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Need about long-distance relationship


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I live in Istanbul and have been dating a guy living in Rome since October. Since that time, he has made regular trips to come and see me in Turkey. Since the last 4 months, we have also taken 2 major vacations together where we spent over 2 weeks together during each trip.

 

We havent discussed any serious future plans. He shows strong interest to visit me very often and wants to spend the l long summer holiday with me. He has also slipped during many of his conversations that he loves me. While he has told his parents that he is seeing someone, the other night when ı was in the room and he was talking to his mom, he said he was in company of a male friend (the word Amico in Italıan translated to a man friend). I wasnt sure why he woudl have said that. But I didnt mention anything.

 

There are times when i get anxious and stressed about the fact that we are apart and not sure how to handle it. I am also not sure if I should be having a discussion with him regarding where this is all going. He is applying for jobs to France and Belgium at the moment but nothing certain is happening with his work situation. I am also the type of person who moves frequently and would love a change.

 

Yesterda a friend of mine gave me some unwanted advice abot this which I found too heavy: he says that my boyfriend has issues and that if he really cared for me, he wouldnt be wasting money and time to come and visit me. He should be moving for me period! I found his comment a bit too harsh. He also said that it is unnatural for him to be dating someone so far and that why he cannot find someone in his own city?

 

I was very outraged about his insensitive remarks. I am writing all this here because I guess I am seeking some perspective and advice. I am too proud to show my bf any vulnerability and tell him how I feel. He also experesses worry that he is afraid I am surrounded by too many men and that I can leave him. And he tells me he is very loyal. Anyway I am just frustrated and dont know what the next step should be.

 

Thanks for any feedbacks!

Edited by gabaee
typo
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I don't agree with your friend's first remark about moving for you. It is a BIG DEAL to up and move to a whole new country. However, he has a point about dating someone so far away. Why is your b/f putting himself through the torture? Why are you?

 

You say your pride keeps you from exposing your vulnerabilities to your b/f. Well, it's time to be vulnerable. Otherwise, your b/f will have no idea that you're upset right now. And if he isn't very compassionate or understanding, he isn't a good boyfriend, anyway, and you'd be better off finding someone local.

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In a way, your friend is right. Without a definite plan to be together permanently this must end, there is just no other outcome. Why is he applying for jobs even further away from you? Think about that for a moment. And why is he lying to his parents about where he goes when he visits you.

 

While cross-cultural relationships happen all the time they usually happen between people living in the same location. There are good reasons for that. Generally when people are very committed to each other they want to spend a lot of time together, they want to be intimate and they make plans to spend a life together.

 

What particular issues did your friend point out? And what were those observations based on? I know it's hard to hear your friends advice but it really does come from a place of concern for you. They want you to be happy in a relationship you can enjoy normally. Not a vacation romance that happens every now and again, and for which you forgoe the opportunity for finding someone to be with full-time.

 

And now the difficult question, did you or he pay for these holidays which you went on together? When he stays with you who pays for his meals, lodgings and other items? Sorry to ask such personal things, I don't expect an answer they are questions for you to ask yourself.

 

I had a foreign boyfriend as well. He pretty much treated me like a tourism scheme. Moved to my country and then wanted me to drive him around everywhere, every weekend because he wanted to see this, and this and that. He contributed less than half the rent and rarely paid for food, never for utilities. When the relationship was over I realised that he spent a very cheap and enjoyable year travelling in my country with plenty of free sex. Many guys do this.

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I would definitely speak to him about the issue and find out just what is going on. I am a male and am relocating 5500 miles for my love. Long distance relationships NEED communication on all levels if anything is to blossom. You must discover his intentions.

 

I recommend when speaking him to be less than serious. Speak as if you're excited to see where the relationship is going, be enthusiastic, playful even.

 

Good luck

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Thank you both for your thoughts.

 

To expand a bit about he and I, the first time we went on holiday together, he took care of most of the expenses including most of the dinners and 80% of the accomodation cost. During our second holiday recently, we basically split the cost of everything which was for 8 days.

 

He is already showing very strong interest to come to Vancouver (my home town) during summer and spend time there.

 

I do agree that i need to communicate about where things are going, but i always have this anxiety that i may sound too demanding and like a needy woman. Not sure if it is because i am too proud and dont want to show any kind of vulnerability or what?

 

I have this good or bad habit of never letting guys know how much i am into them. And i dont know how to deal with this when it comes to talkin to him about the potential of a future or anything remote to it.

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Also to Buddhist:

 

He actually didnt hide from his parents where he was with me. in fact he was open. He told his mom he was in good company. He told me tonight that his mom is well-aware of that fact that he has someone in Istanbul.

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To recap:

 

  • You now live in Turkey but are originally from Canada
  • You will go back to Canada soon, and he is willing to visit you there.
  • He claimed his parents know that he has someone in Turkey (a girlfriend?)
  • But while on the phone with you, to cut it short with his mom, he said that he was talking to a male friend
  • He currently does not have a job
  • But he was able to travel internationally twice to visit you, and pay for you both (hotels, dinners, planes) for over a month

Is all that true?

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To recap:

 

  • You now live in Turkey but are originally from Canada
  • You will go back to Canada soon, and he is willing to visit you there.
  • He claimed his parents know that he has someone in Turkey (a girlfriend?)
  • But while on the phone with you, to cut it short with his mom, he said that he was talking to a male friend
  • He currently does not have a job
  • But he was able to travel internationally twice to visit you, and pay for you both (hotels, dinners, planes) for over a month

Is all that true?

 

To JUSTWHOIAM:

Everything is true except that he DOES currently have a job in Rome but he is very unhappy with it and wants to move internationally. Also, I am not intending to go back to Canad for good. I am visiting Canada this summer and he wants to be there with me. I am very flexible with moving to any country.

Edited by gabaee
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Ok. It's very simple. To understand how serious he is with you and see if he's just going to be caught up in his own lies, you can bring up visiting him in Rome and meeting his family.

 

If he starts making excuses, telling you it's not the right time, or anyway put up a wall about his private life where he currently lives, then you will have all your answers about his intentions with you.

 

He might still be in good faith, but I think you shouldn't put up with that. And I also believe that before having sex or thinking to be in a relationship with him, you need to go up to the next level in his world. That'd be essential for me, and I hope you think it is for you too.

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