I can't give up on her!*Need advice*

[Shiro]

Hello,

 

This is my first post here. Anyway, heres my story. I apologize in advance if this info is mostly uneccessary, but I want you to be able to truly understand my situation. I'll try not to make it too long. I'm 23 years old and have generally been a shy person that keeps to himself(although that has been changing). About two years ago I met a girl through the job I had just been hired to work. At that point we would have small conversations here and there. Nothing too personal of course. Then, about 6 months after I started, we discovered we had a few things in common and we started to hang out together. At that point I had some feelings for her but not too much beyond physical attraction.

 

This was the first time since I was a child that I had a girl as a friend. We hung for a few months and did all sorts of great things together. So fast forward a few more months(around Xmas '03) and I finally get the guts to ask to date her. Rejected. Turns out she had feelings for me but she decided she wasn't up for a relationship at that point in her life(although she had had them in the past). According to one friend I had "waited too long" to ask her out. But she made her decission and I was willing to accept it. It wasn't a complete blow off, though, so that kept the hope in my heart alive.

 

We continued to be good, close friends. I also continued to show interest in her as much as she tried to convince me that I was wasting my time and that she really wasn't worth it. My feelings for her grew stronger for her over the first half of 2004, but my love was still one sided. We would get in arguments from time to time and I knew this really bothered her. Then, around August of '04, I quit my job that I had kept for nearly a year and a half to go back to school full time. For the first time in a while, we would see each other several times a week.

 

Some time around this point, I became content with the way things were and supressed my feelings. I realized that I may never be with her, and that for my own sake I should just think of her a friend. Things were great. We still talked and hung out and stuff but things were different in a good way. We did'nt argue or anything. Mid-November of '04 I decided that I had some extra time amid my classes so I decided to take up an offer to return to my old job for the Xmas season. Things were cool.

 

Fast forward to X-mas day. She comes over to my house to spend the day with me. We have a great time. We go up to my room and start to talk about all sorts of things. One thing leads to another and we start making out. I couldn't believe what was happening. She told me that I had matured and that she had wanted me to ask me out for a few months.*doh* So anyway, these were the greatest moments of my life.

 

Despite what had occured, I decided to try and take things slow and hold off on the whole "what am I to you" status talk. We started see each other alot for about a month. I was so happy and she seemed that way as well.

 

 

 

**Still here? Good. Heres where things go bad. Since she was working and was going to school full time that quarter I only got to see her on the weekends. Around the beginning of Febuary this year, she discovered some shocking things that her best girlfriend hadn't shared with her. She called me up in tears(she never cries) and I tried to comfort her. For those next two weeks I only got to see her once. She was really depressed about the thing with her friend so I thought it best to back off and give her some space.

 

Valentines comes and I took her to lunch and bought her gifts and a rose. When we said goodbye, I didn't try to kiss her but she wasn't eager to kiss me. I thought it was just because the thing with her friend was still bothering her. A week later I got a call from her asking to hang out at my place. She was in a great mood. We went up to my room and started chatting for a bit. I tried to kiss her but she pushed me away. "We're just friends" she said, as if the past month never occured. Granted, we had never had the aforemention "status" talk but still I was shocked. i sat her down and asked her what the deal was.

 

Now it must be said that she is religious and I am agnostic. We both always knew this about each other but she never talked much about her religion and didn't even go to church regularly. Anyway, one day in January after my anthropology class I stopped by her work(which I had once again quit for school) to see her. Something was brought up that got me talking about the theory of evolution, which we were covering that day in school. Basically we had a small argument about it due to her religious beliefs. Afterwards, knowing it bothered her, I apologized. I even went over to her house that evening and apologized again. No big deal. Things seemed fine for the two weeks following this. She never said a word about it.

 

Back to the break-up. It seems that this tiny miniscule argument bothered her deeply(he religious beliefs as I found out later, were extremely deep due to some earlier childhood trauma) and that was the main reason she broke up with me. She also told me that some guy in her class had asked her out a week and a half prior(y'know, when I was giving her space) and that she had said yes. She dosen't lie. I know this for a fact so I believed her. After that, I asked her to leave. I was completely devestated. Its ironic that the best month of my life was followed by the worst.

 

That night, i called her to set things straight. We agreed to meet at my house the next day. She told me about why her beliefs were so strong and we made up. I told her that I would continue to be her friend but that my feelings for her would not change.

Then a couple weeks ago I spilled my guts to her and told her that I refuse to give up her and that I will continue to try my best to be good enough for her once more.

 

 

So here I am now. The most important girl in the world to me is off with another guy and I can't stand it. I think about her every day. Shes in all my dreams. I love her more than anyone or anything I ever have.

 

So, I'm asking if you people have any good advice or suggestions for me. Am I a fool for not letting go? Should I continue to try to win back her heart? Is there anything that I should do or not do that might help/hurt the situation? Please respond! I'm begging you for advice!

 

Once again I apologize for the long post.

 

PS: I don't know if this should be in the breaking up forum or not. Please move it if it is.

[beatjunkies]

im going to advise you to do what everyone else will agree on and that is no contact. You have told this girl how you feel now back off.. If you keep begging and trying to pour your heart out it is only going to make things worse and push her away. You have already told her how you feel so there is nothing more you can do.. I know it sucks. I begged and pleaded and did everything you want to do. Called my ex every single day and all it does is actually make it worse, beleive it or not !! Its been 5 months since my ex and I broke up and I was with her for 7 years !! You know how hard that is to just not contact someone you were with that long !!! Its seems almost impossible.. Plus my ex has another b/f. If your girl wants to be with you then she would.. You cannot make her want to be with you or love you.. There is no convincing her or explaining your side to her.. It isn't going to matter to her if SHE doesn't want the relationship. There are days that I feel like contacting my ex and asking her to hang out and tell her how I feel and ask her to come back but I know that it won't work. You're just going to have to get over it and move on, as much as you dont want to hear it.

 

Hope this helps.

[IfiKnewThen]

hi shiro

 

its my opinion that some girls get caught up in having a male best friend safety net/relationship thingy. some feel their female friends can be judgmental and jealous, etc., plus they get a guys take on things, when they have a guy friend. but you already know this, right? she may be genuinely afraid to lose that "friendship thing " with you. but there are some thing i think you can do.

 

you want to be more to her. i get that. is it possible for there to be more? there was some indication already that it "is" possible.(the kissing, the wanting to be asked out by you. etc) however, she probably missed your friendship and apparently felt she couldn't talk to you anymore about what ailed her b/c you were part of what was bothering her. (the religion thing, etc.) i wonder though if she is really bothered by that, or the way the conversation went down and how her feelings might have been hurt. maybe she felt she was no match for you in a debate on the subject etc. and she felt hurt because now you were a b/f not just a friend.. a friend who couldn't "hurt" her as much. i would ask more questions about that matter.

 

in the meantime...

she obviously met someone else too. Whatever the timing...what i am wondering is...

she said she wanted you to ask her out for months. did you officially ask her out at that point? or just kiss? you said she broke off with you? did she break off with you or did she just have space and then end up going with a guy afterwards? was any of this "offical" with you guys?

 

its good to have a agreed understanding from the beginning where you stood with each other. some things are not just "understood." they need a verbal confirmation. did you guys have one?

 

personally i dont think its too late. but then again i am a hopeless romantic. the thing you guys have going for each other is you are both good friends who have/had an attraction to each other.

 

i wouldn't give her up so easily, but i would fight for her with dignity and class. get her to talk more. (females love to talk) dont be pushy about it. tell her you are confused and ask her if there was anything she left out in her story to you because you really want to understand how you could have "done it better". how did it come to the point where you were always there for her and then she felt she couldn't come to you before starting up another relationship? be honest that you are hurt (sensitivity is good) but that you can be strong, if she needs time and a friend more. only do this IF you can handle it, my friend. then from there keep the lines of communication open. tell her she can call you if she needs you. try to have some good memorable shared experiences together. invite her to lunch..keep it light. make her laugh. the more shared experinces (current, the better) i know this is work. but often we do fall in love with out best friends. (even hopefully, and ideally) . let her know you have an open mind. maybe you don't believe in "one religious thing" but the concept of a higher power is not out of the realm of possibility, somewhere in the universe. it just doesn't have to be the way she thinks about it. but that YOU have an open mind to possibilities.

 

honestly, you are still young and so is she. i wouldn't give up. but i would live while i wait and work on it also. live in the sense that i would TRY not to obsess or think about what "they" are doing. live, in the sense not to beat yourself up. "live" in the sense to be proactive and keep in touch and keep the lines of communication open for sure. live, by doing things that keep you interested and happy, in life. this way you wont be a downer when she sees you and you have something to talk about or share with her. tell her he is a lucky guy and that you would trade places with him ANY day of the week. and that the next time she has a problem with you she is safe to voice it immediately and that you will work things out with her.

 

if you try, without being too pushy, but also without disappearing completely, see how it goes. at least you know you tried. i dont think you have to do the no contact thing yet. just be there as a friend again (sighs i know this stinks) but good females can really come to appreciate a good guy. this doesn't make you a jerk. don't become a jerk (i dont think you will : ) just keep active and be the prize he isnt and let her know shes a prize too if she means that much to u. dont put the other guy down or build him up. dont talk about him. let her do that and you JUST LISTEN.

 

i hope i am not being too much of a romantic sap, but i think you still have a decent chance. be strong. be confident. be classy. keep your head. good luck

[Shiro]

IfiKnewThen: Thanks so much for the good advice. After a month of heavy thinking, I've already come to the same conclusions for a few of the things you suggested, but its good hearing them from someone else. I'm trying not too be too clingy, limiting my calls to about 2-3 times a week and visiting her or asking her to do something once or twice a week. Perhaps its still too much, but anyless would be too painful I think. After two years of friendship, I refuse to give up that easily.

 

Thank you once again.

 

BeatJunkies: Thank you as well for your suggestions. I'm gonna try to stay optimistic for now. I truly hope that one day you can be with the woman you love again.

[mixwell]

I think you should limit your calling to less than that ! I have a book on how to get your ex back if you want it.. I think it would give you a lot of insight on your situation !!! Let me know or PM me your email address and i will send it to you.. Its a good book ! There are also other ones I have the I would be glad to mail you.. I would post it on here but you are not allowed to post links other than on this forum..

 

Let me know

[RecordProducer]

I only see here a guy who is in love and a girl who is not in love. Non-returned feelings...it sucks, yeah. But what can you do? It's not like she doesn't know you so she needs to get to know you better and perhaps fall in love. She never acted like she was in love with you. And now she's gotta crush on somebody else. I had a friend who kissed me a few times. I enjoyed the kisses. I was alone, lonely, desperate, unhappy. But he didn't mean to me a lot except as a friend who was there when I needed him. Our relationship status was always 'friends'.

[Shiro]

The only reason I'm calling 2-3 times a week is because I still have nearly two years of friendship with her prior to us even dating. Is this still too much for a good friend who wants to be more? Let me know.

[IfiKnewThen]

shiro

 

how is that working for you? 2 or 3 times a week? how does she respond when u call? what do u guys talk about? do you agrue? does she brush you off? do u get to have a lunch with her once in a while? etc.

 

if its ok...then fine. if you feel resistance, back off and call less. and if you still get resistance back off and call less again and even dont call. just be nice when she calls, and dont talk too long, i dont think. and keep busy and try to get out with someone yourself. will help to break some of the attachment you feel with her. but the main thing is remain a friend..just dont let her walk all over you, but be friends. but i am curious how this approach is working for you?

 

iwishiknewthen

[norcaldivr]

Been there. Done that. Got the teeth marks.

 

Several years back I was in a similar situation and was getting nowhere. Then I broke off contact and went about my life which included finding someone new. A couple of months later she called me and practicly begged me to give it another chance. I am in a similar situation now and just started the NC thing. Guess what happend ? I met a wonderful person. Too early to tell if it will go anywhere but just the possibility has me doubting whether I truly want the person I was trying to get back.

 

I think it is very easy to get stuck in the "lets be friends" trap. The other person begins to see that you will always be around for them and in my case giving their love to someone else. I began to feel used and got sick of it. What happened before and what may happen this time is the person realized that she could no longer take my friendship for granted and that there were many others out there who would appreciate it. And that she will be replaced as the object of my desire. I don't know if it will be successful this time but even if it isn't I *know* she is wondering why her friendly shoulder to cry on who used to call with puppy-like loyalty is no longer calling. And no matter what I feel sooo much better now. I feel the need for her diminshing by the day. I'm a week into NC and will let it go another three but at the rate things are going I may not even want her by then.

 

It's harsh to say but true. Women don't respect a needy man and my behavior was just that. But not now. This attitude not only makes it more likely that there will be a reunion but also helps you heal faster if there isn't.

 

 

This is only my (limited) experience. Any other comments on the NC thing ??