leia1028 Posted February 17, 2015 Share Posted February 17, 2015 After thinking things out I have decided to approach my ex and ask to try to fix things. Granted we never had any major issues but our last month together she did mention things were a little repetitive between us. I want to make that spark reignite but I don't want to come out to strong, just respectfully ask if she would be willing to give it another try. And yes I am aware there is a major possibility she'll say no but I feel I'll get that closure knowing I tried. I know nc will be in a lot of the answers and trust me I did it for a while. Any ideas on how to approach this besides the don't do it answer? I feel like we were in the same boat. I actually know how you're feeling. I'm actually the dumpee. I was in no contact for months. It did give me time to reflect on my life and make myself a better person, and to this day I'm so proud I improved. It did make me understand that NC was a significant part of healing. It gave me a chance to experience life without him. Recently I have been debating on contacting him. I thought to myself that there are risks in life we have to take. And personally, I don't think it's a bad thing if you tried. I tell myself that sometimes we fail in life (get the door slammed on our face) as a part of what leads to our success (moving on). If you were to talk to them, you really do have to prepare yourself for any response or even no response. I really was making sure i expected the worst. I made sure that I'm not putting a huge amount of hope when I talk to them. Side note: As a part of preparing to initiate contact, I wrote a letter to myself giving me encouragement that it's okay if he doesn't reply or replies in a rude way. That I will be able to love again, that i am able to pick myself up and move on. I've gone this far in life without them, if they don't want any part of me back, then I am okay with that. Yesterday I actually initiated contact. I sent a text that wasn't a question, so even if he didn't reply I would be fine. To be honest, after I sent that text I was shaking and nervous. Then i fell asleep because I was tired, and woke up and saw no reply. And because i was prepared for the worst, I was okay with that. Sure i do think about if he'll answer still or not, but I'm proud of myself that i tried. Then I think to myself that yeah, I should be happy I'm not with him and I can refer back to the letter i wrote to myself and see why it's better this way. I'm also very spiritual so I keep in mind God is with me, He will help me up just as He has before, and that He will lead me to the right person. I just wanted to give you my personal experience. So my advice, if you really want to take the risk, be prepared. PLEASE be prepared if you do anything. Think of the positives that come out if contacting them doesn't work out. DONT have hope things would go the way you want. Expect the worst, so you don't get too hurt if things go downhill. Know that you can pick yourself up and move on if things don't turn out well. I wish you the best of luck with whatever your decision is! Link to post Share on other sites
xUnknown Posted February 17, 2015 Share Posted February 17, 2015 How long were you two in NC for before she contacted you? 3 months. She showed up unexpectedly after driving 3.5 hrs. I let her talk and say what she needed to say. I didnt "unload" on her, but I spoke my mind freely, but I did it in a calm manner. How disappointed she gave up without trying, the negative qualities I finally realized about her, red flags I let slip instead of speaking up. I didn't leave things thinking she had a chance A few days later I texted her, giving myself time to let my emotions cool off.. telling her that it took a lot of balls to do what she did. I told her I'd be in contact with her in a month. She said she was surprised to hear from me because she didn't see the meeting as going well and that the ball is in my court. We then had a "first date" late Jan. Official in early July on my b-day. She moved for work (3 months but visited each other every 3 weeks). Broke up early October. In short, she didn't work on herself enough during that time off. Her friend got engaged and she did what she always does - got scared and ran. She has to work on herself more, find herself, find what she wants out of life. You have to let your ex do the same. You contacting her will only show her she is "on top". Even if you've worked on yourself, you're contacting her to prove yourself to her, therefore, doing just the opposite and giving her the impression you're the same as you have always been. Please reread that quote on Page 1 from "Swingers". It's 100% accurate. When we first broke up, my cousin told me to watch that movie. It wasn't until a month ago that I actually saw it and texted him immediately to thank him and wish I had done so sooner. Listen to the people here...we've all experienced or had thoughts of contacting our ex. I was one of them. I wanted to call her, write a letter, flowers, the whole thing. But I didnt...because I trusted their knowledge on the matter. Then how is one supposed to show there's been improvement made on ones character if we don't try to contact him/her? Granted like you said nothing i say will make her change her opinion but there is a possibility of showing her i really have tried to work on myself how will I do it without contact? Link to post Share on other sites
Author HopeLessLoner Posted February 18, 2015 Author Share Posted February 18, 2015 Yeah, unfortunately I guess we're all in different situations and have a different way of moving on, I guess mine will be having the door slammed in my face once more. Im thinking if the occasion arises where I can talk to her at work I'll do it, in a calm manner of course. I know if I would've tried this during the first couple weeks I would've probably let emotions do all the talking but after nc for about two months I think I can talk to her expressing my thoughts in a non emotional way. I really do appreciate all the feedback though. I know im probably reading too much into it but at one point before the break up she showed me a song about not giving up on someone you're going through a tough time with and I'll kinda take that as a sign, even if I know it'll be a no. Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted February 18, 2015 Share Posted February 18, 2015 Yeah, unfortunately I guess we're all in different situations and have a different way of moving on, I guess mine will be having the door slammed in my face once more. Im thinking if the occasion arises where I can talk to her at work I'll do it, in a calm manner of course. I know if I would've tried this during the first couple weeks I would've probably let emotions do all the talking but after nc for about two months I think I can talk to her expressing my thoughts in a non emotional way. I really do appreciate all the feedback though. I know im probably reading too much into it but at one point before the break up she showed me a song about not giving up on someone you're going through a tough time with and I'll kinda take that as a sign, even if I know it'll be a no. If this is really where your mind is at it's really a bad idea to seek her out. That's grasping on to straws big time and operating with a clear agenda. Link to post Share on other sites
Mi7522 Posted February 18, 2015 Share Posted February 18, 2015 So if I took her for granted many times theres really nothing I can do to show I've changed? Right now there is absolutely nothing you can do but work on yourself and be a better person for whom ever walks in to your life, whether it be your ex or a new girl. Learn from this and move forward. She will notice you've changed by doing it for yourself not her. That will make you way more attractive not only to your ex but many others. That's when you choose who you want to be with Link to post Share on other sites
towardthefuture Posted February 18, 2015 Share Posted February 18, 2015 You contacting her will only show her she is "on top". Even if you've worked on yourself, you're contacting her to prove yourself to her, therefore, doing just the opposite and giving her the impression you're the same as you have always been. Read this a few times OP. No matter what the *content* of your contact is, that *action* of contacting her says: I'm not over you, I'm thinking about you, and I desire your approval. None of these will increase your attractiveness level. Don't worry about whether she sees your changes or not. Ex's can sense that ****. Just live your life. Watch the movie Yes Man with Jim Carrey. Do that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author HopeLessLoner Posted February 18, 2015 Author Share Posted February 18, 2015 So it wont matter that I know she won't make the first move even if she wanted since she's to stubborn/proud as am I in the stubborn part(as you can tell). And as far as working on myself I have, i started going to the gym(had never been to one in my life) , started looking for a second job, anything to keep my mind off things and getting back to setting goals for myself. Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby65 Posted February 18, 2015 Share Posted February 18, 2015 So it wont matter that I know she won't make the first move even if she wanted since she's to stubborn/proud as am I in the stubborn part(as you can tell). And as far as working on myself I have, i started going to the gym(had never been to one in my life) , started looking for a second job, anything to keep my mind off things and getting back to setting goals for myself. There's no such thing as an ex who's *too stubborn* to contact someone they realize they want to get back together with. You're grasping for straws and trying to justify contacting someone who DOES NOT want to be in contact with you. How would you know she wants to be in contact? She'd contact you. Why hasn't she contacted you? She doesn't WANT to. It's a hard truth, I know. If you can't wrap your head around it, go ahead and contact her.... and see what DOESN'T happen (her asking to get back together) and what DOES happen (her feeling relief and less guilty because now she thinks you can be FRIENDS.) The road you're on doesn't end well. Many of us have been down it before, used all the same rationalizations, ignored the advice.... Good luck, my friend. Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted February 18, 2015 Share Posted February 18, 2015 So it wont matter that I know she won't make the first move even if she wanted since she's to stubborn/proud as am I in the stubborn part(as you can tell). And as far as working on myself I have, i started going to the gym(had never been to one in my life) , started looking for a second job, anything to keep my mind off things and getting back to setting goals for myself. The mental gymnastics you are doing shows that you aren't nearly as "changed" as you think you are. You can't show her you've changed -- it's up to her to see that on her own time if she chooses. And you contacting her basically saying "look at me, look at me!" is more likely to give off the impression that you haven't changed at all than show her some new side of you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author HopeLessLoner Posted February 19, 2015 Author Share Posted February 19, 2015 So I hear divided opinions on this, some people say NC is the only way you might get your ex back but others say NC is not a way to get your ex back but to move on and that if you really one to try to get him/her back you must make contact at some point? Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted February 19, 2015 Share Posted February 19, 2015 It depends on the situation and circumstances. There is no magic bullet here. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 19, 2015 Share Posted February 19, 2015 NC is a healing tool. Those who say it's a way to get some body back are game players who use silence to manipulate people in the hopes that absence makes the heart grow fonder. In reality it's mean. The only thing that will improve a relationship is working together to fix what ever the problems are. Silence & absence only make those problems fester. Link to post Share on other sites
Author HopeLessLoner Posted February 19, 2015 Author Share Posted February 19, 2015 Is being in NC for a while good though, to reflect on what could've gone wrong and to prepare for any outcome in trying to get a ex back? Link to post Share on other sites
darkbloom Posted February 19, 2015 Share Posted February 19, 2015 It depends on the situation. Something in the relationship was broken if you split up. It's deciding that you both want to fix the problems and that you both want a relationship. After a breakup, emotions are high. NC is a tool to heal yourself and to calm down and get some clarity. If you want to fix it, eventually you'll need to break NC. but you should also be prepared for your partner not wanting to get back together. Link to post Share on other sites
gnick Posted February 19, 2015 Share Posted February 19, 2015 If someone breaks up with you the best thing you can do is give them what you want which is your absence. Anything else Allmost allways pushes them away.depending on the circumstances you should wait atleast a month before trying to contact them. Link to post Share on other sites
Mi7522 Posted February 19, 2015 Share Posted February 19, 2015 Generally speaking one month is not near enough time for both you to clear your heads and think rationally. I would give it at least 3 months before even entertaining the idea of getting in contact with her Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 19, 2015 Share Posted February 19, 2015 This time off stuff never made any sense to me. Unless the other person is literally in my face, in the same room, pestering me, I know my own mind & can recognize problems while still in the relationship. If they are intolerable deal breakers, it's time to end the relationship. If they are picky p.i.t.a. annoyance stuff, I work with the other person to address them. Why do you need to step away for long periods of time to know your own heart & mind? One day I can understand but 3 months? No. There's no relationship worth saving if you need that much time. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
gnick Posted February 19, 2015 Share Posted February 19, 2015 If someone breaks up with you the best thing you can do is give them what you want which is your absence. Anything else Allmost allways pushes them away.depending on the circumstances you should wait atleast a month before trying to contact them. I meant to say give them what they want Link to post Share on other sites
Mi7522 Posted February 19, 2015 Share Posted February 19, 2015 This time off stuff never made any sense to me. Unless the other person is literally in my face, in the same room, pestering me, I know my own mind & can recognize problems while still in the relationship. If they are intolerable deal breakers, it's time to end the relationship. If they are picky p.i.t.a. annoyance stuff, I work with the other person to address them. Why do you need to step away for long periods of time to know your own heart & mind? One day I can understand but 3 months? No. There's no relationship worth saving if you need that much time. The time is generally needed in order for the person to start thinking rationally, if you have had a break up one day is not going to do you any justice with your ex whether your heart or mind believes it or not Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted February 19, 2015 Share Posted February 19, 2015 So I hear divided opinions on this, some people say NC is the only way you might get your ex back but others say NC is not a way to get your ex back but to move on and that if you really one to try to get him/her back you must make contact at some point? You need to provide some background. How long were you seeing each other? Did he tell you he needed some space and why he needed the space, i.e. work stress, family stress, financial, etc? How long have you been apart? Did you have a significant argument? The advice I would give hinges on more specifics regarding the circumstances. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 19, 2015 Share Posted February 19, 2015 The time is generally needed in order for the person to start thinking rationally, if you have had a break up one day is not going to do you any justice with your ex whether your heart or mind believes it or not If you had a break up, it's over. What's there to think about? If I'm the one doing the breaking up I have done all my thinking already. There have been arguments. There have been discussions. There have been attempts to remedy the problem. When all of that failed & I moved on to the last choice: it's over & there is no going back. If the other person broke up with me, I assume they went though a similar process & concluded they were done with me. If they didn't go through that & broke up with me for some silly spur of the moment, rash reason I conclude that they don't know their own mind; they don't know how to fight fairly rather than using the total destruction of the relationship to prove a point or they just aren't that deep -- all of which are unattractive to me as a basis for a meaningful LTR so again, it's over & there is nothing to take a break about. Granted I work differently then a lot of people, but I still maintain that breaks are precursors to break ups & help nothing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author HopeLessLoner Posted February 20, 2015 Author Share Posted February 20, 2015 Work, family, school were mentioned as reasons but no specifics as to what in those categories. We've known each other for about 5 years and about a year relationship. No major arguments. Its going on 4 1\2 month of separation. Link to post Share on other sites
dumbass2 Posted February 20, 2015 Share Posted February 20, 2015 Work, family, school were mentioned as reasons but no specifics as to what in those categories. We've known each other for about 5 years and about a year relationship. No major arguments. Its going on 4 1\2 month of separation. I have found that when someone breaks up with you, you do not get the true reason. You really find that out on your own when you are months away from the relationship and thinking about them and can do some self awareness and see what you need to work on. Again, they will rarely ever tell you the real reason, so no need to wonder about those categories. It's hard to break up with someone. Things can be emotional enough at a break up, so usually the dumper will make up excuses to try and ease the pain. "Im thinking if the occasion arises where I can talk to her at work I'll do it, in a calm manner of course. I know if I would've tried this during the first couple weeks I would've probably let emotions do all the talking but after nc for about two months I think I can talk to her expressing my thoughts in a non emotional way." You mentioned about waiting and then talking to her at work. That is a horrible idea based on where you are at. Look at you, you are emotional. You do not want that crap coming up at work. It's not fair to her and you may end up getting really emotional and putting your job in jeopardy. Do not talk to her at work. Link to post Share on other sites
Mi7522 Posted February 20, 2015 Share Posted February 20, 2015 (edited) If you had a break up, it's over. What's there to think about? If I'm the one doing the breaking up I have done all my thinking already. There have been arguments. There have been discussions. There have been attempts to remedy the problem. When all of that failed & I moved on to the last choice: it's over & there is no going back. If the other person broke up with me, I assume they went though a similar process & concluded they were done with me. If they didn't go through that & broke up with me for some silly spur of the moment, rash reason I conclude that they don't know their own mind; they don't know how to fight fairly rather than using the total destruction of the relationship to prove a point or they just aren't that deep -- all of which are unattractive to me as a basis for a meaningful LTR so again, it's over & there is nothing to take a break about. Granted I work differently then a lot of people, but I still maintain that breaks are precursors to break ups & help nothing. We will agree to disagree then. Maybe you yourself truly think things over before making any type of decision that is somewhat life altering but I'm sure there are plenty of people that just need time to figure out what they want. There are a lot of people that truly need a "break" in order to clear their minds and take in what the relationship is all about, if it is a serious relationship. That normally doesn't take one day to decide. Just my opinion. OP I think you have to step away for some time and really evaluate what this means to you. Then decide your course of action Edited February 20, 2015 by Mi7522 Link to post Share on other sites
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