How stupid would it be to WAIT for someone?

[Itspointless]

At what point do I stop blaming myself? I am the common denominator with all these failed relationships, not them. Hence why, like the o.p I cling to a past because the future is more or less wrapped up. I know how it ends. And yes it's a self fulfilling prophecy but now I understand why people just give up living out, their days alone. Never did until last year.

 

I don't want to be like this, but I HAVE TO PROTECT myself.

 

Don't you see that?

Blaming yourself as you do is never a good thing.

 

Was it not also Levine and Heller who wrote that perhaps the key is in searching partners who not make us instantly feel like we have met the one written in the stars, as secure people do not bring the fireworks we expect and explain to ourselves as love?

[Ralph79]

I am the common denominator with all these failed relationships, not them.

I really don't mean to patronize you, or hope you don't think I'm being condescending but you are neither responsible for their poor attitude nor the party at fault.

 

Don't get me wrong, you could be. But logic in your case dictates that you can't discard the fact that you have simply made poor choices for a companion that have cost you time and piece of mind. Time that could have been spent with Mr. Right. It doesn't mean that you are the catalyst that ruins your relationships.

 

I know how it ends. And yes it's a self fulfilling prophecy but now I understand why people just give up living out, their days alone. Never did until last year.

If you find your life so miserably lonely, how can someone else simply come in and fix something you are not willing to do yourself. You might even subconsciously prevent yourself from connecting with someone to spare them your misery.

 

It's easy to give up. It's easy to simply say "I know how it ends". It's easy to be sad, miserable and lonely. What's hard is being happy. Nobody on earth is happy by default. Being happy means you work on it day by day, being active, learning new things, embracing connections to others. You force yourself against your will to do these things at first until it becomes a habit. Until it's no longer taxing. You end up looking forward to doing the little things that make you happy out of habit. That is why people that find true inner happiness are so coveted. It's a resource more valuable than looks or money that they bring into a relationship.

 

I know you want to protect yourself from getting hurt. But you don't do that by quitting. That's like curing a disease by killing the patient. Don't let FEAR win. Face it. Embrace your fear so that you may conquer it.

 

Focus on having the right mindset as well.

 

Before you continue reading this post , please watch this 1 minute clip:

 

 

 

You may have probably seen these types of videos before but my point with that is:

 

 

The person you are looking for could be staring at you right in your face everyday, and you might not be aware of it because you are so focused on what you think you don't deserve, that what you DO want and deserve goes unnoticed. That is the real tragedy and what you should really protect yourself from.

[BC1980]

So by NC, this pretty much means that he is pretty much (not to sound dramatic) dead to me. Like I just must move on, thinking and feeling like he is dead? Because that is pretty much the same thing. I will never see him again, never speak with him...all i have will be just memories like those of loved ones that have passed away. I guess I just have a problem with letting people go. idk.

 

All of use have problems letting people go because abandonment is a very real and very primal thing to feel. Abandonment speaks to the very core of all of our fears, and it changes the way we view the world. What is something that many of use fear? Being alone. Not mattering to anyone. Dying alone. Growing old and all of our family/friends have died. All of those things speak to the fear of abandonment. Someone abandoning you messes with your perception of stability, and we all crave stability.

 

Speaking for myself, before my ex abruptly left me, I had never dealt with abandonment. I had never dealt with anything similar, had never had someone close to me me die suddenly. I had lived in a relatively stable world where my primary relationships could be trusted not to leave me. These are deep issues to deal with, but we must all come to terms with them at some point in our lives. We may not like it, but the reality is that people come and go. Some leave through death, some through choice.

 

When you cling to an ex who clearly does not want to be with you, I think a lot of the motivation to do so is to prove that people are meant to be permanent fixtures in our lives. We don't want to accept the reality that people can choose to come and go as they wish, and it's all a gamble.

[ballycastle]

I really don't mean to patronize you,

 

If you find your life so miserably lonely, how can someone else simply come in and fix something you are not willing to do yourself. You might even subconsciously prevent yourself from connecting with someone to spare them your misery.

 

It's easy to give up. It's easy to simply say "I know how it ends". It's easy to be sad, miserable and lonely. What's hard is being happy. Nobody on earth is happy by default. Being happy means you work on it day by day, being active, learning new things, embracing connections to others.

 

I know you want to protect yourself from getting hurt. But you don't do that by quitting.

Focus on having the right mindset as well.

 

Before you continue reading this post , please watch this 1 minute clip:

 

 

 

You may have probably seen these types of videos before but my point with that is:

 

 

The person you are looking for could be staring at you right in your face everyday, and you might not be aware of it because you are so focused on what you think you don't deserve, that what you DO want and deserve goes unnoticed. That is the real tragedy and what you should really protect yourself from.

 

 

Thanks I didn't think you were patronising at all.

 

 

I think people who spend time with me would be alarmed at my posts because I am the 'happy clown' the 'life and soul of the party.' I project fun and love. I have a lot of friends because I am fun to be around. I am just showing you the sad, the vulnerable part of me. You wouldn't think I was miserable in a social setting, in fact far from it.

 

 

What I am trying to convey is my vulnerability, not being able to deal with my thoughts, hence this site. I do things that make me happy all the time, but I still feel empty inside. And I really don't know (despite posting on here) how to fill that hole. Is it time??

 

 

Thanks for the clip. Oh and the person I might be looking for isn't staring me in the face as I am the only person single in my circle of people I know! When you get older chances to meet a single person without baggage who is NORMAL and WILLING TO COMMIT diminishes utterly. There are are hundreds of articles/blogs from middle aged people like me that choose to go single forever because the men they meet don't want to work on changing themselves either.

 

 

That IS a fact.

 

 

I know what I WANT. It is someone who loves me for me. But sadly once again I do not believe that person to be in existence.

 

 

Not everyone is supposed to be with someone, just like not everyone is a millionaire/has babies/a mortgage/a car etc. Relationships are no different.

[Ralph79]

Well, like you posted earlier, I'm not trying to prove you wrong or just throwing a counterargument for the sake of saying I'm right or you're wrong.

 

I completely get how you feel. And it is possible that you might not find the person you want the rest of your life. But beyond the point of this discussion I want to point out things that you might be able to improve upon for self-motivation's sake.

 

I have a lot of friends because I am fun to be around. I am just showing you the sad, the vulnerable part of me. You wouldn't think I was miserable in a social setting, in fact far from it.

 

You are miserable inside. You should be yourself. Let your friends and family know how you truly feel inside. It's not about pretending to be happy, it's about finding happiness within. And that will be impossible to do if you always suppress those empty feelings without addressing them with the aid of those closest to you.

 

May I ask what do you mean by this:

 

I do things that make me happy all the time

 

For the sake of being helpful, I would like to know what those things that you do are.

 

In regards to the clip,

 

the person I might be looking for isn't staring me in the face as I am the only person single in my circle of people I know!

I didn't mean that literally. But that is my fault for not expressing my sentiments more clearly. I meant that the answer to finding the person you seek might be starting you right in your face, but you might not be able to see it, because you are focused on the wrong things.

 

I don't think it's as impossible for you to find a loving partner as you believe. And if it really means that much to you, then do everything in your power to find that person. Make it your life's goal if necessary. Fact or not, I cannot bring myself to believe that there isn't a worthwhile man out there, who has lost his wife to either betrayal or tragedy who could be willing to commit to someone new down the line. Yes it's going to be slim pickings because of the nature of life, but that shouldn't deter you from trying again.

 

I personally used to believe I was meant to be alone. But I was happy before I met my ex-wife. I had never dated. Never lovingly held someone's hand. Never kissed someone at age 30. But alas, I met her in the most unconventional and miraculous way possible and I KNEW she was the one.

 

Well it turns out that she wasn't. And it would be so easy to go back being a hermit and to believe that miracles don't happen twice. But finding someone doesn't have to be a miracle. I realized that. I will improve my chances of finding someone again by putting myself in the position to succeed in regards to this goal.

 

I don't date. I don't want to. Not yet. I've met a woman at my job after my divorce that lifted my spirits up. Made me want to be in shape. A woman that brightened my day. She quit and I never really made any advances. She had red flags all over. But it made me realize that the sudden inspiration she provided, needs to exist within myself, without any outside help. I refuse to date until I can brighten my own day. Until I can motivate myself to make improvements for my own sake. Otherwise I feel I risk getting overly attached to someone in an unhealthy way again.

 

Anyways I think I got completely sidetracked there at the end.

 

I hope you find inner peace and happiness soon.

[ballycastle]

I completely get how you feel. And it is possible that you might not find the person you want the rest of your life.

 

 

You are miserable inside. You should be yourself. Let your friends and family know how you truly feel inside.

 

 

 

I don't think it's as impossible for you to find a loving partner as you believe. And if it really means that much to you, then do everything in your power to find that person. Make it your life's goal if necessary. Fact or not, I cannot bring myself to believe that there isn't a worthwhile man out there, who has lost his wife to either betrayal or tragedy who could be willing to commit to someone new down the line. Yes it's going to be slim pickings because of the nature of life, but that shouldn't deter you from trying again.

 

I personally used to believe I was meant to be alone.

 

I don't date. I don't want to. .

 

Anyways I think I got completely sidetracked there at the end.

 

I hope you find inner peace and happiness soon.

 

 

Hello, I would multi-quote, but when I press the ""/multi-quote button nothing happens so had to put into one. If anyone knows how to multi-quote I would be grateful to know how.

 

 

First - I am grateful you get how I feel. You say you aren't dating at the moment. This is how I feel too, I just can't despite wanting to until I rid myself of the fear.

 

 

You also asked what makes me happy:

 

 

- Music (I have an infinite collection and an eclectic taste and ear for sound)

- Writing (I am a writer, I have won competitions, I have a Masters and have written 3 novels. The written word is my art form and creative expression so I write a lot

-Seeing my child grow and develop into their own being

-Spring/new leaves/daffodils/

- Breaking Bad

-Theatre productions

-Fringe festivals

-reading

- being amongst friends I trust

 

 

 

 

There are many more. I do have happy moments, but I am not happy at the moment. Not deep inside. I am better with someone. But that's meant to make me co-dependent. I am not, just my personality makes me thrive with another. Someone to bounce ideas off. The last 2 years, I was illegally made redundant, started a new job where I was bullied by my staff team, so it has been a really stressful and emotional year. Just having someone to talk to at night would have helped. It was and has been very lonely.

 

 

I had a close girlfriend last year that I told about my true feelings and was shocked that she told me 'I revert to the negative.' That may be the case, but I expected her to show more empathy (like you are doing) so it made me paranoid to express myself to my close set of friends. So I stopped doing it and now they only see the superficial side of me.

 

 

And I really want to believe there is that man out there who has lost his partner through a betrayal and wants a life with me, but do you know what? I can't be dragged down anymore thinking they exist. That's your projection, surely? I have to find my own happy and that can't be through a relationship, particularly as it's obvious I am not mentally ready to be in one despite desperately wanting to.

 

 

But thank you so much for sharing your thoughts with me. Maybe some day I will hopefully move on to a more positive space. I am essentially heartbroken from years and years of heartache and I have to be the one to fix that. Not trying to find someone out there to help me find me. That's where I am going wrong.

 

 

I am again trying for therapy and trying to live without craving for the 'one' who essentially is the replacement of my parents who never expressed any love for me. At 47 I need to make peace with that first and try to like myself before I leave this earth for good.

[Ralph79]

Hello, I would multi-quote, but when I press the ""/multi-quote button nothing happens so had to put into one. If anyone knows how to multi-quote I would be grateful to know how.

 

I don't know how to do it with the Multi-quote button. I just copy and paste the

& [\quote] things as many times I need and then paste text in between.

 

In regards to what makes you happy:

 

- Music (I have an infinite collection and an eclectic taste and ear for sound)

- Writing (I am a writer, I have won competitions, I have a Masters and have written 3 novels. The written word is my art form and creative expression so I write a lot

-Seeing my child grow and develop into their own being

-Spring/new leaves/daffodils/

- Breaking Bad

-Theatre productions

-Fringe festivals

-reading

- being amongst friends I trust

 

Other than your Writing passion, I would consider the rest rewards. Nothing you could really reap the benefits from. I hope you can understand what I mean.

 

Making a poor analogy: While I'll enjoy eating a Chocolate Cake, I won't be happy with the aftereffects of eating it.

 

Not everything we enjoy is a happiness-inducing habit. But when happiness-inducing habits become our habits, we enjoy doing them.

 

I'll give you an example of what I would consider happiness-inducing habits:

 

- Getting up at 5:30am and going for a walk for the sole purpose of enjoying the dawn of a new day and taking it all in.

- Going to the Grocery store everyday and picking fresh produce to cook myself at least 1 thoroughly prepared meal that's is both healthy and delicious.

- Reading a self-help book. Or books that help me master a skill that will complement something I do in everyday life.

- Exercising, eating right and staying in shape. Setting a goal to get to, or maintain a desired wardrobe size.

- Meeting NEW people. Learning from experience they share with us and give back to them by sharing our own.

 

You see a lot of the things I listed are considered "uncomfortable" or effort-requiring activities by most people. They are things we must seek out and do. They won't come our way, nor can we benefit from them simply sitting on our couch. But the rewards from doing them will enrich your life. And when these become habit... when you look forward to doing them, you will in essence be a happy individual. I'm not guaranteeing that this is a fool-proof way to feel whole, but it's a start.

 

I had a close girlfriend last year that I told about my true feelings and was shocked that she told me 'I revert to the negative.'

Find a better friend. A TRUE good friend doesn't react like that.

 

And I really want to believe there is that man out there who has lost his partner through a betrayal and wants a life with me, but do you know what? I can't be dragged down anymore thinking they exist. That's your projection, surely? I have to find my own happy and that can't be through a relationship, particularly as it's obvious I am not mentally ready to be in one despite desperately wanting to.

 

I fully respect and support this decision of yours. Just don't equate not being ready for a relationship to sentencing yourself to lifetime solitude due to the right person not existing.

 

I go back to my video link I shared. I meant it as a representation of your situation. And you proved my point. You immediately replied explaining the physical limitations of not being able to find someone suitable. That's what you got from the video and my message. Others would've understood my original intent. You see what you want to see.

 

I'm not trying to convince you to seek a relationship. I'm merely suggesting ideas that might help you live a happier life. With or without a partner.

[ballycastle]

I don't know how to do it with the Multi-quote button. I just copy and paste the

& [\quote] things as many times I need and then paste text in between.

 

In regards to what makes you happy:

 

 

 

Other than your Writing passion, I would consider the rest rewards. Nothing you could really reap the benefits from. I hope you can understand what I mean.

 

Making a poor analogy: While I'll enjoy eating a Chocolate Cake, I won't be happy with the aftereffects of eating it.

 

Not everything we enjoy is a happiness-inducing habit. But when happiness-inducing habits become our habits, we enjoy doing them.

 

I'll give you an example of what I would consider happiness-inducing habits:

 

- Getting up at 5:30am and going for a walk for the sole purpose of enjoying the dawn of a new day and taking it all in.

- Going to the Grocery store everyday and picking fresh produce to cook myself at least 1 thoroughly prepared meal that's is both healthy and delicious.

- Reading a self-help book. Or books that help me master a skill that will complement something I do in everyday life.

- Exercising, eating right and staying in shape. Setting a goal to get to, or maintain a desired wardrobe size.

- Meeting NEW people. Learning from experience they share with us and give back to them by sharing our own.

 

You see a lot of the things I listed are considered "uncomfortable" or effort-requiring activities by most people. They are things we must seek out and do. They won't come our way, nor can we benefit from them simply sitting on our couch. But the rewards from doing them will enrich your life. And when these become habit... when you look forward to doing them, you will in essence be a happy individual. I'm not guaranteeing that this is a fool-proof way to feel whole, but it's a start.

 

 

Find a better friend. A TRUE good friend doesn't react like that.

 

 

 

I fully respect and support this decision of yours. Just don't equate not being ready for a relationship to sentencing yourself to lifetime solitude due to the right person not existing.

 

I go back to my video link I shared. I meant it as a representation of your situation. And you proved my point. You immediately replied explaining the physical limitations of not being able to find someone suitable. That's what you got from the video and my message. Others would've understood my original intent. You see what you want to see.

 

I'm not trying to convince you to seek a relationship. I'm merely suggesting ideas that might help you live a happier life. With or without a partner.

Hi Ralph79 I'll PM you, thanks!

[love1336x]

Seriously I have tried, the last 12 years tried, and sorry but they all did abandon me. I am not trying to reject everything that is said to me or other posters just trying to respond. It not a mindset. A few years ago I would never have given up. I kept on going in the believe someone would give a ****.

 

But imagine this, you finally meet someone who hounds you for years. You tell him your past, about your anxieties and fears, you finally feel happy and safe to be vulnerable and he allays your fears. He tells you he loves you, wants to have a future with you, you can't believe you are finally together after struggling for years in poverty as a single parent with a child constantly in hospital... then he abandons me,

 

 

Oh course I accepted that with ONE man, and ONE man ONLY. But, for me he cheated. He answered everything you wrote up there... everything and even to a greater extent.

But he was playing a little sour and strange to me, so my nosey busy little bee self started to poke and prod and try to find answers... The answers were in his phone...

 

He wrote to his ally, "Ugh, feel so guilty what I am acting to her..."

 

I confronted him pretending I knew more, and he pronounced it... "I didn't intend to sleep with her..." Though words linger in my head still this day because that is the precise moment when my heart shatter into million pieces. That young lady who had loved & trusted him with her soul... died, and it was thus very irritating... for any one else who ever tried to get close to me, who even tries to love me in fact because I cannot be that same girl who can trust and believed that people aren't capable of inflicting the same pain he did.

 

I always end up blaming myself. I recalled, why couldn't I forgive him if I really loved him? Why did I push him away? Perhaps it was my fault the fact he slept with her? All these self-doubt questions.

I carried on for three long, long years hoping he would love me the same direction he got along, it never happened... My point being is... letting go is best... making yourself feel sh*tty for past mistakes is so wrong... You'll never find happiness if you hold on to the past like a security cover.

 

 

At what point do I stop blaming myself? I am the common denominator with all these failed relationships, not them.

 

 

Allow me call for you this... Are you in a relationship with yourself? Because it takes TWO for a relationship to WORK, for you to frame yourself as common denominator is sad. We do not LIVE in a pure universe where if you just believed love will mend a relationship... No. It doesn't hold that way darling, people CHANGE, people GROW up, people show REAL themselves, when you're in a relationship with a person, no matter how long you two been friends, it takes about TWO full years to truly find out if you really love or hate this person, the true ins and outs.