The silver lining to the friend zone

[LookAtThisPOst]

Male friend of mine were discussing the aspects of the "friendzone" and according to him, being the one to find the silver lining in a lot of things is that he feels that said woman who did the friendzoning, could put you in touch with her other single female friends.

 

I was thinking, "Hm, that does sound promising, but in my case...the ones who've friendzoned me so far...most of their friends were married or had long term boyfriends...which was likely the reason she was seeking out other single people in the first place."

 

Basically, by cutting contact with the one who FZ'ed you, would be doing yourself a disservice in this case?

 

BUT he does make a good point? Yes? No? Thoughts on this?

Edited February 13, 2015 by LookAtThisPOst

[Shining One]

Only one of the many, many women who have rejected me and tried to maintain a friendship has directly helped me with other women. It's a hard sell for a woman to set you (someone she rejected) up with a friend. It conveys the message "He wasn't good enough for me, but he might work for you." I don't think it's worth the wasted time and emotion. Any time wasted on a woman who wants you to be her friend after rejection is time not spent on a woman who has potential.

[insert_name]

Reading the title of the thread suddenly brought to mind the potential 'advantage' of being put in contact with the girls friends, perhaps even set up with them and Ive not seen this discussed before.

 

In my experience this doesnt happen, for many reasons. Its quite logical that a girl would covet you as her own once she has friend zoned you, in fact its a sign of just how she feels about you if she is willing to set you up with friends- it shows that she really does not care about you as anything other than an acquaintance so there is not a hint of jealousy at you potentially having a great relationship with a friend. Most of the time they dont want you but they dont want anyone else to have you as you wont be as available to provide emotional support. Its quite logical really.

[Timshel]

I don't understand why being friend zoned is seen as the end of the line. Ok, until the person zoned meets someone else and falls in love, maybe it could be difficult for them?

Maybe I don't understand because I am never the pursuer. I friend zone every guy but I don't use them. We are friends but the line is clear. I'm not wishy-washy or confusing. Surely most other women are also?

I don't understand why this is so brutal for people?

I also wouldn't hesitate to set them up if I knew a person who was better suited for them. It's not meant as an insult. Someone else would be a better match for them.

Am I wrong?

[Toodaloo]

When setting up friends with men when you are single yourself the first thing they ask is why are you not with him?

 

No if its just a compatibility issue I can usually get around that as I will be looking to try to introduce like minded people to each other. So I can say you know how I hate X but you love it well thats the reason why he and I are not together and why I think it would be worth you both meeting to see if you get along.

 

The problem with setting people up (as I have found) is that we all behave differently in romantic situations. A friend of mine recently treated my cousin like poo on her shoe which he REALLY did not deserve and I was to put it bluntly really piddled off about it. She will not be getting any more introductions to any more of the men I consider datable in the future.

 

But yes. Women do this, its good to keep in touch but make it clear once you have been friend zoned that you are still looking and that you would like them to hook you up with suitable female friends. If they are not comfortable with that then they are just keeping you as a "spare" so get rid.

[Timshel]

So right, if a girl says no, I don't want to date you, let's be friends. Then proceeds to flirt, be possessive, expect a guy to take care of her in a way that a boyfriend would then that is crossing lines, being wishy washy and taking advantage of a person's feelings.

I don't get it because I don't do that. It seems from friend zone threads that this is common to play these games. "I'm saying no but I mean yes, or....maybe." No wonder men get confused, lose respect and don't want to stay friends.

Is this what is going on?

[LookAtThisPOst]

In my experience. Most of the women that FZd me had married friends or friends already in serious relationship s

 

Probably why they too are out seeking other singles at social functions

[salparadise]

So right, if a girl says no, I don't want to date you, let's be friends. Then proceeds to flirt, be possessive, expect a guy to take care of her in a way that a boyfriend would then that is crossing lines, being wishy washy and taking advantage of a person's feelings. I don't get it because I don't do that.

 

 

When a woman friend-zones a guy, often what she is saying is, from now on this is a one-way deal; it will be nice if you want to woo and pursue, but no expectations are allowed, or else. I'll dangle the maybe someday possibility and feed your fantasy (occasional hugs, smiles and affectionate words, etc.). I'll keep you around as a backup and enjoy your adoration while I pursue guys I consider worthy as long as you stay in your place and don't become a burden.

 

What the guy gets... he get to lay awake in bed knowing she's banging some asshat who makes her wet, and it ain't him. Then when she gets dumped or cheated on, maybe she'll cry on his shoulder, let him buy her dinner and think "maybe this is my chance"... while she licks her wounds and gets ready to do it all over again. It's a fool's game.

 

It works for women because they receive adoration, affection, resources, connection/companionship on an as-needed basis without any obligation to reciprocate, negotiate or meet the guys needs in any way.

 

But thinking that you're going to get her to set you up with her friends... nah, that's not consistent with the motivation that drives it. Actually being friends or being friendly is not the same as being friend-zoned.

Edited February 13, 2015 by salparadise

[Toodaloo]

So right, if a girl says no, I don't want to date you, let's be friends. Then proceeds to flirt, be possessive, expect a guy to take care of her in a way that a boyfriend would then that is crossing lines, being wishy washy and taking advantage of a person's feelings.

I don't get it because I don't do that. It seems from friend zone threads that this is common to play these games. "I'm saying no but I mean yes, or....maybe." No wonder men get confused, lose respect and don't want to stay friends.

Is this what is going on?

 

If they are doing that just go silent and quietly delete all contact. They are using you as back up and too afraid to go out on their own.

 

I guess its common with wishy washy people - don't know I don't tend to spend much time with those types.

[Timshel]

Thank you for explaining further. It doesn't happen to me Toodaloo 'cause I'm the woman doing it. Not like this though. Not for some back-up or ego stroke.

I'm transparent and make every effort to not give mixed signals and it works fine for me. Guys know exactly where they stand, I'm not a user.

That's what led me to ask about this because there are lots of threads about it and I can't ever understand what the problem is.

Now I am seeing more clearly and thanks for taking the time to explain.

Salparadise and Toodaloo

[Toodaloo]

Thank you for explaining further. It doesn't happen to me Toodaloo 'cause I'm the woman doing it. Not like this though. Not for some back-up or ego stroke.

I'm transparent and make every effort to not give mixed signals and it works fine for me. Guys know exactly where they stand, I'm not a user.

That's what led me to ask about this because there are lots of threads about it and I can't ever understand what the problem is.

Now I am seeing more clearly and thanks for taking the time to explain.

Salparadise and Toodaloo

 

That is really what one calls "prick tease" behaviour. It is, in my opinion, very nasty and selfish behaviour. You are also likely to get yourself a name and piddle a lot of guys off... They do not take kindly to this. I have heard them talk about this stuff and the girls that do it, believe you me you do not want to be doing this.

 

Cut the flirting crap out, he isn't your boyfriend so why should he treat you like a girl friend? Girls who do that need to grow up and get with the programme.

 

In your post you say you don't do this though?

 

If you friendzone a guy that is it. You don't get the extra benefits that come with a relationship with him. Leave him and help him find someone compatible. Stop screwing with his brain and balls if you have no intention of following it through.

 

Wishy washy people are just that, no back bone, no dedication and no guts or fighting spirit. What the poop hits the fan and you are expecting them to pass you a shovel (or at the least a brolly to protect yourself) they are gone. I really hate this sort of behaviour...

[insert_name]

So right, if a girl says no, I don't want to date you, let's be friends. Then proceeds to flirt, be possessive, expect a guy to take care of her in a way that a boyfriend would then that is crossing lines, being wishy washy and taking advantage of a person's feelings.

I don't get it because I don't do that. It seems from friend zone threads that this is common to play these games. "I'm saying no but I mean yes, or....maybe." No wonder men get confused, lose respect and don't want to stay friends.

Is this what is going on?

 

It depends as there is a lot of plausible deniability on both sides so both feel that they are acting totally reasonably and the other person is being unreasonablr in their demands. So each situation varies in terms of who is at fault depending on how much clarity there is in their discussions about this issue.

 

It is common where there is not clear communication for the man to feel like he has been placed in a special sort of hell where a girl he holds in high esteem holds him closer that any of her other friends...but not close enough to get the full relationship status that includes physical intimacy. Then he ends up being her support while she gets messed about by a guy who does not have the same sort of affection for her as the friend zoned guy. Its amazing how often this scenario tends to play out.

 

As such I feel there is definitely something to be said for women being attrzcted to challenging men rather than ones who would treat them like a princess.

[Toodaloo]

It is common where there is not clear communication for the man to feel like he has been placed in a special sort of hell where a girl he holds in high esteem holds him closer that any of her other friends...but not close enough to get the full relationship status that includes physical intimacy. Then he ends up being her support while she gets messed about by a guy who does not have the same sort of affection for her as the friend zoned guy. Its amazing how often this scenario tends to play out.

.

 

I think Guys need to grow a pair and tell these girls to beggar off before they get landed with all the drama and crap...

[Timshel]

That is really what one calls "prick tease" behaviour. It is, in my opinion, very nasty and selfish behaviour. You are also likely to get yourself a name and piddle a lot of guys off... They do not take kindly to this. I have heard them talk about this stuff and the girls that do it, believe you me you do not want to be doing this.

 

Cut the flirting crap out, he isn't your boyfriend so why should he treat you like a girl friend? Girls who do that need to grow up and get with the programme.

 

In your post you say you don't do this though?

 

If you friendzone a guy that is it. You don't get the extra benefits that come with a relationship with him. Leave him and help him find someone compatible. Stop screwing with his brain and balls if you have no intention of following it through.

 

Wishy washy people are just that, no back bone, no dedication and no guts or fighting spirit. What the poop hits the fan and you are expecting them to pass you a shovel (or at the least a brolly to protect yourself) they are gone. I really hate this sort of behaviour...

 

WTH? Ok. No. We have had a failure in communication. The last thing that I am is a tease.

This is not my thread but I laughed when I read this because of how deeply you misunderstand where I am coming from.

I know that if you treat a man with respect and expect respect you can be friends.

Not everything has to be sexual. I have male friends.

This is exactly what I can not wrap my brain around. That a guy asks me out, I decline but maintain the friendship. Now I am a tease??? There are other dynamics to consider. That I am and behave exactly what I said I am. Period.

Everything is based on personal experience. So your experiences have been dishonest and manipulative.

My experiences have not been like yours, apparently.

 

Note: I think the breakdown was that you did not read my previous post entirely.

Edited February 13, 2015 by Timshel
add note

[Toodaloo]

WTH? Ok. No. We have had a failure in communication.

Note: I think the breakdown was that you did not read my previous post entirely.

 

I have some great male friends and I do not like them to be treated badly, just as they do not like me to be treated badly.

 

I didn't see your first post was from you!! So now re-reading yes, from the tales my male friends come up with your description is very apt. I am afraid that there are a few women out there who are selfish little pieces of work, sadly they work their way round men faster than a speed camera can snap you. Gives the rest of us bad names and men a false impression of what women are like.

 

I really do wish women like this would cut the crap sometimes instead of using men for an ego stroke. Its vile behaviour.

 

"It doesn't happen to me Toodaloo 'cause I'm the woman doing it." This is the bit that got my brain fried! Glad we are on the same song sheet.

[somedude81]

Male friend of mine were discussing the aspects of the "friendzone" and according to him, being the one to find the silver lining in a lot of things is that he feels that said woman who did the friendzoning, could put you in touch with her other single female friends.

 

I was thinking, "Hm, that does sound promising, but in my case...the ones who've friendzoned me so far...most of their friends were married or had long term boyfriends...which was likely the reason she was seeking out other single people in the first place."

 

Basically, by cutting contact with the one who FZ'ed you, would be doing yourself a disservice in this case?

 

BUT he does make a good point? Yes? No? Thoughts on this?

 

I have never had a friendzone girl put me in touch with one of her single friends. Hell, I've had a great deal many of female friends and we only ever hung out one-on-one. I never met their female friends.

 

I honestly don't think that actually ever happens and it's just something that people tell you to make you feel better.

 

Simply put, if a girl doesn't think you are good enough to date her, do you really think she's going to introduce a friend of hers to you?

[somedude81]

This is exactly what I can not wrap my brain around. That a guy asks me out, I decline but maintain the friendship. Now I am a tease??? There are other dynamics to consider. That I am and behave exactly what I said I am. Period.

 

Honestly, I believe that women should not maintain the friendship if they reject a guy. Just don't.

 

Cut off all contact. That's the best thing to do for you and the guy.

[Shining One]

Unfortunately, the bad cases happen far too frequently. It took me a long time before I matured enough to start saying "no" to women who offered me friendship after rejecting me. I even had one with the audacity to say: "We can do anything people in a normal relationship do except have sex." Many of the others just wanted an extra wallet to buy them drinks and an emotional sponge to cry on. I've been much happier without them in my life.

[insert_name]

I think Guys need to grow a pair and tell these girls to beggar off before they get landed with all the drama and crap...

 

Easier said than done, especially when young and naive and still of the belief that Things can work out for the better between you when she realises what a douchebag that guy is. Problem is once she has put you in the friend zone you arent getting out. EVER.

 

now I am older and wiser I have a devil may care attitude to new friendships- I can cut people off at the drop of a hat which is the best way. I was a real sucker for the friend zone myself when i was younger so I have had to learn the hard way.

[Timshel]

I have some great male friends and I do not like them to be treated badly, just as they do not like me to be treated badly.

 

I didn't see your first post was from you!! So now re-reading yes, from the tales my male friends come up with your description is very apt. I am afraid that there are a few women out there who are selfish little pieces of work, sadly they work their way round men faster than a speed camera can snap you. Gives the rest of us bad names and men a false impression of what women are like.

 

I really do wish women like this would cut the crap sometimes instead of using men for an ego stroke. Its vile behaviour.

 

"It doesn't happen to me Toodaloo 'cause I'm the woman doing it." This is the bit that got my brain fried! Glad we are on the same song sheet.

 

Thank you jeezus. Congratulations for being the first person, male or female, to call me a tease.

I won't tolerate people game playing, there is so much to respect and appreciate about both sexes. I laughed first and then was like, what the blank; I just got called a tease...by a person I cannot see no less.

We are on the same side. Thank you

[Timshel]

Honestly, I believe that women should not maintain the friendship if they reject a guy. Just don't.

 

Cut off all contact. That's the best thing to do for you and the guy.

 

Really? There was no dating, no groping, no making out, no anything. Just asked out.

 

Cut them off? Never speak to them again?

 

I am single for literally the first time in my adult life. So...to understand: If a guy I am friends with asks me for a date and I say no; that's it. Avoid, shun?

 

I need an education.

[somedude81]

Really? There was no dating, no groping, no making out, no anything. Just asked out.

 

Cut them off? Never speak to them again?

 

I am single for literally the first time in my adult life. So...to understand: If a guy I am friends with asks me for a date and I say no; that's it. Avoid, shun?

 

I need an education.

 

Most likely once a guy friend asks you out, the friendship is over.

 

If you say no, and the two of you stay in contact, it's extremely likely that he hasn't given up on you.

 

IMO, the best thing to do is to just cut things some once you reject his interest and not let things get weird down the line.

[serial muse]

I agree that it's probably the prudent thing to do. I also think that the guy in question, assuming he's an adult and not fifteen, bears at least half of the responsibility for protecting his own feelings, however; once he's been rejected in plain language, he should cut off the relationship if he doesn't know how to just be friends. The woman's responsibility is to let him do it and not protest.

[GemmaUK]

Male friend of mine were discussing the aspects of the "friendzone" and according to him, being the one to find the silver lining in a lot of things is that he feels that said woman who did the friendzoning, could put you in touch with her other single female friends.

 

I was thinking, "Hm, that does sound promising, but in my case...the ones who've friendzoned me so far...most of their friends were married or had long term boyfriends...which was likely the reason she was seeking out other single people in the first place."

 

Basically, by cutting contact with the one who FZ'ed you, would be doing yourself a disservice in this case?

 

BUT he does make a good point? Yes? No? Thoughts on this?

 

 

 

Has this worked for you yet?

Have you tried it?

 

 

There is your answer.

 

 

I have a feeling that this will not work for you..but I hope I am wrong and that it has/does.

[BlueIris]

The silver lining to remaining friends is having friends. If you don’t want to be friends with someone, don’t be. My male friends and acquaintances who are really my friends, and not driven by a sexual agenda, are pretty easy to fix up because I like them.