Wife's Ex Visiting

[Davey L]

A little while ago my wife's ex husband came to this country for a short visit to see his daughter (who, by the way is an independent adult now, nearly 30). Well, it was suggested he might come and stay with us for a few days. I was OK with this, although in the event it didn't happen.

 

I mentioned his possible visit to a friend and she was horrified at the idea, like, no way can you allow him to be in your house when you are out. Until then I hadn't really been concerned.

 

Although nothing came of it, he didn't visit, the situation is likely to arise again in the future.

 

I have found the best way of handling my wife is to give an instant and clear decision when she brings a difficult subject up. As I'm by nature a bit indecisive I achieve this by deciding on my answer in advance, before the question is asked, if that makes any sense, otherwise she senses a weakness and uses that to her advantage.

 

So do you have any thoughts on spouses' ex's coming to stay? I guess I was OK with it as I don't perceive any threat from him (there are other men I would definitely NOT be happy with having in the house at all under any circumstances). He's also much older than me, 20 to 30years older, although I'm not sure if that's a factor in my thinking. I also quite like the guy and in the past have actually gone out for beers with him. We're not close friends, that would obviously be impossible, but he's OK.

 

Would you be ok with this situation?

[Friskyone4u]

You tell your wife he stays in a hotel and she spends no time with him alone without the kids and his visiting is done at your house WITH you there. If you accept her going out to dinner or socially with him you are asking for a boatload of trouble. And you should not be compromising this with your wife.

This forum is rampant with spouses having an affair with ex spouses or partners. The next step she'll be wanting to take them to see him where he is without you around.

Stop this in its tracks

[MJJean]

If he can afford to fly to another country for a visit he can afford a hotel stay.

 

The child they share is an adult now. There is no reason your wife needs to be involved in this visit, should it come to pass, in any way whatsoever.

[Raena]

I agree with the others, even if you get along ok with him, it would be best for all involved if he just stayed somewhere else while he visits.

[Got it]

I am neutral on it. I think it really depends on the individuals involved but I don't have a major aversion to the idea.

[Davey L]

Thanks all. Although my initial reaction was quite relaxed about it, I think it would be best if he didn't stay. Like I said the previously proposed visit didn't happen and I suspect he may have been uncomfortable with it too.

 

Even though I didn't perceive a threat doesn't mean there isn't one. I can see a scenario wher he comes first time for a couple of days, all is OK so next time it's a week, then a couple of weeks and my wife starts getting close with him again while I'm at work. So probably best to say no from the outset, it will be harder down the line after a one or two visits.

 

Thanks again, happy now to have pre-decided my answer before the question comes up again.

[CrystalShine2011]

I would be relaxed about it, but no real reason for him to stay with you guys, now or in the future. I think the hotel idea is a better route...

[Spectre]

A little while ago my wife's ex husband came to this country for a short visit to see his daughter (who, by the way is an independent adult now, nearly 30). Well, it was suggested he might come and stay with us for a few days. I was OK with this, although in the event it didn't happen.

 

I mentioned his possible visit to a friend and she was horrified at the idea, like, no way can you allow him to be in your house when you are out. Until then I hadn't really been concerned.

 

Although nothing came of it, he didn't visit, the situation is likely to arise again in the future.

 

I have found the best way of handling my wife is to give an instant and clear decision when she brings a difficult subject up. As I'm by nature a bit indecisive I achieve this by deciding on my answer in advance, before the question is asked, if that makes any sense, otherwise she senses a weakness and uses that to her advantage.

 

So do you have any thoughts on spouses' ex's coming to stay? I guess I was OK with it as I don't perceive any threat from him (there are other men I would definitely NOT be happy with having in the house at all under any circumstances). He's also much older than me, 20 to 30years older, although I'm not sure if that's a factor in my thinking. I also quite like the guy and in the past have actually gone out for beers with him. We're not close friends, that would obviously be impossible, but he's OK.

 

Would you be ok with this situation?

 

Wait your wife suggested that her ex husband should stay with you for a few days? Umm yeah, no, that is kind of messed up. It's not about you seeing him as a threat..it's about, who the hell does that? I can't even imagine any scenario where your wife's ex would have to stay with you. Especially since it's not like you are dealing with young children here. If the guy is here to visit his adult daughter, have him stay with her..or in a hotel. The fact that your wife even brought up him staying over as an option would alarm me.

[Davey L]

Wait your wife suggested that her ex husband should stay with you for a few days? Umm yeah, no, that is kind of messed up. It's not about you seeing him as a threat..it's about, who the hell does that? I can't even imagine any scenario where your wife's ex would have to stay with you. Especially since it's not like you are dealing with young children here. If the guy is here to visit his adult daughter, have him stay with her..or in a hotel. The fact that your wife even brought up him staying over as an option would alarm me.

 

To be fair, after she brought the subject up she quickly back-pedalled and said that maybe it would be kind of awkward. As I say it didn't happen - he stayed with daughter - but it's been on my mind since that this is going to come up again and I wanted a clear position in my mind in case it did come up again.

 

I honestly don't feel like my wife has interest in starting anything with him after more than 20 years. But I've come to the conclusion that it would be best not risk anything being rekindled if they are together all day while I'm at work.

[Got it]

Thanks all. Although my initial reaction was quite relaxed about it, I think it would be best if he didn't stay. Like I said the previously proposed visit didn't happen and I suspect he may have been uncomfortable with it too.

 

Even though I didn't perceive a threat doesn't mean there isn't one. I can see a scenario wher he comes first time for a couple of days, all is OK so next time it's a week, then a couple of weeks and my wife starts getting close with him again while I'm at work. So probably best to say no from the outset, it will be harder down the line after a one or two visits.

 

Thanks again, happy now to have pre-decided my answer before the question comes up again.

 

Listen, if they reconnect, etc. and she chooses to cheat whether he stayed there, at a hotel, etc. you can't prevent it from happening. This will be her actions to own and her commitments to keep or break. And I don't agree you can't renegotiate the terms of the arrangement at any point down the road. Why not? That is something that can be stated clearly upfront. So let's say you don't allow him this time, see how things go, realize that there is nothing there, good for the child, allow it next time or vice versa. Either you and your wife are a team and work in partnership as a team or not.

 

So I really think if people assume that just keeping people under one roof together or not is the deal breaker on cheating, one they are grossly underestimate the lengths one will go to and two, they are thinking very poorly of a spouse that has not shown any reason to be suspected.

 

I don't care either way, I do think that he needs one on one time with the child and that really should be the focus, since they are divorced, but the idea that she is going to cheat just because he is in front of her again is insulting or says a lot about the marriage. How do people know that it won't make it evidently clear how happy she is that she did divorce him and marry you? May make you look really good?

 

I hope the child has a very good visit with their father and allow some bonding time for them.

[sandylee1]

Listen, if they reconnect, etc. and she chooses to cheat whether he stayed there, at a hotel, etc. you can't prevent it from happening. This will be her actions to own and her commitments to keep or break. And I don't agree you can't renegotiate the terms of the arrangement at any point down the road. Why not? That is something that can be stated clearly upfront. So let's say you don't allow him this time, see how things go, realize that there is nothing there, good for the child, allow it next time or vice versa. Either you and your wife are a team and work in partnership as a team or not.

 

So I really think if people assume that just keeping people under one roof together or not is the deal breaker on cheating, one they are grossly underestimate the lengths one will go to and two, they are thinking very poorly of a spouse that has not shown any reason to be suspected.

 

I don't care either way, I do think that he needs one on one time with the child and that really should be the focus, since they are divorced, but the idea that she is going to cheat just because he is in front of her again is insulting or says a lot about the marriage. How do people know that it won't make it evidently clear how happy she is that she did divorce him and marry you? May make you look really good?

 

I hope the child has a very good visit with their father and allow some bonding time for them.

 

The child is a 30 year old.

[Spectre]

To be fair, after she brought the subject up she quickly back-pedalled and said that maybe it would be kind of awkward. As I say it didn't happen - he stayed with daughter - but it's been on my mind since that this is going to come up again and I wanted a clear position in my mind in case it did come up again.

 

It's just it is a strange thing for her to even mention. If he was coming to see the daughter..you'd think it would of been a given he would stay with her, right? I realize you say she back pedaled, but I'd take issue with the fact she even mentioned it at all. I guess for me I would want to be with someone who would know that was a bad idea right off the bat.

 

I honestly don't feel like my wife has interest in starting anything with him after more than 20 years. But I've come to the conclusion that it would be best not risk anything being rekindled if they are together all day while I'm at work.

 

Okay but wait see here is a red flag you don't even see. If the only thing preventing them from rekindling something is not being allowed to be alone together..isn't that wrong?

 

Listen, if they reconnect, etc. and she chooses to cheat whether he stayed there, at a hotel, etc. you can't prevent it from happening. This will be her actions to own and her commitments to keep or break. And I don't agree you can't renegotiate the terms of the arrangement at any point down the road. Why not? That is something that can be stated clearly upfront. So let's say you don't allow him this time, see how things go, realize that there is nothing there, good for the child, allow it next time or vice versa. Either you and your wife are a team and work in partnership as a team or not.

 

So I really think if people assume that just keeping people under one roof together or not is the deal breaker on cheating, one they are grossly underestimate the lengths one will go to and two, they are thinking very poorly of a spouse that has not shown any reason to be suspected.

 

I don't care either way, I do think that he needs one on one time with the child and that really should be the focus, since they are divorced, but the idea that she is going to cheat just because he is in front of her again is insulting or says a lot about the marriage. How do people know that it won't make it evidently clear how happy she is that she did divorce him and marry you? May make you look really good?

 

I hope the child has a very good visit with their father and allow some bonding time for them.

 

You feel the idea she is going to cheat just by being around him says a lot about the marriage, but you don't seem to feel the wife suggesting her ex husband stay with them when there is no logical reason for him to even do so..says anything?

 

The bigger red flag here is the wife even asking. He came to visit the daughter, who is an adult. Right there, that is all that needs to be said. There is no need for the wife to even mention his living arrangements when here, it shouldn't be her concern, and it should be more then obvious what should be done: he stays with the adult daughter he is coming to see. For some strange reason though, the wife ending up making this odd suggestion that he stay with them. I can't blame the OP for finding that extremely off putting, I feel the same way just reading about it. It is strange and I'm still having trouble wrapping my head around the fact there even needed to be a discussion about where he'd stay. He comes to see the daughter who has a place of her own, logically, if he is not going to stay in a hotel it would make sense for him to stay with the daughter he came to see.

Edited February 14, 2015 by Spectre

[Davey L]

Thanks Spectre.

 

I think the suggestion might have been because she also wanted to see her daughter, so thought it would be nice to have both of them visit together. Daughter lives about 3 hours away.

 

When daughter was growing up he had very little interest in her so it's quite nice that they are rebuilding a relationship and I don't want to discourage that. But since he can stay at daughter's house, and did do last time, I guess it's better that way.

[Got it]

Sorry did not catch the child is an adult!

 

Again, I don't see the asking as a big deal as Davey said she quickly dismissed the idea. She may not have meant anything by it.

 

I just don't assume a past relationship indicates a future one. I could live with my ex husband again and would never find him attractive again. I see him like a brother so any attraction died a long time again. The idea is nauseating.

 

So that is where I am coming from.

 

And yes, since the daugther has a house, staying there makes a lot of sense.

[Spectre]

Again, I don't see the asking as a big deal as Davey said she quickly dismissed the idea. She may not have meant anything by it.

 

This logic makes no sense. If she meant nothing by it why mention it? Furthermore, let us assume she did mean nothing by it. If we were in an episode of Lost In Space, a robot would be screaming "danger Will Robinson!" over and over by now. She "means nothing" by suggesting her ex husband stay with her and her current husband, for no logical reason? How does that even work? There are some things in life that maybe you don't realize how asinine they are until you say them out loud, but this is not one of them.

 

I just don't assume a past relationship indicates a future one. I could live with my ex husband again and would never find him attractive again. I see him like a brother so any attraction died a long time again. The idea is nauseating.

 

So that is where I am coming from.

 

But the problem is this is not about "they had a past, so it means a future one" this is about "this woman asked if her ex husband could stay with them for no logical reason". It's super awesome if you feel you could live with your ex again with no issues, but please don't ever take that to mean any guy in his right mind would be okay being in a relationship with you whilst you did that.

 

But you say you could do it with no problems and that is where you are coming from. Did you do strange highly suspicious things like ask a current husband if he'd be okay with your ex husband staying with you for no reason? When said ex had other options that made infinitely more sense? If you did that, your "guy is like a bro to me" would not make any sense. I also hate to say this, but it always bugs me to see people talking about how someone is like a "brother" or "sister" to them when they have f*cked this person in the past. It just seems odd. I could never ever see a woman I've had sex with as a sister, no matter how much time passed after we stopped having sex.

 

In other words, what I am saying is even if you knew 100% you could do it without any problems, there is a bigger problem at work if you are not aware it's still something you shouldn't be asking of your current husband. If that is not common sense to a person who is married, it scares me a lot. Not in the sense of "I am scared because they are dangerous" but more "I'd be terrified to give my heart to someone so utterly out of touch with reality".

Edited February 15, 2015 by Spectre

[Raena]

Given that the child in question here is an adult, I find it strange for the ex to be asking to stay at your house OP. Maybe he and your wife are just good friends at this point, but they still should respect what YOU feel comfortable with too. It's one thing to all go out to dinner together and be friendly, or even have him over for dinner, but to let him sleep at your house... meh, I probably wouldn't let that happen.