2 months NC, am I a "nice guy" or just unlucky/too young?

[Dondon]

Hello LS. I know this is a long post but i would really like some help. I'm trying to improve myself and i need some answers. I didn't want to write this, but i had a small setback yesterday and today and i thought this would be good for me.

 

It's 2 months since my BU and few days less since last contact. You can find my thread on this forum. She broke up with me because of abuse in her childhood (as she told me), but few days/weeks later a friend told me she met a new guy a few days before BU, so she emotionally cheated on me and lied to me. Before her, i was with a girl for a year and a few months (when i was 19) and had a few short term relationships. I was a dumpee in both LTR and both left after honeymoon phase ended. Or so i think. First girl even told me that, but then she came back after 6-7 months and told me she made a mistake, but it was too late.

 

I fell like i'm getting better each day and i don't think about her as often. I mean she's still on my mind every day, but i can go to sleep without her in my head, i can wake up without her on my mind. Of course not every day but still. I fell like i really made a nice progress in this 2 months although last 2 days were a bit off. I had a dream about her on both nights, which i guess isn't a coincidence since it's exactly 2 months since BU and with valentines day here. But i will get through this even though i know, i have a long road ahead of me.

 

I'm doing everything to keep myself busy through the day. I work longer hours, i'm studying for my last few exams, i go to the gym 4x a week, i hang out with my friends. I go out at weekends, allthough i'm at home today because i'm tired. (11:30 p.m. here). I bought myself some clothes, new skiing gear as i plan to go skiing after 5 years.

 

And of course i'm reading threads here on LS. I left the breaking up and 2nd chances forums and move to this coping forum. I guess it's a good sign. And a while back i came across a thread about this "nice guy" syndrome. I must admit i never heard about this before. So i read a few things about this on internet and i'm a bit confused. I mean there are some things that would make me a part "nice guy" but i'm not sure.

 

I consider myself a good guy. I was told the same by my family, my friends, my exes and other people i met. I'm kind, helpful and respectful to all people. I love and care about my family, friends and of course my (ex) girlfriend. I trust them, i'm loyal and i never did anything to hurt them. I can get very emotional at times, but i always tell what's on my mind. Communication and trust are two very important things for me. I have a nice number of friends and a group (10-15) of really close friends. I'm a big football(sports) fan (both playing and watching), i'm outgoing and i like to travel (weekend trips in my country, and longer travels around the world in summer). I have a full time job and i'm few exams away from getting my degree.

 

Of course i'm not perfect. I know i'm a bit shy and lack some confidence and i really want to work on that. I also don't like fighting with people, because i listened my parents fighting for 5 years in my teenage years. But that doesn't mean i don't stand up for myself when it's necessary. My father is an alcoholic (reason for fighting) and it affects me, but i told my ex that few months into a relationship.

 

My relationship with my ex was great. I'm 24, she is 21. We were very much in love, we spent a lot of time together, we texted/called each other almost every day. We did a lot of different things together, but on the other hand both of use had our own stuff. I loved spending time with her, but i also liked to go out alone with my friends. I loved her more and more every day. And i showed her that with words and actions. I bought her flowers (few times a year so i don't thing i was too strong about that), once i even made her a flower from paper. I organized some nice daily trips (and a weekly trip to Paris), cooked a few romantic dinners and sometimes left a little chocolate or a note on a bed for her when she woke up. And a lot more. I don't know, maybe i'm a hopeless romantic or something, but i have a lot of ideas like that and i love doing things like that. And she was always really happy about that. And she loved to do this little things for me too. Not as often as me, but not because she didn't want to, but because she couldn't. She was in school, lived with her mother and didn't have a lot of money. And i knew this and it didn't bother me.

 

Well i don't even know why i'm writing all this. I hope it's not too long, but i just want some other opinions. I moving on with my life and i want to improve myself and get ready for a new chapter in my life. I would really like some advice about this. Am i a "nice guy"? Or was i just unlucky and she just too young and immature? Because i really thought she was the one.

Edited February 13, 2015 by Dondon

[Ieris]

That's the funny thing when you treat them nice, they run away, cheat or whatever but when you treat them like crap.. they keep coming back for more. What's up with that?

 

I have been the "nice girl" in 3 of my relationships and those are the only times I got cheated on and had my heart crushed. So I'm going to keep my wolf jacket on, I suggest you get one too!

[darkbloom]

Maybe it's just age. I appreciate the things you did for her and they weren't even for me. Keep your nice guy mentality, one day you will find a girl that truly appreciates it.

 

The jerk guys are a dime a dozen. And while women are attracted to them, they usually get burned.

[Dondon]

Thank you for both replies. I just want to mention that i don't want this thread to turn into nice guys vs bad guys or something. Nor do i have anything against women who falls for bad guys. I just want some advice for myself.

 

I had a nice life before i met her. I was single (for 2,5 years, with some ons and stuff) and happy. I was in school, had a job and going out with friends. I was a having a great time and when i met her she was just this cherry on top, last piece in my life and for 2 years i was really happy with my life. I had everything i wanted, well except my own apartment, but that's pretty hard in my country.

 

@Ieris

Well i treated both really good, because that's who i am. That's how i was raised. To be good to other people, specially ones you really care about. One came back, this one not (yet). I'm sorry to hear about your relationship. I'm sure you are a good person like me and we will find the right person for us. Hey i coming to London later this year. Last year i was there for only 2 days so i wasn't able to visit everything i wanted. If you see a guy wearing a wolf jacket it's me. Haha, just joking. I know i will be very careful and it will probably take me some time to get back to meeting girls. I'm not one who jumps from rs to rs. I want to heal completely first, so i could trust the next girl. That's probably one of the reasons i was single for 2 years.

 

@darkbloom

Yeah that was my first impression. I mean she's 21, she just started studying in a city 30-40km from me, so we didn't see each other as often as before. Her girlfriends are all single and maybe she felt left out, because she couldn't do everything her friends did. We still had a great time, when we were together, but i guess this new life was just to exciting for her.

 

So would you say i'm a "nice guy" or a genuinely nice guy? I know i won't do a 180 and change everything about me, because that's not who i am. But i would like to try improving some things about me. What can i do about my shyness and lack of confidence?

[darkbloom]

Thank you for both replies. I just want to mention that i don't want this thread to turn into nice guys vs bad guys or something. Nor do i have anything against women who falls for bad guys. I just want some advice for myself.

 

I had a nice life before i met her. I was single (for 2,5 years, with some ons and stuff) and happy. I was in school, had a job and going out with friends. I was a having a great time and when i met her she was just this cherry on top, last piece in my life and for 2 years i was really happy with my life. I had everything i wanted, well except my own apartment, but that's pretty hard in my country.

 

@Ieris

Well i treated both really good, because that's who i am. That's how i was raised. To be good to other people, specially ones you really care about. One came back, this one not (yet). I'm sorry to hear about your relationship. I'm sure you are a good person like me and we will find the right person for us. Hey i coming to London later this year. Last year i was there for only 2 days so i wasn't able to visit everything i wanted. If you see a guy wearing a wolf jacket it's me. Haha, just joking. I know i will be very careful and it will probably take me some time to get back to meeting girls. I'm not one who jumps from rs to rs. I want to heal completely first, so i could trust the next girl. That's probably one of the reasons i was single for 2 years.

 

@darkbloom

Yeah that was my first impression. I mean she's 21, she just started studying in a city 30-40km from me, so we didn't see each other as often as before. Her girlfriends are all single and maybe she felt left out, because she couldn't do everything her friends did. We still had a great time, when we were together, but i guess this new life was just to exciting for her.

 

So would you say i'm a "nice guy" or a genuinely nice guy? I know i won't do a 180 and change everything about me, because that's not who i am. But i would like to try improving some things about me. What can i do about my shyness and lack of confidence?

 

To be 100% honest with you. I went for the nice, shy, and not quite confident guy. I'm not attracted to *******s as some people are but his shyness took me off guard and I pursued him. His lack of confidence stemmed from some terrible things other girls had done to him in previous relationships.

 

I am confident, fairly pretty, smart, financially stable, and I have a good job. It worked for us as a balance because I think if we were both confident and he wasn't shy we would have been in competition in the relationship. Anyway, he used to do very nice things for me like you did for your girl. There were a lot of good things about him. However, he was not working a good job, kind of depressed, and he was sometimes immature.

 

We have a very good connection and it was almost like fire when we were together. But his lack of confidence in himself ultimately led him to cheat and he lost me.

 

It left me scratching my head and wondering what I could have done differently or if I needed to change things about my personality. Then I realized, I HAVE my **** together. And while I may not be perfect, someone will come along and appreciate my good qualities and my quirks.

 

This girl is very young and it sounds like she has GIGS syndrome and will be trying to get you back when she realizes what she lost.

 

I am also not one to jump from rs to rs. I think you should try some new hobbies for yourself that force you to meet new people. And really focus on your good qualities and not your ex. It took me two months to accept him as not part of my life anymore and to let him go. It was so painful. But i feel so much better about myself now.

[Ieris]

@Ieris

Well i treated both really good, because that's who i am. That's how i was raised. To be good to other people, specially ones you really care about. One came back, this one not (yet). I'm sorry to hear about your relationship. I'm sure you are a good person like me and we will find the right person for us. Hey i coming to London later this year. Last year i was there for only 2 days so i wasn't able to visit everything i wanted. If you see a guy wearing a wolf jacket it's me. Haha, just joking. I know i will be very careful and it will probably take me some time to get back to meeting girls. I'm not one who jumps from rs to rs. I want to heal completely first, so i could trust the next girl. That's probably one of the reasons i was single for 2 years.

 

You have some great qualities, don't change who you are. I don't think that it's age or bad luck for why things didn't work out. Often it's because you invested in the wrong person who didn't know how to appreciate you or your relationship has run it's course. Sometimes we bring it on ourselves for believing/expecting things to last forever so it hits us like a bullet when things come to an end. It's like watching a movie and not wanting it to end or hating the ending so some people pray for a sequel... hoping for a happy ending but we know that doesn't always happen.

 

I think it's good to take breaks between relationships so you can start each one on a clean slate, not have the next person pay for the mistakes the previous one made.

 

Well when you come to London, check out Shoreditch (East London) it's nice there and where all the arty/trendy people hang out.

I will look out for your wolf jacket, should be easy to spot as sheep jackets are more popular here. I'll have both a sheep and wolf one, you know what they say... when you can't beat them confuse them! XP

[Dondon]

To be 100% honest with you. I went for the nice, shy, and not quite confident guy. I'm not attracted to *******s as some people are but his shyness took me off guard and I pursued him. His lack of confidence stemmed from some terrible things other girls had done to him in previous relationships.

 

I am confident, fairly pretty, smart, financially stable, and I have a good job. It worked for us as a balance because I think if we were both confident and he wasn't shy we would have been in competition in the relationship. Anyway, he used to do very nice things for me like you did for your girl. There were a lot of good things about him. However, he was not working a good job, kind of depressed, and he was sometimes immature.

 

We have a very good connection and it was almost like fire when we were together. But his lack of confidence in himself ultimately led him to cheat and he lost me.

 

It left me scratching my head and wondering what I could have done differently or if I needed to change things about my personality. Then I realized, I HAVE my **** together. And while I may not be perfect, someone will come along and appreciate my good qualities and my quirks.

 

This girl is very young and it sounds like she has GIGS syndrome and will be trying to get you back when she realizes what she lost.

 

I am also not one to jump from rs to rs. I think you should try some new hobbies for yourself that force you to meet new people. And really focus on your good qualities and not your ex. It took me two months to accept him as not part of my life anymore and to let him go. It was so painful. But i feel so much better about myself now.

 

 

Well your ex sounds a lot like my ex tbh. She is (was) a very nice person, a bit shy and lacking some confidence like myself, but we met at a

party and we both had some drinks so it was easier for both of us. It's not that i don't meet girls and can't talk to them. It's just hard for me to

go to a girl and introduce myself and start talking and stuff. But once i manage to do that i'm in. And we talked for hours the first few weeks. I guess

this is something i should start working on.

 

After BU I was too thinking and wondering what i did wrong, because i felt like it was my fault. I was rejected, hurt and depressed. But after a few weeks

and with help from my friends and Loveshack, i realized it wasn't my fault. Yeah i'm not perfect, i have some flaws like every other person. And i will

try to work on myself. And than like you said, some will come along and appreciate me for who i am. This words made me feel much better. Thank you for that.

 

I'm at a 2 months mark too and accepted that she's gone. I mean i still love her and miss her but that's normal considering how much i lover her. On the

other hand i don't remember the feeling when i hold her, hugged her and kissed her. It's slowly fading away so i'm on a right path.

 

 

You have some great qualities, don't change who you are. I don't think that it's age or bad luck for why things didn't work out. Often it's because you invested in the wrong person who didn't know how to appreciate you or your relationship has run it's course. Sometimes we bring it on ourselves for believing/expecting things to last forever so it hits us like a bullet when things come to an end. It's like watching a movie and not wanting it to end or hating the ending so some people pray for a sequel... hoping for a happy ending but we know that doesn't always happen.

 

I think it's good to take breaks between relationships so you can start each one on a clean slate, not have the next person pay for the mistakes the previous one made.

 

Well when you come to London, check out Shoreditch (East London) it's nice there and where all the arty/trendy people hang out.

I will look out for your wolf jacket, should be easy to spot as sheep jackets are more popular here. I'll have both a sheep and wolf one, you know what they say... when you can't beat them confuse them! XP

 

 

 

Thank you for that, means a lot. I don't plan to change, because i can't be something i'm not. I will try to improve my shyness and lack of confidence. I

guess you're right, although i really thought she was the one. I mean we really had a great connection. We were always great together, did so many

different things together. I remember one night when we came home from dancing all night and we had a nice talk about us, how great we are together and

that it must be destiny that we ended up together. It funny, because the night we first met, we also ended up dancing for a few hours. And we both had

a really nice relationship with each others family, grandparents and other relatives. I know my whole family and other relatives were really shocked when

they found out.

 

Oh well, if i had such a great time and invested so much in a wrong person, than i can't wait to meet the right person. When the time is right of course.

 

Haha okay it's a deal. I will try to check it out. Any other advice what to see? I hope it's not too much off topic. Last year i saw (from the outside)

the Buckingham Palace, Tower bridge, tower Of London, Trafalgar Square, London Eye, Westminster Abbey and that's about it. 1 day and a half is nothing if you want to explore a great city like London. But unfortunately i came from Lille in the morning and had a flight back home to Slovenia the next day. Can't wait to go back there. It's a totally different world for me. Your city has like 4 times more than my whole country.