Is he playing with my feelings??

[HayleyLou]

I met an older man online on a chat website, we've been talking for a year now, seen pictures of eachother, skyped everyday, we really got to know eachother, then i found myself falling for him, and he said he had felt the same way and so we decided to go into a long distance relationship. he was the first to say "i love you" and said he really cared about me and didn't want to lose me, and he always knew how to show it, he always wanted to be with me, would always beat me to sending a good morning message and even if we hadn't spoke for hours before he went to bed, he would always leave me a goodnight message. Now i want to add that i found out that this guy has 2 children, and one of them looks only 6-8 months old and that got me worrying that he could be dating someone in real life or he is married, i did ask him on skype a while back before it all got serious, if he was seeing anyone or was married, he swore to me that he was not but wanted to be with me. I then asked him if he had got children, he said "and if i tell you that i have?" and because i wanted him to be honest, i told him i'd be fine with it, and so he admitted to it. 2 weeks later, we started to make plans to meet, he seemed really up for it and happy about it, but no mention of his children, i thought to myself he would not leave his kids to fly half way across the world to me, i didn't ask him about it, but i know i should of. Anyway, everything had been going great recently, up until yesterday which was his birthday. now the night before last night it was great, we skyped like always, i asked him what he was planning to do for his birthday, he said he wanted to spend it with me on skype all day, we said our i love yous and goodnight, he was fine. then yesterday morning he seemed really off, he came on skype, i messaged him good morning, wishing him happy birthday, kisses etc, then his reply was "hi thx" ... his usual morning messages are "good morning love/beautiful/princess" with kisses, so i got a little anxious , so i asked him how his morning was, and if he still wanted to skype, he didn't reply, so i asked if he was busy, he replied with "busy ? nooo" , then i asked him again if he still wanted to skype, again no reply, so i left it 15 minutes, then he sent a message "eating breakfast but im here" , so i asked what he had got for breakfast, trying to keep the conversation going which has never usually been a problem, and no reply. so i sent him the online birthday card that i had made for him the night before, he replied: "very nice thank you <3", he seemed alright after that, we were talking, then in the middle of the conversation he set his online status to "away", he's never done that while we have been talking, and certainly not without saying anything. so i got a little upset, worrying why he was acting this way. then about 5 hours later, he messaged me on skype "hi, back" < not like him at all, i welcomed him back, asked him if he had a nice birthday, no reply, then an hour later he pops up "yes good day" and i replied straight away asking him if he had gotten anything nice, no reply, so i left it, 2 hours passed, i messaged him asking if he was busy, he replied "nooo" with the kiss smiley, and straight away i asked if he wanted to skype, no reply. and i left it completely, and he never replied, no goodnight message, no good morning message this morning, and he hasn't contacted me all day. i'm feeling very confused, worried, and down about this, i feel like he's just been playing with my feelings the whole time , what should i do? by the way this man is 38 and i'm 21.

[autumnnight]

It sounds like he's married.

[HayleyLou]

Well this is the first time he has done this, we've talked everyday and everything has been great, and in the matter of one day he changes completely, acts like he doesn't know me, i'm really confused and hurt to be honest. Thing is he gave me his phone number and added me on whatsapp and that, so if he was married, i don't think he'd take that risk, do you?

[tam1984]

It sounds like he's married.

 

^^Agree

 

This reminds me of my last LDR. He was older, no kids. He was visiting my city for business and we ended up staying in contact when he went back to his country. It was mainly a Skype relationship...but he would fly me out to another US City whenever he visited the US (where he had two different apartments).

 

I thought there was no way he was married and he actually stated that he didn't believe in marriage. For one...he had no children...secondly, we communicated so much that I thought there was no chance there was a wife in the picture. The communication was so constant a wife would have found out by then. This went on for over a year. I googled his name a few times but couldn't find anything about him. Every time his name popped up it was for someone who was older than him and with a last name spelled somewhat differently.

 

He suddenly became kind of weird and distant, much like what you're describing. I thought maybe he had found someone else and didn't want to tell me. He broke things off quite suddenly and without explanation and it was very upsetting and confusing for me.

 

Fast forward several months later..he contacted me out of the blue. We slowly started to resume things but I had a funny feeling...

 

Long story short, after a little bit of research I found out that he intentionally gave me a version of his name where his last name was spelled slightly incorrectly. He was indeed the one that had popped up on google. He was about 10 years older than he had claimed he was..and he was indeed married.

 

The reason he had gotten away with his "relationship" (I use quotations because I was so lied to that I hardly consider it a relationship anymore) was because his wife was a (semi-famous) scholar who was living in another country from him for years, working on a book. In short, they were in an LDR...and I guess I was, without knowing, his LD mistress. After some research i realized that around the time he suddenly grew distant was when she came back to live with him in his city, as she got a job as a professor at a university there. He reached out to me months later when she again went to another city.

 

Further, she was the breadwinner in that marriage...so much of the money he spent on flying me out to see him was actually HER money. The apartments I stayed at technically belonged to her, as well. Both facts made me sick to my stomach.

 

When I confronted him about this discovery he said I was "too young" to understand how "complicated" his life was and than it wasn't what I thought. Regardless of whatever dynamic he and his wife had and still have...he lied to me about something extremely big and it was done.

 

If a man isn't forthright with you about his personal life...he's likely hiding something. When you have feelings for another person it's easy to look at them with rose-colored glasses and take everything they say at face-value. However, if there is an age difference (coupled with LD, as well!!!) there NEEDS to be an aspect of complete openness/honesty. When one partner is significantly older than the other, there is a dynamic where one may be more powerful than the other (financially, experience-wise etc.). This isn't always the case...but the older party may find themselves drawn to a younger person because they feel they can take advantage of someone more naive or with less life experience. This is not always the case with older/younger relationships...but if you caught him not being completely honest about his kids already, coupled with his sudden behavior...I'd view it all as a big red flag.

 

I've been through it. You deserve better, hun.

Edited February 13, 2015 by tam1984

[travelbug1996]

He's playing games. I would block him out of my life completely if I were you. Besides you're 21- Get out and live your life!

 

Go out with your friends and stay away from relationships where you have to skype. This guy is almost twice your age and old enough to be your father.

 

He should be ashamed of himself but I'm sure he's not.

 

Please block this dude. If not, you will have no one to blame but yourself.

[HayleyLou]

He came online on skype this morning and messaged me, saying Happy Valentines day, i did not reply, as much as it hurt not to. Then suddenly i get another message on the other chat from him telling me that he had wrote me on skype, i did not reply, then he put the Sad Face Smiley saying "please reply" so i did... i asked him what was wrong, his reply "i miss you, i have been busy for 2 days i know i told you i was not, i'm so sorry, i love you" and saying he was dying to be with me this past 2 days but could not talk as much, and said he was free now, then suddenly he goes offline on the chat and sets his skype online status to "away" and that was this morning it's now 17:22. I messaged him on skype about an hour ago asking if he was ok and if he was up to much, no reply... and his skype status is set to "online", does this confirm that he has someone there with him?

[tam1984]

Now, think about this: what would make someone suddenly go offline in the middle of a chat?

 

It could be he suddenly lost internet connection...but I'd imagine he'd get right back to you.

 

the more likely scenario, however, is that someone walked into the room who he didn't want to see he was on Skype with someone.

 

The whole thing sounds incredibly fishy to me.

 

In the situation I mentioned earlier, the guy I was involved with got like that. He'd say he'd call/Skype me at, say, noon my time (7pm his time)...he'd not call until 4pm (11pm) his time, stating he had to "work late", that he was "busy". BS, clearly. He was waiting for the wife to go to bed. Or, he'd just vanish for days and claim he was "busy".

 

It's the worst because I would find myself sitting around waiting for him instead of having fun. When I wasn't sitting around, when I was out having fun, I was constantly worried that he'd then try to Skype me. I agree with Travelbug1996....you're young, go out and have fun! You have much better things to do than sit around worrying about him.

 

And as far as he goes...you can either forget about him...or, if you truly do think he's being honest...do some research on him. Google him. Does he have fb? Any kind of social media? If you think you want to continue this relationship you have to take into account the red flags. You're not the only one at risk getting hurt, here...his kids are..and his wife is (if there is a wife in the picture). See if you can find anything and, who knows....maybe he's not married....but, from what i've read and have experienced myself...something's going on. There's definitely something you don't know and, if this person claims to love you and want to be with you (and be involved with you for over a year!!)...that isn't right.

 

He's not been 100% honest and now he's being shady so, as far as I'm concerned...snooping a bit isn't a bad thing. He hasn't really done anything to deserve/earn your trust at this point.

 

But...don't let this consume you. Go out and have fun...don't be sitting around waiting for him/worrying if you'll hear from him. Do something for YOU today.

[HayleyLou]

i did exactly what you said, and i looked back at his facebook to the day of his birthday, and guess what i found out!, he is bloody married after all!! his wife posted a picture on his birthday of her and his kids, with a post saying "happy birthday to my darling gyula" and he'd replied with "thank you very much, you look beautiful my darling" and it carried on, them being all lovey dovey, i really cannot believe this poor woman has no clue what he has been up to, and i wonder if i'm not the only one he's been doing it with! i'm so angry upset and hurt i don't know what to do with myself right now but i do know if he contacts me tomorrow i will tell him to piss off back to his wife!, Thank you so much for your replies, it's really helped. big hugs

 

 

Now, think about this: what would make someone suddenly go offline in the middle of a chat?

 

It could be he suddenly lost internet connection...but I'd imagine he'd get right back to you.

 

the more likely scenario, however, is that someone walked into the room who he didn't want to see he was on Skype with someone.

 

The whole thing sounds incredibly fishy to me.

 

In the situation I mentioned earlier, the guy I was involved with got like that. He'd say he'd call/Skype me at, say, noon my time (7pm his time)...he'd not call until 4pm (11pm) his time, stating he had to "work late", that he was "busy". BS, clearly. He was waiting for the wife to go to bed. Or, he'd just vanish for days and claim he was "busy".

 

It's the worst because I would find myself sitting around waiting for him instead of having fun. When I wasn't sitting around, when I was out having fun, I was constantly worried that he'd then try to Skype me. I agree with Travelbug1996....you're young, go out and have fun! You have much better things to do than sit around worrying about him.

 

And as far as he goes...you can either forget about him...or, if you truly do think he's being honest...do some research on him. Google him. Does he have fb? Any kind of social media? If you think you want to continue this relationship you have to take into account the red flags. You're not the only one at risk getting hurt, here...his kids are..and his wife is (if there is a wife in the picture). See if you can find anything and, who knows....maybe he's not married....but, from what i've read and have experienced myself...something's going on. There's definitely something you don't know and, if this person claims to love you and want to be with you (and be involved with you for over a year!!)...that isn't right.

 

He's not been 100% honest and now he's being shady so, as far as I'm concerned...snooping a bit isn't a bad thing. He hasn't really done anything to deserve/earn your trust at this point.

 

But...don't let this consume you. Go out and have fun...don't be sitting around waiting for him/worrying if you'll hear from him. Do something for YOU today.

[tam1984]

i did exactly what you said, and i looked back at his facebook to the day of his birthday, and guess what i found out!, he is bloody married after all!! his wife posted a picture on his birthday of her and his kids, with a post saying "happy birthday to my darling gyula" and he'd replied with "thank you very much, you look beautiful my darling" and it carried on, them being all lovey dovey, i really cannot believe this poor woman has no clue what he has been up to, and i wonder if i'm not the only one he's been doing it with! i'm so angry upset and hurt i don't know what to do with myself right now but i do know if he contacts me tomorrow i will tell him to piss off back to his wife!, Thank you so much for your replies, it's really helped. big hugs

 

I'm so sorry about your situation. Like I said...I've been there. It really hurts. When you have feelings for another person it is REALLY EASY to not see the red flags so believe me when I say that it certainly isn't your fault at all.

 

With my situation, I was 22 when I met him and 24 when I found out he was married. At 22, I was quite naive when it came to the situation. To me...he was this older, well-traveled, educated, handsome man and I never would have dreamed he would ever lie to me about anything. He could do no wrong in my eyes. That's what happens when you're young and smitten with a manipulative person. I placed a lot of trust in him and it broke my heart to have it violated.

 

Just know it gets better. Go out there and find someone closer to you, closer to your age. About 5 months after finding out about this man's wife I found someone my own age and we have been together ever since. While the relationship isn't perfect (but then again, what relationship is!) and I admittedly have some trust issues I need to get over after being in such a deceitful relationship...I am really happy now and in a very open, honest relationship.

 

Hugs. You'll be fine. Take this as a learning experience and move on.

Edited February 14, 2015 by tam1984

[HayleyLou]

Yeah, I'm going to try again thank you so much, and i'm sorry you went through this too and i'm glad it all got better for you in the end and that you're happy . I woke up this morning to a message from him on skype Screenshot by Lightshot < . although a part of me wants to go off on him about all of this, I think it's best if I say nothing at all, and block him.

 

I'm so sorry about your situation. Like I said...I've been there. It really hurts. When you have feelings for another person it is REALLY EASY to not see the red flags so believe me when I say that it certainly isn't your fault at all.

 

With my situation, I was 22 when I met him and 24 when I found out he was married. At 22, I was quite naive when it came to the situation. To me...he was this older, well-traveled, educated, handsome man and I never would have dreamed he would ever lie to me about anything. He could do no wrong in my eyes. That's what happens when you're young and smitten with a manipulative person. I placed a lot of trust in him and it broke my heart to have it violated.

 

Just know it gets better. Go out there and find someone closer to you, closer to your age. About 5 months after finding out about this man's wife I found someone my own age and we have been together ever since. While the relationship isn't perfect (but then again, what relationship is!) and I admittedly have some trust issues I need to get over after being in such a deceitful relationship...I am really happy now and in a very open, honest relationship.

 

Hugs. You'll be fine. Take this as a learning experience and move on.

[emi]

This makes me sick

 

 

 

 

 

 

I met an older man online on a chat website, we've been talking for a year now, seen pictures of eachother, skyped everyday, we really got to know eachother, then i found myself falling for him, and he said he had felt the same way and so we decided to go into a long distance relationship. he was the first to say "i love you" and said he really cared about me and didn't want to lose me, and he always knew how to show it, he always wanted to be with me, would always beat me to sending a good morning message and even if we hadn't spoke for hours before he went to bed, he would always leave me a goodnight message. Now i want to add that i found out that this guy has 2 children, and one of them looks only 6-8 months old and that got me worrying that he could be dating someone in real life or he is married, i did ask him on skype a while back before it all got serious, if he was seeing anyone or was married, he swore to me that he was not but wanted to be with me. I then asked him if he had got children, he said "and if i tell you that i have?" and because i wanted him to be honest, i told him i'd be fine with it, and so he admitted to it. 2 weeks later, we started to make plans to meet, he seemed really up for it and happy about it, but no mention of his children, i thought to myself he would not leave his kids to fly half way across the world to me, i didn't ask him about it, but i know i should of. Anyway, everything had been going great recently, up until yesterday which was his birthday. now the night before last night it was great, we skyped like always, i asked him what he was planning to do for his birthday, he said he wanted to spend it with me on skype all day, we said our i love yous and goodnight, he was fine. then yesterday morning he seemed really off, he came on skype, i messaged him good morning, wishing him happy birthday, kisses etc, then his reply was "hi thx" ... his usual morning messages are "good morning love/beautiful/princess" with kisses, so i got a little anxious , so i asked him how his morning was, and if he still wanted to skype, he didn't reply, so i asked if he was busy, he replied with "busy ? nooo" , then i asked him again if he still wanted to skype, again no reply, so i left it 15 minutes, then he sent a message "eating breakfast but im here" , so i asked what he had got for breakfast, trying to keep the conversation going which has never usually been a problem, and no reply. so i sent him the online birthday card that i had made for him the night before, he replied: "very nice thank you <3", he seemed alright after that, we were talking, then in the middle of the conversation he set his online status to "away", he's never done that while we have been talking, and certainly not without saying anything. so i got a little upset, worrying why he was acting this way. then about 5 hours later, he messaged me on skype "hi, back" < not like him at all, i welcomed him back, asked him if he had a nice birthday, no reply, then an hour later he pops up "yes good day" and i replied straight away asking him if he had gotten anything nice, no reply, so i left it, 2 hours passed, i messaged him asking if he was busy, he replied "nooo" with the kiss smiley, and straight away i asked if he wanted to skype, no reply. and i left it completely, and he never replied, no goodnight message, no good morning message this morning, and he hasn't contacted me all day. i'm feeling very confused, worried, and down about this, i feel like he's just been playing with my feelings the whole time , what should i do? by the way this man is 38 and i'm 21.

[TMichaels]

I think it's best if I say nothing at all, and block him.

 

Yes, this would be the best approach, though I would be tempted to send him a screenshot of what you saw on Facebook, THEN block him from all points of contact.

 

He'll get the message, and you'll get some sense of satisfaction. But the key thing is you must cut all contact with him. If not, he'll continue to try to worm his way back into your good graces which will just cause you continued and undeserved disrespect and pain.

 

Think about it. The guy lied to you. Not once but over and over again from the start. How can you and why should you ever trust him? His word means nothing, and he's dragged you into a situation with his duplicity and selfishness that's made you (even if unknowingly) the other woman. Is that what you want to be?

 

Put yourself in his wife and young family's shoes. Do you want to continue to be the one that allows him to lie and cheat on them? How would you feel if he was your husband or your dad?

 

When you didn't know, then it would be hard to lay all the blame at your feet. But now you do know. If this guy wants to live his life as a lying, cheating scumbag that's his decision, but you don't need to enable his behavior or become one by continuing to be part of his silly, hurtful games.

 

Shut him out now, and don't look back. Don't worry, he'll find another IF he already doesn't have others already on the line.

 

Guys like him always this think they're incredibly clever and they'll never get caught. They get lazy or cocky because they've been able to get away with it for some time and count on the other woman/women being so in love with them and/or desperate for the relationship they'll never question, complain or want out.

 

Everyone makes mistakes, HayleyLou. The important thing is to learn from them. LDRs are tricky and you need to be more skeptical and less gullible if you're going to continue to pursue them.

 

The kids, his comment about whether "would it matter if I had some?", the fact that he travelled a great distance to come see you without mention of who was caring for the children, his abrupt and erratic disappearances online. All of those were red flags.

 

Instead of being swept off your feet and being in a total love bubble, you should have doing things like checking his FB page from the get-go to make sure he was really who he said he was. Next time, (if there is one) you need to not be so naïve and trusting. Those are two qualities that guys like him find exceedingly attractive for obvious (self-serving) reasons.

 

In fact, when he asked you whether it would matter if he had kids, that was sort of a test. Your answer told him a continued "relationship" was possible. Had you objected, pushed him to find out what was the situation, where was their mother, continued to question him, etc. then he probably would have ditched you and moved on.

 

Why? Cons and Catfish are interested in the path of least resistance. There are millions of people out there on the Internet to hit up; no sense wasting your time with someone who is on to you or not interested in your game.

 

It's sorta like a car thief in a parking lot. There are three cars -- one locked up tight with a security system clearing operational; another with the doors locked but the windows cracked down an inch; and a third where the windows are wide open and the keys are in the ignition. If you wanted to steal a car, which one would you choose? Thieves aren't stupid -- they'll pick on the one that's the easiest to score.

 

So what's the parallel? The thicker the rose-colored glasses you wear when you're dealing with someone you meet online the more vulnerable you are to getting taken for a ride.

 

It's nice to think that the world in one big fairytale where true love lives forever, and honesty, integrity, and sincerity always prevails but, if the world was perfect, the Earth would be round. NEWSFLASH: It ain't; look it up!

 

So, it's time to hitch up your big girl panties HayleyLou, and get real. Slam the door shut in this guy's face immediately, and disable all points of contact.

 

Then, instead of wasting any more time thinking about "what you lost" (which was a lying scumbag), think about all that has happened, how you got yourself into this mess, and what you're going to do to make sure you don't fall prey to this BS again.

 

You can do it, but you will have to stay strong.

 

Good luck,

TMichaels