my boyfriend and a mutual friend are competing over me

[AilakGrl1]

OK, this story is kind of long, but I'm going to try to explain this in the least complicated way possible. First, let me give a quick background to my situation: I am currently in college. Last semester I became friends with a guy (we'll call him "Mike") and then developed feelings for him. Even though I sometimes got the feeling he liked me as well and was just too shy to show it, I never said anything because of fear of rejection or ruining the friendship and nothing ever progressed.

 

A few months ago, I was introduced to a a friend of Mike's, who we'll call "Jay." I got into a conversation with Jay about Mike, and Jay told me that Mike was interested in someone else and that I was wasting my time with him. I decided then to give up my pursuit of Mike, though I still liked him. So Jay and I talked for a while and the night somehow ended with us hooking up (nothing sexual, just a little making out and I stayed over in his room).

 

Now Jay is my boyfriend. About a week or so ago, Jay started making jokes about how he had c***blocked Mike and how funny it was that if Mike had only been willing to make a move he could have had me, but, as Jay put it, "now I've got you and I'm not giving you back." I kind of laughed it off, still for some reason believing that Mike had never really been interested in me and Jay was only kidding. But in the meantime in the back of my mind, I realize that I am still very attracted to Mike.

 

Then last weekend, Jay and I went over to Mike's for a party. Mike was very drunk and not his usual reserved self. He started flirting with me, sitting on my lap, and making comments to me, my boyfriend, and everyone else in the room about how I was his friend first, he was better friends with me than Jay was, and he stared making jokes to Jay about how he was going to steal his girlfriend.

 

Then Mike told me he was jealous of Jay, and that he knew he had his chance, but had blown it. He then proceeded to tell Jay this. This resulted in a sort of joking banter back and forth between them which quickly developed hostile under-tones, Mike clearly angry at Jay for moving in on a girl he liked and Jay getting annoyed at Mike's hitting on me but also seeming to be rubbing it in Mike's face a bit that he got the girl. Overall, the whole night held this atmosphere of the two of them competing for my attention and affection.

 

Also, earlier in the night a few of Mike's suitemates who know me a little and know both Mike and Jay well, but know nothing about my feelings towards Mike, made comments to me that it must be very awkward and not a really good situation that Jay and I are together but still friends with Mike.

 

So now I'm left with the following:

1. I'm pretty sure Mike liked me all along, and Jay lied to me the night we got together

2. I still like Mike, a lot, and I think he may still be interested in me

3. from the beginning I have felt that my relationship with Jay was not going to be long-term, I think now that most of my involvement with him was only a rebound thing, and we don't really have a lot in common

4. Mike and Jay have a large number of mutual friends, most of whom know me, which means any actions on my part will probably have an impact on more than just the 3 of us

 

 

So I am completely at a loss now. I think it's probably time to end things with Jay, but I don't know what, if anything, I should do about what seems to be mutual feelings between Mike and myself.

If anyone has any advice on how to handle this, please let me know. I don't know what to think anymore.

[Pocky]

You should end the relationship with Jay and then just let things flow for a few weeks. See if Mike approaches you about his interest. If he doesn't and you're still interested, approach him. I'd just wait to give him a chance to approach you first - say a 2-3 weeks after you break up with Jay.

[AilakGrl1]

Just wanted to add that I broke things off with Jay tonight. He denies ever knowing that Mike liked me, but given the evidence I'm having a hard time believing him, especially since he thinks I was lying about why I was breaking up with him (which I absolutely was not) which may have made him more inclined to lie to me in return.

 

But I am still very confused about what to do about Mike, even more so now since Jay claims that Mike never gave him any hints that he liked me. If Jay is telling the truth, I suddenly feel very uncertain again about Mike's feelings towards me.

 

Any insight or advice on what to do from here?

[prncssfce9]

I think you should just go with the flow for a while. I can't garuntee that Mike does like you, or doesn't. But even if he does there is no garuntee that he will act on it. Boys are very strange creatures, and very unpredictable. I do suggest that you try not to let this whole situation consume your life.

 

If Mike likes you, you will be able to tell ... just pay attention. But don't expect anything soon ( like the next day or two). Once he hears that you have broken things off with Jay he will likely have to evalauate not only his true feelings for you ... but whether or not his actions spawned the break up. He may actually start to feel guilty.

 

What I suggest is in a few days, maybe a week invite him out for coffee or lunch ... something casual that you would normally do ... then and there tell him how you feel now and how you've felt all along. You have to be honest and direct with boys ... they don't get hints at all which is why Jay may have truly known nothing or Mike's feelings for you.

 

Let me know how it goes ... and good luck

[Devildog]

Yes, Jay knew of Mike's feelings for you. yes, Jay intentionally sabotaged Mike's chances. Jay is now trying to back-peddle because his bragging has gotten him busted. you will be much better off without Jay.

 

Let Mike persue you if he is interested. don't go into it yourself because it will be a drama minefield.

[AilakGrl1]

Thanks to those who gave their advice.

 

I definitely agree that I need to just back away for a little while and wait to see what happens, but in the meantime it's bugging me: Does he like me or am I wasting my time waiting for him?

 

Before, I would see things that made me think that Mike liked me, but then he would seem to shy away and I would think maybe I had it wrong. Even my friends who observed his behavior were confused.

 

Given the events of the past weekend it seems that Mike likes me, but then Jay insisted that Mike didn't and that he actually liked this other girl.

 

We are still friends so I should still be able to hang out with him, but I don't know when (if ever) to bring up the subject of "more than friends." I don't mind waiting for him to approach me but I'd like to know in the meantime if it's worth waiting. How can I tell if he likes me without actually bringing up the subject with him?

 

(PS- A guy's perspective on decoding his behavior would be very helpful.)

 

Thanks!

[TGC]

I guess this is where I come in, the guys perspective, lol.

 

Right, if he is too shy to explain his feelings normally, then what he said when he was drunk was probably true. I don't see any reason he would get aggressive with a good friend of his if he didnt still like you. If he had since got over you, he most probably would have forgiven Jay and they would only joke about it, if it was mentioned at all.

 

Mike does like you. I really liked a girl a while back, but was too shy to take things further. I still really like her now, but she has a boyfriend and she doesnt know how I feel.

 

I agree you should step back for a couple of weeks, and assess the situation. During these two weeks try and speak to Mike a bit more, become closer friends with him, and see how he reacts. The break-up with Jay so soon after the party incident will be very suspect in his mind, he will be wondering if it had anything to do with the break-up.

 

If you show some interest in Mike as a close friend, he will almost certainly take his chance. I know that if I was given the same chance I had with my girl then I would grasp it with both hands.

 

Hope that helps, from a guys perspective.

 

TGC

[ReluctantRomeo]

Originally posted by prncssfce9

Boys are very strange creatures, and very unpredictable.

 

And girls of course, are paragons of logic and stability

 

 

What I suggest is in a few days, maybe a week invite him out for coffee or lunch ... something casual that you would normally do ... then and there tell him how you feel now and how you've felt all along. You have to be honest and direct with boys ... they don't get hints at all which is why Jay may have truly known nothing or Mike's feelings for you.

 

You're too cute, prncssfce! We're not *that* slow. Yes, Jay knew - Devildog is spot on in his reasoning.

 

And yes Ailak, invite him for something casual like coffee or lunch. But don't have a heavy, confess-your-feelings conversation - just have a few casual encounters with him, chat, have fun and let testosterone do the rest. As TGC says, give him several one-on-one opportunities and he *will* make a move.

[TGC]

I could find the "guys dont take hints" comment very offensive.

 

I don't know about other guys, but I tend to take too many things as hints and end up getting the wrong end of the stick. Maybe the ones not taking hints don't want what the hints are suggesting to be true.

 

TGC

[prncssfce9]

please forgive my ignorance of the male mind .... I go by what I learn from my two brothers .... and quite frankly they are BAD with girls. I guess they have skewed my preceptions some

[ReluctantRomeo]

Originally posted by prncssfce9

please forgive my ignorance of the male mind .... I go by what I learn from my two brothers .... and quite frankly they are BAD with girls. I guess they have skewed my preceptions some

 

 

That's ok.... you're too funny prncss

[AilakGrl1]

Thanks everyone for the advice.

 

Originally posted by TGC

I agree you should step back for a couple of weeks, and assess the situation. During these two weeks try and speak to Mike a bit more, become closer friends with him, and see how he reacts.

I think you're right, TGC. That's what I plan to do. Just get back into hanging out with him on a friends basis and give it a little time. Maybe I can try to get him alone a little too and see what happens.

He's just one of those guys who you are never sure what they're actions really mean, he doesn't like to let his guard down. I would like to just approach him, but I'm afraid that might blow up in my face.

 

Originally posted by ReluctantRomeo

As TGC says, give him several one-on-one opportunities and he *will* make a move.

I hope so, maybe I'll just have to get him drunk again, hehe. Just kidding.

Anyway, I'll keep you all posted if anything actually changes.

[myendeavor]

You should get him drunk and THEN see how he acts towards you...I'm sure that would speed up the process when you are ready to get things moving! Shy guys need a woman that isn't afraid to be forward. Haha, good luck!

[Ty]

And girls of course, are paragons of logic and stability

 

had to laugh..

 

 

Give Mike a call or IM and hang out with him just the two of you as friends.. and see if anything develops from there.

[mental_traveller]

Originally posted by myendeavor

You should get him drunk and THEN see how he acts towards you...

 

I agree - the truth comes out when you're drunk!