kind of direction as i feel a little bit lost.

 

I have been broken up with my ex (and first love) for almost 2 years now. i have tried everything in order to move on. But with all this time apart, nothing has worked. IF anything, I have only just shed light on how much he really meant to me, and how much love I had for this guy.

 

Some background: We are both 23. We dated for only 8 months. But we have known each other for about 3 years prior to dating. We had broken up because he said he did not want a relationship/girlfriend anymore. Towards the end of the relationship, his schedule got hectic and soon it was hard to see one another. I nagged at him to see him more and this pushed him away and stressed him out (I have realized this now) and eventually he said he wanted to be single.

 

During these last 2 years that we have been broken up, I have reached out twice. The first time was one year ago when i depserately wanted some closure. So i reached out with a peace offering (even though he was just as at fault for the way things had ended.) The second time was just recently when I once again reached out to him to ask how he was. This conversation was light and filled with small talk. Nothing heavy, and the past was not brought up.He is still in school and he told me that he is really busy with work and school and trying to pay rent. i feel like the timing is off for a relationship. But i really think that him and I never finished what we started.

 

I have tried dating other men. And i even began to get serious with one guy who i really liked. But among other certain circumstances, I kept thinking about my ex when i was with him. Maybe it was because he was the first person i dated after my ex, I am not sure. But even when I talk to other guys, I still think of my ex. I want one person, and one person only. Anyone else would really be settling for me. Now that I am getting older I am beginning to look for relationships that have potential for a future. I am not really into the idea of dating for just fun. I am looking for something serious, perhaps my life partner. And no one else comes to mind other than my ex. After all this time apart, I have only realized how much he really meant to me.

 

So my question to you is, how stupid and naive would it be to wait for someone? I really feel like the timing is still off for me and my ex and we are both young. I really think that I could wait much longer, for a better time. Maybe then, I will reach out once more. one last time. idk. I cant just "move on" because I have already tried it, and there isnt anyone else I want more than my ex. I really feel like my ex and I are a good match for one another. I have given him space and time these last two years of being a part. I have given him everything. I still respect him. And quite frankly, i dont think my ex will find another woman who has this much love for him. Not like I do.

 

I have waited for a long time before dating. Dating doesnt seem to be a good idea as i have not moved on yet. I would much rather wait.... or wait for my ex to come around. What does anyone else think about this? I know most of you will say to "just move on!" or "find someone else". But I dont think anyone understands how much i care for this person. i mean it has been TWO YEARS and i still care.

 

Any Advice? or Any opposing views?? Anyone out there who thinks this is a bad idea to wait? or maybe a good idea?

I just need some light shed on this situation.

Edited February 12, 2015 by freebird31

[NopeNah]

About as stupid as it would be for me to spend $300+ on roses for my ex on Vday...Insanely stupid! I wait for no one and life doesn't either!

[freebird31]

But what if there was a chance, even if it was the smallest slightest chance, that you could have the VERY thing, the ONE thing that you yearn for. The one thing that you have waited to find, and found it. What if there was a chance to have this? You wouldn't wait? To me, if i dont wait....i would just be settling if I dated someone else. If i were to settle down with someone else, I would always think about what would/could have happened if i just gave it some more time. What if some patience brought you the one thing you wanted most in life. idk.

[d0nnivain]

In this case it would be a bad idea. You have to focus your energy on accepting the fact that he's gone & it's over.

 

You have already "waited" more than 2x longer then the relationship lasted.

[MajorOak]

Hey freebird31 sending you hug,

IMO the attachment you are feeling is for the old guy he once was, he has more than likely changed and moved on in the two years.

So the question I would be asking is, would I like and love the new person and are they worth waiting for?

 

 

You are using old memories and emotions as a bench mark to the new guys you are meeting.

This is unfair, as I said I think he has gone, I'm sorry.

[NopeNah]

But what if there was a chance, even if it was the smallest slightest chance, that you could have the VERY thing, the ONE thing that you yearn for. The one thing that you have waited to find, and found it. What if there was a chance to have this? You wouldn't wait? To me, if i dont wait....i would just be settling if I dated someone else. If i were to settle down with someone else, I would always think about what would/could have happened if i just gave it some more time. What if some patience brought you the one thing you wanted most in life. idk.

I no longer want the person my ex has become or probably always has been and I just ignored it. I've changed my mindset to what's best for ME..where it should have always been.

[Ralph79]

Waiting is really a gamble. And the stakes are not worth the reward given the circumstances.

 

He's moved on. He's a different man now. You need to do the same. And in regards to settling if it's not him, let me put it to you this way:

 

You have a path destiny has set out for you. We all walk down that path. At some point you shared this path with him, but his path diverted. If you hope to run into him again, you must continue walking it. Maybe your paths will intertwine again, maybe not, but you cannot stay still. He will not revert to come back for you.

 

You gave him a lot. He gave you a lot. Learn from this and be a better woman for it. Meet more men. (Not saying sleep with them). But discover more qualities in people so you can build a more refined and complete concept of your ideal partner.

 

Once you do that, strive to be the woman you would expect your ideal partner would want. You have much to look forward to. A full life to live to waste a very important part of it waiting on someone who might never return.

[na49]

I don't think it makes sense to wait for him still. If he ever comes back, you have a good problem to have. This is how I'm trying to look at my breakup. Sure, I'd love for her to come back and ask to try things again, but at the same time if she doesn't, I need to be okay with that too.

[freebird31]

What am i supposed to do in the mean time? I cannot date other men because i am not fully moved on. yet I cannot have my ex. I am caught in between and it is so lonely and frustrating. I meet guys who I am attracted to who show interest, and all i can think is "i wish that I could give you all of me" but i cannot. Potential good matches, and I let them pass up because I still am not moved on. You can imagine how frustrating it is. I feel really trapped..like I am not meant to be happy. I am meant to be alone. I really feel like I am one of those people who are meant to be either 1) alone, or 2) someone who doesnt meet their life partner until a much later age.

 

It is so damn frustrating to feel this way all the time. I just want some peace of mind. you can imagine how lonely it gets.

[d0nnivain]

Work on moving forward. Do whatever you have to do to get over him.

 

I suggest writing a list of what you are better off apart then together.

 

If you haven't already rearrange your living space so there are no reminders.

 

Also write down some personal goals for yourself that you want to accomplish while you have free time between relationships. Then work on those goals.

[Ralph79]

What am i supposed to do in the mean time?

 

Keep doing this:

I meet guys who I am attracted to who show interest, and all i can think is "i wish that I could give you all of me" but i cannot. Potential good matches, and I let them pass up .

It simply means you haven't met the right one. There will be one who will make you throw caution to the wind. He hasn't come yet.

 

You also need to have the right mindset. Don't sentence yourself to be emotionally unavailable. Tell yourself you are not the problem. Tell yourself you simply have emotional standards that need to be met in order for a guy to get your full attention.

 

Don't ask yourself why you can't be happy. Don't ask yourself why you are meant to be alone. Those are the dumb questions and your life will give you dumb answers.

 

Ask yourself: What do I need to be happy?. What does a guy need to do to sweep me off my feet?. Ask yourself smart questions and life will give you the right answers.

 

Seek those answers and you will find them.

[BC1980]

Freebird, you have not tried everything to move on because you have never stuck to NC. You have never shut the door on this guy. You are past the time for making excuses, and I was so disheartened to see you post a thread like this again. I am so rooting for you, but you don't seem to want to move on. Why stay stuck on this guy who does not want you? You are wasting your life away. There is no more advice I can offer you at this point if you will not consider NC. I'm coming from a place of concern for you and very much want to see you move on.

 

You know that there is no chance to be with this guy. You have reached out several times, and he has told you no each time. I want to see you start living your life and stop clinging to this guy.

[Satu]

All you have is the present moment.

 

Cherish it.

[BC1980]

What am i supposed to do in the mean time?

 

I suggest you read these two books as a starting point:

"The No Contact Rule" by Natalie Lue

"Getting Past Your Breakup" by Susan Eliot

 

Go NC, and shut the door on this for good.

[Satu]

What am i supposed to do in the mean time? I cannot date other men because i am not fully moved on. yet I cannot have my ex. I am caught in between and it is so lonely and frustrating. I meet guys who I am attracted to who show interest, and all i can think is "i wish that I could give you all of me" but i cannot. Potential good matches, and I let them pass up because I still am not moved on. You can imagine how frustrating it is. I feel really trapped..like I am not meant to be happy. I am meant to be alone. I really feel like I am one of those people who are meant to be either 1) alone, or 2) someone who doesnt meet their life partner until a much later age.

 

It is so damn frustrating to feel this way all the time. I just want some peace of mind. you can imagine how lonely it gets.

 

The key to mental and emotional health is accepting reality as it is, and then successfully adapting to it.

 

You are not doing that.

[Oneness]

You are young, too young IMO to think about never finding anyone else, and too young to get serious with anyone. Like others said, you need to work on moving on. Get some therapy if you need to, if you feel stuck.

 

And remember...you are wiating for him...but is he waiting for you? Why do yo uthink he would come back to you one day? Don't be a victim of magical thinking, he may have moved on already. You have not been a part of his life for two years, you are both young...he may have plans for your future that don't include you. Don't build this fantasy in your mind that you will be together agian one day...because it is one sided. It takes two people on the same page to have a relationship.

[Omei]

Don't ever wait for anyone unless they're deployed cuz thats loyally romantic.

[darkbloom]

I don't think it makes sense to wait for him still. If he ever comes back, you have a good problem to have. This is how I'm trying to look at my breakup. Sure, I'd love for her to come back and ask to try things again, but at the same time if she doesn't, I need to be okay with that too.

 

Not to hijack but na you are finally talking some sense.

[freebird31]

Freebird, you have not tried everything to move on because you have never stuck to NC. You have never shut the door on this guy. You are past the time for making excuses, and I was so disheartened to see you post a thread like this again. I am so rooting for you, but you don't seem to want to move on. Why stay stuck on this guy who does not want you? You are wasting your life away. There is no more advice I can offer you at this point if you will not consider NC. I'm coming from a place of concern for you and very much want to see you move on.

 

You know that there is no chance to be with this guy. You have reached out several times, and he has told you no each time. I want to see you start living your life and stop clinging to this guy.

 

BC1980, i know.... you have followed my stories throughout most of this journey. I know. But it is so much easier said than done. I only reached out twice though......thats not too bad, right......i know. Moving on seems to be the only option I have left. I want to be able to one day share my story on this forum about how I finally got through this. I just got sidetracked again.

[CT98]

You will only be settling because that's what you're telling yourself.

 

How do you KNOW there will be no one else out there who is:

 

A. Better suited for you

 

B. You will love so much more

 

C. Will love you back just as much.

 

There are so many wonderful people in the world, all with their own great qualities.

 

This guy maybe special; but he's only as special as you are, and you deserve someone great to love you back.

 

Go about your life doing as you please, live for yourself, it's too short to be wasted waiting on someone who may or may not want you.

 

If you do this someone fantastic will come along, they ALWAYS do.

[Itspointless]

Hi freebird, you say that you do not think everyone knows how much you care about him. I think I know (I am quite the same). I also remember how this guy reacted to you ...

BC1980, i know.... you have followed my stories throughout most of this journey. I know. But it is so much easier said than done. I only reached out twice though......thats not too bad, right......i know. Moving on seems to be the only option I have left. I want to be able to one day share my story on this forum about how I finally got through this. I just got sidetracked again.

Well, I am over 10 months no contact as it is the only way for me. Since about a month I started to feel like normal again. Except when someone asks about her, then I sometimes feel like crying again, so I do not fool myself. Have you tried therapy? I remember that you also encountered loss in your family and illness with your father. I am familiair with these kind of things, I experienced them when I was somewhat younger than you. You also seem to be stuck in convictions about him and you. It seems to me both things are very important to work on.

Edited February 13, 2015 by Itspointless

[freebird31]

Hi freebird, you say that you do not think everyone knows how much you care about him. I think I know (I am quite the same). I also remember how this guy reacted to you ...

 

Well, I am over 10 months no contact as it is the only way for me. Since about a month I started to feel like normal again. Except when someone asks about her, then I sometimes feel like crying again, so I do not fool myself. Have you tried therapy? I remember that you also encountered loss in your family and illness with your father. I am familiair with these kind of things, I experienced them when I was somewhat younger than you. You also seem to be stuck in convictions about him and you. It seems to me both things are very important to work on.

 

Yes the loss was a close relative of mine, which was almost ten years ago now. I was 13 when he passed away but he was a close relative of the family. I grew up with him. He never had children, so he treated me like I was his daughter practically raised me alongside my own parents. My second father. Idk maybe that has something to do with my inability to cope with situations.. that was a long time ago, but still carry the scar as anyone would...

But a lot of it also has to do with my friendship with my best friend of 8 years ending about one year ago. I think the lack of support and loss of friendship has a lot to do with my fumbling back and forth. I think my support system is not as strong as I would like it to be. I'm very much coping with this and have been coping with this break up since the beginning on my own and with the help of this forum.

I would consider therapy but I know those sessions are not cheap.

[Itspointless]

Freebird, I have the feeling that you place more importance onto others than yourself and what actually is concidered secure in attachment-speak. It makes that you make your ex a much bigger person than he actually was or your friend. It also makes that we choose people who eventually do such things to us. Yes that can be a result of the things that happaned in your past and it certainly plays a role in how much listening we need by others. I can recommened you some books if you want.

[BC1980]

BC1980, i know.... you have followed my stories throughout most of this journey. I know. But it is so much easier said than done. I only reached out twice though......thats not too bad, right......i know. Moving on seems to be the only option I have left. I want to be able to one day share my story on this forum about how I finally got through this. I just got sidetracked again.

 

I think reaching out once is one times too many if it sets you back. It's also about your mindset. Do you want to move on? Do you want to accept that this is over? I had to get up and tell myself that it was over everyday for months before the idea finally began to sink in. I told myself that I would never contact him again, and he was a thing of the past. Did I believe it when I first starting saying it? No. But over time, I did believe it because I stuck to NC, and I started building a new life.

 

I really want you to come back here with a success story. I'm rooting for you because I get where you are coming from, but, nearly two years on, and you are talking about waiting for a second chance with him. That tells me that your mindset is not in the right place. You have only contacted him twice, but you still hold onto the idea of reconciliation. Do you not see how unrealistic that is? You have nothing to do with his life. You don't know him anymore. He has chosen to walk a different path. Does it hurt? Yes. But I don't think that you have ever accepted that reality. You have simply got to let this guy go if you want to move on. I hope I'm not being too hard on you, but it's coming from a place of concern.

 

What are you doing to create a new life? At one point, I realized that my life was different than it was with my ex, and I actually preferred it that way. I was actually nervous that he would try to come back and pull me back into the old life. I wanted the new life.

[Ralph79]

@BC1980:

 

With the most sincere and heartfelt respect, I hope you don't take these observations personally because I know you mean the best for the OP.

 

I believe most of us , OP included, have friends and family that will ultimately give us the "tough love" approach when all else fails. Or we realize that the people dearest to us also get hurt when we get hurt from our poorly made decisions. Thus we seek these boards.

 

These boards are a blessing. A chance to speak our mind candidly knowing we will get advice from people that speak from experience, free from the bias that stems from the love of those who know us.

 

I think comments like this one:

You are past the time for making excuses, and I was so disheartened to see you post a thread like this again.

go beyond tough love. I think they might deter the OP from freely expressing herself in the future because she might feel pressure to meet certain expectations of progress, like

 

I really want you to come back here with a success story.

 

I know we all want her to be happy. But we should make her feel supported when she falters not shunned, without condoning counterproductive actions lest we become enablers.

 

I know in the overall context of your posts you are very supportive and wise in what you say. But those sentences really stuck out to me, and I worried the OP might feel what I suspected, because it's obvious she really respects your advice and takes it to heart, specially when it looks like you have participated in her threads for a long time. 6 months down the road, we wouldn't want to keep her from posting for fear of letting us down now, would we?

 

I'm sorry, I am rarely confrontational, but I wanted to point that out. Didn't mean to make you uncomfortable if that was the case.