cheated on girlfriend in november, told her...

[feelterrible31]

I am 25 and have been official with my gf for about 1.5 years now. A few months ago over thanksgiving break I was back home visiting my family. At the time my gf and I had been together about a year and a half. i lost my virginity to her and she has been the only one I have ever had sex with. I'd love to marry my gf, I lover her so much. But I also have always thought about sex and am I missing out on anything, thinking about girls I've been with in the past and what sex would have been like etc.

 

Maybe many of you cannot understand the feeling unless you are in my position of only being with 1 girl like that. But, it is a true concern that I've always had these in the back of my head which i believe has held me back in our relationship. So I was back home and ended up meeting up with this girl and getting drinks. We made out, I fingered her a little, even went down on her for maybe 20 seconds but I found myself not even wanting to be there. I only thought about my gf and remember repeating 'im sorry' over and over in my head while it happened and got out of there ASAP. Did not have sex, did not even want to. the other girl did though and i had to make multiple excuses to leave like saying im allergic to latex so i couldnt use the condoms she had. I was not hard or even turned on for whatever reason. i mean if i really wanted to have sex i would have let her try and get me hard etc, and have said ok to her condoms. whatever.

 

i told my gf about it on sunday. it has been a very hard week. hardest of my life. she is so forgiving. she is very hurt and mad but she has/will forgiven me. this post is more of an issue about forgiving myself. i am the kind of person that is very over analytical and this has been on my mind for the past 2 weeks, even after i have now told her.

 

i didnt tell her bc i thought she would ever find out. i did it bc it wasnt fair to her and i couldnt keep something like this for her especially bc i want to marry her one day. as messed up as it sounds, a lot of good has come from this. i feel so good about her now and all of those fears/concerns holding me back are gone. it has all made me see so much clearer at the very least.

 

but like i said, this has all been on my mind pretty much nonstop. why? is it because i hurt the one i love the most and i am trying to forgive myself? she is the one who is hurt, so why is it on my mind continuously? would love some insight and advice on how to settle my mind, forgive myself, and forget about this so that i can focus on our relationship and making it stronger than before.

 

i feel like because of how my over analytical brain is wired it just festers in my head. i need to get it out and move on, does it just take time? obviously for her it will and of course i am comforting her as much as i can throughout this, but why is it also on my mind all the time? guilt? i dont know..

[WhatYouWantToHear]

I don't know what you want from us. I mean you did something horrible, know it was horrible, tried to do the right thing afterwards and now are beating yourself up over it still.

 

I don't know what to tell you, other than remember this feeling so that you know what its like and never get yourself in a similar situation.

[feelterrible31]

there is 0% chance anything like this ever happens again...and what i am looking for is exactly what i asked in my first post. insight as to why it's on my mind all the time when im the one who did the mistake and how i might move forward and self heal

 

 

 

by the way i am in no way trying to make excuses or alleviate responsibility from what i did. the story was to just provide some context. what i need now is advice on why this is just all so stuck in my head. i mean my mind is even going to lengths to ask 'what if' questions..like what if i was fully hard? would i have done it? logically who cares, i didnt do it, i wanted to leave. that is what matters. but i cant shake this stuff

[Tolu2d]

I'm kissed another girl once, told my ex and it finished the same day.

 

I paid the price though, bro. We all make mistakes, we are human, so don't be too hard on yourself.

 

What I did was wrong, but since I paid such a huge debt, I've forgiven myself and learnt from my mistakes.

 

Never again!

[Tolu2d]

I know only too well the temptations of cheating, but I try to avoid the situations as much as possible.

 

You need to really learn from this one, mate.

[feelterrible31]

I know only too well the temptations of cheating, but I try to avoid the situations as much as possible.

 

You need to really learn from this one, mate.

 

oh i learned. i learned that idc about anyone else. all i want is my gf. she is all i want in my life. so i mean in a way some good has come from it, i have no hesitations to give myself to her 100%.

 

but at this point i'm concerned with my i am being so hard on myself, why i cannot let it go and slip from my mind at least for most of any given day. will it just take some time?

 

and these damn stupid 'well what if i was hard? would i have done it?' really needs to go away

[SycamoreCircle]

I feel like oftentimes when we pronounce the obvious to ourselves, it's because we don't really believe it.

 

I love my girlfriend. I want to marry her. I want to be with her the rest of my life.

 

The subconscious drives the conscious. You found yourself nestled between that girl's thighs because of a subconscious drive that became a conscious reality. Are you now so sure of what your subconscious wants? It sounds to me like you're trying to program yourself.

[WhatYouWantToHear]

If your serious about wanting to know how your mind works, contact a psychologist. All this seems like is an attempt to further punish yourself.

[feelterrible31]

I feel like oftentimes when we pronounce the obvious to ourselves, it's because we don't really believe it.

 

I love my girlfriend. I want to marry her. I want to be with her the rest of my life.

 

The subconscious drives the conscious. You found yourself nestled between that girl's thighs because of a subconscious drive that became a conscious reality. Are you now so sure of what your subconscious wants? It sounds to me like you're trying to program yourself.

 

i was telling that information to you guys, not to try to convince myself. i appreciate the psycho analysis but i know where my feelings lie. and i also know the reason im so hurt is bc i so deeply love my gf and it kills me to see what i did. if i did not love her like i do, i would not hurt so much, i would hardly even care

[SycamoreCircle]

i was telling that information to you guys, not to try to convince myself. i appreciate the psycho analysis but i know where my feelings lie. and i also know the reason im so hurt is bc i so deeply love my gf and it kills me to see what i did. if i did not love her like i do, i would not hurt so much, i would hardly even care

You've heard people say of themselves, "I'm very mature for my age." And in that moment, with respect to whatever is happening, you believe them. Until you consider that maturity is not gauged by select moments but by something more comprehensive. I guess what I'm suggesting is that you may love your girlfriend, but comprehensively because of your age and life experiences you require something else.

[feelterrible31]

You've heard people say of themselves, "I'm very mature for my age." And in that moment, with respect to whatever is happening, you believe them. Until you consider that maturity is not gauged by select moments but by something more comprehensive. I guess what I'm suggesting is that you may love your girlfriend, but comprehensively because of your age and life experiences you require something else.

 

i see what you are saying. and perhaps that is why i did what i did, because of a combination of those factors. but i also truly believe i got it out of my system. i dont say this because i want to believe it, i say it because i have been witnessing it every day. i genuinely have no interest in others. i saw it that night when i was not into what i was doing at all, and i have seen it since as i do not have any interest in talking to other girls like i may have used to. not sure if that is what you were getting at but that's what came through to me.

[No Limit]

The guilt feelings will decrease in time. Or maybe get re-activated should your GF meet a guy who senses her insecurities and mistrust in your relationship and will use it for his own advantage. Either way, good luck.

 

there is 0% chance anything like this ever happens again...

 

Don't be so sure. You cross that line, it's hard for the majority to stop.

[kendahke]

But I also have always thought about sex and am I missing out on anything, thinking about girls I've been with in the past and what sex would have been like etc.

the thing that drove you to do what you did is still there: you're still basically inexperienced and have only had sex with one girl. Let's face it---very, very few people end up married to the person they lost their virginity to unless they married as virgins.

 

You still need to sort out whatever it was that made you want to have experiences with other girls. Saying you know you won't do it is nice, but giving lip service to something you've always thought about and then did isn't going to go very far.

[feelterrible31]

the thing that drove you to do what you did is still there: you're still basically inexperienced and have only had sex with one girl. Let's face it---very, very few people end up married to the person they lost their virginity to unless they married as virgins.

 

You still need to sort out whatever it was that made you want to have experiences with other girls. Saying you know you won't do it is nice, but giving lip service to something you've always thought about and then did isn't going to go very far.

 

well what drove me was just the concern/question of sex with others. what i realized from the experience is that i dont even care. i do not have any interest to have sex with anyone else, i have who i want to do it with for good. so my questions/concerns were put to rest.

 

i am really only concerned about dealing with the guilt and pain of hurting the one i love and looking for advice on that if anyone has any

 

it helps to know it will fade with time, i just hope thats true

[elaine567]

? Gf has had sex with many others yet feels bad over a little finger play with a stranger?

 

Wait a minute there.

Is she not entitled to fidelity from her partner?

I have never heard that cheating doesn't really count, if it is merely catching up with the past conquests of the betrayed partner...

 

So

Wife to husband: I've slept with 3 men and you've slept with 20 women; so I can now sleep with 17 other men, so that we can be equal.

Don't feel bad, its not cheating, it is just catching up...

[elaine567]

i feel like because of how my over analytical brain is wired it just festers in my head. i need to get it out and move on, does it just take time? obviously for her it will and of course i am comforting her as much as i can throughout this, but why is it also on my mind all the time? guilt? i dont know..

 

I am guessing your anxiety and constant mulling over this, comes from the fact you have apparently got away with it, but a little voice in your head, thinks your gf may leave you anyway over this.

And that is not an unrealistic worry, unfortunately for you.

[Diezel]

I would just end the relationship. You are 25, you have plenty of time ahead, but you have broken this relationship. It will NEVER be the same. Short-term, it's doing a lot of "good" but over time, it'll start to corrode. She'll start wondering "what if" or why you are staying longer at work or what you do when she's not around, even if you aren't doing anything wrong.

 

All it took was one time.

 

Not only that, but it happened THREE MONTHS AGO, and you told her now.

 

She'll eventually start to wonder what other things you could be keeping from her or whether the gravity to which you cheated was just to the "fingering" level.

 

You've fractured the relationship and even though you two are together and you are "sure" you love her, be prepared, you made this relationship a whole lot more difficult to maintain.

 

So, my advice? You either break it up or you seek professional help.

I'd personally tell you to do the former, simply because you'll eventually be one of those guys who later on in life wonders why you didn't "sow your wild oats" a little more. I've seen it happen one too many times even without a relationship being fractured to this degree.

 

Remember this too, women may FORGIVE, but they will NEVER FORGET.

[feelterrible31]

I would just end the relationship. You are 25, you have plenty of time ahead, but you have broken this relationship. It will NEVER be the same. Short-term, it's doing a lot of "good" but over time, it'll start to corrode. She'll start wondering "what if" or why you are staying longer at work or what you do when she's not around, even if you aren't doing anything wrong.

 

All it took was one time.

 

Not only that, but it happened THREE MONTHS AGO, and you told her now.

 

She'll eventually start to wonder what other things you could be keeping from her or whether the gravity to which you cheated was just to the "fingering" level.

 

You've fractured the relationship and even though you two are together and you are "sure" you love her, be prepared, you made this relationship a whole lot more difficult to maintain.

 

So, my advice? You either break it up or you seek professional help.

I'd personally tell you to do the former, simply because you'll eventually be one of those guys who later on in life wonders why you didn't "sow your wild oats" a little more. I've seen it happen one too many times even without a relationship being fractured to this degree.

 

Remember this too, women may FORGIVE, but they will NEVER FORGET.

 

i do not recall asking for your advice on what to do. you know neither her nor i but thanks for the blanket advice:)

 

i'll repeat once more, just looking for advice on what i can do to get it out of my head so constantly and why i am feeling so bad when i am the one who did the damage

Edited February 15, 2015 by feelterrible31

[No Limit]

you know neither her nor i but thanks for the blanket advice:)

 

Not necessary. It's the same pattern generation after generation. You just don't like to hear it, even though what he said is pretty much spot on - think of it as an hour glass. You turned it upside down yourself, now it's just a matter of time. But it's your first relationship so it's not surprising you're clinging onto it.

 

i'll repeat once more, just looking for advice on what i can do to get it out of my head so constantly and why i am feeling so bad when i am the one who did the damage

 

Because even people who do bad things are - sometimes - capable of knowing that what they did was wrong, like you, so pat pat for that. There's only time to get rid of that feeling, although that wound can be opened up any time you come home late and there's a GF waiting for you to scream bloody murder where have you been (or, with whom). Chances are the mere sight of your GF are a reminder of what you did.

[thecrucible]

Do you feel bad 'cause you did it or bad 'cause you hurt her? You must figure that out. That's how you know how deep the love is between you.

 

 

I cheated on an ex. It was 4 years ago. I regret how I acted. At the time I thought I loved him and wanted him back but I later realised I didn't. I didn't date anyone for a long time (2 years) after that. I mulled over things and eventually moved from resentment towards him towards realisation of my own selfish ways. It wasn't a perfect relationship but didn't have to end that way with the hurt my ex must have experienced. One of the reasons I did it was because I was an avoidant personality and I failed to talk enough about my concerns about troubles in the relationship. So I lashed out seeking something that was missing for me.

 

 

Well I learnt a lot from that situation. I really did. You said you sometimes wonder whether the grass is greener on the other side. I think it's natural to feel like that. What you could have done is to have discussed those feelings with your girlfriend then you could have found out her point of view on it. It would suck to talk about but it might have prevented you from burying your feelings and then acting on them.

 

 

You have to be honest with yourself for the sake of everyone involved. But my personal point of view is that there's obviously feelings still there as you couldn't go through with the whole act of sex even though it was on the table (I'm not trying to imply men are all sex maniacs) and would have been easy to get carried away and keep going.

 

 

This'll be hard to be going in the relationship as will throw up problems, which appear now or later. You'd have to rebuild her trust and avoid situations where you'd end up alone with the opposite sex. And if she asks questions, answer them. I just remember my ex wanted more details answered but I refused to talk about it and well, we still hate each other :/. I didn't think I needed to tell him because we were broken up but if you stay with someone, you'll have to not avoid talking about it even though it's painful for you.

[Chi townD]

Well dude. You cheated on her and she's giving you a chance. Count yourself lucky. But, you're not out of the woods. Not by a long shot. She MIGHT be afraid and in shock about what happened. I think when the shock goes away, you're going to be left with a very bitter and angry with her emotions all over the place. And she might end things with you. So, you have to do a lot of heavy lifting.

 

 

1. complete transparency. You have no right or privacy at the moment. She has no reason to trust you. If your out, you need to call her, text her and tell her your every movement. She gets to have access to your phone and all your social media anytime she wants.

 

 

2. If she needs to vent, you let her vent. You caused this so take your lumps.

 

 

3. Couples counseling. immediately!

[kendahke]

i do not recall asking for your advice on what to do. you know neither her nor i but thanks for the blanket advice:)

 

i'll repeat once more, just looking for advice on what i can do to get it out of my head so constantly and why i am feeling so bad when i am the one who did the damage

 

 

Well, the other side to that coin is none of us recall asking you to come here and put your personal business out for us to examine. That is the cost of putting your sensitive issues to strangers who do not owe you what you want to hear. Don't get nasty with us when we tell you what we think. You don't get to dictate to any of us what we can say. Perhaps you need to take this up with your boys and not us?

 

How to get out of your head? Stop being so damb selfish. All of this is about you--not about anyone else. You didn't stop to think about what you were doing to your relationship when your fingers were all up that girl's kitty. You weren't thinking of that girl, either, truth be told. She was just a means to an end and just because you lost the will halfway through really is meaningless--the will to do what you did should have been strangled in its crib. It was all about you and the experiences you felt you were lacking. Now it's all about you and your head.

 

You're feeling bad because what you did was selfish and messed up in the extreme.

 

If you wouldn't want to walk in on your girlfriend doing the same thing, then it's safe to say it's not cool for you to be doing it, either. That really isn't rocket science. It's called opening a can of "act right" that should have been open. Duh.

[smackie9]

well what drove me was just the concern/question of sex with others. what i realized from the experience is that i dont even care. i do not have any interest to have sex with anyone else, i have who i want to do it with for good. so my questions/concerns were put to rest.

 

i am really only concerned about dealing with the guilt and pain of hurting the one i love and looking for advice on that if anyone has any

 

it helps to know it will fade with time, i just hope thats true

 

 

It is true and it's something the both of you should work through together. If it's still troubling you, seek out a couples counselor for help.