How stupid would it be to WAIT for someone?

[Rejected Rosebud]

Do not wait for him, don't!! I just read some of your old posts and you have a lot of negative things to say about him maybe you should read them back yourself!! Anyway, about waiting - I think you would be waiting forever, and you said he "strung you along" for 5 months, do you want to sign up for stringing yourself along for who knows how long?? I think he has probably moved on and I hope you can figure out how to do it too, I know it's really hard, you can do it though.

[Itspointless]

You know Freebird, there are things in life that are so hard to accept, but if we ever want to have a chance to be happy again we have to try to accept those situations. That really is a sore journey, especially if our identity was defined by them. Waiting does place you in a position where you essentially stop your life. I believe he made you happy once, but you deserve much more than a guy who is not crazy about you. Just as I deserve more than someone who runs away when she is stressed. I still do not like that, but what else can I do?

[BC1980]

@BC1980:

 

With the most sincere and heartfelt respect, I hope you don't take these observations personally because I know you mean the best for the OP.

 

I believe most of us , OP included, have friends and family that will ultimately give us the "tough love" approach when all else fails. Or we realize that the people dearest to us also get hurt when we get hurt from our poorly made decisions. Thus we seek these boards.

 

These boards are a blessing. A chance to speak our mind candidly knowing we will get advice from people that speak from experience, free from the bias that stems from the love of those who know us.

 

I think comments like this one:

 

go beyond tough love. I think they might deter the OP from freely expressing herself in the future because she might feel pressure to meet certain expectations of progress, like

 

 

 

I know we all want her to be happy. But we should make her feel supported when she falters not shunned, without condoning counterproductive actions lest we become enablers.

 

I know in the overall context of your posts you are very supportive and wise in what you say. But those sentences really stuck out to me, and I worried the OP might feel what I suspected, because it's obvious she really respects your advice and takes it to heart, specially when it looks like you have participated in her threads for a long time. 6 months down the road, we wouldn't want to keep her from posting for fear of letting us down now, would we?

 

I'm sorry, I am rarely confrontational, but I wanted to point that out. Didn't mean to make you uncomfortable if that was the case.

 

I don't take it personally, and it's a fine line to walk between support and blunt advice. I think the advice depends on the poster and their history, and the tone of something written can be taken different way than what was originally intended. I truly don't think the OP will be deterred from posting by my comments though. She has been around these forums for awhile and has probably heard similar comments or even harsher comments. I do stand by the comments though. Obviously, she is free to take it or leave it.

[Ralph79]

I don't take it personally, and it's a fine line to walk between support and blunt advice. I think the advice depends on the poster and their history, and the tone of something written can be taken different way than what was originally intended. I truly don't think the OP will be deterred from posting by my comments though. She has been around these forums for awhile and has probably heard similar comments or even harsher comments. I do stand by the comments though. Obviously, she is free to take it or leave it.

 

Fair enough. I guess I'm projecting a little as well. The sections I highlighted immediately reminded me of my friends and family pretty much saying : "Again?! You are still going on about this!?" With a grimacing face. I realize they didn't do it because it bothered them. They did it so that I wouldn't bring those problems up so often and allowed my conscience some relief. They too found it discouraging that I hadn't moved on with my life for so long, so I opted to continue my discussions here, in order to not disappoint them anymore.

 

I get things off my chest here, and I continue on about other topics with people I know in real life.

 

For what it's worth I agree with your statements. I just think the OP's has had a hard time getting over the eX because she's been considerate enough to not to commit to someone else, for fear that they might simply be part of a rebound relationship, and the right guy hasn't come along yet I guess.

[BC1980]

Fair enough. I guess I'm projecting a little as well. The sections I highlighted immediately reminded me of my friends and family pretty much saying : "Again?! You are still going on about this!?" With a grimacing face. I realize they didn't do it because it bothered them. They did it so that I wouldn't bring those problems up so often and allowed my conscience some relief. They too found it discouraging that I hadn't moved on with my life for so long, so I opted to continue my discussions here, in order to not disappoint them anymore.

 

I get things off my chest here, and I continue on about other topics with people I know in real life.

 

For what it's worth I agree with your statements. I just think the OP's has had a hard time getting over the eX because she's been considerate enough to not to commit to someone else, for fear that they might simply be part of a rebound relationship, and the right guy hasn't come along yet I guess.

 

I get what you're saying. I wouldn't want anyone to be deterred from expressing what they feel, but, at a certain point, you have to ask yourself why you are revisiting the same thing after so long. I had to ask this of myself. I had to tell myself that I'd already been down this road and it needed to be put to bed. I think it helps tremendously to put the energy into thoughts about moving on or even trying to figure out how the same thoughts persists.

[ballycastle]

I get what you're saying. I wouldn't want anyone to be deterred from expressing what they feel, but, at a certain point, you have to ask yourself why you are revisiting the same thing after so long. I had to ask this of myself. I had to tell myself that I'd already been down this road and it needed to be put to bed. I think it helps tremendously to put the energy into thoughts about moving on or even trying to figure out how the same thoughts persists.

 

Could it be possible that people never recover? Not one size fits all. Not everyone meets the love of their lives, if they did no one would be on this site. The O. P could be struggling because she might not ever recover. You just learn, or try to, accept what has happened eventually. For some 2 years is nothing, it might be 4 before she fully recovers. I understand also about close friends hoping you are over things, so much so I don't see these people as much because I don't want them to be disappointed I am still not healed after over a year particularly as when we do the conversations are about their partners so I feel a complete failure.

 

I, like the O.P am struggling too with my break up. I felt it was my last chance to be happy, I am approaching 50 and it is impossible to meet partners when you're older due to baggage and less availability. So I understand fully.

 

So much so I don't believe there is this mystical person out there for me. Just being realistic. Maybe that's why she can't move on. So I concentrate on a lonely life and settle for that.

[BC1980]

Could it be possible that people never recover? Not one size fits all. Not everyone meets the love of their lives, if they did no one would be on this site. The O. P could be struggling because she might not ever recover. You just learn, or try to, accept what has happened eventually. For some 2 years is nothing, it might be 4 before she fully recovers. I understand also about close friends hoping you are over things, so much so I don't see these people as much because I don't want them to be disappointed I am still not healed after over a year particularly as when we do the conversations are about their partners so I feel a complete failure.

 

I, like the O.P am struggling too with my break up. I felt it was my last chance to be happy, I am approaching 50 and it is impossible to meet partners when you're older due to baggage and less availability. So I understand fully.

 

So much so I don't believe there is this mystical person out there for me. Just being realistic. Maybe that's why she can't move on. So I concentrate on a lonely life and settle for that.

 

I think it all depends on what you define as recovery. People define moving on differently, but I don't think that there is no hope of recovery for the OP. If I felt her situation was hopeless, I would never bother to post on her threads. I once felt there was no hope of recovery for me, but I still made it through. I'm a different and changed person, but I feel there is always hope no matter what the situation.

 

She hasn't made much traction in her recovery because she refuses to accept that the relationship is over, and, if the pattern continues, it will take many more years to recover. The people who don't recover are those who refuse NC and refuse to accept the finality of the relationship. I have seen that again and again on this forum. The people who do recover are the ones who accept things as they are and commit to NC. OP has all the hope on the world of recovery if she works on these two things, and I'm sure a lot of people on this forum would be here to help here through it.

[elaine567]

the people who don't recover are those who refuse nc and refuse to accept the finality of the relationship. I have seen that again and again on this forum. the people who do recover are the ones who accept things as they are and commit to nc. op has all the hope on the world of recovery if she works on these two things, and i'm sure a lot of people on this forum would be here to help here through it.

 

^^^^ this^^^^

 

If a person is going to wallow in negativity, spend their time hating, blaming or speaking about their ex, adopting a tragic/victim persona and convincing themselves there will never be another for them, then it tends to be a self fulfilling prophesy.

[Ralph79]

I think it all depends on what you define as recovery.

 

100% true irrefutable statement.

 

She hasn't made much traction in her recovery because she refuses to accept that the relationship is over, and, if the pattern continues, it will take many more years to recover. The people who don't recover are those who refuse NC and refuse to accept the finality of the relationship.

 

This is where I think you might be generalizing her case. In my opinion, it takes more than overcoming the lingering affection you awarded someone who now rejects you, to truly recover.

 

I haven't seen my ex-wife in over 15 months. I haven't replied back to her in over 10 months. I haven't stooped to stalking. I completely cut her off my life. I can honestly tell you that if she came knocking at my door begging for a chance I would be repulsed by the idea of getting back together.

 

But I can also tell you that I haven't recovered.

 

I'm on these boards because the lingering frustration I feel over what I went through gets mitigated when I am able to help people learn from my experiences. I have been unable to take that last step needed towards a full recovery.

 

In the OP's case, I can clearly see she's battling a deeper issue than the one she projects as an obsession with her ex.

 

I feel really trapped..like I am not meant to be happy. I am meant to be alone. I really feel like I am one of those people who are meant to be either 1) alone, or 2) someone who doesnt meet their life partner until a much later age.

 

How can someone move on from ANYONE when they feel like this? He's her salvation. She needs to address these feelings first before she can even begin to let the eX out of the picture. Otherwise she'll keep coming back to him.

 

The people who do recover are the ones who accept things as they are and commit to NC.

People who accept things as they are and commit to NC are people who know how to find happiness within themselves and are spiritually and mentally healthy.

[Arieswoman]

freebird31,

Please, please, please 100x please do not waste any more of your life waiting for this guy.

 

You are young and have lots of opportunities to meet other men. Maybe you don't feel like dating now, maybe you feel like having some 'time out'. Maybe you need some therapy to stop being 'stuck' where you are?

 

For a moment listen to the ramblings of a BOF who is twice your age.

 

I have had romances that didn't work, each time my heart got broken and i said "I'll never find anyone like that again" - but I did. I was divorced and hurt beyond measure but I did learn to love again.

 

And hey ! Message to ballycastle post 31# - I was near your age when I met my second husband, I had also given up on love and was resigned to the single life with my 4 cats but we've been married for a few years now.

 

Nil desperandum !!

[BC1980]

People who accept things as they are and commit to NC are people who know how to find happiness within themselves and are spiritually and mentally healthy.

 

I think I would add an addendum to this. NC allows you the space to find happiness within yourself and become spiritually and mentally healthy. Of course, you have to use NC wisely. Just because you don't talk to the person doesn't mean you have done anything to improve yourself. It sounds like you have made progress since you would be repulsed by her wanting a second chance. I feel that way about my ex also, and I never thought I would.

[love1336x]

I would not say its stupid, more unhealthy for you.

I dated a man for six months only, and it took 3 years to get over him. My first boyfriend dated him for 3 years. Took me a year. How we all heal and recover does take time, but waiting for him to suddenly changed his mind or hoping... Is bad.

You need to accept things are over, if its meant to be it will be. Even if you start dating a new person.

I know with my recent ex, I had sex with his friend... And I thought for sure he would never ever talk to me again. But, couple months we got back together. Oh course we ended up breaking up again, but the time we were back together wasn't all bad. He was simply too immature.

 

My point being you need to take control of how you are healing.

I know its tough, but don't you want to be happy?

[Itspointless]

Fair enough. I guess I'm projecting a little as well. The sections I highlighted immediately reminded me of my friends and family pretty much saying : "Again?! You are still going on about this!?" With a grimacing face. I realize they didn't do it because it bothered them. They did it so that I wouldn't bring those problems up so often and allowed my conscience some relief. They too found it discouraging that I hadn't moved on with my life for so long, so I opted to continue my discussions here, in order to not disappoint them anymore.

This sounds very familiair. in fact I experienced this exact thing this evening. But I chose not to lie as I was asked.

In the OP's case, I can clearly see she's battling a deeper issue than the one she projects as an obsession with her ex.

 

How can someone move on from ANYONE when they feel like this? He's her salvation. She needs to address these feelings first before she can even begin to let the eX out of the picture. Otherwise she'll keep coming back to him.

Yes I agree, although he is not her salvation. Just as my ex is not my salvation, but I do wish she was.

[ballycastle]

I would not say its stupid, more unhealthy for you.

I dated a man for six months only, and it took 3 years to get over him. My first boyfriend dated him for 3 years. Took me a year. How we all heal and recover does take time, but waiting for him to suddenly changed his mind or hoping... Is bad.

You need to accept things are over

 

My point being you need to take control of how you are healing.

I know its tough, but don't you want to be happy?

 

3 years, I believe that will be the same length for me. I accept it's over and that my ability to love another is over because I fear rejection again and not being able to talk my fears through to a future partner. I did that for the last two and surprise, surprise they still left. This has crucified my self confidence confirming the childhood fear that everyone leaves. Hence why I understand the o.p clings to her past. It goes much deeper than the most recent relationship and for some it's deeply entrenched. I can fully relate to that. I don't believe I am healthy enough to be in a relationship or that anyone would want to be with me. And the self fulfilling prophecy is years of being abandoned. How do you change that?

 

That's not wallowing in pity but based on my experiences.

[dyna85]

3 years, I believe that will be the same length for me. I accept it's over and that my ability to love another is over because I fear rejection again and not being able to talk my fears through to a future partner. I did that for the last two and surprise, surprise they still left. This has crucified my self confidence confirming the childhood fear that everyone leaves. Hence why I understand the o.p clings to her past. It goes much deeper than the most recent relationship and for some it's deeply entrenched. I can fully relate to that. I don't believe I am healthy enough to be in a relationship or that anyone would want to be with me. And the self fulfilling prophecy is years of being abandoned. How do you change that?

 

That's not wallowing in pity but based on my experiences.

 

In my opinion, I truly believe that we are lovable in our current state, no matter how many things we have going on or how messed up we may feel. When you start believing this, I think the doors to true love are more apt to open than if you negate this fact. We are human and by nature, we are flawed and our past experiences naturally conjure up painful emotions and insecurities at times. This is life. No one out there is buttoned up perfectly for a relationship and lacking in such hangups or insecurities. Some just hide their issues better than others, and/or suppress them. You're just very self-aware I think, and probably therefore more self-critical. How do you change the self-fulfilling prophecy? Maybe by changing your mindset that you aren't healthy enough to be in a relationship and that no one will want to be with you. You are, and someone will. However, you need to believe this for it to happen, imo. Otherwise, your fears may continue to manifest themselves thru your experiences.

 

I've had similar thoughts as you, but sometimes I see a shining light of clarity in the darkness and remember that I am lovable and valuable, and worthy of someone who appreciates me for me. Just because others have left, doesn't make your value any less. Just because they couldn't appreciate your emotional depth and vulnerability does not reflect your self-worth.

 

Appreciate yourself and good things will follow.

[Len31]

I truly understand how you feels. I've been broken up for 5 months and I am on full NC from the very first day. Deleted everything that is related to him and trust me after 14 years knowing him not only as a boyfriend but truly my very best friend all these years, it is the hardest thing I have to do, it wasn't easy and I am not going to lie there are days where I felt that I am truly over him and then there are days such as valentine's where I feel so weak and think it's imposdible to get over him. What do I do? I just accepted that I am going to feel this sometimes in my life and it's ok. I know deep in my heart I have reached somewhere significant in this heartbreak journey of mine. Most importantly when im in despair and feel hopeless I just pray to God and told myself I have to believe that all this happen for a reason. Maybe I can't see it now but I still believe there is.

So I think no one could force you to forget or not to forget but deep down I know you want but you feel hopeless. Don't give up on yourself or the believe that we are better than this.

[Ralph79]

This sounds very familiair. in fact I experienced this exact thing this evening. But I chose not to lie as I was asked.

 

Yes I agree, although he is not her salvation. Just as my ex is not my salvation, but I do wish she was.

 

I want to clarify lol

 

I didn't mean to state that I believe he IS her salvation, I meant her state of mind is the reason SHE believes it.

[Ralph79]

I think I would add an addendum to this. NC allows you the space to find happiness within yourself and become spiritually and mentally healthy. Of course, you have to use NC wisely. Just because you don't talk to the person doesn't mean you have done anything to improve yourself. It sounds like you have made progress since you would be repulsed by her wanting a second chance. I feel that way about my ex also, and I never thought I would.

 

I agree. You can't find peace of mind and happiness by breaking NC. My point was that you will find that people who are mentally sound and happy with themselves are more likely to NOT break NC than those who aren't.

 

And yes I have made some progress. It took me 2 months to accept that what I missed was her presence in my life, not her. It took me 6 months and life altering events to accept that she didn't love me. After that I started feeling incredible anger over what she did to me during our marriage. It didn't take me long to shift that anger towards myself for allowing it to happen in the first place. And after more than a year I'm trying to overcome the emotional abuse I took, before I set foot out into the dating world.

 

As it stand right now I still feel I'm carrying a lot of personal baggage of unresolved issues I barely started working on, that were in place long before my relationship with my ex-wife that only got augmented and worsened throughout my marriage and after my divorce.

[freebird31]

For what it's worth I agree with your statements. I just think the OP's has had a hard time getting over the eX because she's been considerate enough to not to commit to someone else, for fear that they might simply be part of a rebound relationship, and the right guy hasn't come along yet I guess.

 

Hi, Ralph. This is part of it. I wouldnt be able to get into a relationship with another person if i can't fully commit to them. I feel like i have a lot of issues to work on and dating someone else right now would just be bringing a lot of baggage into the relationship.

 

 

I agree. You can't find peace of mind and happiness by breaking NC. My point was that you will find that people who are mentally sound and happy with themselves are more likely to NOT break NC than those who aren't.

 

 

I dont even know why i cant be this "mentally and emotionally healthy" person as you guys have described. I don't know what is wrong with me. I am only 23 years old. Other people my age have no problem moving on and even dating new people. Apparantly I now have deep rooted issues I was never aware of.

 

 

 

So by NC, this pretty much means that he is pretty much (not to sound dramatic) dead to me. Like I just must move on, thinking and feeling like he is dead? Because that is pretty much the same thing. I will never see him again, never speak with him...all i have will be just memories like those of loved ones that have passed away. I guess I just have a problem with letting people go. idk.

[Ralph79]

Hi

Apparantly I now have deep rooted issues I was never aware of.

By the way, sorry. I didn't to make you believe you're a crazy person or something. I'm just trying to point out that we should never feel like we are meant to be alone. In my opinion that has more to do with an internal struggle than with a relationship outcome.

 

For a while I felt the same way. It was easy for me to pin that feeling on the absence of my ex. But it as soon as I realized this was my problem, my desire to be with her again, subsided greatly.

 

So by NC, this pretty much means that he is pretty much (not to sound dramatic) dead to me.

If this guy stops being a barrier for you to establish a close relationship with someone new, then he doesn't have to be dead. As long as you are able to put your feelings in order and accept he was part of your past, not your present or your future.

[freebird31]

Hi

 

By the way, sorry. I didn't to make you believe you're a crazy person or something. I'm just trying to point out that we should never feel like we are meant to be alone. In my opinion that has more to do with an internal struggle than with a relationship outcome.

 

For a while I felt the same way. It was easy for me to pin that feeling on the absence of my ex. But it as soon as I realized this was my problem, my desire to be with her again, subsided greatly.

 

 

If this guy stops being a barrier for you to establish a close relationship with someone new, then he doesn't have to be dead. As long as you are able to put your feelings in order and accept he was part of your past, not your present or your future.

 

Thanks, I appreciate the advice. Comforting to hear.

[ballycastle]

In my opinion, I truly believe that we are lovable in our current state, no matter how many things we have going on or how messed up we may feel. When you start believing this, I think the doors to true love are more apt to open than if you negate this fact. We are human and by nature, we are flawed and our past experiences naturally conjure up painful emotions and insecurities at times. This is life. No one out there is buttoned up perfectly for a relationship and lacking in such hangups or insecurities. Some just hide their issues better than others, and/or suppress them. You're just very self-aware I think, and probably therefore more self-critical. How do you change the self-fulfilling prophecy? Maybe by changing your mindset that you aren't healthy enough to be in a relationship and that no one will want to be with you. You are, and someone will. However, you need to believe this for it to happen, imo. Otherwise, your fears may continue to manifest themselves thru your experiences.

 

I've had similar thoughts as you, but sometimes I see a shining light of clarity in the darkness and remember that I am lovable and valuable, and worthy of someone who appreciates me for me. Just because others have left, doesn't make your value any less. Just because they couldn't appreciate your emotional depth and vulnerability does not reflect your self-worth.

 

Appreciate yourself and good things will follow.

 

This was a truly beautiful quote and thank you dyna85. I have essentially been searching for someone that 'gets' me, but honestly don't believe they exist. I've been labelled by partners as too deep/an over thinker/too abstract so this made me feel even more of a freak, not worthy of being me, hence desperate to cling to someone once interested. Fear is driving me to never try again. It would kill me when it fails again. My last partner was critical about my untidy house, my abstract ideas, who I was and left me so damaged that I am not good enough (as per childhood) I am considering hypnotherapy as traditional talk therapy hasn't worked.

 

All I can do is settle at being me. I don't like it when told i will meet someone else. That just happens to other people. It's funny as I have a lot of lifelong friends, so am crippled why partners never stay or commit. Larger down to the viscous cycle of feeling not worthy of love.

 

How do you change that? There is no pill to take that erases these feelings you elaborated so well.

[love1336x]

3 years, I believe that will be the same length for me. I accept it's over and that my ability to love another is over because I fear rejection again and not being able to talk my fears through to a future partner.

I vowed no man would ever hurt me like the way he did... That's why took me so long to find another, to even let open my heart.

 

I did that for the last two and surprise, surprise they still left. This has crucified my self confidence confirming the childhood fear that everyone leaves.

 

Hence why I understand the o.p clings to her past. It goes much deeper than the most recent relationship and for some it's deeply entrenched. I can fully relate to that. I don't believe I am healthy enough to be in a relationship or that anyone would want to be with me. And the self fulfilling prophecy is years of being abandoned. How do you change that?

 

Well you won't know until you try, right? If you seal yourself off then you will never get anywhere... This is wrong thinking that "everyone" will abandoned you. Not everyone is the same, thus if you come into that mind thinking then yes, your relationship will fail.

[dyna85]

This was a truly beautiful quote and thank you dyna85. I have essentially been searching for someone that 'gets' me, but honestly don't believe they exist. I've been labelled by partners as too deep/an over thinker/too abstract so this made me feel even more of a freak, not worthy of being me, hence desperate to cling to someone once interested. Fear is driving me to never try again. It would kill me when it fails again. My last partner was critical about my untidy house, my abstract ideas, who I was and left me so damaged that I am not good enough (as per childhood) I am considering hypnotherapy as traditional talk therapy hasn't worked.

 

All I can do is settle at being me. I don't like it when told i will meet someone else. That just happens to other people. It's funny as I have a lot of lifelong friends, so am crippled why partners never stay or commit. Larger down to the viscous cycle of feeling not worthy of love.

 

How do you change that? There is no pill to take that erases these feelings you elaborated so well.

 

Ballycastle, I can empathize with you so much, because I, too, struggle with finding someone who 'gets me' and doesn't label me a certain way when I am just being me, and sometimes wonder, 'is he out there?' (he being someone who understands me on the whole and doesn't criticize me for certain aspects of my personality - like my emotional depth & sensitivity).

 

It becomes frustrating and can make you feel hopeless when time after time, it doesn't work out the way you want. However, I just figure, being a spiritual person and a big believer in fate, that whatever will be will be, and it must be that these guys are just not the right ones.

 

You hear stories all the time about how people go through really bad apples before finally meeting the right person where it all clicks and falls into place.

 

I truly think you just haven't come across the right person. The right person won't make you feel deficient or devalued.

 

There's one thing to take constructive feedback and work to improve in certain areas, but it's a whole other thing to judge yourself for being you (ie. being deep and analytical) and to fault your inherent nature as being 'not right' for a relationship.

 

I think you just need to find someone who can accept you for you. My brother is married to someone who is not in the least bit tidy and they hardly ever argue. There are plenty of deep/abstract thinkers out there who are in committed relationships.

 

The feelings of hopelessness you're experiencing are normal, but the key is to recognize your self worth and to not let these self-critical thoughts sabotage you when it comes to relationships. Don't let your fear hold you back from finding true love, which is out there. You must believe it though, like love1336x states above. You have to have faith and think positively.

 

You said yourself you have a lot of lifelong friends. Surely this wouldn't be the case if you were a freak and not worthy of being you. The difference between them and these guys you've been seeing is that they accept you for you and don't judge you to such an extent that your innate characteristics are deal breakers.

 

Don't let your exes discourage you from dating. You DESERVE love just as much as anyone else.

 

Most people I know don't go through an entire revamping before entering a relationship. They just 'are' and they are accepted by their partner as is. You just need to find him. He's out there.

 

I'm not sure you need hypnotherapy as much as just to change your outlook a bit and to have faith that you are right now where you are meant to be and you are capable of being loved and having someone commit to you.

 

The moment you let your fears take precedence, the more they will manifest themselves. You really do need to dig deep within yourself and work to overcome them.

 

Don't be so hard on yourself and think that all is lost, when it's not.

 

Please know your worth!!!!

[ballycastle]

 

Well you won't know until you try, right? If you seal yourself off then you will never get anywhere... This is wrong thinking that "everyone" will abandoned you. Not everyone is the same, thus if you come into that mind thinking then yes, your relationship will fail.

 

Seriously I have tried, the last 12 years tried, and sorry but they all did abandon me. I am not trying to reject everything that is said to me or other posters just trying to respond. It not a mindset. A few years ago I would never have given up. I kept on going in the believe someone would give a ****.

 

But imagine this, you finally meet someone who hounds you for years. You tell him your past, about your anxieties and fears, you finally feel happy and safe to be vulnerable and he allays your fears. He tells you he loves you, wants to have a future with you, you can't believe you are finally together after struggling for years in poverty as a single parent with a child constantly in hospital... then he abandons me, doesn't even end it just slowly fades. I go no contact with the pain of never being able to tell him how i feel or what he did to my self esteem.

 

At what point do I stop blaming myself? I am the common denominator with all these failed relationships, not them. Hence why, like the o.p I cling to a past because the future is more or less wrapped up. I know how it ends. And yes it's a self fulfilling prophecy but now I understand why people just give up living out, their days alone. Never did until last year.

 

I don't want to be like this, but I HAVE TO PROTECT myself.

 

Don't you see that?