Continue No Contact?

[ally2015]

Attn: * his full name *

 

Your daughter is doing great. She's done XXXX and XXXXX . The other day she XXXX.

 

I'm doing great too.

 

But thanks for asking

 

Haha I thought of putting that in there somewhere. I find it a bit of a joke that after 2 months no contacts he opens the email with "Hey" and not even asking how his child is etc... BUT then i thought as I dont want to be in contact that i would reply with no emotion, no feeling, just reply like he is a client or something. Give him nothing... show in my words that i basically dont give a f*** about him or what he is doing and have that reflected in the way i act when i see him??

 

I'm afraid we'll be out of town from XXX date to XXX date. So I'm afraid she'll be unavailable for your Birthday. But you are entitled to come visit her during reasonable hours at my house any other day, given a heads up warning in advance of course.

 

I am actually suprised that he didnt ask to HAVE her on his birthday rather then SEE her because the previous 2 times he did has to HAVE her and i said no way. So maybe he is realising! I am actually really interested to see whether or not he asks to see her on another day that is not her birthday... like just because its your birthday doesn't mean you can choose to be a father that day. I am sending my reply on Thursday and seeing him on Friday so IF he says anything to me on the Friday like "when will you be back from holidays or why the hell would you go away knowing it my birthday this will be my reply "My friend actually organised this family trip with us and he made it fit in with my work schedule, it had nothing to do with me as it was a suprise for my birthday." Followed by "I am really not interested in speaking to you so leave me alone" and then "if you want to know something about *our child* you have my email address." then ignore.

 

 

And unfortunately I'm not legally permitted to allow my child out of sight, And certain matters must be resolved before You and I can show up together in any social events in the near future.

My thoughts on the wedding are.... him and his family dont deserve to be anywhere near my child because for 3 months they havent cared once about her. When he replies with the details of the wedding. if it is convient for me i would reply with "Our child can attend the wedding ceremony but with me present as due to your recent behaviours, lack of communication and my duty of care as a responsible parent i dont feel comfortable you having sole care of her without me present. therefore if it is so important for her to be present, i will also be attending the ceremony with her and we will leave immediately following the ceremony." That way I am offering him a compromise instead of saying no... and of course i am sure he will say no to that reasonable request and if he does... then too bad. Offering a compromise now and then will benefit me if we end up in family court for custody

 

 

 

Anyways, it doesnt have to be what I typed. You a few tongue-in-cheek remark ideas.

 

thank you for your ideas... im just listening to your previous advice tho... like keeping it emotionless, letting him know nothing about me or my child, make him think that i couldnt care less and we are doing great, not instantly replying to his email, make him wait for it. I think trying to get a reaction from him at the moment is pointless because he is still caught up in his version of reality. I would LOVE to write this as a reply to his email

 

 

Hey.... (Are you kidding?)

 

NO you can not see *childs name* or me on your birthday. You cant choose the days you decide to want to be a parent. Because all you will do is take selfies with her to make yourself feel better, to show them to people that your a great dad... to go along with the rest of your dellusional reality. Who cares that its your birthday... not us. We will be on a family holiday with a friend so wont be in Sydney and even if we were.. the answer would still be NO.

 

The wedding! Its sad about her mum but i dont feel that it is important that a 1 year old attends especially as she is not in the wedding and the fact that she isnt important any other day to anyone in your family despite my efforts to connect her with them. Again she would just be used for photos to have "fake" happy family photos... and you are all strangers to her now as she hasnt seen anyone in 3 months which is a LONG time at her age and she would freak out! And you are absolutely f***ed in the head, unstable, using drugs, sleeping around, abandoned her, cant be adult enough to speak to me, abusing people in public... so i dont think it would be a fantastic idea to hand a 1.5 year old into your sole care where i know you will just get hammered and palm her off.. SO NO she cant come and thats not because im a b**ch or that im trying to punish you for leaving me by withholding her... She cant come because of YOU and your actions and lack of actions. I wouldnt use my child to get back at you... i honestly dont give a f*** what or who you are doing, i was already over the relationship buddy as i tried to leave you 2 weeks before u left and remember you were the one having the breakdown.. not me. i deserve so much better then you and so does our child and you know what we will find that person and we will achieve the goals and plans that you and i planned for our family but now it will happen for my family and you can continue to do whatever you want. you've lost everything and you dont see it yet and when you do.. dont bother trying to come back.... we are over you!

 

 

That would be SO amazing to send haha!

[Ralph79]

Ok that's last email is leaning a bit towards the emotional side lol

 

Look, I know I told you in the past to be indifferent. However there are some situations that call for you to NOT be indifferent. The way he addressed you in his email was rude. Straight to the point.

 

I think the tongue in cheek snide remark would be an appropriate slap in the face, so that he knows he can't just butt into your life whenever he wants, however he wants.

 

There are protocols he needs to follow. Call it etiquette if you will. Call him out on it. Just don't be a sour bxxxxx about it. Be cool.

[ally2015]

Ok that's last email is leaning a bit towards the emotional side lol

 

hahaha just a bit hey.. would love to send it haha

 

Look, I know I told you in the past to be indifferent. However there are some situations that call for you to NOT be indifferent. The way he addressed you in his email was rude. Straight to the point.

 

Yeah it was casual like as if we had been talking all the time. Like after 2 months NC youd think it would be a bit more then what he wrote. Like if it was me id be overly nice in the email because i want him to say yes. He is an idiot.

 

I think the tongue in cheek snide remark would be an appropriate slap in the face, so that he knows he can't just butt into your life whenever he wants, however he wants.

 

i get what your saying... but do you honestly think there is any point to it? Wouldnt me saying lile im fine and so is ur daughter thanks for asking like show him that i care that he didn't ask... or makes me come across as a bi*** and like im going to say no because i am pis*ed off at him? ? I just dont know how to play it and its important as this will be my first communication with him and then i see him the following day so i want my email to reflect the way i will be when i see him if that makes sense? The i dont give a f*** what or who you are doing, we are happy without you in our life and we jusr dont care.

 

There are protocols he needs to follow. Call it etiquette if you will. Call him out on it. Just don't be a sour bxxxxx about it. Be cool.

 

100% agree he is an idiot.. emailing me 7 days before his bday and 2 months NC and he thinks id actually say yes? He has no excuse for not emailing me any other day to ask how his child is... his excuse was he was too worried to contact me because of the avo (which is not even active for over a month now) yet sends me an email to see her because its his bday. Umm no mate! Thats why i thought my reply should just be like he is a client, no emotion, no details about us, just nothing?

[Ralph79]

It's not about you showing him that you care that he didn't call you. It's about you setting a precedent that he needs to have some manners when he addresses you.

 

I'll put it to you this way. If you go on a date with a new guy, and within the first 5 min. you sit down with him, and he starts asking questions about your preferences when it comes to intimacy, what would you say?

 

Hey, I think there's a few more things I'd like to talk about before I reach that subject with anyone ok?

 

It's the same with your eX. It's not about how you feel in regards to his lack of communication, it's about him behaving like you'd expect of anyone addressing you. Specially the father of your child.

[ally2015]

It's not about you showing him that you care that he didn't call you. It's about you setting a precedent that he needs to have some manners when he addresses you.

 

well he cant actually call me as he no longer has my number as i changed it so he can only contact me via email. I understand what your saying BUT I dunno haha. I don't want to cause any unnecessary drama and im sure that when i say no to his requests and offer the comprimise which im sure he will say no to that he wont continue contact with me.

 

I'll put it to you this way. If you go on a date with a new guy, and within the first 5 min. you sit down with him, and he starts asking questions about your preferences when it comes to intimacy, what would you say?

 

Hey, I think there's a few more things I'd like to talk about before I reach that subject with anyone ok?

 

It's the same with your eX. It's not about how you feel in regards to his lack of communication, it's about him behaving like you'd expect of anyone addressing you. Specially the father of your child.

as i said i know what your saying BUT why not treat him the way he is treating me in his emails. Just keep it short and to the point. Nothing more nothing less? Im just confused as ive beeen told to like be emotionless, give him nothing?

[Ralph79]

Im just confused as ive beeen told to like be emotionless, give him nothing? [/b]

 

I don't mean to confuse you. Just don't let him disrespect you. When I had to call my ex-wife over a year ago, to ask her to sign dissolution papers, out of courtesy I asked her how she was. I didn't really care. And even if she treated me horribly, I'm not about to act disrespectful.

 

Had she contacted me for a favor with "Hey, I need this. Can it be done?" I would said "Well, I'm ok thanks for asking. And no it can't". In fact when we finished the conversation that time over the phone, she actually called back to ask how I was: "I'm sorry, I didn't ask you how you were".

 

I know he's only emailing but you should stand up for yourself and let him know there are proper ways to address people if he expects positive results. I'm sorry, I just found that very rude on his part. And again, its' not about complaining, but about pointing it out. Make it known that it's not ok.

[ally2015]

I don't mean to confuse you. Just don't let him disrespect you. When I had to call my ex-wife over a year ago, to ask her to sign dissolution papers, out of courtesy I asked her how she was. I didn't really care. And even if she treated me horribly, I'm not about to act disrespectful.

 

Yeah i know what you mean. Its just curtsy... Although when this all happened and he was messaging me he never asked how i was or how was our child and in saying that when i contacted him about our child i didnt say it either.

 

 

Had she contacted me for a favor with "Hey, I need this. Can it be done?" I would said "Well, I'm ok thanks for asking. And no it can't". In fact when we finished the conversation that time over the phone, she actually called back to ask how I was: "I'm sorry, I didn't ask you how you were".

 

I know he's only emailing but you should stand up for yourself and let him know there are proper ways to address people if he expects positive results. I'm sorry, I just found that very rude on his part. And again, its' not about complaining, but about pointing it out. Make it known that it's not ok.

 

yeah all good im just a little confused. so if on friday if he says hello and how are you to me... should i respond and ask how he is also? Or just ignore him? Or just say hello. I dont want to be a b**** even tho he deserves it but thats not who i am and i dont want him to make me that person. But i also sont want my kindness to be taken as weakness (to quote rihanna) i know i probably sound silly but i want to word it correctly and for my actions when i see him to also reflect that.

[Ralph79]

Be polite but indifferent.

 

EDIT: It's really all about your state of mind. Most posters were concerned at the perceived obsession you had with this guy turning it around, when he clearly wasn't going to do that. But you seem to be in the right state of mind now.

Edited March 4, 2015 by Ralph79

[ally2015]

Be polite but indifferent.

 

EDIT: It's really all about your state of mind. Most posters were concerned at the perceived obsession you had with this guy turning it around, when he clearly wasn't going to do that. But you seem to be in the right state of mind now.

 

Okay so if he says hello how are you to me first... i will respond hello im good how are you? then when he responds say nothing or walk away from him... then at that point if he continues conversation i will say to him "im really not interested in speaking to you"... and if he continues then i will ignore him and if he brings up our child ill say "Again.. im not interested in speaking to you and if you want to discuss our child please email me." then ignore again. I know ignoring can be perceived as being rude or a b**** but i should only really have to say it once not 100 times. I am just hoping he says nothing to me at all. But am preparing myself for the worst.

 

So i will send this email tomorrow

 

Att: *his full name*

 

*childs name* and I are not in Sydney on 9th of March 2015 so she will be unable to see you on this date.

 

Please confirm the date, time and location of the wedding.

 

Regards,

 

*my full name*

 

I think it is good because it tells him we arent hear on his birthday but i dont acknowledge it as being his birthday by using the date. And that means if he wants to see her he will need to follow up with another time he can see her. which i dont think he will because he just wants to pay dad on his birthday.

 

And he should have really provided the details of the wedding in the email that he sent me.... so asking the details of the wedding lets him know i am open to the idea.. then when he provides the details i will say she can go but i will be going otherwise she doesnt go at all as i dont feel she is safe in his sole care and his family have been absent from her life for 3 months so would be unsettling for her. That i am happy to bring her for the ceremony then leave immediately otherwise she wont be attending. and its due to his actions not me being a bi***

 

Is what i am thinking correct... haha i seem to be thinking more logically now but then i second guess and doubt myself.

[Ralph79]

Wow , couldn't have written it better myself. You're blunt , to the point, and didn't really confirm your daughter is going to the wedding. Brilliant.

[ally2015]

Wow , couldn't have written it better myself. You're blunt , to the point, and didn't really confirm your daughter is going to the wedding. Brilliant.

 

Hooray!! I will most likely need help when he replies to that email.. then after that i should be okay... should be.

 

Thanks so much for all your advice!

[ally2015]

Hi ... sorry to annoy haha.

 

I sent this email today (Thursday at 11.30am, his email was recieved 3pm on Tuesday)

 

Att: *his full name*

 

*childs name* and I are not in Sydney on 9th of March 2015 so she will be unable to see you on this date.

 

Please confirm the date, time and location of the wedding.

 

Regards,

 

*my full name*

 

He replied in literally 30 seconds with this:

 

Can I see her when you are back then?

 

Wedding is the 14th of march at 3pm down in Wollongong.

 

I haven't replied yet and I am not planning to until Saturday or Sunday. I will be seeing him tomorrow and am now preparing myself for him to want to speak about it... as i wasnt expecting him to actually reply to my email before i see him tomorrow.... This is my plan if he brings up seeing our child or the wedding tomorrow (please let me know if its good, i want to prepare for the worst that way he cant throw me)

 

If he says hello how are you? I will reply hello im good, how are you? when he replies i will walk away from him. If he then asks about seeing our child i will say you can email me regarding her. he will most likely say i did yesterday, i will then say oh i havent read it yet. ill reply when i get a chance. if he keeps asking questions ill say im not interested in speaking to you. and walk away from him again. If he brings up the wedding.. i will again say i will reply to your email when i get a chance and if he says why cant you just tell me now. i will say " i am not interested in speaking to you, i will reply to your email when i have the chance. and again walk away. then if he continues i will just simply ignore him?

 

If he asks why we will not be in state on his bday or when we will be back i will say "i am not sure, my friend has organised a family trip away and he organised it with my work. so i am unsure of when we will be back.

 

Sound good? Im just a bit thrown that he replied within 30 seconds i was actually expecting it to take a day or so... i am planning to reply to his email on Saturday or Sunday. Today is Thursday.

 

I was thinking this will be my email reply:

 

Att: *his full name*

 

I am unsure of when we will be back in Sydney. Also I feel that it would be in *childs name* best interest if you organise it with a visitation center to see her. As myself and *childs name* would not feel safe being around you due to your recent behaviours.

 

*childs name* is able to attend the wedding ceremony but I will be coming with her. I don't feel that *childs name* would feel comfortable being around so many people especially when she has not seen your family in over 3 months and I dont want her to feel overwhelmed. Also I wouldn't feel comfortable with you having sole care of *childs name* without me present. She can attend the ceremony with me, have some photographs taken then we will be leaving immediately, or she will not be attending at all due to your actions and your families.

 

Regards,

 

*my full name*

Edited March 5, 2015 by ally2015

[Ralph79]

I'd suggest simply to remember that Time is your friend.

 

Just deflect everything to a later time, simply stating: I don't think this is the appropriate time or place to discuss this. I'll let you know through an email.

Or simply say , now is not a good time.

 

Also, I wouldn't even bother making plans for any further emails until after you see him. You never know what's going to happen.

[ally2015]

I'd suggest simply to remember that Time is your friend.

 

Yes, he replied quickly i am guessing so he thought i would reply quickly...but no i will be taking my time.

 

Just deflect everything to a later time, simply stating: I don't think this is the appropriate time or place to discuss this. I'll let you know through an email.

Or simply say , now is not a good time.

 

Yes my plan is deflect him to email and tell him ill reply to him when i have time. not give him any answers and just tell him that i am not interested in speaking to him

 

Also, I wouldn't even bother making plans for any further emails until after you see him. You never know what's going to happen.

 

Yes that is very true, if he is awful to me tomorrow i may take the offer of the wedding off the table. I will fill you all in tomorrow with what happenes.. im nervous. first time in 3 months we have really been face to face

[Ralph79]

I'm betting 5 dollars that he's back in your house after tomorrow holding his daughter while you admire him.

[ally2015]

I'm betting 5 dollars that he's back in your house after tomorrow holding his daughter while you admire him.

 

Why would you say that?!? No freaking way!!

[Ralph79]

Why would you say that?!? No freaking way!!

 

lol kidding. lighten up. Don't be so nervous

[ally2015]

lol kidding. lighten up. Don't be so nervous

 

haha not funny! Of course im nervous i haven't really seen him in 3 months and there is soooooooooo much i want to say and yell at him but i know its pointless right now... so it will be hard and weird. Hopefully adrenaline kicks in and i can stick to my plan if he does speak to me... otherwise ill just try to gwt in and out as quick as i can

[Ralph79]

haha not funny! Of course im nervous i haven't really seen him in 3 months and there is soooooooooo much i want to say and yell at him but i know its pointless right now... so it will be hard and weird. Hopefully adrenaline kicks in and i can stick to my plan if he does speak to me... otherwise ill just try to gwt in and out as quick as i can

 

Yeah. Just remember, I know I've typed this somewhere before. This issue with him is only as big as you make it in your mind. Distract yourself. Tomorrow will come. There's nothing that's going to change that. So just try to relax and focus on anything else.

 

I'll repeat myself: Our problems are as big as we decide to make them in our head.

[ally2015]

Yeah. Just remember, I know I've typed this somewhere before. This issue with him is only as big as you make it in your mind. Distract yourself. Tomorrow will come. There's nothing that's going to change that. So just try to relax and focus on anything else.

 

I'll repeat myself: Our problems are as big as we decide to make them in our head.

 

 

very true! Ill just take it as it comes!

[ally2015]

Where to begin!!!! He came with his girlfriend which i can confirm she is born in 1970...a 20 year age gap and she is vial! When i saw him all i felt was pity, he looked nervous and miserable. We went into court the 'gf' could also come in... anyways a discussion happened i stood my ground and i won, he will only recieve what he contributed. Hooray! He is dellusional about the truth as he said " we are completing mediation which is a lie and that i wont let him see the child". Lies! Anyways it ended i got up and walked out they almost ran to catch up then walked directly behind me and his gf said this "f*** you, your a fat mol*, bit** etc..." i didnt do anything other than keep walking. How pathetic honestly!

 

Then got outside and they walked past my car she was holding onto his shoulders and looking at me smirking so i smiled and got in my car. Then i was going past his work and they were out on the road so i said f*** it and pulled over. Walked past them smiled and went into his work.. i asked his boss for a copy of his warning he recieved for violence as i need it for court. He didnt have it but went ro get a business card. I said to my ex "yuck" he was like what? I said your gf is disgusting she is like 50. Oh and our child wont be going to the wedding and if u want to see her contact a visitation center. Got the business card and left.

 

I then sent an email about the wedding and visitation so he could not twist my words...

 

Att : his full name

 

 

As mentioned*today, *If you want to see childs name you will need to organise this through a visitation center as i don't feel that child's name and I would be safe in your company.*

 

 

Childs name can attend the wedding ceremony but with me and will stay with me, we will leave immediately following the ceremony. I don't feel that it is in child's name best interest to be surrounded by people she hasn't seen in almost 4 months, *it would be very overwhelming and distressing for her. Also I don't feel comfortable leaving childs name in your sole care as i have serious concerns for her wellbeing and safety due to your recent behaviours. *If you really want her there as inconvenient as it is for me i will bring her but she will stay with me.

 

 

Regards,*

 

to which he responded

 

You're pathetic. Don't worry about it. You're not welcome around my family.

 

to which i responded

 

I am being as accommodating as i can be in light of your recent behaviour and complete lack of contact. As well as the fact your extended family have also made no attempt to maintain any type of relationship with childs name.

 

 

I have offered a compromise, if that isn't suitable then that is your choice. YOU are the reason she wont attend not me. I am the one raising OUR child and being a responsible parent to her to ensure her safety and well being. So would you like childs name to attend with me or not? If not we will remain on our family holiday.*

 

He responded

 

As I said, you're pathetic. No one has maintained contact with you because you are not a nice person. Along with the fact that you have been messaging me from multiple fake numbers and my family from fake facebook profiles. I understand where you get it from now after your grandad came up to me and started abusing me. As if I was going to take that.

 

Childs name is welcome there but you are not. You can live with the fact that you cant be an adult about this and keep her from her dad and his family. Im not going to wear that. I want to raise childs name but you wont allow it so dont blame me because you want to be immature about it. At the end of the day it is childs name that misses out and that is on you..

 

 

I replied

 

Yes some of my friends have contacted you and I have asked them to stop. I have better things to do then make contact with you and your family,like raising my daughter.

 

 

I have made numerous attempts FOR CHILDS NAME to maintain a relationship with you and your family. Dress it up how you like, but you have made no attempt to maintain contact with your daughter whatsoever! You have abandoned her.

 

 

His name, you are clearly delusional and completely irrational...and behaving like a child. i can live with the fact that I am raising childs name in a stable and loving environment like i have pretty much her whole life without you in it.*

 

 

Childs name is missing out on nothing at all, its a shame she doesn't have a father but at the end of the day its you who is missing out and has lost everything.

 

 

Considering you wont accept my undeserving comprimise childs name will not be attending as a direct result of your choice.

Regards

 

 

 

No reply as yet. .. i know i probably shouldn't have kept replyong but feel my replies were good! What a day!

[Ralph79]

How do you feel?

[ally2015]

]

How do you feel?

 

I dont know haha! I feel a lot of pity for him, like everything he said yesterday and wrote in emails is such lies and distorted perceptions of reality. Also his girlfriend and her behaviours was utterly pathetic and she is 45 so makes me feel good thst he has gone from me to that. Disgusting.

 

I feel frustrated... like how the hell are things going to improve? He is in such denial about everything, its as if he is trying to make himself hate me? Because i have done nothing to him? I just dont understand what he wants from me? He says he wants to be in his childs life etc... so why isnt he? I havent put up barriers...yet im getting the blame for keeping her from him? I think him making no contact in 2 months justifies he is the one nit making the effort. Im just being a responsible parent by not handing her over as he is acting unstable. I just dont know what the hell he wants? And dont know where to go from here...

[Ralph79]

]

 

I dont know haha! I feel a lot of pity for him, like everything he said yesterday and wrote in emails is such lies and distorted perceptions of reality. Also his girlfriend and her behaviours was utterly pathetic and she is 45 so makes me feel good thst he has gone from me to that. Disgusting.

 

I feel frustrated... like how the hell are things going to improve? He is in such denial about everything, its as if he is trying to make himself hate me? Because i have done nothing to him? I just dont understand what he wants from me? He says he wants to be in his childs life etc... so why isnt he? I havent put up barriers...yet im getting the blame for keeping her from him? I think him making no contact in 2 months justifies he is the one nit making the effort. Im just being a responsible parent by not handing her over as he is acting unstable. I just dont know what the hell he wants? And dont know where to go from here...

 

Once again, I'm sorry for what you're going through. It's not what you envisioned when you had your daughter, but at least you realize now you are better off without this man.

 

He wants to have his way. He's immature and irresponsible. I usually don't like to judge anyone based on 1 side of the story, but in this case, I don't see a scenario that justifies drug abuse, and infidelity. He's lost it, and you are better off cutting off your loses.

 

The positive thing through out all this is, all the emails you've gotten from him are evidence. And you replies to them were perfect. I would take more time from now on to reply to anything he types. Cool down and don't lose what you've gained.

 

The more the talks and writes, the more he tightens the noose on his neck (so to speak). Just don't say anything he might against you.

[ally2015]

Once again, I'm sorry for what you're going through. It's not what you envisioned when you had your daughter, but at least you realize now you are better off without this man.

 

100% its so sad and all i feel for him is pity. He has given up everything and for what?

 

He wants to have his way. He's immature and irresponsible. I usually don't like to judge anyone based on 1 side of the story, but in this case, I don't see a scenario that justifies drug abuse, and infidelity. He's lost it, and you are better off cutting off your loses.

 

he is dellusional living in his own form of reality.. blaming everything on me because he cant deal with what he has done.i would actually LOVE to hear his side of events... would be very interesting. There is no way to spin it, he cheated got caught, threw in the towel, is into drugs, women jumping and abandoned his child. .. dont see how it can be portrayed any other way?

 

The positive thing through out all this is, all the emails you've gotten from him are evidence. And you replies to them were perfect. I would take more time from now on to reply to anything he types. Cool down and don't lose what you've gained.

 

The more the talks and writes, the more he tightens the noose on his neck (so to speak). Just don't say anything he might against you.

 

Yes i am wording my emails carefully, and he isnt haha i dont acknowledge him calling me pathetic or any of the lies he says. I just state the truth and facts. And 100% he is digging a even bigger hole for himself.

 

What are your thoughts on the 45 year old vial gf, name calling me and attempting to flaunt him in front of me? To me it screams insecure, jealous and threatened? If you are genuinely happy and in a secure relationship why feel the need to name call the ex when i said and did nothing? Its just pathetic especially at her age.