Popsicle Posted February 16, 2015 Share Posted February 16, 2015 You can, if a socially acceptable boyfriend is really what's important to you. A lot of women pick a partner they aren't that hot for to satisfy other priorities. Having sex with him will probably be brutal at first but you can always taper that off over time. Truth spoken. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 16, 2015 Share Posted February 16, 2015 The few times I tried going on single dates with men I was not attracted to they ended badly. Once in my teens, I said yes because I did not know how to say no. He was a bit older then me & figured out that I wasn't really into him so he cancelled. I was so relieved but I felt awful for hurting the feelings of a nice guy. Still he tried to make me feel better. I did it again in my mid-20s. "On paper" he seemed great. I enjoyed his company. He was interesting & funny. The date was awful. The good night kiss was worse. When he asked for a 2nd date, I declined. In my 30s I tried again through OLD. First guy, I knew we had no physical romantic connection but we had some other stuff in common. I told him as much but he said everybody has to have a 1st OLD date & he'd like to be mine. We had some business connections & he offered to make it a business meeting if the sparks weren't there. Seemed like a good idea. It was the worst date of my life! Then he stalked me. Ugh. Last time, it was a guy from OLD that didn't put up photos initially. I was too stupid & trusting to realize that was a red flag. I agreed to meet him then got the photo. He wasn't bad looking but he didn't float my boat. Since he was already hung up on his own looks, I was loathe to cancel & went. Again, I think I hurt him more by showing up & talking to him. I did everything I knew how, short of verbalizing it, to avoid the good night kiss. When he didn't take those hints, I turned my head so all he got was my cheek. I saw the disappointment in his eyes. It really is cruel to be kind. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sunberry Posted February 16, 2015 Author Share Posted February 16, 2015 OP, I'm a bit confused. In your opening post you mention a friend 'confessed' and you 'declined'. Was this before the Valentine's Day gifts? If yes, perhaps your message of not being interested in him romantically wasn't clear and unequivocal enough. In general, if your style is to catalog men as friends or romantic prospects immediately, go with that style. You say this person is a friend, so you apparently cataloged him as such long ago. If words fail, the clearest message will be socializing with other men, dating them and having a boyfriend. If you truly value his friendship, and feel he's the great guy you make him out to be, then I'm sure your female friends who are single and may not have met him yet will surely enjoy making his acquaintance. Perhaps one might take a fancy to him. I'm sure that would make you quite happy. Hopefully, him too. I declined his offer about a couple weeks before Valentine's Day. He was upset, as he should be and apologized for being so all while giving me lists of reasons as to why he liked me. He then asked if we could pretend he never said anything. Small talk was made afterwards, and I tried speaking to him as normally as I could without making it worse. You are correct, I never categorized him as a romantic interest. We've just been study buddies for months and bonded a bit from that.But I've never thought of it growing into something more. I'm not really interested in anyone around me, and boy do I wish that were easy . Most of my girlfriends, in the area, are in LTRs. =/ So, that's going to be difficult but I see your point and yes it would make me happy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sunberry Posted February 16, 2015 Author Share Posted February 16, 2015 (edited) If you don't mind me asking, what is OLD? EDIT: Online Dating. I got it (-___- Edited February 16, 2015 by Sunberry Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted February 16, 2015 Share Posted February 16, 2015 Thanks for clarifying and OLD is 'on line dating' aka internet dating sites. If you're consistent, he'll come around eventually. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted February 16, 2015 Share Posted February 16, 2015 ^ All that is true, but see, if you don't want to bang them, that takes all the fun out of it. I think men find it easier than a lot of women do because their libidos are kind of free agents while most women have libido and emotions all in one ball of wax, and if one or the other isn't there, they both go away. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sunberry Posted February 16, 2015 Author Share Posted February 16, 2015 Yes, you can. However, I don't think the question, nor the answer, is quite that simple. I believe there are varying degrees of attraction. I might meet one girl that is just mind-numbingly gorgeous. So attractive that I can't even think clearly when I am around her. There are also women I find reasonably attractive, insofar that I would have sex with her, but she just doesn't inspire that immediate, crazy erection that some other girl might. Then I might meet a girl that I don't particularly find attractive, but I'd still have sex with her. And, you also have a few women I would never touch with a 10 foot pole. Of course, there are also varying degrees of attraction other than those mentioned, but that's the gist of it. Out of all of those, the only woman I would not date is the last one, the one I just can't have sex with without worrying I might become nauseous. I think many people these days place far too much value on the attractiveness of their partner, and end up sacrificing other things in order to get someone more attractive. I've known men who would date a miserable, POS, drug addict, mentally unstable woman because she is hot. I have also known women who will "date" some really good looking guy who treats them like crap, just because she hopes that hot guy will actually like her. As for me, as long as She is attractive enough that sex is possible, I would date her. I find other things to be far more important. I'll bite. Usually physical attraction is a first for me and from there the personality makes it or brakes it in terms of finding a mate. With the guy that isn't the case. The thought of it with him doesn't repulse me, it's just really, really weird. He's around the same age as my younger brother (3- 4 years apart), so that's the aura that sets place when he's around me on top of me not being attracted to him in that way. I can also vouch for whats bolded. There has been instances where me and a guy were both physically attracted to each other yet personality was almost overlooked to which caused problems in the end. ...Problem is, that guy probably won't stick around. However, the girl is used to sleeping with guys like him, and then other guys just don't seem to do it for her as much anymore. Ah...sweet familiarity... Link to post Share on other sites
neowulf Posted February 16, 2015 Share Posted February 16, 2015 I never bought the whole personality can overcome lack of looks with women as evidenced by this thread it's confirmed That's why I rarely approach women it's a waste of time if she's not physically attracted to me Except for the fact that you can't read her mind and know exactly how she feels about you. Women all different tastes, much like men do. It's sad but sometimes that X factor simply has to be there. The heart wants what it wants Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted February 16, 2015 Share Posted February 16, 2015 There's no doubt it creates some issues, but it's not like it's the woman's fault more than the man's. They're just different. There's exceptions on both sides. But look at it this way: You're a man and you know women are just as free-wheeling about sex as men are and seek to just enjoy variety sex just as much as men do and without that much regard to standards, how you ever going to trust a woman if you're the kind of guy who isn't super secure? (And most people aren't THAT secure.) And again, there's exceptions to everything. In my youth, women were a lot more adventurous because it was the 60s and 70s, no serious stds, everyone on birth control pills, and men weren't as judgy about it either (at least within the youth culture). But "fidelity" was a word seldom bandied about and people just kind of floated from one person to the next. It was actually great, but not for everyone. You had to be pretty laid back. These days guys go nuts if the girl doesn't text back in 10 minutes. It's a different culture. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sunberry Posted February 17, 2015 Author Share Posted February 17, 2015 So, he just asked me out again...He wants to take me out on a date. Link to post Share on other sites
Nikki Sahagin Posted February 17, 2015 Share Posted February 17, 2015 No. I would think most people would say no. Even an asexual wants to look at a face they find pleasing. Without physical/sexual attraction it's not dating, it's friendship. Link to post Share on other sites
somedude81 Posted February 17, 2015 Share Posted February 17, 2015 So what's wrong with this guy? If he ugly, or really overweight? Something like that where you can never be physically attracted to him? Link to post Share on other sites
Nikki Sahagin Posted February 17, 2015 Share Posted February 17, 2015 So what's wrong with this guy? If he ugly, or really overweight? Something like that where you can never be physically attracted to him? There's probably nothing 'wrong' with him. Lack of attraction doesn't mean a person is wrong or ugly, just unattractive to the person in question. As they say beauty is in the eye of the beholder. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
somedude81 Posted February 17, 2015 Share Posted February 17, 2015 There's probably nothing 'wrong' with him. Lack of attraction doesn't mean a person is wrong or ugly, just unattractive to the person in question. As they say beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I disagree. If I knew a girl that was seemed as a great of a catch as Sunberry says this guy is "He is an amazing guy. He respectful to woman, sweet, everything. Emotionally he's everything" and there was nothing 'wrong' with her physically; I would absolutely want to date her. She would have to have some sort of serious physical flaw for me to have no interest in her. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Nikki Sahagin Posted February 17, 2015 Share Posted February 17, 2015 I disagree. If I knew a girl that was seemed as a great of a catch as Sunberry says this guy is "He is an amazing guy. He respectful to woman, sweet, everything. Emotionally he's everything" and there was nothing 'wrong' with her physically; I would absolutely want to date her. She would have to have some sort of serious physical flaw for me to have no interest in her. I think this is often a fundamental difference between men and women though. Most women are aesthetically attractive to most men. Women usually are not that attracted to many men physically unless there is a strong sense of chemistry/connection unless we are talking about VERY attractive men such as Channing Tatum etc. I've met many men who were attractive, nice etc but there was no x factor which led to chemistry and attraction on my part. I hate to speak for women in general but I would say this is true in my experience. Of course, always exceptions. I think it is hardwired into women to have higher standards when selecting a mate to carry the child for whereas men are typically more easily impressed by women physically (again hardwired). 1 Link to post Share on other sites
somedude81 Posted February 17, 2015 Share Posted February 17, 2015 I think this is often a fundamental difference between men and women though. Most women are aesthetically attractive to most men. Women usually are not that attracted to many men physically unless there is a strong sense of chemistry/connection unless we are talking about VERY attractive men such as Channing Tatum etc. I've met many men who were attractive, nice etc but there was no x factor which led to chemistry and attraction on my part. I hate to speak for women in general but I would say this is true in my experience. Of course, always exceptions. I think it is hardwired into women to have higher standards when selecting a mate to carry the child for whereas men are typically more easily impressed by women physically (again hardwired). I really appreciate that honesty and understanding about women. Yeah, women basically are more picky about looks than men are. Very few women are willing to admit this. As a man it's hard to understand that a woman could have no interest in a guy who has lots of great qualities and is decent looking as well. It's the whole "chemistry" thing that just doesn't make any sense to me. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Nikki Sahagin Posted February 17, 2015 Share Posted February 17, 2015 I really appreciate that honesty and understanding about women. Yeah, women basically are more picky about looks than men are. Very few women are willing to admit this. As a man it's hard to understand that a woman could have no interest in a guy who has lots of great qualities and is decent looking as well. It's the whole "chemistry" thing that just doesn't make any sense to me. Hi somedude Yes I think that generally women are pickier. Although I am not sexually attracted to women I think women are typically more attractive generally than men at a purely aesthetic level. I think a small percentage of men are supernaturally attractive i.e. the Rock, Channing Tatum, David Boreanaz but generally I find most men just okay looking. I think it's easier to find 20 beautiful women in any given location than 20 beautiful men (generally should I say). However I also think it's easier for women to fake beauty. Extensions, fake tan, make-up, push up bras, heel - the majority of it is artifice but it works. I do believe that generally women are hard wired to be pickier about mates because the women has to take a larger investment/sense of responsibility as she gives birth. There are of course women who will have the baby of an drop kick out there so as I said always exceptions. The feeling of chemistry/connection is hard to explain. Have you ever felt it yourself? I feel that men base their relationships with women on sexual attraction and 'is she a good person?' Women need attraction but also that spark. Many/most men would like the spark too but perhaps it doesn't matter quite as much if the woman is very attractive and lovely. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Rejected Rosebud Posted February 17, 2015 Share Posted February 17, 2015 I really appreciate that honesty and understanding about women. Yeah, women basically are more picky about looks than men are. Very few women are willing to admit this. As a man it's hard to understand that a woman could have no interest in a guy who has lots of great qualities and is decent looking as well. It's the whole "chemistry" thing that just doesn't make any sense to me. I just KNOW that you have experienced not being interested in a girl because you weren't physically attracted, I'm sure I read that around here sometime!! Fess up! Attraction doesn't have to make sense anyway, you are or you aren't, that's simple!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sunberry Posted February 17, 2015 Author Share Posted February 17, 2015 So what's wrong with this guy? If he ugly, or really overweight? Something like that where you can never be physically attracted to him? He's not ugly, nor is he overweight. I don't feel any spark with him whatsoever. When I like a guy and I look at him I feel warm and hot all over while not only thinking about how available there are emotionally but physically as well. When I look at him, while he is emotionally available, the spark is lacking. I can't see myself doing intimate things with him. I'm trying my best to see if it would work out at all, and I do believe it would just end up with resentment on my behalf. Link to post Share on other sites
somedude81 Posted February 17, 2015 Share Posted February 17, 2015 He's not ugly, nor is he overweight. I don't feel any spark with him whatsoever. When I like a guy and I look at him I feel warm and hot all over while not only thinking about how available there are emotionally but physically as well. When I look at him, while he is emotionally available, the spark is lacking. I can't see myself doing intimate things with him. I'm trying my best to see if it would work out at all, and I do believe it would just end up with resentment on my behalf. So you just aren't attracted to him because you don't feel a spark, even though there is nothing wrong with how he actually looks. That's pretty much the same thing Nikki Sahagin was talking about in her posts. Women don't make no sense *sigh* Link to post Share on other sites
NJ123 Posted February 17, 2015 Share Posted February 17, 2015 So you just aren't attracted to him because you don't feel a spark, even though there is nothing wrong with how he actually looks. That's pretty much the same thing Nikki Sahagin was talking about in her posts. Women don't make no sense *sigh* Well, this is LS so what do you expect. I'd like to think the stuff you read on forums like this are almost hardly true, or at least way overblown. Since a lot of people state their opinions like it's an in general response, when not all men & women are the same. Link to post Share on other sites
guest569 Posted February 17, 2015 Share Posted February 17, 2015 So you just aren't attracted to him because you don't feel a spark, even though there is nothing wrong with how he actually looks. That's pretty much the same thing Nikki Sahagin was talking about in her posts. Women don't make no sense *sigh* Why is it so hard to understand? Just because a man has "nothing wrong" with his looks, does not make him attractive to all women in the world. It doesn't make women "picky" about looks. It's not always about looks. Link to post Share on other sites
somedude81 Posted February 17, 2015 Share Posted February 17, 2015 Why is it so hard to understand? Just because a man has "nothing wrong" with his looks, does not make him attractive to all women in the world. It doesn't make women "picky" about looks. It's not always about looks. Look over my previous post. I disagree. If I knew a girl that was seemed as a great of a catch as Sunberry says this guy is "He is an amazing guy. He respectful to woman, sweet, everything. Emotionally he's everything" and there was nothing 'wrong' with her physically; I would absolutely want to date her. She would have to have some sort of serious physical flaw for me to have no interest in her. This guy sounds like a great catch, and there is nothing wrong with his looks. It makes no logical sense why Sunberry isn't interested in him. Link to post Share on other sites
Haydn Posted February 17, 2015 Share Posted February 17, 2015 No, i cannot have a RS with a girl who does not give me a reason to mess up my sentences and spill drinks on myself and makes my stomach contract in interesting ways. That attraction that makes you light headed and a tad foolish. She can be the most attractive girl in West London but if all i want to do is shake hands with her and say goodnight, then it`s just not going to be a `knee trembler` 3 Link to post Share on other sites
guest569 Posted February 17, 2015 Share Posted February 17, 2015 Look over my previous post. This guy sounds like a great catch, and there is nothing wrong with his looks. It makes no logical sense why Sunberry isn't interested in him. Yeah I saw your other post. I've known a few nice looking and decent men that i simply dont desire. I dont find them hot, dont want to date, dont want to kiss or screw them. There's nothing wrong or strange or confusing about that, and there's no issue with women being picky. Attraction cannot be forced. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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