HopeLessLoner Posted February 13, 2015 Share Posted February 13, 2015 After thinking things out I have decided to approach my ex and ask to try to fix things. Granted we never had any major issues but our last month together she did mention things were a little repetitive between us. I want to make that spark reignite but I don't want to come out to strong, just respectfully ask if she would be willing to give it another try. And yes I am aware there is a major possibility she'll say no but I feel I'll get that closure knowing I tried. I know nc will be in a lot of the answers and trust me I did it for a while. Any ideas on how to approach this besides the don't do it answer? Link to post Share on other sites
CrystalShine2011 Posted February 13, 2015 Share Posted February 13, 2015 I would go for it, try to strike up a friendship again first, and then add the romance back into it. I would space out the times you guys hang out, make sure it feels right on both ends. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Atmosphere77 Posted February 14, 2015 Share Posted February 14, 2015 I don't know how long you've been broken up but I wouldn't rush it. Ask her out for drinks. Flirt, but I wouldn't bring up getting back together right away. And I wouldn't discuss the old relationship. Keep it positive. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mi7522 Posted February 14, 2015 Share Posted February 14, 2015 After thinking things out I have decided to approach my ex and ask to try to fix things. Granted we never had any major issues but our last month together she did mention things were a little repetitive between us. I want to make that spark reignite but I don't want to come out to strong, just respectfully ask if she would be willing to give it another try. And yes I am aware there is a major possibility she'll say no but I feel I'll get that closure knowing I tried. I know nc will be in a lot of the answers and trust me I did it for a while. Any ideas on how to approach this besides the don't do it answer? Nope, the only way you can make it work is if she wants to. Doesn't sound like she does right now so your best bet is to leave her alone. Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted February 14, 2015 Share Posted February 14, 2015 Yeah, this is a bad idea. I know you don't want the correct answer, but sorry, I'm not going to blow sunshine up your butt. Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby65 Posted February 14, 2015 Share Posted February 14, 2015 I agree it's probably not the smartest move but also understand that sometimes you need to get that door slammed in your face one last time before you can face moving on. I think that's likely what's going to happen if you reach out to a dumper for reconciliation -- you get the door slam. Your best bet for getting back together really is to do nothing and see if she eventually changes her mind -- on her own -- while taking steps to recover and move on. But if you do decide to go ahead, please don't make the mistake of trying to reach out under the guise of a false friendship. It's desperate, it's unattractive, it's dishonest -- and it's completely transparent. You can't "friendship" your way back into a relationship, not usually. She'll think you've accepted the demotion to being just friends and it'll only delay your own healing. I've been a dumper who got that "spark" back for the guy I dumped.... and it only happened after many months of complete NC, of dating other guys and experiencing life without him, and eventually realizing he was the one I wanted to be with. I did this on my own -- and if he had contacted me during that NC period it probably would've only weakened him in my eyes and made him less attractive. Good luck, whatever you decide. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author HopeLessLoner Posted February 14, 2015 Author Share Posted February 14, 2015 Shouldn't i be the one to initiate contact since i caused it in a sense? Its only right i try to fix things. Like i mentioned im aware the possibility of her saying no are greater than those of her saying yes. Link to post Share on other sites
towardthefuture Posted February 14, 2015 Share Posted February 14, 2015 Shouldn't i be the one to initiate contact since i caused it in a sense? Its only right i try to fix things. Like i mentioned im aware the possibility of her saying no are greater than those of her saying yes. You probably didn't cause it as much as you think you did. You never know what someone else is thinking or feeling. It's very very common for people who get dumped to completely take on all the blame voluntarily for the first several months. Chasing will lower your value. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby65 Posted February 14, 2015 Share Posted February 14, 2015 Shouldn't i be the one to initiate contact since i caused it in a sense? Its only right i try to fix things. Like i mentioned im aware the possibility of her saying no are greater than those of her saying yes. She's the one who ended the relationship. It's on her to fix things, not you. Your only job right now is to try and recover from the breakup. Contacting her at this point is a mistake; anything you say or do right now is more likely to push her even farther away. Go online and check out the Stages of Grief. Where you are right now is called the Bargaining Stage -- this is where you try to negotiate your way back in. It happens to just about everyone in some form or another as you work towards Acceptance. But it's really in your best interest to resist the impulse to contact her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author HopeLessLoner Posted February 15, 2015 Author Share Posted February 15, 2015 Anything I say or do right now? Is there a right time to try to approach her? Link to post Share on other sites
Mi7522 Posted February 15, 2015 Share Posted February 15, 2015 Anything I say or do right now? Is there a right time to try to approach her? There is nothing you can do or say right now unfortunately, but, there is a right time to approach her and usually that time is when she contacts you to tell you she made the biggest mistake in her life and wants to make things right. Other than that scenario there is no right time to approach your ex Link to post Share on other sites
AnOldshoe Posted February 15, 2015 Share Posted February 15, 2015 You need to watch the videos on getting your ex back, before you completely destroy any chances of getting her back, don't listen to anyone that says contact her after 30 days, she dumped you over some bs reason you deserve better than that!!!! Watching the movie swingers helped me realise how pathetic I was being. Watch this one line anytime you feel the need to contact her. You deserve to be with someone who wants to be with you anything less is disrespectful to yourself Don't give her flowers, call, continue to contact her and you might have a chance of getting her back. Being just friends is not what you want so don't do it. Link to post Share on other sites
AnOldshoe Posted February 15, 2015 Share Posted February 15, 2015 Mike: Okay, so what if I don’t want to give up on her? Rob: You don’t call. Mike: But you said I don’t call if I wanted to give up on her. Rob: Right. Mike: So I don’t call either way? Rob: Right. Mike: So what’s the difference? Rob: There is no difference right now. See, Mike, the only difference between giving up and not giving up is if you take her back when she wants to come back. But you can’t do anything to make her want to come back. In fact, you can only do stuff to make her not want to come back. Mike: So the only difference is if I forget about her or just pretend to forget about her? Rob: Right. Mike: Well that sucks. Rob: Yeah, it sucks. Mike: So it’s just like a retroactive decision, then? I mean I could, like, forget about her and then when she comes back make like I just pretended to forget about her? Rob: Right. Although probably more likely the opposite. Mike: What do you mean? Rob: I mean at first you’re going to pretend to forget about her, you’ll not call her, I don’t know, whatever… but then eventually, you really will forget about her. Mike: Well what if she comes back first? Rob: Mmmm… see, that’s the thing, is somehow they know not to come back until you really forget. Mike: There’s the rub. Rob: There’s the rub. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author HopeLessLoner Posted February 15, 2015 Author Share Posted February 15, 2015 I see where you're coming from but I really would rather move on knowing I tried to make things good between us. Is 4 months too fresh of a break up? Link to post Share on other sites
towardthefuture Posted February 15, 2015 Share Posted February 15, 2015 I see where you're coming from but I really would rather move on knowing I tried to make things good between us. Is 4 months too fresh of a break up? It's not too fresh. You COULD do it if you were really casual, but you shouldnt do it. Think about risk vs reward for a minute. You're gonna put yourseld out there and potentially look pathetic for being unable to move on and potentially face the emotional blow that would come from being ignored or rejected. Let me make a poker analogy. You're planning to go all in with nothing in your hand. Sure, it COULD work out. But ai wouldnt do it Link to post Share on other sites
Author HopeLessLoner Posted February 15, 2015 Author Share Posted February 15, 2015 I'd be willing to take the risk, its like your poker analogy I might be able to play my cards right and make things work or I can play them and just keep things like they are with me losing. But its one of those times where id hate to think what if? Would it be wise to try to talk to her in person rather than a simple text? Link to post Share on other sites
Mi7522 Posted February 16, 2015 Share Posted February 16, 2015 I'd be willing to take the risk, its like your poker analogy I might be able to play my cards right and make things work or I can play them and just keep things like they are with me losing. But its one of those times where id hate to think what if? Would it be wise to try to talk to her in person rather than a simple text? If you think you have to do this then I would start out with a text, that way you're not pressuring her to answer the phone if you call. Text her something simple don't go proclaiming your intention of reigniting the spark. See how she responds and get your clues from that. I would advise that you should really take it slow so you don't get your hopes up and get crushed by coming on too strong Link to post Share on other sites
Author HopeLessLoner Posted February 16, 2015 Author Share Posted February 16, 2015 I might start seeing her from time to time because of work, maybe ill wait till then? Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby65 Posted February 16, 2015 Share Posted February 16, 2015 I might start seeing her from time to time because of work, maybe ill wait till then? I doubt another month or so is going to make any difference in terms of the outcome -- at least, not in terms of how she perceives you. Every day, every week, every month is agony in the beginning for the person who's been dumped.... but for the dumper, time flies by and it takes them much longer than you'd imagine to miss you or have second thoughts (on the occasions they even have them.) But it you're going to spend the next several weeks engaging in an inner battle of should-I-or-shouldn't-I, then you might as well go ahead and contact her. There's no way you can "play your cards right." The only "right" way to play this is to try to move on and not make contact except to respond to her if she initiates contact and is asking to get back together. Any message you send her until then -- any phone call, text, email -- is going to come off as needy and unattractive, no matter how casual you pretend to be. Just the very act of reaching out to her weakens your position and no matter what you say, that's the underlying message she'll be receiving, loud and clear. Running into her at work -- ANY contact she hasn't intentionally initiated with the sole purpose of reconciling-- is more likely to fill you with false hopes than provide any real shot at reconciling. It's been four months so it's natural you still have hopes to reconcile. If you can't move on without making sure once and for all that she's not interested, then I'd say to go ahead and contact her and let her slam that door in your face. Really though, the best thing is to do nothing -- to work on healing from the breakup and getting past the pain. It's natural you still love her and miss her.... but that doesn't mean you're meant to be together or that she's The One for you.... it only means you haven't healed yet and moved on. Good luck with it, whatever you decide. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
xUnknown Posted February 16, 2015 Share Posted February 16, 2015 Hold out man. Don't try to make it work or ask to get back together. She'll see it as a sign of desperation. She'll see that you aren't the strong man she wants you to be, because you caved in and contacted her. Believe me, I was there. I'll quote my (now) ex. We broke up, I went NC from day 1. She drove 3.5 hrs and showed up unannounced to admit she screwed up. She told me the following: "I knew as soon as I hugged you goodbye I was making the wrong choice. When I was walking away I was mad at you for not chasing after me...I wanted you to. But I understand why you didn't. If you chased after me, it would have just pushed me away even more". I told her she was exactly right...and my contacting her would only do just that, push her away. She agreed. She has to realize what she's missing without you. Let her. There is nothing you can do to make her want to come back, other than showing your strong enough to move on with your life without her. She'll realize that. Eventually, she will...you just have to let it go and let it happen on its own. Feel free to message me or look up some of my threads for more info. Link to post Share on other sites
L0nleyDude Posted February 16, 2015 Share Posted February 16, 2015 Hold out man. Don't try to make it work or ask to get back together. She'll see it as a sign of desperation. She'll see that you aren't the strong man she wants you to be, because you caved in and contacted her. Believe me, I was there. I'll quote my (now) ex. We broke up, I went NC from day 1. She drove 3.5 hrs and showed up unannounced to admit she screwed up. She told me the following: I told her she was exactly right...and my contacting her would only do just that, push her away. She agreed. She has to realize what she's missing without you. Let her. There is nothing you can do to make her want to come back, other than showing your strong enough to move on with your life without her. She'll realize that. Eventually, she will...you just have to let it go and let it happen on its own. Feel free to message me or look up some of my threads for more info. How long were you two in NC for before she contacted you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author HopeLessLoner Posted February 17, 2015 Author Share Posted February 17, 2015 Then how is one supposed to show there's been improvement made on ones character if we don't try to contact him/her? Granted like you said nothing i say will make her change her opinion but there is a possibility of showing her i really have tried to work on myself how will I do it without contact? Link to post Share on other sites
Mi7522 Posted February 17, 2015 Share Posted February 17, 2015 (edited) Then how is one supposed to show there's been improvement made on ones character if we don't try to contact him/her? Granted like you said nothing i say will make her change her opinion but there is a possibility of showing her i really have tried to work on myself how will I do it without contact? The only way you can truly let them see how you've changed, is when they want to see it for themselves. You said yourself, nothing you say will change her mind. What you have to start doing, by making these changes you're working at, is to start doing them for yourself not her. That's when she'll notice Edited February 17, 2015 by Mi7522 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author HopeLessLoner Posted February 17, 2015 Author Share Posted February 17, 2015 So if I took her for granted many times theres really nothing I can do to show I've changed? Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby65 Posted February 17, 2015 Share Posted February 17, 2015 So if I took her for granted many times theres really nothing I can do to show I've changed? For whatever reasons, she lost feelings for you and that lead to the breakup. Maybe you were taking her for granted, maybe she got restless or met someone else who sparked her interest.... whatever the reasons, she no longer has those feelings for you and simply reversing the behavior that lead to the loss of feelings doesn't magically bring those feelings back. When they're gone, they're gone. It's an emotional, not a logical, process. Sometimes -- rarely, but it happens -- if you leave someone alone they eventually start to miss you, feel a sense of romantic longing, and decide for themselves they want to be with you again. There's nothing you can do or say that will make this happen, this is entirely their own doing. There IS a way to stop this from happening, and that's to keep after someone, trying to get them back. IF she decides she wants you back, you won't have to do ONE SINGLE THING to make it happen. She'll do all the work. You won't have to *change* into a better person. You won't have to strategize about what to say or do when meeting up with her or sending texts. You won't have to pretend to be casual or act like you've moved on. I know four months probably seems like an eternity to you, but she probably hasn't even had time to miss you yet. Reaching out to her, in any form, is a mistake -- and if you can avoid seeing her for work, I'd recommend you do so. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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