Blatant Oogling of other women - how do I handle this?

[UnsureinTx]

I've been with "Jim" for over 2 years now and he wants to get married. I'm 42 and he's 47. He loves me and I love him but there is something he does that really bothers me. He oogles other women.

 

Ok, before you attack let me say I am not insecure or jealous - I don't have a problem at all with him looking at other women - I just don't appreciate the blatant and obvious looking he does with me present. He does the once up and down on girls when we're in restaurants, the mall or any public place. I've noticed it but never said anything until now because I didn't want to make a big deal.

 

But even my son noticed it recently and said something to me so I finally felt compelled to mention this to him. I said in a very nice and polite manner - that I did not care who or what he looks at when I'm not around but when I'm with him I'd appreciate it if he didn't break his neck trying to look at other women. I told him it is disrespectful to me and embarrassing when he turns to look at some girl's ass while he's holding my hand. It's a major turn off for me when he does this.

 

He got defensive and mad and I just told him I didn't appreciate the blatant oogling he does when I'm with him because it's tacky. He's the only man I've ever been in a relationship with that I've seen do this to where it's so obvious. I also had to ask him to hide his porno mags because he'd leave them out in the open. I don't have a problem with him looking at porn - I just think he should put it away when I spend the weekend with him.

 

To me it just seems disrespectful. Am I wrong to feel this way? He seems clueless when I tell him how I feel and he just looks at me like I've lost my mind. All I want is for him to respect me when I'm with him - then when I'm not around he can knock himself out and oogle/jackoff - do whatever (more power to him). I just want to be respected and not have to watch him do whiplash neck turns as girls walk by.

 

I have no problem with him looking at other women - I just prefer that when we're together he makes me feel like he only has eyes for me and he respects me. I know there are gonna be some guys who write and say "Hey, he's just looking..." but that's not the point.

 

He's not being subtle about it - he's being OBVIOUS and seems to do it intentionally - yet when I talked to him about it he got very angry and said he wasn't doing anything and I was just trying to start a fight.

 

He wants to get married but this is something that bugs me and he blows a fuse when I try to talk to him so I'm a little hesitant to get married. You'd think he'd at least say "I didn't realize I was being so obvious and I'm sorry this bothers you".

 

I think any woman wants to feel she's special and is respected. I don't want to marry a man who oogles other women - looks at porn and seems preoccupied with other women while he's professing undying love and marriage to me. I know he wouldn't like it if I did this to him - he can't stand the fact I have male friends and tells me I shouldn't talk to them.

 

Any advice on either how to not let this bother me or should I tell him this is a deal breaker?

[SoleMate]

In some ways, I don't even really need to respond, because the answers to your own important questions are contained right in your post. Just to summarize and clarify, his behavior is offensive, unloving, controlling and unfair. It's not just the disrespect - making you feel like you're an afterthought rather than his #1.

 

And yes, I agree with you that "just looking" is not a horrible thing. I do not expect my SO to act like a well-trained horse wearing blinders when any description of female walks past. People watching is one of my favorite activities - but it is not "ogling", nor would I give the time of day to any man who was that crude to women in general.

 

I think any woman wants to feel she's special and is respected.

True...and I've heard this even applies to men!

 

He wants to get married...and he blows a fuse when I try to talk to him so I'm a little hesitant to get married.

Can we change "a little hesitant" to "completely unwilling"? Only marry this man if you want more of the same, and worse, for the rest of your natural life, or until you pay a lawyer $50,000 to spring you from the prison such a marriage would undoubtedly become.

 

NOTE TO SELF: Only marry a man who treats me in a loving way.

[moimeme]

True...and I've heard this even applies to men!

 

What? No! You mean they're... they're.... human?

 

 

 

 

[Thinkalot]

This would bother most people I think, so I certainly dont think you are being unreasonable.

 

in fact, considering how many woman on here are opposed to any sort of porn, masturbation etc, even when they are not with their SO, I think you sound quite accepting and level headed.

 

Even more concerning to me, than his blatant perving on other women, is his inability or unwillingness to listen to your concerns and respect them, and try to modify his behaviour.

Sure, if what you were asking was extremely unreasonable, perhaps he should not be expected to change. But you are asking for basic respect. The least he can do is listen to you and try and start treating you like he loves and cares for you and your feelings.

 

I would feel concerned about marrying him, if you cant discuss your concerns, such as this one, with him. So many other issues, disagreements etc will arise in a marriage, and you need to be able to communicate and negotiate your way through them.

Perhaps he is so clueless he does not realise how big a deal this is to you. Spell it out. Not just the ogling, but the need for better communication and respect in general.

Good luck.

[quankanne]

He's not being subtle about it - he's being OBVIOUS and seems to do it intentionally - yet when I talked to him about it he got very angry and said he wasn't doing anything and I was just trying to start a fight.

 

tell him you're gonna start smacking him with a rolled up paper untiil he gets it right ... hey, if it works with potty-training puppies, it should work on a SO with a wandering eye!

[alphamale]

using a red-hot poker just burn his eyes out.

[quankanne]

I prefer the newspaper method. It'll get to the point where he just HEARS the *thwack* sound of paper hitting hand, and his Pavlovian responses will kick in. Besides, it takes too dang long to heat up a poker.

[FolderWife]

I had an older gentleman eye me up and down one time. I had on panty hose with criss crosses on them, and he said, "You're getting me excited with those stockings!" His wife was standing right there, and she said, "MMmm, me too!"

 

 

I always feel akward when a man with a wife on his arm flirts with me, but that COMPLETELY took the edge off

 

So my suggestion is when when you catch him looking, you turn and look too. Then make a comment, "YOWZA!" or something silly like that.

 

My hubby and I were generally discussing what movie stars we found attractive. I used to not be able to do this because I was so jealouse, but I've losened up. Any way, we would say a name, and the other would comment. You know how teenage girls sit and go, "Justin Timberlake!" "Oh, he's HOT!"

 

 

Anyhoo, I ended up getting turned on for some stupid reason *I think it was because I felt close to him talking about this* and he stood up and he had a hard on *wonder what he was thinking*

 

The sex was amazing...yeah.

 

So in conclusion, just do it right along with him. Yes, he is being a pig, but if you want a future with him, then you're old enough to realize that he is toooooooooo old to try to change. So you're going to have to find a way to live with it.

 

Or move on.

[Uns8ureinTx]

Thanks Monday for making me laugh - your quote at the end of your post gave me a good chuckle. I can't really join him in oogling other women - I'm not a lesbian and looking at other women doesn't turn me on. If I oogled along with him he might pull a Howard Stern on me and think I'd want a 3-some or something. The hot poker sounds like the best idea I've heard yet along with the rolled up newspaper - both at the same time.

 

Actually him doing this has been such a turn off I've told him I'm not interested in marrying him. Funny once he realized he didn't have any control over me he's become very apologetic and swears he'll change his ways - blah, blah, blah. All in all it's a matter of disrespect - I refuse to settle and I'd rather find a man who is a tad bit more considerate.

 

Thanks for your support - this board is great!

[SoleMate]

...I refuse to settle and I'd rather find a man who is a tad bit more considerate...

BRAVA! This is GREAT to hear. (We get so many sad stories about people eating sh*t in relationships and asking for advice on how to learn to enjoy it.)

 

Let him whine, whimper and beg, it will turn you off to him permanently.