She says shes not looking but if the right one comes along?

[tariqblaze]

What in the world does this mean? How could a serious relationship come along if youre not looking for it?

 

Some of the common terms used would be Not looking for a relationship which is pretty clear...But others will say they arent "looking" but would like to be one if "the right one comes along". Its pretty vague but it does give the idea of the possibility for a relationship to spark if you play your cards right...Butthat possibility seems much less reliable then if someone was already looking for a relationship or wanted one and not just that the idea was "cool".

 

Then you have the ones who claim they only want to be friends first or short term dating and then build a relationship upon friendship. I would consider this less reliable as well because dating a person is part of that friendship...Why are we switching up terms here...

 

 

 

What are your opinions? Do you think these people should be courted or pursed in the hope that maybe they will change their mind once they find the right one...and maybe you could be that right one? Or is it better to just leave these types alone and only pursue people who are actively pursing a serious relationship and make their intents known that they are seeking one?

[kendahke]

You should always ascertain whether or not you can stand to be in their company first instead of going in with an agenda towards a relationship being your end goal. Many times, that's easier to divine if you're not trying to make making them your girlfriend your #1 goal.

 

It's really easy to become sexually attracted to the wrong person.

[No Limit]

She's open for a relationship but doesn't want to actively search for the right partner.

[tariqblaze]

You should always ascertain whether or not you can stand to be in their company first instead of going in with an agenda towards a relationship being your end goal. Many times, that's easier to divine if you're not trying to make making them your girlfriend your #1 goal.

 

It's really easy to become sexually attracted to the wrong person.

Not exactly...Figuring out whether you get along or not comes naturally within the first few dates...Thats the purpose of dating...You figure out whether there is chemistry or not...Sex may not come into play until later on down the line of dating..Much later for many so to act as if sex will hinder your ability to be a grown person and discern if the two of you match is a poor reason..

[tariqblaze]

She's open for a relationship but doesn't want to actively search for the right partner.

That doesnt make sense..

 

Thats like saying im open to make a million dollars but wont look for a job or the opportunity to make that fortune...

 

Why should this type of person who doesnt want to look be pursued or courted?

if they make no effort themselves?

[No Limit]

That doesnt make sense..

 

Thats like saying im open to make a million dollars but wont look for a job or the opportunity to make that fortune...

 

Why should this type of person who doesnt want to look be pursued or courted?

if they make no effort themselves?

 

That millionaire thing isn't a good comparison. At all.

What "effort"? In dating you look and attract someone with your appearance and then get talking. If you're actively searching you may have to make more effort initiating but that's it. Someone who would be open for a relationship but doesn't want to actively search wouldn't mind if they randomly found their guy in, I don't know, the grocery store? Book stores? Concerts? While waiting for the bus? Wherever he or she goes in life and meets other people.

[Timshel]

That millionaire thing isn't a good comparison. At all.

What "effort"? In dating you look and attract someone with your appearance and then get talking. If you're actively searching you may have to make more effort initiating but that's it. Someone who would be open for a relationship but doesn't want to actively search wouldn't mind if they randomly found their guy in, I don't know, the grocery store? Book stores? Concerts? While waiting for the bus? Wherever he or she goes in life and meets other people.

 

Exactly! ^^ It means when a person is in a place with people they are not looking at or for people to date. If a conversation is struck and it leads to a date which leads to another....so on...then ok. If not, that's ok too.

No OLD, no single's mix or anything that people do to "find" a date/relationship.

It will occur organically or not at all. Either way, it's all good.

[Versacehottie]

That's also the kind of thing some girls say so that you don't feel pressure and therefore are more open to pursuing them

 

Reverse psychology

[ascendotum]

She's open for a relationship but doesn't want to actively search for the right partner.

I would say this too. I think this it also can be a cover for being a bit fussy and wanting the sort of guy that will cause fireworks and she will be swept of their feet with intense desire, but most giuys she comes across don't do it for her, so she plays it cool.

[todreaminblue]

I think not looking for a relationship means not being active in finding one i dont think at all that it means not open to a relationship...but not pinning everything on having "just" a relationship...to me it implies choosing the relationship to be in(not just out there to go on dates) and more a long term thing than just having a relationship for the sake of it.......it is a more relaxed view because to me its more about long term commitment....not a casual thing ... or a ill date as many guys as i have to to find the "one" thing....well it is to me anyway..its waiting and patience and maybe a bit of reverse psychology .......deb

[Omei]

So yeah it does mean she's not trying to seek out the perfect partner but she will enter a relationship if the right guy comes along meaning the relationship fell into place because they just matched naturally, usually friendship happens first with those shes not looking to try to make a relationship happen because she doesn't need one is what I think shes getting at.

[smackie9]

When I hear "I'm not actively looking for a relationship but would like to be one if "the right one comes along". ....." translation: "Don't bother asking me out, you are not the right one."

 

They are making sure you know they are unavailable to you.

 

Or they are not going to waste their time dating a bunch of guys and instead, reserve themselves for someone who sweeps them off their feet.

[Timshel]

I am feeling all of these replies. As a mom and widow, this resonates with me. I have said those words, I feel exactly this way. It's not a put-on or game. It's just being in a different place mentally and emotionally about romance/dating/relationships.

An absence of need and desiring only authenticity and yes, the "real" deal.

I can sincerely say that if it doesn't happen that way, I will die without having it again. That is ok, I can live with that.

[PinkElephants]

I was one of those women. I wasn't interested in dating randoms who asked for my number and was completely satisfied as a single woman.

 

Then I met a guy who would become a great friend, then we started fooling around, then he wanted a commitment and I realized he was everything I could have asked for and more. I wasn't looking for a relationship but it found me in a natural and honest way. There was no putting on your best behavior or any of the other games people play when dating.

 

It sounds like you're smarting from the rejection because you're not the right one and you want to refute her logic so you can make her seem silly and wrong and not a grown person instead of accepting that you weren't what she was looking for.

[thecrucible]

I say that phrase all the time but it's genuinely how I feel. I'm not meaning anything else than what it is when I say it. I sort don't feel the need to have a relationship for the sake of having one and have had long term ones before - so there's not a longing for something I've never felt before. I want to find something authentic where I'm not coming from a place where I need someone to fill a void. I'm not just saying that to make myself feel better. I'm genuinely more focussed and busy with other aspects of my life.

 

 

I'm not easily moved by random male attention. It's not because I think I'm all that (I'm average looking); but because I haven't found a positive mental connection with someone for a long time.

 

 

However I find that point of view really hard to reconcile when I online date because people I meet want a stronger connection, and quicker.

[tariqblaze]

When I hear "I'm not actively looking for a relationship but would like to be one if "the right one comes along". ....." translation: "Don't bother asking me out, you are not the right one."

 

They are making sure you know they are unavailable to you.

 

Or they are not going to waste their time dating a bunch of guys and instead, reserve themselves for someone who sweeps them off their feet.

My sentiments exactly.

 

I once approached this gorgeous girl and she told me she had a boyfriend but that "we could do lunch".

I came to find out exactly what those words meant.

 

We could do lunch was code for "I have a boyfriend but if you outbid my boyfriend, we could change that".

 

Its women like these that watch movies like The Notebook and think that the perfect relationships just find you... Yes those rare incidences do happen. Those cinematic scenes do happen, but they are less likely to happen to the average person. If youre the type that just waits for your fairytale ending, you pass by allot of decent relationships with potential for long lasting love for a relationship that may or may never materialize.

 

Whats meant to be is meant to be...So why sit around waiting for it if you have all you have is a 50/50 chance of it even ever happening in the first place? You increase your odds of it happening when you actively purse.

[thecrucible]

Whats meant to be is meant to be...So why sit around waiting for it if you have all you have is a 50/50 chance of it even ever happening in the first place? You increase your odds of it happening when you actively purse.

 

 

I know what you mean. But when I say that phrase and I'm not sitting on my butt waiting for it. I actively date online (and I'm trying to expand in real life). I don't live in some fantasy world where I'm waiting for the perfect to man to fall into my lap. I don't want a perfect man - I just want there to be mutual attraction, shared life goals, one or two shared interests and personalities which blend well. I just haven't found that yet.

 

 

And personally when I say I'm not really looking but I want it to happen with the right person, I mean that I'm still looking to date but I don't go out looking for a man per se. At the moment, I'm trying to improve my social life and grow my social circle in general - as I find the general approach (which is still proactive) a little less daunting than making 'finding the perfect man' a full on project.

 

 

Of course other people say this for different reasons. Best just to ask them 'what do you mean?'.

[tariqblaze]

That millionaire thing isn't a good comparison. At all.

What "effort"? In dating you look and attract someone with your appearance and then get talking.

Explain why the millionaire comparison isnt a good comparison? You just told me it wasnt but gave no real reason..

 

Its the perfect comparison..Thats why when we find a good match we say "we hit the jackpot" or it was a "good catch"

 

You look for money like you like for a relationship..You seek to attract someone like you seek to attract customers.

 

Someone who would be open for a relationship but doesn't want to actively search wouldn't mind if they randomly found their guy in, I don't know, the grocery store? Book stores? Concerts? While waiting for the bus? Wherever he or she goes in life and meets other people.

How does this differ from finding money? In i dont know...the grocery store? Book stores? Concerts? While waiting for the bus? Please explain the difference..

 

Its exactly the same thing..If you want something you go get it...No I wouldnt mind if I found a customer for my Tie business while im grocery shopping. But if nobody knows im even in the Tie business, I cant randomly find customers in random places.. I have to market and advertise myself. When you are looking for a relationship, you do things to increase your chances of finding that sale. You go to places where there will be more customers, and customers more likely to buy. You have an active game plan that increases your chances of success. That will make your business more appealing to the customers. You also increase your chances of not just finding any ole customer but high roller customers.

 

If your marketability is low, why would anyone want to buy you in the first place? They are going to look for something more appealing to the eye..An easier catch.

[tariqblaze]

I know what you mean. But when I say that phrase and I'm not sitting on my butt waiting for it

Why say something you dont mean? Words do carry allot of weight..All you have from a man is his word...

SO the words you choose means everything..

 

You say you are not looking but then contradict yourself by saying you are looking? This confusion is exactly the type of stuff that makes men like me run to woman less complicated, confusing, and more easier to understand. I want someone that knows what they want and knows how to get it. I want someone on the same page as me, not someone confused or unable to express themselves. That could be a flaw that you seek to improve upon yourself.

 

I actively date online (and I'm trying to expand in real life).

Again if you actively date online than you are looking. Now why would you go and say you are not looking when clearly you are?

 

I just want there to be mutual attraction, shared life goals, one or two shared interests and personalities which blend well. I just haven't found that yet.

Again your words imply you are looking...You just havent found..

 

 

And personally when I say I'm not really looking but I want it to happen with the right person, I mean that I'm still looking to date but I don't go out looking for a man per se. At the moment, I'm trying to improve my social life and grow my social circle in general - as I find the general approach (which is still proactive) a little less daunting than making 'finding the perfect man' a full on project.

Another contradiction here...You are not looking for a man per se...but you are looking to date a man? How do you expect to find this man to date if you dont look for him? You expect him to find you? That means you are not looking but waiting...

 

 

You see how the power of words affect things entirely...Choose your words carefully...it means almost everything when it comes to relationships..

[thecrucible]

Why say something you dont mean? Words do carry allot of weight..All you have from a man is his word...

SO the words you choose means everything..

 

You say you are not looking but then contradict yourself by saying you are looking? This confusion is exactly the type of stuff that makes men like me run to woman less complicated, confusing, and more easier to understand. I want someone that knows what they want and knows how to get it. I want someone on the same page as me, not someone confused or unable to express themselves. That could be a flaw that you seek to improve upon yourself.

 

Again if you actively date online than you are looking. Now why would you go and say you are not looking when clearly you are?

 

Again your words imply you are looking...You just havent found..

 

 

Another contradiction here...You are not looking for a man per se...but you are looking to date a man? How do you expect to find this man to date if you dont look for him? You expect him to find you? That means you are not looking but waiting...

 

 

You see how the power of words affect things entirely...Choose your words carefully...it means almost everything when it comes to relationships..

 

I'd like a relationship but I'm holding back because I am trying to find a job which will allow me to move away from where I'm living now but then I haven't found the job yet. I'm still living here. But at the same time, in the back of my head I don't want a long distance relationship and I'm scared of ending up in a situation with bad timing.

 

 

I don't actually say I am not looking for a man. I tell them I want to fall in love but I want it to be the right guy and I don't want to get into a relationship straight away. I want to get to know them without the pressure of things having to happen quickly. I am looking but haven't made it into a full on project. I don't think about it all the time because trying to find a full time permanent job and to move out of my parents' house is more of a priority right now.

 

 

Thanks for the tip. I perhaps need to full formulate my true feelings before I open my mouth. I should probably only be honest with a guy when my feelings can be properly articulated.

[tariqblaze]

That's also the kind of thing some girls say so that you don't feel pressure and therefore are more open to pursuing them

 

Reverse psychology

 

Thats actually what one girl told me. She told me that she wanted to get married but if she would tell men shes looking for a relationship that would lead to marriage, she would scare men off...so instead she downgraded to just looking for new friends...in hopes that men wouldnt be so scared to pursue her...All she did was invite men who only wanted just that..friendship no committment..

 

When you declare your intentions you get just what you asked for...

 

Games are not what you should be playing if youre looking for a serious relationship right? Thats something you should do if youre looking to play...

 

if you start a relationship off with games, where do you think it would lead to? A relationship full of tricks and games, deception and psychology..Is that the person you can see yourself being with?

 

Serious =/= games...

Edited February 13, 2015 by tariqblaze

[mightycpa]

I think it's pretty healthy actually. That's what happened to me.

 

I was dating this girl for over 3 years. We were going to go to the beach for Labor Day weekend and she had to back out at the last minute. I went by myself.

 

You have to understand. My GF was great. She was nice, fun, educated, kind, self-sufficient, very loving, good looking and she ****ed like a porn star. She also loved me to death. My male pals were jealous and my female pals liked her. Her friends, my friends, everybody thought we'd get married. I honestly didn't think I could do any better. And even though I liked her a lot, a whole lot, I didn't really love her. But still, I wasn't looking for anything to change. I was perfectly happy, and I very well might have married that girl.

 

While at the beach, I met another girl on Sunday night, and we talked for 45 minutes before her friends dragged her out of there. I got her number, and there was something about her that I just couldn't shake. I had this feeling I was supposed to marry her. When I got home, I started dialing. She had a boyfriend, I had a girlfriend, and she thought I'd just create trouble in her life. She wouldn't even take my repeated calls until one day, she did.

 

I asked her out, and she said that I should meet her at an after work happy hour. She figured if she didn't like me, I'd be easy to ditch. I went, she didn't ditch me and we've been together ever since. Both of us broke up with our SO's soon afterwards and we were married within 30 months.

 

I wasn't looking for anything, and the best thing in my life was put in my path, all I had to do was recognize it and make it happen. She told me that when we had met, she had just gotten to the point in her life where she didn't need someone in her life to be happy. We were both at this same point in our lives where meeting somebody new was really not on the radar... open to the idea, but not searching for it.

 

Your female friend might not have anything like that in mind, but that's exactly what it means to me.

 

On LS, on dating websites and in life, you'll find a lot of people who are "looking for a serious relationship" or "looking for a spouse", or "looking for a steady boyfriend/girlfriend" or maybe "not looking to date casually". I've never understood that; it makes no sense to me, because the idea that you can find someone compatible who merely shares the goal of a serious relationship is so unlikely. You have to click really good before that's worth all the effort. Maybe that's what she's talking about, not having a steady boyfriend just for the sake of having a steady boyfriend, but waiting to click really good with someone.

 

Should you pursue someone who seems a little indifferent to the idea of going out with you? It worked for me. I realize it often doesn't, and that's the risk you take. That GF I had before her? She didn't want a boyfriend when I met her either. She was worth the time and effort too. I didn't force the relationship. I only worked hard to get my foot in the door each time. Everything after that evolved very naturally. I think that's the key. You might push your way in, but if you find you're not welcome once you get there, then you know, leave gracefully. I hope that makes sense to you.

 

Her attitude is the one of the most sensible things I've ever read on this forum.

Edited February 13, 2015 by mightycpa

[Toodaloo]

When I say things like that it means that I am happy with life I am happy as I am but if someone great came along then that would be great! If not then thats ok anyway.

[Diezel]

That doesnt make sense..

 

Thats like saying im open to make a million dollars but wont look for a job or the opportunity to make that fortune...

 

Why should this type of person who doesnt want to look be pursued or courted?

if they make no effort themselves?

 

It makes sense. You could win a million dollars via an inheritance, just as well. Were you actively pursuing it? No. But it's the same million dollars.

 

You are confusing lack of effort with active pursuit. They are mutually exclusive. Just because I'm not doing online dating nor am I going out to bars to try to introduce myself to women, it doesn't mean that if I am out with my boys and meet someone just because, I'd present a lack of effort.

 

If the situation presents itself, I'm all in. But I'm not dedicating time and effort in the pursuit.

 

Don't confuse the two.

[the tank]

Run bro... I meet one last year. Life is too short, to date this type of girl.